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Old 05-07-2007, 12:27 PM   #1
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I hate this nervous feeling

So- I have really been working on my insecurities, ever since i realized I am pushing my bf out the door.

Anyway, He is in a band and I go to a lot of shows but skip some here and there. Well, this weekend he is playing two nights. One night at a bar that is like "hot girl city" from what I hear, and the other in the city. I am going to the one in the city already because a bunch of my friends are going and we all have plans to have dinner first. I am also working both Saturday and Sunday day (my part time catering job.) Anyway, I dont want to go Friday night, but my insecurities are the only thing making me feel i should go. I get nervous of the "What if he meets someone else....." Etc type thoughts.

I dont get this feeling every show i skip, i have just heard about what a big and busy place this is and how lots of girl go.

Any suggestions...my bf does now know of my feelings towards this and would tell me i'm crazy!

 
Old 05-07-2007, 12:45 PM   #2
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Re: I hate this nervous feeling

Quote:
Originally Posted by ash519 View Post
"hot girl city" from what I hear,
First I have to ask being from massachusetts myself, what city is "hot girl city"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ash519
I get nervous of the "What if he meets someone else....." Etc type thoughts.
I remember you posting about this before (or at least I think it was you). Does he give you any reason to feel insecure? You have to remember, this is his job. He is going to play music for a paying crowd. Even if he flirts a little bit (which I'm not saying he does, I'm saying IF) he is coming home to you. He is performing, acting in a sense.

I have a male friend who is a dj and does a lot of popular clubs around the area. He has a wife and a child at home and he is VERY good looking. Sure, he talks to the female customers, but that's it. His job is to entertain and keep them coming back. Every night he goes home to his wife and his child. She doesn't always like it, but she accepts it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ash519
I dont get this feeling every show i skip, i have just heard about what a big and busy place this is and how lots of girl go.

Any suggestions...my bf does now know of my feelings towards this and would tell me i'm crazy!
Unless he gives you a reason to not trust him (ie he has cheated in the past or something) you need to let it go and try not to worry. I know it is easy to say, but seriously, no girl is going to make him do something unless he wants to do it, you know what mean? Try to remember it is his job. It's not like he is going to "hot girl city" with his friends to pick up other girls.

 
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Old 05-07-2007, 12:55 PM   #3
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Re: I hate this nervous feeling

Thank you so much for your reply. It really helps hearing, well, reading that.

It's not really hot girl "city" I just mean the bar itself tends to have a lot of young, good looking girls in it.

He has never cheated. He tells me all the time how much he loves me etc. I think the part of our relationship that would lead me to believe he is not as happy as he could be is my insecurities and he hates that I think he would cheat or leave.

It was me who posted before. Certain behaviors have certainly changed of mine but some things spark this 'crappy' side of me and i hate it!!!

I do have to let this go!!!

Thanks again! Oh, and I bet it must be hard for your friend whose husband is a dj!!! It takes a secure woman to handle this kind of stuff and I am working on being one of them!

 
Old 05-07-2007, 01:01 PM   #4
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Re: I hate this nervous feeling

Believe me, I would be lying if I told you it was easy for her. It took her a while to accept it, and she still gets the feelings you are having from time to time.

You will get over the insecurities. If he wanted to be with other women he would be, but he's not, he is with you. Just keep telling yourself that.

 
Old 05-07-2007, 03:39 PM   #5
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Re: I hate this nervous feeling

If its any comfort, you are not alone

My boyfriend is in a band too. And he's Mr. popularity amongst the girls at our uni. (There are only 4 guys in the entire course). And he posts his music on ******* and gets "Will you marry me?" "I'm in love with you I could listen to you all day..." and "Many kisses" messages frequently.

As a result of my insecurity I make sure i'm there. Like.. all the time. Lol. I wish I could not care too but the reality is is that I don't even want him to be attracted to anyone else. But it happens... and it blows.

I hope you get the reassurance you need

 
Old 05-07-2007, 04:34 PM   #6
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Re: I hate this nervous feeling

It's ironic that you're so worried about your relationship but at the same time you're the one who is ruining it with your doubts and fears. I'm sure it's very aggrivating for your boyfriend to hear about how you don't trust him, especially when he's never done anything wrong. I get a

You just have to chill out. That's all you can do. And even if your boyfriend DID fall for some other girl, you couldn't stop it anyway. Not saying he WILL, but just in theory. If you hold onto something TOO tightly, you'll end up breaking it. There's no way of telling how long your relationship will last...could be forever, could be another month. But worrying about things that could happen, especially things that aren't very likely, is the biggest waste of time ever.

Don't go to his shows just to police them. That couldn't possibly be any fun for you. Go only because you want to get out and have a good time.
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Old 05-08-2007, 06:19 AM   #7
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Re: I hate this nervous feeling

Gypsy and Chez- Thanks for the replies. They are very helpful!

Chez- See, my bf is attractive, but he is not that guy that gets all the girls or anything. He doesnt really get hit on too much. I think that feeds my fears that someone will notice how fantastic he is OR if someone does hit on him it will be super exciting for him and who knows, I have never seen his reaction to something like that. I do have faith in my bf. He loves me. I just get nervous.

Gypsy- You are totally right. If it's going to happen, it will happen, and I doubt it will anyway, i just get this nervous worried feeling sometimes. I am not going to the show Friday because the only reason I would is to 'be there'. Saturday I am going and looking forward to it very much!

This situation, my insecurity, is the only thing bringing our relationship down. Dont get me wrong, he definately has a fair share of faults too. But my sensitivity and worrying is by far the worst.

 
Old 05-08-2007, 07:00 AM   #8
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Re: I hate this nervous feeling

Quote:
Originally Posted by ash519 View Post
Gypsy- You are totally right. If it's going to happen, it will happen, and I doubt it will anyway, i just get this nervous worried feeling sometimes. I am not going to the show Friday because the only reason I would is to 'be there'. Saturday I am going and looking forward to it very much!
This situation, my insecurity, is the only thing bringing our relationship down. Dont get me wrong, he definately has a fair share of faults too. But my sensitivity and worrying is by far the worst.
I agree with Gypsy. I will go further and say that you are totally disrespecting your boyfriend, who, from reading your old and new posts, has not given you cause to worry. I know women whose SO's have cheated with women they met in the bank, in office jobs, and in one case a kindergarten teacher. I know some musicians and band members who are married etc, and if you heard the way they talk about 'groupies' you wouldn't worry...they wouldn't touch most of them with a ten-foot pole. These guys know they are being hunted for their jobs not themselves, and they are fairly disgusted by the whole thing.

 
Old 05-08-2007, 08:10 AM   #9
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Re: I hate this nervous feeling

I think your problem Ash is that you don't have enough love for yourself, and it makes you kind of selfish. Musicians thrive on attention; would you honestly say that during his shows you would rather all the women totally ignore him, not even notice or appreciate him? I always feel a deep sense of pride whenever women in the audience are impressed by my boyfriend, ha, it makes ME want him more. I know my boyfriend isn't going anywhere...I know, because I've tried to get rid of him, and I can't.

I know it sounds odd, but you should be happy for any attention your boyfriend gets in regards to his music. I'd rather five thousand skanky, scantily clad girls crowd into a building to listen to my boyfriend play than NOBODY coming to hear my boyfriend play. Either you trust your boyfriend, or you don't. If you don't...then you're just going to always make life miserable for the both of you.
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Old 05-08-2007, 10:40 AM   #10
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Re: I hate this nervous feeling

Ash - in your defense, I must say it is NOT easy at all to date a band musician. It takes a special kind of girl to handle it. Being in a band is like being in a four or five-way marriage already, and there are many times when you have to be ok with being "the mistress" in his life, and waiting till all the band business is done before he can focus on you. You have to walk that fine line of having respect for yourself, and not letting anyone dump on you, while at the same time being supportive of his music, of the band, and not letting the insecurities eat away at you, and getting along with all the other band members. If you start coming to every gig, every rehearsal, it will throw off the dynamic of the band, and the band will soon break up and you'll be the "Yoko" who ruined the whole thing. If you don't come see him play enough, then you're the selfish cold unsupportive snipe who didn't appreciate his music enough. It's hard.

All I can say is, that I do agree that when he's onstage, he's working, he's putting on a show. That's not where you're going to see if his attentions are wandering. In this situation, you'd be better off paying attention to other red flags, like how he treats you when you are together, when he's with you and around his friends, etc. Does he give you priority, treat you with respect and honor? Does he listen to you (when you're not nagging or complaining) does his manner make you feel valued, respected and loved? If yes, then I'd say you've nothing really to worry about. If something about the way he treats you gives you pause, thenyou don't have to actually see him flirt with other chippees to know something's off.

I don't envy you. I dated a guitar player in a band once and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I really don't think I'd ever want to do it again. Good luck to you.

 
Old 05-09-2007, 05:00 AM   #11
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Re: I hate this nervous feeling

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He doesnt really get hit on too much. I think that feeds my fears that someone will notice how fantastic he is OR if someone does hit on him it will be super exciting for him
How cute are you! lol But i know what you mean. I think that yah if your boyfriend did get approached he would be flattered, but thats it, yeah? You know that he's not going to do anything... so I think peoples like you and me just need to breath easy and trust our men. The thing I try to remind myself all the time is #1 He's in love with me (So i have a major step up on any other girlie who wants to batt eyelids) and #2 In order to keep it that way being relaxed and laid back about EVERYTHING is extremely appealing to men. Being uptight not so much. This is unfortunate for me caus im a bit wound up most of the time... but I can at least fake it! Maybe you should too until you get more confidence.

 
Old 05-09-2007, 05:45 AM   #12
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Re: I hate this nervous feeling

Larrylou- Thank you so much. It is hard! I think it is hard for a lot of girls. One of the gf's goes to EVERY show. Every single one! I just cant do that. I dont like going out both nights and my bf is fine with that. He encourages me to do other things if I want.

Chez- I agree....although I am feeling more and more confident the more I try and focus on fixing this problem, until i am 100% I really need to just act like I am. It wont be easy (as you know) but I just have to. And you're right, he is in love with me! This is the only thing that makes him question 'us'. If I fix this then I'll be perfect. HAHA!
I am pretty wound up too. I stress a lot and I am also really sensitive too!! Again, stuff I am working on! It's all work in progress!

 
Old 05-10-2007, 11:19 PM   #13
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Re: I hate this nervous feeling

Yes we are all works in progress...

My bf and i have been dating for 2 years and only now do I feel like i'm doing it right! But the more you improve now the better it will be

 
Old 05-11-2007, 01:34 PM   #14
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Re: I hate this nervous feeling

If he hasn't done anything to give you reason to worry, then don't. I once dated a drummer in a band who was a notorious flirt... a completely different story. How I handled that was to RARELY go see him play. This bothered him NO END! He took his music VERY seriously and was offended that I wouldn't drop everything in my life and rush out to see him. But it killed two birds with one stone...knocked him down a notch and I didn't have to go see the girls throw themselves all over him. Who knows whatever happened during/after those shows? You've got your own life!

 
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