Biggest problem we’ve ever had – help me stay out of Splitsville!
Ok, here goes. My bf and I moved in together in May of last year. For most of that time his 17 year old son has lived with us. My bf sent him back to his mothers house some months ago when his behaviour got out of control, and she subsequently sent him back to us after that for the same reasons!!!
His son is a very complicated character and, no matter what way I want to look at it, he’s a VERY bad influence on my 13 year old son. I’m actually very fond of the kid in my own way, and I know if I’d no kids of my own I’d put all my heart and soul into working with him to better himself and his prospects, for his sake and also because I love his father. But the fact is, I have a son of my own, and my job as a parent is to ensure my 13 year old isn’t exposed to the boozing and dope-smoking and generally disrespectful attitudes and behaviours out of this older teenager. (Which are usually directed towards his father by the way, I’m talking about sneering tones of voice etc... it makes my stomach churn to hear the way he sometimes talks to his dad. He doesn’t act that way towards me personally, but nevertheless he still manages to make living in this household a bloody nightmare.)
To give you all a good idea of what I’m talking about, I’ll relate the latest incident, the one which finally prompted me to throw him out. It happened about four nights ago: He came in at 5.30am and absolutely hammered the front door down until he woke me and my bf up. I said to my bf: “I’ll leave you to sort this out”. So my bf went down the stairs and let him in. I could hear the agro coming from the kitchen and then my bf walking up the stairs. Then a very peculiar thing happened: I heard my bf make his way halfway up the stairs, then walk back down them and the arguing continued at an elevated level. I was wondering what the hell had happened to prompt that, and I soon found out!
My bf came back into the bedroom and started getting dressed (he’d opened the door in his dressing gown) Of course I was wondering why the hell he was getting dressed at 5.30am. Here’s why: He’d been halfway up the stairs when he heard a female voice in the kitchen and since I’m the only female in the house (woe is me!) and I was upstairs in bed, he went back down to investigate. His son had sneaked his gf in, she’d been hiding round the back garden, and when my bf arrived back in the kitchen and ordered his son to take her home he flipped out and shouted at his father - “SHE’S STAYING AND THAT’S THE END OF IT”!!! Needless to say my bf flung the two of them out, at which point his son grabbed the key out of the kitchen door, and then slammed it so hard the whole house shook! My bf then got dressed to go after them. When he did he found the two of them in the laneway at the side of our house, waiting for us to go back to sleep so that he could sneak her in again!
Besides that latest incident, there have been too many to record. He routinely smokes marijuana, AGAINST my expressed wishes, any chance he gets and often when my son is in the house. My bf said that night, “that’s the end of it, we cant have him living here anymore”. I heaved a huge sigh of relief. The following day I said to him “what am I supposed to say if ___ knocks on the door”? He said, “tell him I’ll talk to him later”!!!!! My heart just turned to stone. I realised in that moment that my man is prepared to put me though ANY amount of BS for the sake of his son, and I also realised I’m the only person who can put a stop to it – so I did. I told him I cant live with his son anymore, that I cant have my son continue to be exposed to this sort of behaviour, and that if he’s going to challenge me on this he’d better be prepared to split up.
I have NO intention of ever allowing him stay in this house again, but since I’ve expressed that to my bf there has been a dreadful tension between us. I know he loves his son, I woudnt expect any different, but as I told him, I love mine too and I’m not accepting any more of this disgraceful behaviour under my roof. It is an awful influence and my son is at such an impressionable age. If I were to continue putting up with this for the next few years until his son matures and calms down I’d find myself in the same position with my own son, and there’s no way in hell I can sit back and let that happen.
His sons mother is a headcase and a drug and alcohol abuser and it dosent take much to figure out where his son got all this behaviour from. He has lived all his life with his mother (my bf and his sons mother split up when he was just a baby) only seeing his father every weekend, sometimes every other weekend.
I’m sorry for banging on so long about this, but I really need some guidance in what to say to my bf to calm the way he’s feeling right now. I know he’s stressed and depressed about all this, and I also know, worse still, that he resents me for this decision. I think, of all the problems we’ve ever had, this is the only likeliest to split us up, and I really don’t want that. Please help me figure out what to do or say for the best here!
Re: Biggest problem we’ve ever had – help me stay out of Splitsville!
Dear Laylah, I can feel the stress you are under. I can't imagine that your BF has any reason to resent you for your stance; you wrote that he had already sent his son back to his mother for being out of control, so it is not as if this whole thing has flared up over one incident, or that you have overreacted. I can imagine that the poor man is at the end of his tether, but at the end of the day the lad is not your responsibility, nor is he a little boy who needs to live with his parents come what may. You stick to your guns, you don't need this example flaunting in front of your young son. I mean everyone in this situation has choices, the son has the choice to live by whatever rules his father and you place on him (your house, your standards), father has the choice to really lay down the law "shape up or ship out", and it is not as if the boy will be homeless, there is his mother. I can't see that you are being at all unreasonable, or that the BF can possibly think that you are.
Re: Biggest problem we’ve ever had – help me stay out of Splitsville!
Thanks Sera; what I fear coming down the line is that he'll decide, since the boys mother is such a head-case, that his son is better off with him, come what may, and that he'll end up renting an apartment for himself and his son and that that'll be the beginning of the end for us because he dosent trust his son to leave him alone (and with good reason) so that'd rule out him spending any decent amount of time here. I'd get ****** off, rows would ensue, and so on and so on..
The last time he was sent back to his mothers the crazy drunken b***h ripped the neck off him with her nails, leaving him with some really deep and nasty wounds, so it was because I felt sorry for him and didnt want him being physically abused like that that I took him back. No matter what nonsense he gets up to, I dont believe he deserves to be torn to shreds over it.
The sad part about it, and the thing that really softened my heart, was when I asked him what he'd said to his mother when she sobered up. He said when she saw the cuts she said: "Jaysus, what happened to your neck"? but he lied and told her he'd been in a fight! I realised this was because he didnt want his mother to be guilt-ridden because of it, and that's what I mean when I say I'm actually very fond of him in ways; he has a good heart under it all. I really do wish the best for him, but have been forced to realise I'm just not in the position to give it to him, not at the expense of my own child.
There is no agro between myself and his mother, we've only spoken a couple of times on the phone, I couldnt claim to know the woman at all, and only know that she's a head-case because everyone who's ever mentoined her to me (around 8 different people) threw in that detail, including my partner, and, most tellingly of all, her own two sons!
I just dont know what to say to my bf about it all. I know he resents the position I've taken on this, unreasonable as that may be, but he does, and how can I blame him really? This is his flesh and blood we're talking about.
I just cant figure out what to do or say from here. I know what I'm NOT going to do, for the sake of my son, I'm not going to take him back. I just cant figure out what to do for the sake of my relationship, and I fear this is going to ruin us. If you walked into my home, well, you'd probably get hit by the tension halfway up the path!
Re: Biggest problem we’ve ever had – help me stay out of Splitsville!
Laylah,
You are not being unreasonable at all. You're bf's son is almost an adult and he is making the choice to keep acting in the manner he does. He knows right from wrong. Like pp said, this didn't all flare up over one incident, this has been an ongoing problem.
I can understand your bf worrying about what will happen to him if he tosses him out of the house. What parent wouldn't? But he also has to understand that his son's actions are unacceptable and it is unacceptable that you and your impressionable young son be subjected to that. I don't even think your bf giving him an ultimatum will work. He shows absolutely no respect for his father, you, or your son.
Maybe he needs some "tough love" to straighten him out, I don't know. From the sound of his mother he could also benefit from some therapy or alanon. All I do know is that you and your son should not be subjected to that.
Last edited by happymom28; 04-12-2007 at 07:20 AM.
Re: Biggest problem we’ve ever had – help me stay out of Splitsville!
Thank you very much Happymom, it is a relief to hear this. I know it's true in my own heart and soul, but I feel I'm being made to feel like the b***h in the equation here and that kind of thing can grind you down.
It's not as if I haven’t tried. I've been trying for the best part of a year and I'd try a good deal more if it wasn’t for the hugely negative influence on my son.
I'm still at a loss as to what to say to my bf to make him understand that I just cant take anymore, this is just pure parental instinct kicking in. The problem is that my parental instinct and his are doing battle here, and I fear it could be the undoing of us...
Re: Biggest problem we’ve ever had – help me stay out of Splitsville!
TEENAGERS! After re reading your post, I find that the ghastly behaviour of this boy is pretty typical of stuff that some workmates are going through. There are 3 of them with boys from 17 to 21 and they all do this stuff. These poor women come in most Mondays and settle in for a therapy group, tissues, cups of tea, the lot. Not to minimise at all what you are dealing with, but maybe the BF would feel better if he could compare notes with other parents. It reminds me of my husband being sure our daughter was going to hell in a handbasket, surly, rude, hostile and disobedient, until he found himself talking to some other fathers at work and found that they were going through exactly the same thing. It is horrible what teenagers are like a lot of the time. I was never like that, too scared of my mother. Feeling 4U, Sera
Re: Biggest problem we’ve ever had – help me stay out of Splitsville!
I really don't blame you at all for your decision, I can see why it's driving you crazy and would probably do the same in your situation.
However, I do feel for the boy and I think he has a lot of pent up anger and awful feelings of rejection from his mother. I think he's behaving like that because he is desperately seeking attention as his feelings of self worth are probably non existent. No doubt he will end up the same way as his mother
I'm sure you have done so already so forgive me for asking, but have you both sat down and had a real quiet and nice talk with him without any finger pointing? It seems he's missing out on a lot of love and security, being pushed from one house to the other all the time?
Re: Biggest problem we’ve ever had – help me stay out of Splitsville!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Xant
I'm sure you have done so already so forgive me for asking, but have you both sat down and had a real quiet and nice talk with him without any finger pointing? It seems he's missing out on a lot of love and security, being pushed from one house to the other all the time?
Oh yes, I've done all that Xant, and then I've done it some more. When he first moved in I remember he did something, I cant remember what it was, but my bf said to me "If he keeps this up I'll just tell him he's off back to his mothers". I told him, in no uncertain terms, that I wouldnt allow those sorts of threats thrown around because the last thing I wanted was for him to feel he was unwanted in my home as he was in his mothers. All my efforts have been to no avail; he has no respect for any of us, least of all his own father, and absoloutely damn all respect for the rules of my home.
I cant get over it when I think of how he behaves; when I was his age I was heavily pregnant, living in my own apartment and raising my little sister with damn all help from the childs biological father, our parents or anyone else, and sitting there waiting on my baby to come along so I could look after him single handed too. At his age I couldnt have even imagined having my meals cooked, clothes washed, no bills and all that This kid just hasnt a clue how easy he's got it. The bottom line with him is he just dosent give damn about anyone or anything and I havent a bloody clue how to deal with this situation with his dad, who I'm crazy about
Re: Biggest problem we’ve ever had – help me stay out of Splitsville!
Teenagers lol I was one myself not so long ago and it wasn't the greatest time of my life.
I do feel for you Laylah.
So your boyfriend wants his son to come back?
I dont see why your boyfriend would be so tense with you and resent you for this? Im sure he'd understand your reluctance to have his son under the same roof as yours? Does he not? Maybe talk to him again, and explain to him, as much as you want his son to live with you, you cannot let him because of his behaviour...youre only trying to protect your impressionable son. Im sure your boyfriend would understand? no?
I dont tihnk his son will change any time soon...thats just teenages for you,some of them have to go through phases like that...
Re: Biggest problem we’ve ever had – help me stay out of Splitsville!
Even better, let his son come back and let your bf deal with this BS himself till he decides he had enough of it. I mean his son is old enough to be independent, no? Can't he not ask for housing benefits, etc? He is 17 not 7.
I don't envy you much for having to deal with it constantly. It only takes me 2 minutes in company of new-generation teenagers to want to run away as far as I could. I work only one morning in a high school, and God, I can't wait for the 3 hours to be over, even though I work as a part of a support team and work with only one or two. It is the lowlight of my week, I have to say.
Re: Biggest problem we’ve ever had – help me stay out of Splitsville!
It's a very difficult situation. As a mother, my children come first always, no matter what problems they have.
Laylah, you are putting your son first too, exactly what I would do. I guess it's hard on the boy's dad as he probably feels the same way about his son too.
I wish you the best in sorting this out with, maybe, a happy end for everyone concerned, hopefully, when the lad realizes how serious things are, he might come to his senses.
Re: Biggest problem we’ve ever had – help me stay out of Splitsville!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Xant
I wish you the best in sorting this out with, maybe, a happy end for everyone concerned, hopefully, when the lad realizes how serious things are, he might come to his senses.
Does the boy realise how serious things are? Maybe his dad shuld have another word with him to explain how serious things have become due to his behaviour? I dont know if thatd do any good.
Re: Biggest problem we’ve ever had – help me stay out of Splitsville!
Thanks everyone; but there was something I didn’t add in here that I probably should have and I reckon it elevates the status of this problem beyond the usual teenage stage of rebelliousness.
His son broke into my house about 18 months ago and stole a very expensive piece of equipment which I used in the course of my work, and he did it when I was black and blue with my arm in a splint (which had to stay on for eight long miserable workless weeks) after I'd been attacked by a gang of drunks in the street and needed an operation on my hand to sew back the severed tendons (I was stabbed multiple times with a broken glass bottle). It was a horrible time and my bf's son knew exactly what I'd been through, but still he chose to break into my house while I was in that state. (It was only four days after I got back from the hospital)
Even just having written this, I'm asking myself what was I thinking letting him move in with us six months after that. I had sat him down at the time and had a long talk with him about scumbags and how people turn into them, by behaving like scumbags until that behaviour becomes their own. He did it for the money for his blow, I'd imagine. But yeah, I know this goes far beyond anything I'd consider normal or natural rebellious behaviour during the teenaged years. I made sure my son never found out anything about that.
I was talking to my aunt about all this and her take on it is that my bf never should have asked or expected me to take on his son after that in the first place. She reckons my bf just had no business expecting me to take him on in those circumstances. Do you guys have an opinion on that? Was it unreasonable of him to expect me to take him on six months after an incident like that???
Re: Biggest problem we’ve ever had – help me stay out of Splitsville!
That does change things a bit Laylah. I think it was VERY big of you to let him come back 6 months after that. Your boyfriend must understand at this point you have put up with enough already, and if he doesn't then he is a damn fool.
Has your boyfriend talked to him about some sort of rehab or counseling? I think you are right that it does go far beyond normal teenage rebellion. He has some serious issues because of his mother and issues with the drugs and drinking. What I meant by tough love earlier is maybe it is time he sat his son down and told him that unless he checks himself into some drug rehab and some therapy (that I think he should join in on) then he can not welcome him back into your home. How would you feel about that?
I feel for him. With a wacko for a mother it's a wonder he isn't a lot worse off, but that still doesn't excuse it. If your boyfriend doesn't do something about it now (because you know his mother won't) I wonder what will end up happening to him. What a sad situation all around.
This kid, obviously, doesn't have much of a conscience. Now I don't know if kids are born this way or if having a better childhood would have mattered. I take a hard line on this kind of thing. I always, always respected my parents, even though there were times I got very angry at them. I knew right from wrong without having to be told and I would never, ever steal from somebody. There is no excuse for breaking into somebody's house and stealing from them. Anybody who can do something like that is not somebody I would want to have in my life, not even in the periphery of my life. I'm actually related to somebody like that, and I'll have nothing to do with them.
You don't need that stress in your life. I don't know what you and your boyfriend can really do about it. I guess your boyfriend doesn't want to admit to himself that his son is a bad kid. But he shouldn't expose you to him like that. I guess he's kind of between a rock and a hard place
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Re: Biggest problem we’ve ever had – help me stay out of Splitsville!
Lylah, there are things that you should never EVER compromise on in your life. Actually your bf is not helping his son much by being soft with him. He can not get away with being so outrageously out of control. This time he did it to his dad's gf, next time he might do it to a complete stranger!!!!!! He is at an age when he could get in serious legal trouble for what he did.
It should not be an offence to your bf that you are decent enough to resent this c--p. He should be proud of you and looking for serious solutions for this situation. You are totally right not to want to take this anymore. Your bf might be trying to make up for his son's damaged sense of a family, but unfortunately he is doing it wrongly and at the expense of his other family (you and your son). It won't work like this. He should not wait till he sees his son in prison before he takes action to help him out. Good luck!
Re: Biggest problem we’ve ever had – help me stay out of Splitsville!
Thanks Gypsy, yes it struck me that way too, he couldnt have had any kind of concience about it to do something so low, and it was made all the lower by the state I was in at the time.
And yes Happymom, it is a sad sitution all round, and it's sadder still because there are oftentimes when I can see the good in this boy. If he was a total b*****d then I could just say 'oh screw him, I couldnt give a damn what becomes of him', but I do care, because I know if he got a decent chance, counselling and loads of support, there's a good possibility he'd turn out fine. I also care because I love his dad and I know how devestated he'd be if anything bad happened to his son, and the last thing I want out of this is for his dad to be devestated.
Thanks for listening, it is a releif to get all this off my chest. I guess I just got tired of playing happy families in what was turning into a mad house...
Re: Biggest problem we’ve ever had – help me stay out of Splitsville!
Aah, more of the story emerges...Laylah, you have done more, much more than most other partners would do. You took him into your home, you gave him every chance to fit in, then he stole from you, you took him back in. he has had every chance to straighten out. I can't believe that your BF can possibly resent you. Most women would not take on a 17-year-old with their new partner from the get-go. Whatever difficulties he has had in his upbringing, this boy cannot be allowed to ride roughshod over your family any more. It is his own behaviour that has spoiled it for him, don't let your BF go overboard on taking responsibility for him (as in renting the flat, as you mentioned). He is past the stage where that will do any good. He is who he is now and it is ONLY him who can change his direction. He just needn't do it in your home.
This kid just hasnt a clue how easy he's got it. The bottom line with him is he just dosent give damn about anyone or anything and I havent a bloody clue how to deal with this situation with his dad, who I'm crazy about 
