My boyfriend and I are moving in together at the end of August. We've been together a little over a year. The decision to move in together came up sooner than either of us originally expected, but that's just the way circumstances turned out. It's still a few months away.. so it's not horribly sudden! Anyway..
His biggest concern is that we'll turn into a boring, routine couple, that he'll get bored and fall out of love with me! (which could acutally happen whether or not we live together, really.)
So I'm here looking for some insight from couples that maybe have experienced the same concern, and if there is any advice over-all that can be given to a soon-to-be-live-in-couple!
I fully believe that living together will show us whether or not we really are as compatible as we seem now. This is the happiest I've ever been in a relationship. I love him more than I ever thought I could love someone. I just really want this to work! I'd hate for something like routine and boredom to ruin it.
i moved away from my hometown to live with my bf three months after we met. i worried myself sick about the "routine" thing you speak of. but it has yet to happen. granted its only been eight months since the move. but things just seem to be getting better rather then worse. and i didn't think they could get any better. you have to have "me" time. you have to have time to do things by yourself and so does he. that way you don't smother each other. routines are good sometimes. you may think they are boring. but just wait till you get into one and then something happens (work late or one of you has to go overnight somewhere) to get you out of it. then you will feel lost. the only "routine" i would suggest not getting into is the intimate one. where every time you go to bed you have to..well..you know. thats the one to avoid. then it become a chore rather then something fun and enjoyable. we haven't gotten stuck on that routine yet.. but yea it is a good idea to give living together a try before marriage. good luck and don't worrry about it..
This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.
Those who forget the past are destined to repeat it.
I've been the advocate of not moving in before getting married for the longest time until I did it myself. If I had to go back, I'd stand for my original decision, I believe that it's better if you;re married and start your life together as a married couple that way you can blame the marriage insitution lol
anyway, he seems a bit insecure and that's not so good. My BF initiated and was the one who asked me all the time to move in, and I was always postponing it and the one wanted to "move out" all the time ..I think that especially for guys this is a decision that should be made in clear mind, something that he knows what he's getting into and knows how to deal with it. Has he been previously in LTR?
As far as the routine and falling out thing, I think that living together only enhances what you already have in your relationship. If any of you has any doubts/insecurities those will be either resolved or escalated, which would have been the case if you didnt live together, just a matter of time and intensity.
take your time, on the other hand, living together in a shared private place will open the door to many adventures and intimate enjoyable time -- think of the possibilites, if you both want them they can be so many in every aspect
Maybe I'm being naive, but isn't it normal to have some worries or be a little scared about taking that next, serious step in a relationship, like a bride or groom on their wedding day.. cold feet?!?!
I have no doubts about my feelings for him.. but I do have a tendency to over-anaylize most situations, which leads me to consider all possibilities, including worse case scenarios. That's a bit of my own personal paranoia.. having been hurt multiple times in the past leaves me wondering how long something so good can actually last.. I've become a bit of a cynic.. sad, but true.
I think he is a little bit similar in that aspect.
I could be blinded by emotions... but I feel that both of our concerns are just irrational little worries, rather than deep rooted fears.
He has been in one other long term relationship that lasted a little over 2 years.. but he was younger, so I'm not sure how serious it actuallywas for him. This is my longest and most successful relationship. We are both fairly young, and he is younger than me.. which will probably cause most of you readers to think "what are you getting yourself into Jen?!" He'll be 22 in a couple weeks and I'll be 24. His age was a little worry for me in the beginning of our relationship.. but after getting to know him I've learned that age really is just a number.
I know that if he had any major doubts or really didn't want to be moving in together that he would tell me. I know he is honest with me, but also that he wouldn't wouldn't go through with anything he didn't really want to do. I just think that this post mostly stemmed from my own need to hear reassurance... or something. I know... something I need to hear from him and not a message board!!
I mean, doesn't everyone have irrational fears from time to time!??!
I have been known to have irrational fears and over-annalyze a lot so I don't think you're alone on that one.
I think it's strange that your boyfriend would be saying he is worried about getting bored and falling out of love with you. I've just never known anyone to say something like that before making such a big step. Maybe I'm taking it out of context. If I were you I would talk about what he is most affraid of and build from there. If you are going to have any future together you need to be able to communicate, even if it's something you really don't want to talk about.
I will suggest to you that you both keep having your own life apart from eachother. Just because you are living together doesn't mean you have to spend every moment together. Have time with your friends and your interests and allow him to have the same. I can't stress this enough!
you know I was thinking of this after I left the board. Of course we have our douts and insecurities, regadless of our age or situation..and btw age as a number doesn't matter, emotional and mental maturity; and your compatibility do.
That being said, I think that is very important to keep realistic expectations out of everone including yourself and your BF.. you can't expect that your life will be without problems, or worries or doubts, tempetations and so on, just a fairytale of love; but what you need to know is that both you and your bf are in it together and will stand by each other's side no matter what.
If my bf were to say that before we moved in together, I'd freak out. Sorry that doesn't sound much of insurance, but that's me. However you know, it might turn out that he said without putting much emphasis on it, and if you feel that he everyday you spent together he is closer to you, and he is keeping the same realistic expectations he got in you should be fine.
I totally agree 100% that a happy couple needs alone time, time with just their friends and couple time. After he shared his concern with me.. that was something I said to him.. which I had said on other occasions in a more general conversation. I also told him that as long as we communicate, and he tells me if things are bothering him, and as long as he doesn't feel he's being smothered.. that we should be fine.
I'm an open book.. I spill my thoughts whether people want to hear it or not! He's not so willing with his emotions. If I ask him something important, he'll tell me honestly.. but he doesn't often volunteer personal information, which, in my experience, is common for guys.
I have friends that are with thier significant other 24/7.. can barely pee without the other being there! haha! I told my boyfriend that I definitely don't want that! I want us to have our seperate lives, as well as our life together. He knows that, and feels the same.
Thanks again for the replies.. it helps to be able to "talk" about things with "outsiders!"
Jen- I think that your bf's fears are valid, especially if neither of you have lived with a SO before. I take it as a genuine fear because some people feel that way, that once you move in together it is down hill, or maybe have seen other relationships go downhill.
Fact is your relationship will grow as well as become some what of routine. That's ok. I love my bf and we have been together 2 years, living together a bit more than 1...our relationship is comfortable...but our love didnt die down. We still have an active sex life and have fun together. We might stay in more often than we used to but whatever. It's nice.
Your fears are not irrational...I have irrational fears very often and this isnt one of them, i think it's a genuine concern, not that it will happen, but it is something that may cross ones mind..such as "If we move in together, will we want to kill eachother?" Sometimes, YES! HAHA!!!
I think your post was a more direct and simpley-put way of saying what i needed to hear! I needed to know (from someone else's oppinion) that we're not being totally irrational, and that we're/he's not predicting that things will end.. just that it is a normal, healthy thought that crosses the mind!!
It is perfectly natural to get cold feet about moving in together. In the case of your fiance, maybe he is basing his view on relationships he has seen, such as that of his parents..living a nice boring life, no surprises, NO FUN. This is not how it will be for you, at least until you are old enough to handle it. LOL. My kids tease me and him for being 'old dull and boring', and I am sure they cringe at what they can see of our relationship, and swear that they will never be like that. Rest assured, moving in together will open up all sorts of opportunities for fun and games and spontaneity that you don't have now. Be happy, Sera
That makes sense about seeing things in other relationships, especially since both of our parents are divorced. That does just add to any other fears. I didn't really think about that before.
Him and I both tend to expect the worst, because that's what we're used to based on past experiences. But instead of thinking of what could go wrong, we need to start seeing that things that could get better!