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Old 04-18-2007, 01:03 PM   #1
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Is This Normal?

New to this board but read many of the others. Have a question(s) regarding a co-worker of mine. Quick run down: He ended an affair about 2 1/2 years ago (think it was about a year long). Went back to his wife and kids, she begged him so much. Thought things would really work out for them. Both friends of my husband and me. Long story short, she cannot get over it. Calls him 3-4 times a day, needs to know everything he's doing and everyone he's talked to! If he doesn't answer right away, she panics. (THis is all what he has told us) Crying over everything, very insecure, childish. He can't go to the bathroom without her being there! Late from work or anything, freaks, he might be seeing someone! Could go on and on.....They tried couseling (2 times) but she refuses to go b/c there is nothing wrong with her, it's everyone else who has the problems! (I used to tolerate her, not anymore. My husband refuses to be around her). Same for the others. Her husband is ready to crack! I told him he needs to seek counseling for his own sanity.
Isn't this a long time to be this way? Don't they say when you get back together the first rule is to try to go on? Their kids (teens) are hurtly deeply over this as she snaps at them over the most trivial things! She just seems evil and I think needs some deep counseling. But that won't happen. She did go to a doctor who told her it's normal, especially with her age and all (45, menopause?) That satisfied her, she's normal! Just an easy person to hate. What's sickening is that when the family is out in public, what a show she puts on!!! The perfect happy family! Everyone in our area knows better.
Sorry if long. I just know the husband is going crazy and is basically being punished for eternity for what he did. Yes, he knows what he did was wrong; we don't condone the affair, but don't blame him for leaving now that we know what she's really like. And yes, if it were not for the kids, he'd be gone!! May still happen...Just by listening to him, he says it's nice we're here to talk to. She'd flip if she ever knew. Any input? Anyone been here? Thanks. The Staff

 
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Old 04-18-2007, 01:17 PM   #2
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Re: Is This Normal?

she may be a little overboard. but seeing that HE had such a long affair she has a right. he deserves the nagging and crap that he is getting. he broke her trust and now he has to pay.

i haven't been there exactly like that. i thought my stbx was cheating with a co-worker. so i questioned, accused and tracked via gps on his cell. he was moving soon anyway, but i still thought he should have waited till he was out of my house. but if he were to come back now then i would prob be just like the wife you are talking about. she prob needs some meds to take the edge off till she can come to terms with his cheating and all that went with it.

i find it strange for you to be soooo fed up with her and not him. nobody deserves to be cheated on. nor do they deserve to be labled like you have done.
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Old 04-18-2007, 01:26 PM   #3
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Re: Is This Normal?

Well, if all of this is what you're hearing from the husband, I don't think I'd put too much weight in it. I mean, he obviously had no problem lying to and cheating on the woman he took vows to be faithful with. Lying to friends and coworkers to paint her to be the bad guy would be a piece of cake.

If you have personally witnessed this behavior and yet choose "not to tolerate her," all you can really do is offer support for your friend. I don't think there's some magical number as to when a spouse gets over the hurt of being cheated on. For some, it might be a few months or a few years; for others, it may take much longer.

He made his bed, ya know?

Oh, I always thought the first step in attempting to restore the marriage is meeting each other's emotional needs? It seems to differ depending on the "expert," but considering her husband took a lover for a year while married to her, her emotional needs are probably VERY different from yours or mine.

 
Old 04-18-2007, 02:00 PM   #4
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Re: Is This Normal?

Yea, know what you are saying. Guess we hear and see too much. Granted he does need to pay, and he realizes that and is willing to. She seems to go overboard at times. I know I've seen her snap like a twig over a compliment my husband gave her! That's the straw that broke the camel's back with my husband. Hasn't talked to her since. I guess what I'm fuming about is that I see what it's doing to her kids, not just the husband. They are terrified of her. You can see it when they are around her. You can tell they won't dare to disagree with her. Know they're confused. Think she has more problems than marriage problems. Yes, meds and counseling would not hurt her.

And us being fed up with her; I guess it's due to the fact that she was soooo nice to everyone when they went thru this we all really felt for her. Helped her move, did things with her. As soon as they got back together she became rude and basically dumped everyone. We all felt really used; confusing for us. And now when/if we speak to her, we watch how we say things as she's always twisting everyone's words. Kinda like she's punishing everyone for his mistake! Guess this should be on another board? Sorry if I'm/we're not real sympathetic to her as others may be; you'd really have to know her. And in a nut shell, why be with someone you don't trust? Why would you beg so much to have someone back knowing you'd never trust them again? Wouldn't want to live my life like that.
Thanks though.

 
Old 04-18-2007, 02:07 PM   #5
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Re: Is This Normal?

The first thing you have to remember is he chose to have the affair, and for a pretty long time. He chose to go back to her and work on their marriage.

The truth of the matter is you do not know what goes on behind closed doors. He wronged her and he needs to be the one to earn her trust back. You don't know if he truly is doing this or not. It's very easy to pass blame and opinions from the outside, but you just don't know for sure. IMO she is a much bigger person than me because I NEVER would have let him back, especially after carrying on for so long. What he did is pretty unforgivable from many perspectives.

The bottom line is there really is no magic number to get over it. She will be when she will be. I think they probably need counseling for that to ever happen, but I'm not in a position to judge because I do not know them. If she feels she can never get over it she should cut her losses now and not put their family through anymore turmoil.

 
Old 04-18-2007, 02:08 PM   #6
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Re: Is This Normal?

Actually yes her behavior for someone who has been betrayed it very normal. There are even some counselors who are leaning toward Post Tramatic Stress Disorder when an affair is revealed to the betrayed person. It varies greatly from person to person on recovery time. It can be months or even YEARS. He is just going ot have to suck it up and be willing to answer her questions, be understanding of her panic over him not answering phones, and follow her rules. He is the one who did the greatest wrong in the relationship so he needs to show both by words and actions that he is willing and able to gain her trust back. You might want to suggest they read the book After the Affair. It is a very imformative book that can help her reach out to him and give him ways to gain her trust back.
Everything she thought and believed of her marriage was completely turned upside down by his having an affair. She also has taken a huge blow to her self esteem. The trust was thrown out the window along with the rest of their vows. She is turning this stuff over and over in her head. It is one of the hardest things to recover from. I do think counseling would be good for her but going by what he has said she wont go. Maybe if she reads the book she might agree. But it is her choice. She has to get through this her way. People judging her isnt going to help. It maybe hard because you are hearing what the husband has to say and not getting the whole story. Be supportive of your friend but please dont tell him she should be over the affair. She has to heal in her time not on other's time frame.

It is actually quite common for behavior changes. You helped her out when with moving. She was in a very exposed time then. Now she is even more exposed because she took him back. She knows that everyone knows what he did. She probably said some harsh things when they were apart and she might regret that now. It can be hard to be that exposed and then to continue on with those people around. It would be confusing to wonder what they think of her. Such as oh poor thing her husband cheated on her, oh dear she took the jerk back after what he did...are justa few things she must be thinking.
You never know trust can be rebuilt and maybe that is what she is hoping for. Once the hard part is over many couples who make it through affairs have stronger marriages.
It is sad the kids are scared of her. It would be best if she did see someone because like I mentioned earlier some people do suffer from PTS or she could be depressed and that can cause her behvior.
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Last edited by Blastoff9600; 04-18-2007 at 02:15 PM.

 
Old 04-18-2007, 05:24 PM   #7
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Re: Is This Normal?

[QUOTE=Blastoff9600;2930190]It is actually quite common for behavior changes. You helped her out when with moving. She was in a very exposed time then. Now she is even more exposed because she took him back. She knows that everyone knows what he did. She probably said some harsh things when they were apart and she might regret that now. It can be hard to be that exposed and then to continue on with those people around. It would be confusing to wonder what they think of her. Such as oh poor thing her husband cheated on her, oh dear she took the jerk back after what he did...are justa few things she must be thinking.
You never know trust can be rebuilt and maybe that is what she is hoping for. Once the hard part is over many couples who make it through affairs have stronger marriages.
It is sad the kids are scared of her. It would be best if she did see someone because like I mentioned earlier some people do suffer from PTS or she could be depressed and that can cause her behvior.[/
QUOTE]
I agree with this, she was humiliated in front of everyone she knew, she took him back, I can see why it would be hard for her to just pick up her life again. She is a deeply hurt woman. I agree with the PTSD thing. I have seen couples who, try as they might, NEVER get over this. If it were me, I probably would not have him back in my life at all - a whole year he lied to her, no wonder she can't trust him yet.

 
Old 04-19-2007, 10:25 AM   #8
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Re: Is This Normal?

Have to add that I don't really feel much sympathy at all for the husband, he did make his bed. But, it would seem to me that even though you are sick and tired of her behavior and don't want to be around her anymore and you feel more for the husband, you would still be helping HIM out by befriending HER and letting her vent and being an ear to listen to. At the same time, you could gently let her know that she did make the choice to take him back and sooner or later she is going to have to stop punishing him if she ever wants to be happy in her marriage. But sometimes it's relational to how sorry he was. If he wasn't ver sorry and stopped being sorry, then she's going to stay mad until he starts being as sorry as she needs him to be. Dr. Phil always tells husbands trying to mend a marriage after an affair that they must be truly and completely transparent. IF she wants to see all the numbers he has saved in his cell, show her. If she wants to know where he is at any given time of the day or night, let her know. If she wants you to call her three times a day, call her. That's the only way trust can be rebuilt. If he ever, during the initial getting back together phase, if he ever wasn't where he said he was going to be, ever received a cell phone call and didn't tell her immediately who it was and what it was about, if he ever showed anything but pure transparancy, then he set the rebuilding of trust way back. Now it seems he doesn't really care about rebuilding the trust anymore, if he's truly ONLY in the marriage now for the sake of the kids. IF he doesn't care anymore then he may as well leave because he's not doing the kids any favors by keeping them prisoner in an environment where mom is screaming and panicking and flying off the handle all the time and dad just sits there and rolls his eyes and goes and hides. That's no way for kids to live. It'd be much better for them to break up for good and move on with their lives and for the kids to have two parents who live apart but who are not crazy, angry, raving and fed up.

 
Old 04-19-2007, 11:35 AM   #9
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Re: Is This Normal?

Yeah, I agree with everyone else...and reiterate that you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. He may be still sneaking communications with this OW he had a loooooong affair with. He may be sneaky acting about his cell phone etc. All things that make her suspicious. He has broken her spirit! She really needs counseling and is doing her and her family a huge disservice by not going but noone can force her to go. I believe that her action are only to be expected but if she doesn't get help dealing with the betrayal, she's going to end up getting a divorce. Personally I could never deal with knowing that I had been deceived for a year or however long it really was!

She feels like y'all are all on his side...which you ARE...so she probably doesn't like you guys very much to be truthful with you! I'm sure that I'd probably act the same way if I were in her position. She's just putting on her happy face to be out in public...that doesn't make her a bad person or two faced. It's just what people do in public. My husband's Ex used to come by the apartment about once a week...sure I put on a smile but really I wanted to puke when I saw her face!

Last edited by ILYF; 04-19-2007 at 03:09 PM.

 
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