I'm happy that I got what was coming to me. No, I mean it. I'm glad. Karma laid the smack down on my butt. The whole of my stupidity was exposed to the light, and while I feel like crawling into a hole and dying, I'm thinking I might just learn something from all this. I hope. It really hurts. But it's all my fault though.
So my boyfriend started insisting on going out with me and my friends so that he could keep an eye on me and make sure I didn't cheat on him again with my former friend-with-benefits. At first I was extremely annoyed by this, but then I figured maybe it would be good, a way to show up my friend (who I admittedly was not and am not over) and make him jealous.
Well, so then I started doing some thinking and decided that I had to break up with my boyfriend after all. Some of you might be glad to know that I'm actually going to start working again and will not be relying on him anymore. (Especially since this crap with his failed internet business is still haunting me - now I've got people threatening to come to my house!!!
) We fight every single day, and it is just draining.
So I go out the other night, and my friend, the one I'm in love with (or whatever) totally drops this weird bomb on me from left field. I got drunk and like usual tried to go home with. But apparently me bringing my boyfriend around where he could see really had an effect, although more of an effect than even my stupid little brain could imagine. He was like, get this, that he is absolutely done with me because I was with somebody else. I was like, "Run that by me
one more time?" He was like, "You made a choice, and you didn't choose me, so now you can't have me anymore." And I'm like, Whoa. That is one memo I sure did not get.
Okay, this is the guy who told me he was not going to be my boyfriend. He made it abundantly, perfectly clear that what we are is friend-with-benefits. He never calls me, we never do anything together apart from sex and when we go out it's always with a big group of friends. I see him once a week, on average. And now, all of a sudden, I was supposed to have been faithful to him.
Who? What? Huh?
I would have been more than HAPPY to have "chosen" him, except for the part where he told me he wasn't going to be my boyfriend. I feel like I really missed something. Where does he get off? What did he expect, for me to seriously be satisfied by seeing him every now and then??? The worst part is, I WOULD have been satisfied with that, if I knew that we were supposed to have this committed, convoluted FWB deal. Because I am gone on this guy in a big way.
Auuughhhh. But really, what I should have done was had the balls to break up with my boyfriend months ago. But he still owes me hundreds of dollars with this whole internet-business CRAP, and I'm afraid of getting stuck dealing with it on my own. I guess it wouldn't really have been any different if I WAS single, because honestly, it is nuts to expect me to be totally faithful to a guy who doesn't even want to date me. But oh. How I liked this guy.
Now I'm feeling mixed up because I keep thinking, "If only I had broken up with my boyfriend...if only I'd proven to my friend that I really did like him, and only him, then maybe things might have gotten more serious between us." So now I feel like I sacrificed him...and I can't stop kicking myself for it.
But, I got what I deserved. There was no way, with the way this whole thing began, that there was going to be a happy ending. And I knew that. I knew that all along. But I'm still sad. Geez...I am hideous. But maybe now I'll start getting my act together.
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