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Old 05-01-2007, 09:18 AM   #1
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In love with my brother in law.....

I need your advice regarding my situation.

I'm leaving with my bf for 7 yrs now, with his family, we have 2 wonderful children. His brother who happened to be leaving also with their family (same house) he is leaving also with his gf and they have 3 children.

When the first time my bf introduced me to his bro, I felt that I got a crush on him... Of course I have to ignore my feelin, but when I have to move to their house and everytime I have to see him and talk to him... my feelin became more intense.

Last year my bf company send him abroad to work there and manage their finances. Now.... I'm worried coz everytime i see my brother in law my feeling for him became much much stronger. I don't know if I'm just imagining things but i got a feeling that he likes me also, I can see on his eyes.

I know this is wrong. I'm confused!!! Wasted by this attraction.
Please tell me how to ignore my feeling coz i'm keeping this for 7 yrs now.

 
Old 05-01-2007, 11:02 AM   #2
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Re: In love with my brother in law.....

I wouldn't say this is wrong (because feelings can't be wrong in essence, but they can be misplaced, if you see what I mean), but it is a very, very difficult situation, since it is happening inside your own family.

Indeed, I am wondering what kind of advice can be given to you. You must be feeling torn between the two poles: your husband and family and your crush or love for your brother-in-law. Who could ever envy you?

Well, you'd have to find a supportive person with whom you could share your dilemma, this burden. It must be too hard for you to be keeping this secret only to yourself and for seven years!

I understand that a provisory solution would be for you (and your husband) to move into another place so that you wouldn't be seeing his brother so frequently any more. I suppose this is impossible right now.

I was going to add that this would really be a provisory solution, because you might not only keep thinking about your in-law all the time, but also possibly fall in love with another man. It seems to me that basically you may still respect your husband, but you don't love him any more, if ever you loved him. Do you think there could be a way of fixing your marriage?

Maybe that was a fatal mistake of your past: you shouldn't have married him if you were not sure of your love. But no, I don't want to condemn you for it. Most people most of the time do such things. A person may indeed think that love will grow with time and some effort, but it doesn't always happen that way.

Well, I thought about your mother-in-law... I don't know if you have a good relationship with her. I don't know if she is a person whom you can trust. But I see her as a pivot in this situation. She must love both sons and she must know a lot about them both, things that you won't know yourself. She certainly wants the good of them both. If only you could confide in her, if only you could open your heart to her... maybe she would help you find a way out of this impasse.

You're in a bad fix, my dear friend, and you have been there for seven years already! I silently admire you. It could be just an impression and your alleged love for this man could simply vanish in the thin air once it is realized, but you have known him for seven years, so I don't think it is just pure infatuation.

You are living in a powerful drama and I would only wish you could draw from this drama an inner force to keep you moving along with your family and sublimate your love into any other creative realm. But maybe this is asking too much from you...

Last edited by pendulum; 05-01-2007 at 12:50 PM.

 
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Old 05-01-2007, 12:10 PM   #3
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Re: In love with my brother in law.....

i feel for you too. when my stbxh and i started to have problems i sorta turned my attention to his brother so to speak. back seven years ago when we sep. for the first time my BIL's ex wife (my best friend) suggested he and i hook up. his mom (my MIL) suggested the same. she always said i married the wrong brother cause we have so much in common. weird i know. but still. he had a crush on me too. i decided to tell him about mine one day and thats when he said he felt the same. it made things easier i guess. but we never did act on our crushs. i would suggest you talk to your BIL about your crush. i know some may disagree. but i bet he feels the tension (sp?) even if he doesn't feel the same way. and if that is the case he can help distance the two of you so that you can move on from it. if he feels the same way then you two can discuss that too. not saying cheat on your hubby and his SO whatsoever. but we can't help who we fall for. only you and maybe the BIL can figure out where to take the relationship or lack there of. good luck!
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Old 05-01-2007, 12:28 PM   #4
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Re: In love with my brother in law.....

Yes, chemistry strikes where and when it will. You can't help your feelings, and the stress of this over seven years must be excruciating! I sort of agree with Tarheel, about talking to him, except that I can see huge repercussions if it backfires. Go carefully, act honorably and honestly, and see if you can clear the air about this. Maybe talkling about it to the BIL will give you some release..Good luck, Sera

 
Old 05-01-2007, 01:20 PM   #5
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Re: In love with my brother in law.....

Hi again:

As much as I respect the advice from the other posters, I am afraid that talking to your brother-in-law (BIL) is not the best approach to your problem. If he admits he feels the same for you, it will be very difficult for the two of you to control your feelings and to avoid falling into each other's arms. I think that this long-standing situation has sort of weakened your self-control and once the desire gets expressed (uttered so to say), it will very probably carry you away.

Now if he denies feeling anything for you, which is a possibility, whether he is telling you the truth or not, you will certainly lose your face, moreover if you remain in the same house as he and his family. This is the "backfire" Seraph was talking about, if I understand her correctly.

I think that, all in all, this is the most difficult choice for you. If he was not your BIL and if he lived somewhere else, it might prove ok, but not under the current circumstances. This is my opinion. I may be wrong, though.

All choices are difficult for you, but I find that oepning your heart to a third neutral party would be better. Then again the decision is up to you.

 
Old 05-02-2007, 01:06 AM   #6
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Re: In love with my brother in law.....

Than'x for all your replies...

Sometimes I want to talk to my BIL and tell him all I wanted to say but
I'm afraid coz I know there is a consequences that I have to face after this.
I'm very much confused. Sometimes I don't want to go out in our room just not to see him.

I told my bf that I want to move out. He don't want, he said that it's much safer for me and to my children to be with his family (he's working abroad). I don't have a family here. I'm an only daughter and my parents are living away from me. Miles miles away.

I was believing that I kept my feeling for 7 yrs so maybe I will just keep it forever there. So no one get hurts... I love my bf. But it is possible that i love his bro at the same time? Coz I feel I do.

 
Old 05-02-2007, 01:33 AM   #7
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Re: In love with my brother in law.....

Honestly, it's hard to deal with ur situation.
Your in love with ur BIL and ur living in a same roof with his wife!!!
U have to decide not only for urself but for ur family as well coz u said that u love ur husband and u have 2 wonderful children, if u don't want to ruin this u better pack ur things and move out.

As i can see you loved your family coz u will not keep this to yourself for a long time and swallow all the pain inside for hiding ur feelin.

Pray so that whatever decision u will make u he will guide you.
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Old 05-02-2007, 02:44 PM   #8
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Re: In love with my brother in law.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by sweet&sour25 View Post
Than'x for all your replies...

Sometimes I want to talk to my BIL and tell him all I wanted to say but
I'm afraid coz I know there is a consequences that I have to face after this.
I'm very much confused. Sometimes I don't want to go out in our room just not to see him.

I told my bf that I want to move out. He don't want, he said that it's much safer for me and to my children to be with his family (he's working abroad). I don't have a family here. I'm an only daughter and my parents are living away from me. Miles miles away.

I was believing that I kept my feeling for 7 yrs so maybe I will just keep it forever there. So no one get hurts... I love my bf. But it is possible that i love his bro at the same time? Coz I feel I do.
I may be wrong, but you probably live in a place where women and wives aren't supposed to have a voice. I'm sorry for this. What is worse: your husband apparently doesn't listen to you; he says what you want is out of question. It seems he gives you no choice. I can't say that in my country women have exactly the same status as men, but in general wives choose where the family will live, how the kids will be educated and a lot of other family issues. They do have a role and it is not a shadow.

You could ask yourself: would my BIL treat me in a different way? Would he see the person in me and not only the woman? Or would he repeat and perpetuate the same patterns as his brother?

I agree that you can love two persons at the same time, although this is probably more difficult for a woman than for a man. She certainly will love one more than the other. The problem is that in most cases she can't have both.

If you were given a real choice, it would be: either keep your husband and family or go after a hypothesis. Are you sure your love for your BIL will keep when you are asked to cook his meals, wash his clothes, look after his kids, etc? I don't want to make little of your love for him, but I am afraid love hardly survives the daily routines of a couple.

What if this man proves to be worse than your husband? You've been watching him for seven years, but you only know what he looks like on the surface. Much of you think about him is in your imagination. So, why not begn to draw bad scenarios about him: he has bad breath? he is stingy? he comes (to an orgasm) too quickly? This would divert your attention from him and make you focus on the one person that most matters: yourself.

Yes, Sweet&sour, you'd be better to start doing something for yourself now! I think you need freedom, but first you have to learn how to use freedom. This may not be easy in this country, but it is your right to try.

Invest in yourself, go back to school, get a job, find any pleasurable activity, join a support group for women, write books, etc, anything. The important thing is for you to start moving for yourself and make a new life for yourself. It is not easy, but you must take the first step. I don't think you should trade this chance of growing up for the love of a man. You may choose to keep your husband or leave him, but first find your place in the sun and then maybe, with luck, mature love will come your way.

Last edited by pendulum; 05-02-2007 at 02:47 PM.

 
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