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Old 03-27-2007, 09:45 AM   #1
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So i messed up big time. I feel horrible, but i cant stop thinking.

This is really hard for me to actually say because it bothers me how terrible of a friend i am. I still cant believe myself and i lost all my sense of self worth and i cant trust anything i really tell myself anymore. Just because of this.

I am 18, turning 19 very soon, i have posted here times before with my really bad relationship problems and such. My best friend was in a car accident back in mid-November, he wasnt supposed to live through the helicopter flight to the hospital, he wasnt supposed to live more than a few days, he wasnt ever supposed to wake up, and he was supposed to wake up mentally retarded. He overcame all of that after a two months coma and is now at home, mentally he seems almost okay, and physically he still cant walk but it is expected for him to eventually heal (could take up to two years). A week after his accident i actually spoke to his girlfriend for the first time, and i always heard how well he spoke about her, so i knew if anything he wanted her to be happy, so i would always offer to take her out to the hospital (its a long trip), help her find other rides, and all of this. She did help me alot myself through the accident, she got all of the real updates about him straight from his parents and passed them on to me, so i always got the real news, and she managed to help me get a ride out there when i couldnt drive to the hospital.

This is my best friend of about 10-11 years, since third grade. He came home a little over a month ago, but he cant leave the house, and other side drama has turned his parents against his girlfriend. Along with the word of his therapists, he cant see her anymore, cant talk to her on the phone anymore, and cant talk to her over instant messaging or emailing. This has gone on for awhile, shes claiming she still cares for him but is moving on. The past few weeks i had a gut feeling that she had something going on for me, but i just disregarded it. This past thursday she admitted to me that she has been falling for me, and i didnt know what to say. Friday we went to see a movie, got a little physical, and later hung out at her place which resulted in us making out and being a little physical. Honestly, i tried to stop it on numerous occasions, i tried to prevent it from ever happening and then i tried to stop it from going further. The thing is, the past couple weeks i have been getting feelings for her too, its just that i can keep my feelings at bay, its just the fact that we share the feelings is what makes it much much worse. The first two days after i beat myself up over it, i kept saying i was worthless, i have no self control, i dont deserve friendship, and well honestly, i still feel the same i just dont beat myself up over it, i accepted that i made a really stupid mistake.

The biggest problem is that ... well, i know its wrong, but i still have the same feeling toward her. I will eventually admit to my friend what happened, but this could be well over a year, and im not using this as an excuse but his therapists said his body and brain cannot handle stress right now, because it can either slow his healing process down or even stop it. I did discuss this with my cousin who i trust, and he helped me realize that the "Feelings" i have for her are nothing but lust, but that doesnt make it any easier to control, i just know i can identify it. My friendship with my friend is worth much more than just hooking up with this girl, but i cannot control it. Especially since i did it once, now i honestly cant trust myself if i say "I'll never do that again", i already lied to myself on many different occasions with that one incident.

Saturday she decided that something needs to be done. She asked if i could write her a note with my idea on how to handle things, and then she'll do the same with her ideas. I wrote to her that although i do have feelings for her, and it was great i cant lie any more to my friend. The note she sent me back (its already typed up in an email to my cousin, if you want ill probably post it later), and her ideas are not really helping me much.

I just have no idea what to do. I know whats the right thing to do, it happened once, big mistake, learn from it and dont do it again, eventually come clean to my friend once im able to do so. Thats the right thing to do, but i know in my mind im thinking about when we can do it again and take it farther. I dont trust myself anymore so im kind of doubting myself that i learned my lesson, i have no self control and i really dont deserve anyone's friendship. I will put up the note in a little bit. But does anyone have any advice, im honestly just...flat out...lost...

 
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Old 03-27-2007, 10:07 AM   #2
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Re: So i messed up big time. I feel horrible, but i cant stop thinking.

Wouldn't the simple solution be to just stay away from the girl. And let her know that is what you want from her also. You will then risk no chance of anything happening.
Think about her in your mind all you want, just don't meet up in person.

 
Old 03-27-2007, 10:18 AM   #3
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Re: So i messed up big time. I feel horrible, but i cant stop thinking.

well, this shouldn't come as any surprise to you or any of us who have read your past posts. You said way back when your friend first was in the hospital that you had feelings for her and that you felt guilty about it. You had the opportunity then to do something--stop spending time with her, basically--but you didn't, so of course this is where it has lead. It's fairly common that when something traumatic happens, the relationship with those who are their to comfort becomes sort of sexualized. Which is likely why she came on to you.

So, what to do now, you obv can't rewind things. You can't really tell your friend now, because I'm thinking that finding out his gf and his best friend are getting it on while he fights for his life would count as stress. So, I would think that instead of having some brainstorming session with this girl, which probably won't result in anything but a replay of what you're feeling so guilty over, you two should just stay away from each other. Later on, if your friend recovers and can go back to seeing his gf again, you two will have to tell him. But I can't imagine his reaction being anything but cutting the two of you out of his life. But he is the one who has to decide that. Because it's not like you and him and his gf could ever spend time together again without it being obvious that something happened, so not telling him would be just ANOTHER way to show that no matter what it looks like on the surface, you pretty much don't give a damn.

 
Old 03-27-2007, 06:43 PM   #4
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Re: So i messed up big time. I feel horrible, but i cant stop thinking.

Yeah......what have you gotten yourself into? This is tough!

I guess...the only thing to do now is to completely be honest with your best friend. Technically.....since she is still his girlfriend....she had cheated on him.

And you had betrayed your best friend.

Obvisously......the both of you have to come clean together. And be ready to accept the consequencese.

 
Old 03-27-2007, 07:20 PM   #5
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Re: So i messed up big time. I feel horrible, but i cant stop thinking.

Please don't be so hard on yourself! Your feelings are, I think not lust or romance but a deep connection of two people who have been going together through a hugely stressful and life-altering experience. You have all this pain and stress in common, like people who have been in the trenches together. I have said this to other people before, YOU FEEL WHAT YOU FEEL, it is how you act that is important. Now for the advice. DO NOT pursue this, this is not a normal boy-meets-girl situation. Think long and hard, step back from this, live a normal life, persuade her to do the same thing and let it go. One day in the future, when this is all behind you, who knows, the planets may line up for you and this lady, but then it will be a normal situation. There is no future in it as it is now, the guilt will kill it very quickly.

 
Old 03-28-2007, 12:04 PM   #6
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Re: So i messed up big time. I feel horrible, but i cant stop thinking.

And once again, i took it a little too far yesterday too...

 
Old 03-28-2007, 12:53 PM   #7
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Re: So i messed up big time. I feel horrible, but i cant stop thinking.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redsoxgirl2418 View Post
well, this shouldn't come as any surprise to you or any of us who have read your past posts. You said way back when your friend first was in the hospital that you had feelings for her and that you felt guilty about it. You had the opportunity then to do something--stop spending time with her, basically--but you didn't, so of course this is where it has lead.
Not wanting to be too hard on you OP, but I have to admit I fully agree with this. You had your choices, and you walked into this with your eyes wide open. If you could say you were in love with this girl I'd feel a whole lot sorrier for you, but to betray your best friend while he's, as Redsoxgirl said, literally "fighting for his life" for the sake of, as you say "lust", I'm sorry but I'm not exactly dripping with sympathy.

The only thing you can do now re damage limitation is to do what you know you should have done in the first place - stay away from his girlfriend.

 
Old 03-28-2007, 01:11 PM   #8
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Re: So i messed up big time. I feel horrible, but i cant stop thinking.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lazer 77 View Post
And once again, i took it a little too far yesterday too...
I didnt spot that post before I sent my last one. This thread is making me a bit queasy. In light of what you've said here I reckon I may as well change my advice: Go the whole hog, go to bed with the girl. It's not going to matter a damn to your friend now either way. You've both already gone far too far.

I have to be honest here, I think you may as well kiss goodbye to your friendship, because a friend like you would be somebody I'd never speak to again.

 
Old 03-28-2007, 10:33 PM   #9
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Re: So i messed up big time. I feel horrible, but i cant stop thinking.

this is your best friend. have you put yourself in his perspective..how would you feel if your girlfriend was messing around with him when you were in a coma?...come on. its respect for somebody your close to. as soon as you knew it was more than friends with this girl, you should have had the respect for your friend and walked away.

no you cant rewind things, no you cant start over, no nothing. theres so excuses. you know a lot of people stop being friends because of the opposite sex..and its terrible that best friends let that happen.

you will find somebody that you will really fall for. and you know what sounds bad, is in the beginning you state all these things your friend was suppose to do, like not survive..and it seems like thats what you wished, so you would never have to face him knowing you've messed with his girl...or that she can be yours once hes gone.

everything about it is wrong. stay away from her. she obviously doesnt respect him either. and whats to say, if that happens to you...your in the hospital fighting for your life and she does the same thing to you. its just wrong!!!!! actually...what it is, is selfishness.

seems that the majority of the replies seem kinda of rude but you could of not thought anybody would agree with what your doing.

Last edited by deskette; 03-28-2007 at 10:37 PM.

 
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