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Old 03-23-2007, 12:22 PM   #1
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anicky HB User
my wife left me for another woman.

hi. so my wife of 16 years, left me on the 2 of january. she went to live with her mother, or so she told me. for a while things had been icky between us, she refused all tentatives to talk about it and mainly blamed me, i.e "i dont have a problem it's you projecting on to me" the reasons she gave for leaving were that we were growing apart.... i asked is there anyone else and was assured that there was not (on several occasions) recently i found out that she has a lover, another woman... at first she told me it was just several times in december.... but she let slip that a family friend new about this and when i went to see the friend, to say hey it's ok there is no secret anymore, the friend was very relived and we spoke for hours. i then found out that this friend new about the affair since september..... my soon to be ex confirmed this. i also found out that my ex had involved/confided in her mother and sister and several other family friends. i was devastated. she used friends and her family to cover for her, to lie to me...
i have recently found out (from my ex) that this affair started in may!!
i am gutted. we made so many plans together and she was already seeing this other woman. and for 7 months she lied to me and used friends and her mum to be her alibi.
my whole life seems to have become a sort of nightmare that i can't wake up from and that seems to get worse and worse. i don't know how to deal with all the deception. friends, family, my wife with whom i was deeply in love (still am in away?!?) and who i trusted with my life, my soul, my everything.
we have 2 chidren 14 and 12 yrs old who are with me. i am financialy, dependent on my wife as i started university this year (one of our plans) our house is in the process of being renovated (another of our plans).
i am overwhelmed by how life can just switch from ok to being a living hell.
trusting anyone ever again seems an imposible idea. and just going on when so many things i beleved to be true are lies. people i trusted and well i don't know what else to say.....thanks n

 
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Old 03-23-2007, 01:03 PM   #2
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Ireland
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Laylah HB User
Re: my wife left me for another woman.

God love you, I really dont know what to say. 'Your wife sounds a fool' and 'you're better off without her' are true I think, but are not comments that are going to relieve your current suffering in any way.

There is nothing you can do here, other than move on. Yes, it is hell, and it'll continue to be hell, but the stregnth of this hell will lessen each day, until it is bearable, and then less still, and less and less, until it is just a sad memory and you're more inclined to look beyond it further back into the past and remember when things were still good between you.

By the time that time comes, you'll have probably met somebody else yourself, or if not, that mindset will certainly prepare you mentally and emotionally for being ready to begin a new relationship.

I'm sorry to hear about your hurt, I wish you all the best.

 
Old 03-23-2007, 01:05 PM   #3
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: pennsylvania
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jen52983 HB User
Re: my wife left me for another woman.

Not that it justifies lying, but maybe in this particular situation, your mutual friends and family didn't want to "out" your (ex)wife. She handled the situation wrongly, but maybe she needed to be the one to tell you, when she was ready.

I was just discussing the topic of trust with a friend earlier. I told him how I don't believe its something you can learn to do.. you either do or you don't. Over time I've learned that my current boyfriend isn't any of my ex's, and he shouldn't be held accountable for things he's never done. If he hasn't given me a reason to mistrust him, then there shouldn't be an issues. Of course things are always easier said than done though.

Unfortunately when a friend or family member lies, they do make it hard for them to ever confide in them again. They should understand that.. lying has consequences.

Trust is something that can be easily given, but even more easily taken away. Once trust is broken is takes time to gain it again. Anyone who lied to you about this situation can't blame you from now on being weary of things they say or things you tell them.

I hope that once your anger and hurt has settled down, that you will understand that your wife couldn't keep on lying to herself about who she was. If she ever cared about you, then I'm sure she feels some remorse for what she's done.

 
Old 03-23-2007, 01:42 PM   #4
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anicky HB User
Re: my wife left me for another woman.

yeah of course i cant expect that others to have come out for her. and i do understand the difficulties that she faced but it was all so badly handled. i beleved that we had the kind of trust that could handle anything.
i appreciate that people got stuck in the middle and had no way out, but as you said trusting them again well it just wouldn't work.

i think that part of her reasons for lying were to protect me the others well the normal hiding infidelity and what ever...
yeah she was a fool... but thats fear for you
when i do the mental arithmatic i can see that i will be better of without what had become or was becoming a toxic relationship.
BUT I WAS ADDICTED TO HER really i loved her so deeply and her leaving left me in a very empty place. i just thought it was another down . you know the old ups and downs....
i have forgivness in my heart but it doesn't always win over the other more negative feelings which are there.
i seem to have lost so much. and i have so many resentments and regrets that it clouds my vision of the past present and future.
i mean how do you move on? how do you stop loving?
any way thanks for your posts it really does help.

 
Old 03-23-2007, 01:53 PM   #5
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Join Date: Mar 2007
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anicky HB User
Re: my wife left me for another woman.

oh and it kinda freaks me out that she left me for another woman. it does weird things to my self estime and i really don't know what i think. theoretically... i dont mind ...but on a more personal level on the IT HAPPENED TO ME level. i wobble around between hate and forgiveness.

 
Old 03-23-2007, 02:12 PM   #6
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Join Date: Nov 2006
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Posts: 1,650
Laylah HB User
Re: my wife left me for another woman.

And you'll keep wobbling for a good long while to come Anicky, that's natural. What she did, all the lies, the experience of 'everyone else knowing except you', it's as old as the hills, and more painful than anyone who hasnt experienced it could possibly understand.

There isnt much I can think of to say to you right now, and I'm genuinely sorry about that. My heads a bit fuzzed and I've had a long hard day. But I know the sort of pain you're tallking about, so, for what it's worth, someone on the far side of europe does feel some compassion for the boat you're in right now. {{hug}}

 
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