Relationship is going down - Relationship Health Message Board

DitoDupe · 04-01-2007, 03:40 PM

I have been dating a man for the past 2 and a half years. I love him dearly and we seem to have things going for us except that people judge us do to our age difference. Im 24 and he is 45. It never bothered me once I got to know him and the same for him. We have lots of the same likes and dislikes. Recently though the relationship has been plunging fast. I feel like i want us to move on to more and he keeps telling me that he wants it to but that he is not there right now. Hearing that always makes me so angry that I start drilling him with questions. Once he is fed up and says he doesn't want to talk anymore I start screaming like a maniac only to instantly regret it afterwards. Well just a few days ago he told me he couldn't take it anymore and that he doesn't want to see me. We just got back to talking and he is saying that he doesn't know if we should continue to date. He wants his space. He says he isn't going to go out or date other people but that he just needs to be away from me for a while. It kills me that he says this and I want to just show up at his house and tell him we can work through it but I don't think that will work. Does anyone have any suggestions on what to do here? How do I prove that I want things to work while not smothering him? He says he doesn't believe that I love him but I do. I just don't know what else to do.

GypsyArcher · 04-01-2007, 04:47 PM

The first question I have is, has this man ever been married/divorced or in any very long term relationships before you came along? It is very possible that he has had enough of being tied down because of negative experiences in his past and so doesn't want to find himself in a position like that again, at least not anytime soon, maybe never.

Obviously no one needs to tell you this, but losing your head and screaming is such a bad, bad idea. Nobody likes to get screamed at, and it's the easiest way to push someone away. This man has been around a lot longer than you have (not knocking you for being young or anything, I'm exactly your age) and I'm sure he's been through a lot of drama and is no longer willing to put up with any more of it, from anyone.

All you can do is back off, give him his space like he wants. This may be something of an unfair situation for you, because you want to settle down but he has (I'm assuming) already been there, done that. So you're on two entirely different wavelengths here. You're younger and more intense and he's older and more mellowed out.

A lot of older men are this stupid. They go after the younger, hotter women and pat themselves on the back about it, not realizing the drama they are opening themselves up to. Honestly, if this guy isn't going to give you what you want then maybe you should look for someone who is in the same place in life that you are.

DitoDupe · 04-01-2007, 07:41 PM

Actually yes, he does have a rather long past. He has a son with a gf that he only knew for a very short while bf her getting pregnant. He stood with her a year after that hoping to work things out but couldnt. He then got married to a woman that had been married twice bf they were together for 15 years and then one day she left bc my bf went into some depression for about 6 months. Immediately after her he met a girl about my age whom he became attached to immediately only to realize that she was only with him for money and once he paid off her debts she was gone also.

I know, I know, why on earth would I expect this man to settle with me? The answer is simple. I have proven to him that I am none of the above. I have been with him through his insecurities and issues with women. I have never had him even pay a single bill of mine and I have proven that I am here because of love and nothing else. None of this seems to matter. Like you said we seem to be in two different places. But then why is it that whenever I would want to leave he would say no that he loves me and that we are meant for each other? I am so confused and sick over all of this. I just spoke to him and he is being so cold. Saying he has had enough and wants to be given space. I feel like im dying bc I want to be with him and he wants the opposite.

I do realize that it is probably easier to just give up and find someone easier more simple. That wont be in such a rut, but im sure you can empathize with how difficult that can be. Especially when we have both just depended on each other never really becoming social with others. I think all is lost. He even told me he didn't know if he was in love with me anymore.

GypsyArcher · 04-01-2007, 08:28 PM

Well, when you say that you want the relationship to move on to more, what do you have in mind? Do you mean moving in together? Getting engaged? Obviously he is happy with the relationship the way it is, and doesn't want to feel any pressure. Unfortunately for you he comes with a lot of baggage, which is sometimes one of the downsides to dating somebody so much older. It could be that he will always have a problem trusting women now or letting his walls down all the way, no matter how good of a woman you prove yourself to be and how loving you are.

Of course you are perfectly justified in wanting your relationship to move to the next level, but I think these are special circumstances. You're a little more fresh and optimistic, whereas he has already done the settling down thing, been badly burned by it, and now he just wants space. I'm sure that he does care about you, but he has his mind made up that he isn't going to get too close to anybody.

If this is something that you really want to salvage, then I think you won't have much choice but to do a lot of compromising and going against your own instincts. He wants to keep you at arms length while you keep pushing the issue of moving to the next level, whether it be moving into together, engagement, etc. If there is any hope of saving the relationship then you'll probably have to zip your lips about any kind of deeper commitment and just accept things the way they are - and accept that they may be that way indefinetly.

If that is what you are willing to do (and without feeling any kind of resentment) maybe try to have a talk with him and explain that you understand where is coming from and how he feels, and that you are willing to back off and give him the room he needs. But then of course you'll have to prove yourself, by not being clingy and not having any more blow-ups.

You may never get married to this man, or even properly settled down with him. If he is worth it (and no one can judge that except you) then do what you can to meet his needs. But if in your future you want to have marriage and kids and all that, you may never get that with this man. And that's a chance that you'll have to decide if you want to take. I wish you all the best!

Seraph · 04-01-2007, 09:29 PM

I simply think that now, at his age, after the life he has had, he just doesn't want any more drama in his life for a while. Give him a break from the tantrums and yelling. Work on your own issues. You sound like a basically loving person and clearly love this man. Don't put him through your own ****, he has had enough of his own. You may or may not make it work, but deal with this anger stuff or you will just drag it into your next relationship.