Most people enjoy being told "thank you", but not necessarily in this context.
So my husband and I are relaxing on the couch last night with a glass of wine with the kids tucked nicely in their beds. It occurs to me that it's been over a week since we last "got together", so I decide to make a move. I unbutton his pants and (for the sake of keeping it clean) I pleasure him completely . After a few moments he starts to get up and I'm thinking "okay, my turn". Well, imagine my shock when he says "thank you" and walks off to go smoke a cigarette !
I understand we are in our second year of marriage so things are not going to be as frequent. I just didn't realize that it all of sudden became all about him! This has never happened before. I would have felt like a total moron to say "hey, what about me?". Now I wish I had said something, but what would I have said? It's not like he has always been this selfish with things, but I have needs too.
To make matters worse I am now all worried that he doesn't find me attractive anymore. He has said to me that I don't need to lose weight for him and that he thought I was fine just as I was. I am now to the point where most of my clothes are really starting to get big on me and maybe he just really isn't attracted to me. Of course I realize this could all be in my head and I'm worried for nothing.
I don't know if it's this way for other couples (married or been together forever), but DH & I often do what you described, as well as our "regular routine" in the bedroom. By "regular routine," I mean we both get our turn. Sometimes it's thrilling to just concentrate on the pleasure of your partner at an unexpected time and different surrounding. It also breaks up that routine I spoke of previously.
But it's never all about me or all about him for any kind of long-term. Tonight it might be all about me. Tomorrow might be all about us together, each having our turn. Three days from now, it might be all about him. Variety is nice
Since it was a weeknight, a Monday no less, the kids are tucked away and you guys were not sealed away in the privacy of your bedroom -- you were on the couch in, I'm assuming, a living room or family room -- he may have just thought you were giving him a quickie to break up your routine a bit ... or he may have truly thought you were giving him a selfless gift.
Since this hasn't happened before, I'd seductively request your turn tonight. Have some fun with it. Email or text him some "instructions" today pertaining to your request, bring up last night and how turned on it made you feel, and know that tonight is all about you!
It is so easy to be wounded in your self-esteem. I can see why you feel like this, he was definitely having an insensitive moment. Still, these moments happen, when you are just not on the same wave length. Maybe there is stuff on his mind is he worried about anything? Don't let him do it again, tho. Next time, definitely make it clear it is a two-way street! Cheers, Sera
I didn't think of it like that. I guess it does all get pretty routine, and the lack of "privacy" could have been an issue. The last time I sent him a dirty email his boss was standing over his shoulder (his office isn't the most private) and I embarassed him a bit. Still, I think it would be fun to do it again.
My self-esteem has been easy to bruise lately. He has had a lot on his mind with his parents so that could have been a factor as well. I guess it's too easy to automatically assume it's you rather than think there could just be soemthing else going on.
Okay. Scratch the email at work, then. You don't want the boss man coming home with your DH for a night o' fun.
Leave him a note for when he gets home in an area that he goes to every night when he comes home, a place where the kids won't get it. Or just initiate yourself tonight, but turn the tables and make it all about you.
The possibilities are endless on what you can do -- tonight, next week, next month, next year. This is when marriage can be a lot of fun
Now, if he shows no interest in just a time for your turn, a chitchat is totally in order. But if it were me, I'd take this ball and roll with it. Men love guidance, instructions, how-tos, women who initiate and aren't afraid to liven things up a bit -- even our married ones. He was probably blown away by what you did last night. Keep it going!
I have to say that would make me very angry too! Is the "making a move on the couch" something that is maybe out of the ordinary for you? Maybe he just thought you were wanting to give him pleasure and that's it? Maybe he didn't know what to do next? Does he normally give you oral(or hand) pleasure...I mean once he's had his orgasm he can't very well get another erection so he couldn't pleasure you with intercourse for a couple hours later. But as far as in my relationship, my husband is as interested in giving me pleasure as he is in getting his pleasure so if he did that to me I'd think something was weird!!!!
I guess every couple has its own thing..I must say that only rarely I please him "completely" to keep things "clean" because we usually get busy together before he is over. We prefer that way.
If I do, than that is indeed a selfless gift to him, bcs he won't be ready for a while so, next night is mine. I am with Stenolady, that's what a relationship is about, you'll get your turn too, if he somehow is kind of busy you surely can send the right signals to him to remind him.. It can be your or his favorie night gown, or underwears or candles, or while cuddling, your move..he'll know for sure.
I'd agree with the advice so far Unless he tries to put off returning the romantic favor I don't think you need to be worried. If it was a weeknight evening and he went first... well, typically after a finish they're usually pretty finished anyway, if you know what I mean. They're now just suddenly tired and you want fresh attention, anyway, right?
Let him know you'd like the favor returned, and only if he is interested would I start to question why... it's a little soon and this isn't common so don't stress!
Yeah I'd also worry if it were more common, but a one-off in this department I suppose I could let him away with; that's men for you, ha ha! I guess you'll know from here on out not to let the fireworks go off for him till they've gone off for you; that's the way I deal with this Happymom, because once a mans fire cracker's gone off he dosent even stop to wonder if his womans fuse has been lit, and if it has, tough luck for us!
Yeah, I'm a bit selfish that way, I almost always make sure I've got myself sorted first. Actually I was accused of being "too controlling" recently. I just said "Hey, there's worse ways a woman can be sexually controlling". I know one girl who has NEVER preformed oral on her husband and has only had intercourse with him twice in the last two years! I told my bf about this, and told him to think on that and count his blessings, lol, as my friend could be described as sexually "controlling" too!
My making a move on him really isn't out of the ordinary, just something I don't normally do when the kids are home. He normally doesn't skimp on me which is why I was a little upset and surprised. I know he wouldn't be "up" for the challenge in a conventional way, that's why I thought somehow there must be something wrong with me.
We usually get down to it before any completion as well, but I think the element of surprise played a key role here. I think I just tend to get bruised a little more easily than I use to.
I know you are right. If he puts it off then I should be worried. I'll find a little way to let him know what I would like in return and see what happens. He is working late tonight so the kids will be in bed when he gets home. There are several possibilities here...
I'm with you on that. I usually make sure that I have my fireworks before his fuse is lit. I guess that's why I was so surprised by the lack of reciprocation. But that is men for you. Like being back with your first boyfriend who couldn't find his way around if he had a map and directions.
Two years is insane in my book, but hey, if it works for your friend!
Like being back with your first boyfriend who couldn't find his way around if he had a map and directions.
And a compass and flashlight... LOL
Originally Posted by happymom28
Two years is insane in my book, but hey, if it works for your friend!
Yes, it sounds like madness indeed, until you consider that she obviously isnt attracted him anymore, and that's a pity cause they've two beautiful young girls and wont be splitting up any time soon.
I'm very lucky in that regard, I'm still as attracted to my bloke as I was when we met. He's georgous, and he has that quality that's very appealing and very very rare in georgous blokes - he dosent seem to know about it!
I just had to update with admitting that I am a total freak and worried for nothing.
So tuesday night was a bust because he got home late and my neice slept over. I said nothing and let it go.
Last night he came home with my favorite bottle of red wine. He tucked the girls in while I was in the shower. I won't go into anymore details except to say that it was all about me for a while.
Thanks for letting me vent. I know I'm still feeling very self conscious about the baby weight and that has a lot to do with it. But on a good note I am now able to zip up the pre-pregnancy capris! I'm finally back into single digits!