I'm posting this because right now I'm somewhat frustrated with the way my relationship with my ex has been going. It's gotten to the point where I'm fighting a bout of depression. I thought I would vent, and maybe get some insight. I just don't know what to do anymore, and I feel I'm too involved in the situation to make sense of it clearly on my own. This is really really long, please bear with me.
I started dating my ex (lets call him "j") shortly before christmas. We met at my brothers, and they are pretty close. Like family. I had just gotten my heart broken a few months prior to meeting "j", had recently fully recovered from it, and felt I was at a good place being single and doing what I wanted. He approached me sweetly, and I actually found myself liking him. I warned him that I wasn't sure if I could do anything serious because I didn't have much experience in the area, I was an extremely independent person, I was at college about 5 hrs away, I had trouble trusting men, and that I was abstainant.
He took everything in stride and was wonderful. He talked about his past relationship problems (including making the huge mistake of getting married fresh out of hs), and that he understood where I was coming from. He just wanted to be with me, he said he would help me with the relationship thing, that he didn't care if I was abstainant that it was fine with him, and that he wasn't like other guys. His dad had cheated on his mom, and he knew how he wanted a relationship.
It took him about a week or two to convince me to finally start dating him. We jumped into a serious relationship pretty fast. It was good the first month, he was very attentive and loving, and never ever pushed me to have sex. It was a little difficult because it was long distance and he hated talking on the phone (and me an avid phone person). About a month into the relationship, around mid january, I decided to break my abstainance rule and started sleeping with him. I thought things were ok, if not overly stressful cause we never talked unless I was in town, and never about serious stuff. But I thought that was just because he was a introverted person and I didnt want to push.
I have to say that I felt a really strong connection with him. And this is in part to the sex thing. Before him, I had suffered from a dysfunction where I could not become remotely intimate with a guy (read - even just thinking intensely about them) without becoming very nauseous, or physically ill. When I had lost my viriginity I was sick and vommitting for 3 days afterwards. It hadnt gotten any better afterwards. With 'j', it was one of the only times I had ever felt something and not felt sick. I felt it was a sign, and I embraced it because I thought if nothing else I could learn how to be intimate with someone for my own health. But because of this, and the way he made me feel I fell in love with him, even in my opinion, very quickly.
He broke up with me after some very long and argumentative talks about what we were doing in the middle of Febuary. This was after he would go almost a week without talking to me unless I called first, and completely ignoring valentines day. we broke up two days after vday, which I completely saw coming, but hurt me much more than I possibly thought it could, and ended up with me crying on him as we broke up, but decided to 'remain friends'.
Three weeks later, I was with him when he found out another ex of his was pregnant, and said it was his. He said it was his gf from about a month and a half ago, which at the time, had been when we were dating. I pointed this out to him, and he hemmed and hawed and said he hadnt cheated on me, but couldnt 'remember' when he had slept with his other ex. I figured he was lying, and after another week of talking with him and his friends about the situation, he didnt bother to deny it anymore.
I tried to be supportive, realizing he was going through some serious stress now with the baby on the way. I helped him with money and never even really got angry. I told myself it was logical to happen since the relationship had been long distance between us. I also have one or two friends who have cheated in the past and had learned from their mistakes, and were really wondeful people in very loving relationships with those same partners. But inside I was really hurt because I was still in love with 'j' and now I knew he had been cheating on me for certain. He fights with the babys mom alot, apparently because she is immature and stupid about the situation, he wants full custody if its his when its born, so I try and calm him down alot. But part of me is still mad that he never even apologized for cheating on me! And I've been there for him the whole time without even throwing a fit.
A mutual friend of ours leaked that I was 'in' or 'still in' love with 'j' to him. And he confronted me about it. We talked and I said I was trying to get over him as fast as I could, and he said that was good. The next day we hung out and somehow we ended up getting together and him talking about how he had really actually wanted to date me again. That ended up sticky. I told him I wouldn't mind trying again (because again, I'm just really stupid when it comes to him and being in love with him), but we would have to both work at it. Then he said he wanted to be friends first (which I understood also, because we hadnt really been before we started dating the first time), and work our way back to the relationship. We ended up sleeping together a few times after that. But now he barely touches me, and tells me that he can't have a serious relationship until the baby is born and he finds out if its his. To this, I have no idea what to say. While I want to understand his situation and timing, I can't help but wonder if he's just stringing me because he really doesnt have much feelings for me left, and he knows im in love with him. Or if I really should be patient due to the circumstances and see what happens months down the road. I don't know if I'm even patient enough for that though. And the whole things has me stressed enough to the point I have trouble concentrating on the things I have to get done, and I always feel like crying nowadays.
If anyone would like to slap me with some reality, please feel free to do so. Or tell me I'm not completely insane. Something. Anyone??