Another wedding ring question.. - Relationship Health Message Board

Laylah · 03-30-2007, 06:53 AM

I'm not exactly halfway up the aisle, but I do intend to marry my bf sometime in the next few years and I'd be interested to hear male and female perspectives on this:

He got married to the mother of his kids a long time ago (he was 20 at the time, he's nearly 39 now) and when he got married he wore his late fathers wedding band. The marriage didn’t even make it to the first anniversary - they split after nine months!

They didn’t divorce as there was no divorce in Ireland at the time, only legal separation and annulment. Annulment was very difficult to get in Ireland at that time; for anyone unfamiliar with the term, it's basically legal recognition that the marriage was never valid in the first place. Anyway, my bf applied for annulment and he got it, so legally they were never actually married. He wears his father’s wedding band to this day, on his right hand.

Anyway, here's the question: If and when we marry, I am wondering what to do about this ring of his. I think it'd be a lovely gesture to tell him I didn’t mind if he wore his fathers ring, and part of me really wouldn’t because I associate it much more with his father than with his 'marriage'. But also there's the feeling that I wouldn’t want him marrying me with a ring that had any association with another woman.

I know he wears the ring in memory of his late dad, so is it selfish of me to associate it with her even to the small degree that I do? When the time comes, should I tell him I don’t mind if he wears it? Or will it always niggle at me that I’m not the first woman he put that ring on his wedding finger for?

I'm just curious to know how women would feel in my situation about this ring and how men would feel in my bf's:

- Would women overlook that aspect of the history of the ring?

- And would men appreciate that aspect of it's history being overlooked?

prairie_dawn · 03-30-2007, 07:03 AM

I think you are a very big woman to realize that that ring had nothing to do with his 1st wife. From your post I have to assume that he is a good Catholic man that mad a mistake and asked the church to forgive him and they did. That ring is a memory of his father and might one day be passed on to a male child. What an honor. Personally I would be an honoured Catholic woman if my husband kept his dads ring. What a great man his dad must have been for raising such a fine man. I wouldnt care if he had already worn it, actually i'd be releaved because she didnt pick it out. Husband chose it not her.

and he has kept it ever since. I hope my son feels that way about my husband when he gets older. Hugs to you and prayers that your marriage lasts forever and you have many children. I thikn either way you feel you should speak to him about it. You never know, he might be stressing out himself thinking you wont want him to wear it and well that might releive him to know that you would be fine with it.

StenoLady1 · 03-30-2007, 07:10 AM

I completely agree with Mama above me.

But I do see your point, Laylah. All of this story is very, very heart-warming until I get the visual of another woman putting that ring on his finger at their wedding.

I, too, think you should talk to your BF when the time comes. There are many, many special things your BF can do with his father's ring, continue to wear it on his right hand or keep it on his body, keep it in the family and pass it along to a son or nephew when their time comes. If that visual of the previous wedding gets to you, that is.

bulletproof · 03-30-2007, 07:48 AM

This was nineteen years ago. Let it go. It's just a ring. Any associations made with it will be made by your own mind. Be happy that you've found someone to be with and leave it at that. Trying to tell him what he can do with his deceased father's ring is a bit much, no?

When all is said and done, it's a piece of metal jewelry. Decide what you want it to mean and that's what it means. His kids are walking, breathing reminders of his 'association' with another woman, a ring is not.

susieq0726 · 03-30-2007, 07:48 AM

I say let him wear the ring. It would be different if the ring was given to him by the ex, but since it was his dad's, I say OK.
I would sit down and talk to him about it. Maybe he would like to be able to continue to wear his dad's ring on his right hand, and wear a new one (for you) on his left. I know that's what my husband would like.