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Old 03-20-2007, 11:10 AM   #1
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Wife caused separation - My feelings of low self worth.

About 5 months ago, my wife decided that she no longer wanted to be married (after almost 3 years of marriage), . . .that she didn't like societies ideology that a woman can't have a close friend in another guy where she doesn't want the husband involved.

She started becoming friends with another guy, though she said they were just friends. She came home late one night, about 1:30 am, and I let her know that I was uncomfortable with it. About a month later, she said that she was going to see a movie with some of her girl friends, but came home after 1:00 am and said that she was with that same guy. This caused a serious discussion, which is when she stated that she wanted to be alone, not married, and we became separated. That was 5 months ago. About a month ago, she openly told me that she wished we had never married. She stated how she isn't attracted to me. . . . . .(As as side note, during that conversation, though, she said that she hadn't filed for divorce just in case she "changed her mind").

Anyway, I don't believe that this relationship will be fixed. I've tried everything I could to get us back together, but it truly does take BOTH people workking to that end.

Here's the reason for this post. Before I met her, I had gone 34 years of my life without anyone taking a serious interest in me. When I met my wife, we got along VERY well. After we married, we did things all the time. I held her hand, . . .opened car and building doors for her (she saw it as a way of me showing her love), we went on dates, road bikes on city trails, took trips to various places, . . . . .But now that she has openly told me that she wished we had never married and that she isn't attracted to me, I have feelings of low self worth.

The fact is, I am not a typical guy, . . . or rather what society shows as "an attractive guy". Here is "the list" of what an attractive guy is supposed to be like. He should be tall, be muscular, not be white (light completed), is to have a full head of hair, is to have no body hair (or at least very little), is to have no moles or blemishes, is to have an attractive facial appearance, usually has a dynamic personality, is to have a great job with lots of money, may even need to be agressive at times. These traits I've listed, . . . . I have none of them. I am the opposite of what the ideal man is.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life in singleness, but I feel as though this may be inevitable. I am in the Christian faith, so that means that, besides my physical appearance, I will soon have the "stigma" of being divorced.

I have cried many tears over these past 5 months. I have sat in utter helplessness in trying to figure out what has happened between my wife and I. Now, I feel like I have given up, so to speak. Any thoughts of "maybe someone else will come along" is quickly vanquished when I realize my lack of "the list".

To leave this post on somewhat of a positive note, however, . . . I can say about my marriage and my wife. . . . I was loyal. I cared about her, what she did, what she wanted to do. I enjoyed making her happy. I enjoyed our times together, and looked forward to our future. I saw her as my best friend, and I would do just about anything for her. It wasn't enough, I suppose.

 
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Old 03-20-2007, 11:46 AM   #2
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Re: Wife caused separation - My feelings of low self worth.

He should be tall, be muscular, not be white (light completed), is to have a full head of hair, is to have no body hair (or at least very little), is to have no moles or blemishes, is to have an attractive facial appearance, usually has a dynamic personality, is to have a great job with lots of money, may even need to be agressive at times.

Where on earth did you get that list? I've never met a guy like that in my life.

Wow, if you are measuring yourself by that standard, no wonder you don't think you measure up. No one would. My husband is the perfect guy for me, and he is lacking many of these features (he is very very fair skinned). Harrison Ford has a scar on his chin. Michael Jordan is bald. Steve Buschemi is not physically attractive at all, but I would rather spend time with him than with a lot of "beautiful" people that I know. As for the great job with lots of money, My hubby is in the Army. You can sure bet he doesn't make a lot of money (and whether it's a fabluous job or not I can't tell you... he's been deployed for 14 months).

What I am trying to tell you is that the man you are describing simply does not exist. You need to drop this ideal.

As for your wife, it sounds like a lot of the problems in your life together were due to her and a lack of honesty (both with you and with herself).

Why don't you start telling us about the positive features that you do have, rather than the ones you don't. let's start from there.

 
Old 03-20-2007, 12:07 PM   #3
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Re: Wife caused separation - My feelings of low self worth.

I'm very sorry for your situation.

You're right, it does take two people to really make something work. You did all you could, and that's all anyone can ever ask of you.

Everyone has their own ideas of what's attractive. So you don't fit the stereo-typical mold of attractive male. You seem to possess all the qualities that matter. A decent woman will find that more important than physical traits.

Sounds like your (ex)wife came into a "selfish" stage. She is right that women can have male friends.. but she still has to respect her husband.

Christian people are suppose to be understanding and forgiving right? Once again, a decent person won't shun you for your unfortunate circumstances. I believe that instead of a divorce, you could try for an annulment.

Naturally after going through something like this, you're going to go through a period of self-loathing. That may be a strong word but I think you understand what I'm saying. But you should know that her problem with marriage, is HER problem.. not your's. Seem to me that you didn't do anything but be a loyal, loving husband.

You say you feel like you gave up in a sense on your marriage.. but it sounds more like you're about ready to give up on yourself. That's even worse. The only healthy thing a person can do in a bad situation is learn from it. In this case, learn to be more confident, and to be proud of the things you can offer someone.

I am a firm believer in needing to love yourself before you can love someone else, or before someone can love you. So take this time to learn from this situation, to grow from it and to move on.

One bad situation isn't the end of our lives.. and sometimes, they turn out to be blessings in disguise.

wishing you the best....

Last edited by jen52983; 03-20-2007 at 12:09 PM.

 
Old 03-20-2007, 01:38 PM   #4
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Re: Wife caused separation - My feelings of low self worth.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EDC_Light View Post
He should be tall, be muscular, not be white (light completed), is to have a full head of hair, is to have no body hair (or at least very little), is to have no moles or blemishes, is to have an attractive facial appearance, usually has a dynamic personality, is to have a great job with lots of money, may even need to be agressive at times.
Okay first off I think my bf is the greatest thing ever-

He's bald, has body hair, has tons of moles (i love moles), doesn't have a great job with lots of money- and that's okay with me.. not to sound conceded, but I am a very pretty girl...looks don't always matter- I wish more people would remember that..

The goodness in your heart is what counts- because thats what shines through THE MOST!

Second off I'm so sorry about your situation, I know how low one can feel. But know that things WILL get better.. our lives change so much in a blink of an eye that who knows where you'll be next week or even next year, you will meet someone that IS meant for you...your current wife isn't...and thats okay. Now it's time to start doing good things for yourself...you start here!

 
Old 03-20-2007, 02:26 PM   #5
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Re: Wife caused separation - My feelings of low self worth.

Nicole, your bf sounds like me. I know that there are many women out there who actually care more about the person than how they look, and I admire anyone who does. And you all are right. I have been seriously damaged by this, and it may be manifesting itself in these feelings of "I must not be a good enough man".

If I could list my good list my good characteristics, . . . I am caring, loyal, am musical (bass, guitar, piano), have a decent job (no debt), have nice looking eyes, . . . . and still have 10 fingers and 10 toes.

I do hope, firstly, that my wife comes to reason. That's my ultimate wish/hope. Secondly, I do hope that someone comes along that will treat me the way anyone in a relationship should be treated.

Nicole, . . . do you have a sister?

Thanks girls.

 
Old 03-20-2007, 04:40 PM   #6
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Re: Wife caused separation - My feelings of low self worth.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EDC_Light View Post
If I could list my good list my good characteristics, . . . I am caring, loyal, am musical (bass, guitar, piano), have a decent job (no debt), have nice looking eyes, . . . . and still have 10 fingers and 10 toes.
It's nice to see that you do see something positive in yourself!

I'm sorry you are hurting right now. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. What your wife did was wrong. Even if she does come around, can you even look at her the same way anymore? Don't you think you deserve a woman who will treat you exactly the way you treat them?

I am a firm believer that there is someone out there for everyone. You just are not ready to meet her yet. You need to learn how to love yourself for who you are before anyone is going to love you back. I think you should continue on with that list. Read it to yourself every morning when you wake up. Everyone is different and that is what makes us unique. Focus on what makes you special and unique and you will find the right woman.

 
Old 03-20-2007, 05:00 PM   #7
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Re: Wife caused separation - My feelings of low self worth.

i am reading a book right now and the author writes that each relationship is right at that moment b/c it is a reflection of how we view ourselves (therefore we must love ourselves to expect it in rtn).

he said that if we enter a relationship to fulfill needs (ie/ of low self worth) as the primary function, the relationship will fail.


i think most women have dated (and had feelings for)at least one man that does not resemble your 'list'.

your wife must have been attracted to you physically at some point. and you seem to be concerned about your physical appearance...you have confidence in your personality right? did she say she is no longer attracted to you in any way or just physically (probably not the latter as she was still undecided regarding whether to leave or not)?
honestly, if you have low self-worth, she may be picking up on that and is not attracted to THAT aspect of you, she doesn't feel the spark anymore...

anyway, like a pp said, there is someone for everyone and you must love yourself first.

 
Old 03-20-2007, 05:29 PM   #8
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Re: Wife caused separation - My feelings of low self worth.

The big mystery here for me is that you are surprised that your wife is not attracted to you, when it is clear that you think of yourself as totally unattractive. She has come to agree with you, that is all. Isn't that the idea, or did you want her to continually fight you on this and keep trying to light up the spark. I was sort of bored just reading your letter, I thought "has this man got any surprises in him?" Sorry if I am harsh, just what I feel about this posting.

 
Old 03-20-2007, 05:33 PM   #9
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Re: Wife caused separation - My feelings of low self worth.

If I could list my good list my good characteristics, . . . I am caring, loyal, am musical (bass, guitar, piano), have a decent job (no debt), have nice looking eyes, . . . . and still have 10 fingers and 10 toes.

Regardless of the above, which make you sound pretty dreamy to me, the fact that you are in touch with your feelings and are willing to ask for support makes you a pretty darn desirable guy. Believe me.

As for your wife, if this really can be fixed and that turns out to be what is best for you, then I hope that you get your wish. If it turns out to be best for you that you move on, then I know that you will find someone that will truly aprreciate you. I know it just like I know that Tuesday follows Monday. You are a true prize, and the girl you finally end up with will be one lucky woman.

 
Old 03-21-2007, 06:06 AM   #10
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Re: Wife caused separation - My feelings of low self worth.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EDC_Light View Post
Here is "the list" of what an attractive guy is supposed to be like. He should be tall, be muscular, not be white (light completed), is to have a full head of hair, is to have no body hair (or at least very little), is to have no moles or blemishes, is to have an attractive facial appearance, usually has a dynamic personality, is to have a great job with lots of money, may even need to be agressive at times. These traits I've listed, . . . . I have none of them. I am the opposite of what the ideal man is.
I know other posters have responded to this particular paragraph, but I just couldnt help myself! Here goes;

my bf is white, not particularly tall or muscular, at almost 39 his hair is starting to go, has a hairy chest, legs and a$$, is covered in the sexiest little moles (beauty spots, I call them), he hasnt a great job or loads of money, and isnt in the least bit agressive - AND I'M BEATING THE WOMEN OFF HIM WITH A STICK! Get real! You have a view of the "ideal man" which is not only unrealistic, but also unattractive! I wouldnt be the least bit interested in the sort of 'robot man' you describe!!

Fair enough, my bf's got beautiful facial features, but beauty, as they say, is in the eye of the beholder (though there's few too many females beholding his beauty for my liking, lol) Seriously though, I'm very sorry to hear you're feeling so low, but the quickest route out of this low spot is to stop measuring yourself against this impossible ideal that you have. A caring, loyal musician with nice eyes is a dream for a lot of women, believe me!!

Also, from what you've siad, I dont think that your wife was ready for marraige, and I think it very cruel of her to marry someone she didnt feel committed too enough to make it work. You can do better than someone who's willing to treat you like that. It's hard to look on the bright side when you're feeling this down, I know, but at least now that the person who wasnt committed enough is gone it clears the way for the woman who will be.

It sounds like you need to do some work on yourself regarding self-esteem, anybody would, who'd just been walked out on and also happened to have a low self-image. I'll let you in on a secret regarding women perception of sexiness; it's all about a mans attitude. A man can tick every box a woman can dream up in the physicality department, but if he dosent have the right attitude he's not sexy; he's just a bit of eye candy to get you in the mood before you head towards the man with the arousing attitude!

 
Old 03-21-2007, 06:36 AM   #11
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Re: Wife caused separation - My feelings of low self worth.

I appreciate all the replies that have been given. I would give you all hugs if I could (I get on another forum sight that has one of the little "Smilies" giving a hug to another. It's really cute).

Just some more information. I haven't been in contact with my wife for most of these past 5 months, so she hasn't had "inside information" as to how I'm doing emotionally, or my feelings. And I may not have had the best self image when married, but I wasn't constantly putting myself down either. However, that is all different now. Some days I am more emotional than others, and when I wrote what I did yesterday, it was just one of those days. But I have to admit that what I posted is something that I deal with, irrational as it may seem.

I suppose the key is not letting other people dictate your self worth (whether they directly contribute or it is all self fullfilled). That has been the direction of my thinking for the past few weeks. Yesterday I was just letting my mind run in overdrive about the "cares of life" as they appeared to me. My last email from my wife was one of her taking yet another step away from our marriage and it has caused something inside me to . . . change.

happymom28, . . . to answer your question, if my wife DID decide to come back to the marriage, I'm not sure how things would go. We definitely would need some intensive marital counseling, but I would be up for it if it saves our relationship. However, thing things that really matter are rarely easy.

Thanks again to you all. Feel free to continue posting comments or questions.

 
Old 03-21-2007, 06:46 AM   #12
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Re: Wife caused separation - My feelings of low self worth.

now i gotta add my little bit here also,

my husband (who i am crazy in love with and very attracted to) is:
5ft7 , even tho he's only 27 he's pretty much grey and starting to receide (sp) already, i think its migrating to everywhere else as he is very hairy all over has a whiter than white complexion, suffers from severe psoriasis all over his legs, has an ok job with enough money to get us by and is no where near aggressive.
and from reading the reply's to your thread that sounds pretty much the norm, not what you describe.

personally i think she is waaaay outta line saying she's gonna stay married to you just incase she changes her mind, especially when she says she wishes she was never married at all? it just sounds to me like she wants the best of both worlds, she's gonna go out with other guys and enjoy herself, but if she gets bored with that she will have you as backup because she knows how bad you feel about yourself and that you would probably take her back because your afraid of being alone.

i used to be reallllly self conscious and have no self esteem but when i got over myself and started believing in myself thats when i found i had lots of male interest and im far from ''society's perfect woman''

nothing i can say will give you a magic fix, but i hope one day you realise what your worth and find a woman that will treat you right
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Old 03-21-2007, 06:54 AM   #13
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Re: Wife caused separation - My feelings of low self worth.

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personally i think she is waaaay outta line saying she's gonna stay married to you just incase she changes her mind, especially when she says she wishes she was never married at all? it just sounds to me like she wants the best of both worlds, she's gonna go out with other guys and enjoy herself, but if she gets bored with that she will have you as backup..
Yes, I agree with this compleately. It's cruel, selfish and VERY unfair of her.

OP; I think you should give this woman the shock of her life - ask her for a divorce.

 
Old 03-21-2007, 07:16 AM   #14
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Re: Wife caused separation - My feelings of low self worth.

According to my Christian faith, I am not supposed to give her a certificate of divorce, but if she asks for one, then I am freed from the committment due to her abandonment of the relationship. Believe me, it is not an easy road to walk.


And guess what I JUST found out. She changed her account down at the courthouse to file just herself for 2007. Yet another step in the wrong direction.

After listening to you all, I DO know that I deserve much better. I gave my all for her in our marriage. I did whatever I could to make her happy, and I DEFINITELY never did anything that even comes close to deserving her actions. I believe that some of my most hated characteristics in people would be selfishness, pride, and stubborness!

 
Old 03-21-2007, 07:22 AM   #15
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Re: Wife caused separation - My feelings of low self worth.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EDC_Light View Post
And guess what I JUST found out. She changed her account down at the courthouse to file just herself for 2007. Yet another step in the wrong direction.
I dont understand what this means EDC Light? I'm assuming you're from America, most people on here are, but I'm Irish. Does this have something to do with the tax system? Are you saying she's filing her tax returns seperate from yours? If so, then she's moving away from the marraige legally now as well as emotionally.

The big question here, as I see it, is; are you going to allow her to dictate the terms of your future based on your faith? I wouldnt even presume to advise you on that, religious faith is a very personal thing, but I do think it's something you need to be asking yourself.

 
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