I've been with my boyfriend for over 2 years, we live together. I love him, he loves me- we're happy. However, I want to be married someday he doesn't believe in marriage. He tells me that it's not me, he wants to spend the rest of his life with ME- it's marriage he has the problem with. He doesn't like society being involved in our relationship and overall just doesn't want to be married ever.
I, however, want to be married. I want a stupid ring on my and my husband's finger showing we're both committed to someone special. I want my children to have a married Mother and Father, MOST of all I want that additional respect a man has for a woman when he makes her his WIFE.
In all honesty I'd be lying if I didn't feel pressure from outside our relationship to want marriage. Friends that think him not believing in marriage is a copout, looking at the finger's of married women and feeling a bit envious. All this pettiness is there too, but again it's respect and the want to be married with children- ya know, the picket fence dream.
I'm sure this is not a new situation, I'm to the point of ending the relationship because I feel like we've reached a crossroad. I want and believe in something, he doesn't. To be honest, what woman wants to pull teeth for her boyfriend to become her husband?
It would be easier if he wasn't the man I love; but he is, but I have to love myself enough to ensure my happiness in the end as well.
Ho does he think society would be in your relationship? Unless what he means is society sees it as right to be married when living together or right that a coupel should be married to have kids?? Is that what he is thinking? IF so he is far from thinking that. Society as a whole does have social norms but those are ever changing just as individuals are ever changing.
Here I have an uncle in law who also didnt think highly of marriage. His gf was fine with living together even though occasionally she mentioned it would be nice to be married. They lived together for about 20 years. They were considered in a common law marriage at that point but it doesnt hold a lot of legal ground when it comes to certain issues. But when she lost her job and health issues popped up he decided it was time to marry her. He did mainly for insurance reasons because by being legally married she could be on his insurance. That was about 4 years ago and you know what he says now...he should have married her a long time ago. He says it was stupid how he viewed marriage when he was younger. He says I see the benefits now not only legally,medically, but by seeing how happy she is to be finally married to him.
You could point out the above to him.
You could try telling him the relationship is still between you two just now it is on paper filed in an office. Spending the rest of your lives together but unmarried leaves a lot of things open. Like if he were to get sick unless he has a will /power of attorney stating you get to decide medical treatment his parents/siblings get to decide what happens to him medically. If one of your were to lose your work benefits like insurance you cant be on your SO unless you are married. Those are just a few things that marriage gives you access to.
The emotional gains with marriage can be great as well. You feel more secure when married. You feel respected and loved by your SO because they want to show the world(the papaer filed in an office and the rings on your fingers) that you are married. Granted you can still have love and respect without marriage. But when you dream of it you whole life and to be denied it kind of tarnishes it a bit.
We all have our deal breakers when it comes to relationships. This could be your deal breaker, his refusal to marry. If so you need to let him know that even though you love him deeply and you want to spend the rest of your life with him. You want to do so as his wife not his gf. Try to stay calm when talking to him.
__________________
Married 3/25/95
DS 13 yr
DS 8 yr (3+ yrs ttc)
TTC #3 since 01/02
I don't have any advice, but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone! My sister just broke up with with her boyfriend of about 5 years. They've lived together the last couple of years, but ultimately they want different things. He told her that he's just not "ready" for marriage, but that he loves her. She's completely broken up about it. She's living with my mom until she moves into her new apartment at the end of the month. I just wish that she were happy. Well, anyway, good luck. If marriage is what you want then follow your heart and find someone that shares your goals.
Well, Jess1866 (boy are you old ), I say, stick to your guns. As Kramer said, on one of the Seinfeld episodes, "if you don't want to be a part of society, then why don't you pack your bags and move to the EAST SIDE!" All that to say, it is already too easy to end a marriage. It is MUCH easier to end a cohabitation, regardless of what he may say now about how he wants to be with you. If you want to be married, and he has a problem with that, then I'd say that you both have a lot to discuss about your future, because this isn't just a present issue with you all. It may last for years to come and affect the choices of your kids. Counseling may be a good idea as well.
Long story short with my 2nd husband. I married my 1st one young and had a kid young(21) ex and I went through a bad divorce (because of our lawyers), we finally sat down one night having coffee at dunkin donuts and worked it out, is was nothing really to work out but we did and the lawyers were floored.
Well my dh was 31 at the time and never married before and I was about 23 and when I moved in he said that there would no marriage unless we were to bring kids into our relationship. now this was mutual mind you. I felt that marriage was only going to complicate things as well unless there were kids involved. It was a rocky road for us and a lot of growing up on my part to do so when he came home one night from being out and woke me up and said hey wanna get married! I was floored as well. Now we have known eachother many many years and been together 11 yrs and married now 7 yrs.
I had had an accident going down my stairs with my son in my arms, naturally I move so i took the hit and not him and well 8 yrs later I am paying for the damage. My shoulder took the entire force of my weight/his and the momentum of the accident. It was bad but I didnt have ins. and therefore didnt seek medical attention.
Marriage is security for one another. Society doesnt care if you are married/divorced/single or any other. If society really did care then there wouldnt be as many divorces as we have now and people would frown upon someone mentioning the word.
Does he not want children to see mom and dad in a loving relationship as husband and wife? Does he not want his daughter to find the right man and marry and grow up raising her kids? Can he not see himself doing this? These are questions he should be asking himself and well to be honest if your relationship great then there should be no difference in making it legal.
Many people asked us if we changed after we married. DH and I can honestly say no we didnt. Only thing is we ware jewelery now. (wedding bands) dh still goes out and I stay home with kids and when i get a chance to go out on the town my dh goes with me. We have had 3 kids of our own in a span of 4 yrs, found out that i wasnt able to have kids after I got married due to thyroid issues. I have been on medicine to correct that and always have to watch myself but i am fine now and we hope to have #5 soon.(1st one was with ex but still my dh in his mind). AFter #5 we are done with having kids and hope to enjoy all of the drama that having a big family comes with and then welcoming grandkids many years from now.
You can dream and have your thoughts and I would have to say that every women wishes these things and of course as we get older think more about it. Tell him how you feel and be honest and well if he isnt willing to compromise then I am not sure what to sya but give you prayers in figureing it out.
To me, marriage is standing up in front of everyone and announcing that this is the person you are committing your life to. It is celebrating your love for each other, and telling the world you are a couple. I know it is not legally necessary, I know it doesn't mean more than a piece of paper to society, but, hey, in the end it is a public acknowledgement of your love. Perhaps he has not thought of it in those terms? Best wishes, Sera
In my mind bf/gf relationship is something temporary. In rear occasions, people stay like that for a long time. May be he just doesn't want to be marry to you, but fine to have you as gf for a time being. I would not be happy with it as well.
I brought up the situation of me getting sick and not having health insurance, what would he do?
He said he would sell the house, etc. But, NOT marry me.
Wow, I told him it was over. I'm angry because I don't understand why he is so against marriage -but, you know what -I'm smart enough to know that it's not up to Me to have to understand his beliefs- that's why they are HIS beliefs. I respect his beliefs, that's why it's over.
Wow that was harsh of him. I would have ended it too if it had been me in your shoes. I'm sorry you have to go through that it is never easy to end a long term relationship. At least by ending you have opened yoruself to finding someone who does share your beliefs. But right now I would focus on myself for a while. You dont want to jump into another relationsip too soon. Not saying you will just some food for thought.
__________________
Married 3/25/95
DS 13 yr
DS 8 yr (3+ yrs ttc)
TTC #3 since 01/02
I brought up the situation of me getting sick and not having health insurance, what would he do?
He said he would sell the house, etc. But, NOT marry me.
Wow, I told him it was over. I'm angry because I don't understand why he is so against marriage -but, you know what -I'm smart enough to know that it's not up to Me to have to understand his beliefs- that's why they are HIS beliefs. I respect his beliefs, that's why it's over.
while I think it's great that you're standing up for yourself and not settling, I think the question you posed to him was very flimsy......do you not work? Do you not have insurance now? why would he be responsible for your health insurance?
I don't understand...you love your boyfriend, but you are more than willing to dump him over not getting a ring and a piece of paper? It almost sounds like those things, material things, mean more to you than the love you have for your boyfriend.
I don't really believe in marriage either. How can one take marriage seriously when not everyone who is in love (re: same-sex couples) are even allowed to get married? I don't like the idea of the government being in my business either. It sounds like in your relationship, your respective ideals meant more to you than each other meant.
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The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~
I brought up the situation of me getting sick and not having health insurance, what would he do?
He said he would sell the house, etc. But, NOT marry me.
Wow, I told him it was over. I'm angry because I don't understand why he is so against marriage -but, you know what -I'm smart enough to know that it's not up to Me to have to understand his beliefs- that's why they are HIS beliefs. I respect his beliefs, that's why it's over.
You absolsutely did the right thing and I totally support your decision. Rod Stewart pulled the same thing on Kelly Emburgh for 8 years, be with me, travel with me, be by my side, I love you, I need you blah blah, so she gave up her modeling career to be his wife without actually being his wife, gave her all the "we don't need a piece of paper" garbage. Then he took one look at Rachel Hunter and dumped Kelly like a bad habit and was married to Rachel within the next 6 months. Byt then Kelly was 36 and too old to be a model anymore. When he and Rachel split, she got a settlement because she was his lawfully wedded wife. Kelly got nothing but older. I have come to call this "being or getting Rodded".
I totally applaud you for not letting this guy do that to you. If you want to be married, don't waste time with men who don't love you enough to marry you, it's just that simple. And believe me, every man who says they never want to get married, will someday be married. when a man says "I don't want to be married..." listen very very carefully and if you are smart and perceptive enough you will hear what he's trying not to say: "...to YOU."
Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 05-01-2007 at 02:44 PM.
well Rod Stewarts woman could afford not to work.....that's not usually the case with "regular folk", like myself.
I still think she should have her own health insurance and not be depending on someone else to provide it for her. I'm guessing she works.......
well Rod Stewarts woman could afford not to work.....that's not usually the case with "regular folk", like myself.
I still think she should have her own health insurance and not be depending on someone else to provide it for her. I'm guessing she works.......
Yes of course, she could afford to not work as long as she was with Rod, but she gave up her career to be with him, and therefor was no longer making any money. She depended on Rod, and when he dumped her for Rachel, she was left pretty empty handed. But my main point was that he told one woman he just didn't believe in marriage, couldn't see himself married, ever, didn't want to be married, then the next woman he met he married within 6 months. It wasn't that he didn't want to be married, he just didn't want to marry Kelly, because he never loved her like he loved Rachel. When men say they don't want to be married what they really mean, I'd say 9 times out of 10, is that they don't want to be married to YOU. It's not a matter of money. But the thing is, if you have kids, and choose to slow your career or put it on the shelf all together in order to raise them, which I think every mother has the right to do if she wants, and her job becomes the kids, or keeping the home, helping him with his business, building it into more than it was or could have been made by him alone, and he suddenly decides he's had enough of her and wants a fresh young thing, if she's not his legal wife, she's hosed. She gave years of her life to some guy who can now legally leave her with no house, no money, no nothing if he wants to. If she's his lawful wife, she can be a wife, dedicate her life to being a wife and mom and not have to worry about hustling at the job to keep her career going at a single woman's pace while still trying to be a full time wife and mom, and when he leaves, she can still get some support while she rebuilds her life and her career. It's about protecting yourself, looking out for yourself, and about not dedicating yourself to being a wife if you really aren't a wife.
Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 05-01-2007 at 02:55 PM.
larrylous mom - I get your point, believe me, I do. I think what they did to James Browns wife was an absolute crime......she was with him for years, kids together, etc......they locked her out of her own house when he died.....
yes I know stuff like that can happen, and I'm all for protecting yourself and not depending on a man. That's why I said her reasoning was "flimsy" at best.....she shouldn't be depending on a man for health insurance......she should be working and providing her own.....
Rose I think she was referring to my post. If you read it you will see that my Uncle in law and his now wife were together for 20 years before they got married. When they got married he started off doing it because she LOST her job therefore LOST her insurance coverage. She had some major helath issues pop up out of the blue and no insurance to take care of it. She couldnt work when these issues came up either so she couldnt find a job that offered benefits. My UIL asked her to marry him then so he could take care of her. After they got married he said he couldnt believe he waited that long to do it.
Also that piece of paper gives you quite a few rights. Such as if your spouse can't speak for themselves when it comes to medical care you as their spouse have the right to make those choices for them. Say they are in a coma and need surgery you as the spouse can give the go ahead for them to do the surgery. Also gives you the right to turn off life support if it is needed. As common law spouse or line in partner you dont have those rights. Now if a power of attorney or living will is given to the unmarried partner then you can do those things. Also when a spouse dies the surviving spouse is entitle to certain benefits. But you have to be married to get those benefits.
Yes it is sad that same sex couples cant legally get married in most states but there are people working on that. To use that to shame this other person about their beliefs is in poor taste really. She has her beliefs and if it is a deal breaker that he wont get married that is her choice. It isnt an easy choice I'm sure but its beeter now than sit around waiting for him to change his mind or for something to happen in which being married might have helped.
__________________
Married 3/25/95
DS 13 yr
DS 8 yr (3+ yrs ttc)
TTC #3 since 01/02
You also can't visit your SO in intensive care if you are not his legal spouse, any children you have are legally "non marital" children and have to go through a few extra legal hoops that marital children don't have to hop through because paternity is assumed with marital children, paternity has to be proven or claimed with non marital children.But I guess the real bottom line really has nothing to do with any of that. If you dream of having a husband, being in love, like "this is the only person in the whole wide world for me and I'm the only one for him" and your morals and values make you feel like marriage is the "real deal," a real commitment wereas just living together is just "playing house" then I think you could end up being very disappointed and feeling hollow and unfulfilled if you give up on that dream and abandon those values.
larrylous mom - I get your point, believe me, I do. I think what they did to James Browns wife was an absolute crime......she was with him for years, kids together, etc......they locked her out of her own house when he died.....
yes I know stuff like that can happen, and I'm all for protecting yourself and not depending on a man. That's why I said her reasoning was "flimsy" at best.....she shouldn't be depending on a man for health insurance......she should be working and providing her own.....
Well I'm a single woman making it on my own, taking care of myself, but don't make that much money, cannot afford my own house, I do have excellent benefits, but I would throw it all away in a heartbeat for the right man. My dream is to marry and be a stay at home wife and mom. I desperately want to be a mom, and I know I could never be the kind of mom I really truly want to be while trying to hold down a full time job at the same time. A career to me isn't anywhere near as fulfilling as a family would be. And of course, if I'm going to quit working to have kids full time, I would have to depend on my husband for money, for my health insurance, etc etc. If I'm not married to him, he can walk out anytime and leave me high and dry. If I'm married to him, he legally has to be responsible to me and the kids. If you want a family and to be a stay at home mom and wife, then really, marriage is the only way to go.
Any woman who doesn't work and depends on a man for her livelihood needs to open her own secret bank account and make sure she is squirreling money away. If you're being supported by a man for years and then he decides to up and leave you, you'd have to be pretty stupid not to have any kind of money saved up. Especially in the case of Rod Stewart's girlfriend. He must have bought her at least some expensive gifts, which I would have sold/pawned or whatever, and put the money in my bank account. You gotta be smart.
__________________
The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~
), I say, stick to your guns. As Kramer said, on one of the Seinfeld episodes, "if you don't want to be a part of society, then why don't you pack your bags and move to the EAST SIDE!" All that to say, it is already too easy to end a marriage. It is MUCH easier to end a cohabitation, regardless of what he may say now about how he wants to be with you. If you want to be married, and he has a problem with that, then I'd say that you both have a lot to discuss about your future, because this isn't just a present issue with you all. It may last for years to come and affect the choices of your kids. Counseling may be a good idea as well.
