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Old 05-23-2007, 09:10 PM   #1
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He of Two Girlfriends.

I need help with sorting out the issue of an unjustified allegation, please.

First, hereís the story leading up to it.

When I met the only long-term boyfriend in my life in 1999 my criteria were simply that I was looking for a reasonable person (some men whom I met in the past having been downright unreasonable.) Then he kind of grew on meÖ I adopted his interests and moved to the same part of the country as him (not that that was a hardship!) He sounded as though heíd never had anyone else since he left his second wife, and couldnít even imagine it. So I was sure heíd be faithful.

He was going to move in with me, but somehow never did. After the first few years he started to say things like: ĎDonít get too attached to me. I donít want anyone to get hurt.í Yet if you are hearing that from the only long-term partner you have ever had, it doesnít work. It is very depressing. Then he would get over it and all was well again. Still it seemed our relationship was for life. It wasnít as strong as some other relationships, but it worked for us. Ages Ė he is now 82 and Iím 63.

He was always very secretive about all aspects of his life. There were all kinds of things that I must never discuss with anyone. I privately thought this was over the top but I humoured him for the sake of a peaceful life (except when I forgot some insignificant point and he got upset about it.) This has now blown up into a massive problem.

When I first discovered about the other woman, I was determined not to torment myself with jealousy. Iíve had lots of practise at not doing that! Just so long as he didnít neglect meÖ. Then he really did start to neglect me. I was very upset, but I couldnít leave the relationship because Iíd lent him money. Heís honest, but seldom has any in the bank. With difficulty I pieced together the figures on what was owing, and we drew up a signed written agreement. Then people started to reclaim their bank charges, so, because he canít use the Internet, he turned to me for help, and I saw this as the peaceful way to enable him to settle the debt, then I could be free.

Whenever he upset me, the support of friends kept me going. If I quit the relationship without getting my money back, as they often suggested, he owes me enough money for it to rankle much worse! But just think how paranoid he is about people knowing anything about him! He used to be a good listener if anything upset me, now I wondered how I would break it to him that he was putting me in a position when I had to breach all sorts of confidences just to keep a smile on my face, while he had turned selective blind and deaf to my feelings. I hid them a lot, as I looked for peaceful answers to problems, but sometimes I felt he was taking advantage of my good nature, using me. Oh, do I need my friends! Yet, if only he had dropped the other woman, I would still have had him back.

Then Ė Just after we sent the letter demanding repayment of bank charges, the other woman (who is not computer-literate so cannot help him with his bank charges) screamed at him for coming to me for help! Maybe that caused him to have a stroke. She looked after his interests while I was housebound following a joint replacement operation. I put everything concerning the money and his other repationship on hold because is well-being came first.

Difficult, but it gets worse! He rang me up to say he was to have an operation to mend his hip, injured in the fall, and got me really worried about the risk. I couldnít wait until it was over, so I could ring up and find out he was all right!

Then the nurses passed on an extraordinary message from him. I was not to ring the hospital at all, but to make enquiries through a third party. So I rang the third party and spoke to an answering machine!

He can only have done this out of fear of the other woman finding out, so I felt as though heíd kicked me in the teeth! It was a whole week before the third party and I made contact, and even then she just emails me from time to time to say she hasnít had time to ring the hospital.

I flipped! I suddenly saw myself as a doormat with his feet being wiped on me! How could I want a relationship with someone who shows so little concern for the distress I suffered on his account! Being housebound, I have all day to hang around the house, thinking, or rather, trying not to think! Visitors seldom come, yet two arrived and found me in tears. So everything came out like the bursting of a dam and they were very concerned indeed!

Of course he thinks I can never talk about anything to do with his private life. However, under these circumstances I didnít see why I shouldnít talk to his landlady, because she and I get along like a house on fire. He found out, and sent me a stern letter about this Ďheinousí breach of trust, upsetting him while he was so ill and didnít need it! I thought: ĎStuff you! All I want is my money back!í However, in his words in the letter: ĎThe financial side will be honoured.í

However there is a further sum due to me, but I need his agreement in writing, according to the legal helpline I consulted. I do not feel like letting such a man get away with owing me money, just to rub in the pain he has caused. But first I wrote to him about the extreme worry he had caused, so that I spoke to the landlady under extenuation circumstances, and asked him for an apology.

This morning I received two letters written over a period of time, in one envelope. The first still stated that all trust between us had gone because Iíd spoken to his landlady in breach of some promise Iíd made in the days when all was well and I could humour him without hurt.

And here comes the really nasty part! The second states that he has received a letter from an unknown third party claiming some kind of liaison and apparently designed to cause upset just before he had a major operation. Apparently his daughter has checked that the address is unlikely and wants to involve the police. Maybe heís just saying that to frighten me because he thinks Iím implicated.

I discussed it with the friends who had found me in tears on the day he prevented me from contacting the hospital and found out they were responsible. I donít want the stigma of having written this, yet, my only defence is that I was driven to confide in people, and of course he regards this as a heinous breach of trust. What chance that he could ever understand that heíd pushed me until I needed to confide in someone, when all his objections to me ever speaking a word to anyone about anything seem justified!

Sorry this is long, and I hope you havenít lost track. It just seems to me that if I leave much out, the responses I receive will be less appropriate.

Oh dear! What a messy end to something that could well be the only relationship Iíll ever have!

Thank you very much.

 
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Old 05-23-2007, 10:33 PM   #2
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Re: He of Two Girlfriends.

So, the friends you confided in actually sent the man a libellous communication? And he is blaming you for it? (just to get my ducks in a row on this). This is an astounding story, Xanadu. What a strange person he turned out to be, and how patient and giving you were throughout the whole thing. It is as if he was living a secret double life with you. If it were me, I would go round telling EVERYONE all about it now, but then I am not a nice person when roused to ire. You gave this man some good years, the least you could expect was a bit of dignity and respect in the ending of it, you didn't get that. I guess all you can do is sort out the last entanglements and brush his dust off your feet. I don't know what will happen about your friends and their intervention, I suppose it was well-meant, but not really helpful in the event. He is a very unreasonable and paranoid man from your account, so I hope you can detach yourself without more pain. All the best, Sera

Last edited by Seraph; 05-23-2007 at 10:34 PM.

 
Old 05-24-2007, 11:21 AM   #3
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Re: He of Two Girlfriends.

Hi Seraph,

Thanks a lot for the answer and for your good wishes.

ďIt is as if he was living a secret double life with you.Ē It is indeed. He used to go round telling people I was a Ďprofessional friend,í just as he first insisted to me that Woman 2 was a Ďbusiness acquaintanceí. Itís not very nice when the man you are in love with canít even admit to the world that your relationship exists! I can see that he didnít want the world guessing he had two women, but apart from that Iíve never been able to see what the fuss is about.

Since this was the only long-term relationship I have ever had, I was determined to make it work. We didnít have a row although he could be very critical at times. Instead he actually said my behaviour was worse when he was really keen on me, but had improved later!

I know what you mean about not being a totally nice person. I donít see myself as perfect. I once had a perfect landlady and I heard so much about how imperfect everyone else was compared with her that Iíve been very suspicious of perfect people forever afterwards. I much prefer to be slightly imperfect, because it makes me more tolerant of the imperfections of other people. Also I think there is no situation at all that canít be resolved by polite discussion if both parties are willing.

However, if someone makes you hurt and you pretend everything is OK and attempt to stifle the pain, it does in fact get worse. If I tackled pain that way, I could go mad! So if I am not to blame, I see no reason to live with this if I can do something about it. Then I feel better. Yes, telling everyone was just what I had in mind!

On the other hand I can see that Iíve put this manís feelings and bothered about his well-being to the point where it is self-destructive. So, frankly, Iíve reached the stage where the big issue is getting my money back first. Then I can tell everyone afterwardsÖ. Until I feel healed and there no longer seems any reason for it!

I believe the letter my friends sent is not libel as such, but an invented liaison, which the New Woman would find while she handled his post. Then she was likely to go screaming mad with jealousy, which apparently rubbed off on him.

I suppose I shouldnít waste pity thinking of a poor old man lying in hospital desperately ill while deprived of the woman he loved, (if she has in fact gone.) I do feel pity, but if Iím hard-headed I think the problem is the unfortunate timing while he still owes me money.

Speaking to a solicitor the other week, it appears the signed written agreement would guarantee me payment out of his estate. (Valuable books and reclaimed bank charges, because he hasnít much else.) Iíve spoken to his accountant, who is the executor of his estate and sent him a copy of the document. If this stroke is fatal, the accountant sounds confident he can reclaim the bank charges and Iíll be repaid out of them.

If it isnít, then I have to clarify the timing with the legal helpline for going to the small claims court. The problem is that I put in a great deal of work on these bank charges and He of 2 Girlfriends said he would reimburse me for it, and my expenses. I apparently canít claim that sum through a court so need to get it in writing from him. You see the problem if heís not speaking!

Some thoughts about how things will go when Iím finally free to talk about himÖ

When he met me I lived in isolation in a depressing northern town. Thanks to him, I because known to people who travel the circuit of horse shows, and moved to the edges of Shropshire, where he and I mix with the same set of country people (who incidentally are the nicest people you could ever wish to meet.) In both cases itís a small world where everyone knows everyone else. He can only speak against me with difficulty since heís silent by nature and he might betray some of his precious secrets. I on the other hand can confide to my heartís content!

I have a file on the computer where I type the sort of thing I am likely to warn him I will be confiding, which will really spread his secrets around. Iíve pasted it below, and have had a go at editing it, because there are certain recurrent ideas, but Iíve been at it for rather a long time now, so please forgive the repetition.

I am sure he is going to tell me his new relationship is so special. That is Really Nice! The only relationship I have ever had is inferior to those experienced by other people, and my reasonable concerns have to be subjugated to the special relationship that the man who has ditched me is enjoying! Then he doesnít want to know about my obvious feelingsÖ

I want to sayÖ.

No Wonder I Need The Comfort Of Confiding In Other People!!! I could, if conversation led to it, be confiding any or all of the following. Think About It!

Does it not occur to He of 2 G that if he habitually treats a person as though she has no feelings, and ignore them when she tried to discuss them, that she will hurt? Then the logical way to stop hurting is to confide in people. I realise the person responsible for the hurt is paranoid about this. That ceases to be an overriding issue. In these circumstances seeking the emotional support of others is just human nature. If he doesnít understand human nature at the age of 82, then it appears he never will!

When Iíd first found out he was seeing Woman 2 as well as me, I was determined to be civilised, because jealously is such a horrible destructive emotion. If I met them at a show together, I chatted to her and she seemed such a nice person I was sure we would be great friends in other circumstances. Liking someone is the best way to stop yourself from hurting, but apparently he sat there squirming! (Love it!!! I said I wasnít always very Ďnice!í )

But when she found out about me, he told me she flew into rages and threw things round the room, so he apparently lived in dread of this. Then people started to reclaim their bank charges, so I can tell people he owed me money (to upset him more.) Most of the information on how to set about this is on the Internet. I can use the Net, but he canít and neither can she, so suddenly I became very popular.

We were working really hard on the issue and wrote a letter to reclaim the charges from the bank, but she realised where heíd gone and screamed at him when he came home late. I thought that if she loved him that was no way to treat him, because several thousands were at stake and she personally couldnít give him the help he was getting from me. So she lost my respect. Immediately afterward he had a stroke. I cannot be sure of this, but it seems to me that she put him under such stress that the row may have triggered it. After that I had a very low opinion of Woman 2, although Iíd liked her so much at first.

I understand that He of 2 G so thoughtlessly cut me off from any effective way of discovering whether he was alive or dead because my enquiries might just have set dear Woman 2 into a jealous rage! If he thinks a third party had time to enquire after him, as he expected, he is totally mistaken! I had few emails and she will verify that there have been no phone calls. She is much too busy!

He of 2 G made it plain that if I had shouted at him as Ex-Wife used to, he wouldnít have stood for it. Yet he tolerates shouting now from Woman 2. So what future does his relationship with her have when the infatuation has worn off?

Three weeks with no word whatsoever of whether he was alive or dead! The distress he was causing me totally exonerated my need to discuss it with others as a natural consequence! I knew I couldnít handle this any more. Up to that moment if he had parted from Woman 2 I would have had him back, but I really do not want someone with so little concern for my feelings!

Think About It!!!! What do I need to confide to the friends who help me to recover!!!! And how many friends are there? Think About It!!!!

I now know the consequences of talking can be greater than you foresee, but I am not acting or talking out of malice. Itís just that talking helps me to feel better about the situation and I donít know how I would come through it without support. So the risk of unexpected letters has to be takenÖ

Iíll tell him Ö.When thinking, please remember I believed we both had a relationship for life. The only Ďreasoní he could give for its decline was that some years ago I spent five minutes walking across a field with a friend. (How can He of 2 G feel so terrible about that, yet expect me not to care when he become utterly infatuated with Woman 2?) In other words he had no reason. He is seen to be just a philanderer with the seven-year itch!

I met him about a year after he parted with Ex-Wife, and he was so keen on me I was convinced we had a relationship for life. He of 2 G quit Yorkshire for fear of what Ex-Wifeís friends were saying when she was hurt, didnít he? Just think, I have friends in Worcestershire as well as Shropshire!

Worcestershire is not a long way to run from Shropshire, is it?

It appears that He of 2 G, who fled from the tongue-lashings inflicted by his last wife, treated the feelings of Woman 1 with such disregard because he is now in fear of his new light-of-loveís temper! (When his infatuation with her has cooled, what a formula for a Ďhappyí relationship! )

 
Old 05-24-2007, 11:23 AM   #4
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Re: He of Two Girlfriends.

A few more thoughtsÖsorry if itís repetitive, because Iíve sat over it so long I canít think straight any moreÖ. The system told me my previous post was too long. I guess you understand how this is all pouring out because I've had to suppress it too much...

Since H of 2G became infatuated with Woman 2, he has decided that Woman 1 is there when he wants her, but otherwise she has no inconvenient feelings. Woman 1 is therefore expected to endure this unacknowledged pain in silence. The strain put on her when she canít even discover his state of health is unbearable, however H of 2Gís interests must always come first at all times!

Only a doormat behaves in this fashion!

If he causes people such distress, or blames them for breaching confidentiality under such extreme circumstances, he has to understand that there are further consequences, as followsÖ

Nothing He of 2 G can say about the gravity of departing from vows of secrecy binds me to silence once he has chosen to end a relationship. Nothing! He of 2 G needs to realise that people deal with emotional pain by seeking the comfort and support of friends far and wide.

He of 2 G could have foreseen this and treated me more kindly. I used to wonder how I could warn him about this, but in his obsession with his new fancy piece, he chose to ignore the pain he inflicted on the one woman who never raised her voice to him. Has that caused him to confuse me with a doormat?

Healthy red-blooded people know that pain born alone is twice as bad, but there is an easy remedy. Confide in someone else! Comfort and support works wonders, so it is normal human nature! This is the way of the world! Woman 1 is not a special exception!

Regrettably H of 2G is paranoid about any discussion whatsoever involving himself! So why has he chosen to put someone else in the position where confidentiality must take second place? Why did he never see it coming? Why indeed? Then he could have thought harder about Woman 1ís true feelings and spared himself a future problem! IĎd put up with the situation because he owed me money. But I still wanted to find out how he had come though his operation and the only way I could think was to speak to his landlady. Yet when he found out about this, he considered this to be a most heinous sin on my part! I have the letter he wrote to me about this, even though it is so dreadful I canít bear to look at it.

Woman 1 reserves the right to exercise her sole judgement and discretion in choosing both her confidants and the level of disclosure necessary to alleviate the pain he has caused. This is widely acknowledged to be reasonable conduct for a woman confronted by the ending of any relationship, still less the only one she ever had. Her motive is clearly stated to be seeking emotional support and not revenge. H of 2G chose the situation; she didnít!

I want to end a letter to him like this:

Think About It! ĎAs you sow, so will you reap!í

 
Old 05-25-2007, 04:02 AM   #5
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Re: He of Two Girlfriends.

It sounds like H of 2G has two sets of brains to deal with his relationships. He has got you and the other woman in two different compartments and actually believes that they can be kept mutually exclusive. Like I said, a double life. This is verging on the pathological, IMO. I agree that at this point getting your money sorted out and back to you is the priority. Then write a book about the whole thing, thinly disguised as fiction. At least you have your home, it sounds absolutely idyllic, and very soothing to the spirit. That is one thing about baing on your own, you can control the energy in your surroundings and keep it just for you. Looking forward to the next instalment, Cheers, Sera

 
Old 05-25-2007, 06:03 AM   #6
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Re: He of Two Girlfriends.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
It sounds like H of 2G has two sets of brains to deal with his relationships. He has got you and the other woman in two different compartments and actually believes that they can be kept mutually exclusive. Like I said, a double life. This is verging on the pathological, IMO. I agree that at this point getting your money sorted out and back to you is the priority. Then write a book about the whole thing, thinly disguised as fiction. At least you have your home, it sounds absolutely idyllic, and very soothing to the spirit. That is one thing about baing on your own, you can control the energy in your surroundings and keep it just for you. Looking forward to the next instalment, Cheers, Sera
Well, Sera, you really took the words out of my mouth! I don't know if that's the way you say it in English, but really I was about to ask our friend here - Xanadu2 - where she did stand in relation to books, etc, because I sort of noticed a literary aptitude and sensibility in her writing. I would strongly recommend her to start writing fiction or her memoir or whatever, not only because she has an interesting background to share and needs to bring it to the fore, but also because she has a very special way with writing.

Now, what else comes to my mind here is the old lesson: love and money rarely go together well. I am not sure if this is a sweeping generalization, but I would support the view that individuals should not lend money, and in particular not to people they know or have a close relationship with. When an individual lends money, he or she becomes a usurer, willy-nilly. Who loves usurers? If you need money, go to a Bank, not to a friend, because in the long run he may lose you and you may lose him as a friend. It is wiser to give money to a friend than to lend it. When you give, you let it go. But when you lend, you want it back with an addition.

Xanadu, I feel for you. I am sorry for your disappointment with this man. I don't think he deserves you. My impression is that he puts himself much above you. He has taken advantage of your sensibility and kindness. Drop him. Try to get your money back, or at least a part of it. But don't expect anything else from him. I hope you are not badly in need of that money, because anyway your peace of mind is much more important than that loan.

And, if I may add something... I know you are hurt and may not want another relationship soon. But don't say "never again". Just be stronger and don't let anyone abuse you. And please, next time around, be with someone younger or at least of your age, and especially with someone who doesn't keep a hidden agenda. Just my thoughts.

 
Old 05-25-2007, 08:30 AM   #7
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Re: He of Two Girlfriends.

Xanadu, I'm sorry you had such a bad experience with this guy. Trust me, I really do know just how hard it is to get over it when someone you really loved and trusted did you wrong. Is there any way you can take him to small claims court to get your money back? I wouldn't even bother talking with him directly anymore. He's not a good person, and he will never feel obligated to do right by you. Even though I know you want him to. what is it about the female psyche that makes it so hard to accept that we gave our heart to the wrong jerk? I like the book idea, though!! I was a writer in college and I've been toying with the same idea. You just want to let them know, "hey this is exactly what you did to me!!" and show the whole world in front of him so he can hear the rest of the world say "man, what a jerk!!" I guess that's only natural, or Jerry Springer and Maury Povich wouldn't be so popular. We love that moment when the cad comes out and the audience boos and hisses and the sweet innocent girl he wronged is on stage, enjoying the fact that the world now knows what a jerk he was to her. We just want him to know how big a jerk he was, we want him to feel ashamed, and we want an apology. What to do if we never get it, though? I've been told by many people here and elsewhere that you have to move on even without an apology. I still haven't figured out how to do that, so if you find out, please be sure to let me know!! It's proven very very difficult for me not to take it so personally that many aspects of my self esteem, self image and sense of self worth have greatly suffered. Because my ex went on to have a happy marriage with a perfeclty nice lady, albeit a trifle bit harpie by accounts, the fact that he went on to be happy and I'm still pathetic, alone and miserable, leads me to believe that I must have deserved the abuse he treated me with, and that I am indeed unworthy and undeserving of love. Kind of makes it hard to really get the most out of life when that's how you feel about yourself.

But in the meantime, yes, I'd go small claims court to get the financial issues settled, don't deal with him directly anymore, and don't waste any more energy on letters or trying to make him know how badly he hurt you. As much as it hurts to have to face, it won't affect him. If he cared that much, he wouldn't have done it in the first place. The bottom line is, it's a freak show out there. Like Liza Minneli said in Arther, "you know why girls marry so badly? Because there are so many girls, and so few princes." Most single men over a certain age are single because they're creepy freakazoids. That's just the way it is. Be glad you got away from him when you did, chalk it up to lessons learned, and enjoy your wonderful single life!!

 
Old 05-26-2007, 07:23 AM   #8
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Re: He of Two Girlfriends.

[QUOTE=pendulum;3004487]Try to get your money back, or at least a part of it. But don't expect anything else from him. I hope you are not badly in need of that money, because anyway your peace of mind is much more important than that loan.
/QUOTE]

Thank you all for such thoughtful responses.

I’m going to have a lot more peace of mind if I do get the money back, because if I don’t, it will be hard to stop it rankling. Also, as soon as I get it, I’ll feel free of present constraints.

‘Take him to the small claims court!’ is advice with which I am thoroughly familiar, because I hear it often, so I have discussed it with solicitors, at as much length as possible. (bearing in mind their very high fees!) The upshot is that it works very much better if the person you are suing has money in the bank! If they haven’t, you are talking about small repayments, received over some period of time, with the possibility of sending the bailiffs in. The advice of the solicitor is that it is much easier if He of 2 G can reclaim his bank charges, so I need to know when this happens, if possible.

Also not all the money was a loan. (Yes, I take the advice about loans, and I am so careful that I never anticipated being in this situation.) Some is money that he has promised me for helping with the books he has written, and I don’t want to forgo it. That accounts for the first sum outstanding, for which I have a signed written agreement. (The solicitor congratulated me for getting that, but I only achieved it by staying friendly and putting up with bad stuff!)

The second sum is money that He of 2 G promised me he would pay me for the long hard work I put in on his bank charges. It adds up to about £200, and I don’t have a big income, so I could do with it, but the solicitor said I have no chance unless I get a signed agreement on that too.

I was feeling aggrieved that the issue of the unfortunate letter had spoiled my chances of discovering when the bank repays him and getting the second agreement in writing, by causing a breakdown of the relationship.

Yesterday things took a turn for the better. I hadn’t yet sent him a reaction to the bad news about the unfortunate letter because I was weighing my options. Then I received a second letter from him. He now believes that the letter that caused the trouble was nothing to do with me, and has asked me to forgive him for making a false accusation.

Time and again he has said that no matter what the state of our personal relationship, he would honour the agreement regarding money, and, no matter what he has done to me, I have no reason to disbelieve this promise (although I do wonder if it could slip down his list of priorities.)

So I thought, if I send him a letter of forgiveness, we are back on speaking terms regarding money, and I have a much better chance of getting it all! (sigh of relief!) He should have received it this morning, with a get-well card.

Since I’ve got myself involved in a number of other discussions, and don’t like to sit too long at the computer, I cannot post all my thoughts on this thread straight away, although I would like to do so.

Thank you all again for your thoughtful responses.

Last edited by xanadu2; 05-26-2007 at 07:25 AM. Reason: I'm trying to get the quote fuction right.

 
Old 05-26-2007, 08:12 AM   #9
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Re: He of Two Girlfriends.

Well, yes, I am under the impression that he won't break his word and will pay you what he owes you. Or at least he will try to. He is an old man, not entirely healthy (if I understand it), aware that he has not many years left ahead of himself... so why would he want to do you dirt and sully his own name before "leaving"? This is the way I see it.

Good luck and may you soon have your peace of mind back!

 
Old 05-26-2007, 10:03 AM   #10
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Re: He of Two Girlfriends.

Thank you, Pendulum!

My best friend is prone to making gloomy noises on this subject, which is hard when I 'm trying not to worry, so I've had to ask her not to talk about possibilities as though they were certainties.

More later, but I'd like to get out in the garden.

 
Old 05-26-2007, 05:12 PM   #11
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Re: He of Two Girlfriends.

Hello Folks,

I described the money situation earlier today. Hereís a set of mixed responses to the emotional aspects of the last few posts. Iím sorry I always have problems with doing a lot of quotes on a message board.

<the fact that he went on to be happy and I'm still pathetic, alone and miserable, leads me to believe that I must have deserved the abuse he treated me with, and that I am indeed unworthy and undeserving of love. Kind of makes it hard to really get the most out of life when that's how you feel about yourself.>

Yes, it does make it hard, but I doubt very much that it is true. Why, for example, is the jerk who abused me in the past married, when I am not? Somehow Iíve learnt to base self-esteem on the things Iím good at, not on the things Iím bad at.

<you have to move on even without an apology. I still haven't figured out how to do that, so if you find out, please be sure to let me know!!>

I saw the phrase Ďmove oní and thought ĎOoh-err!í That was the bad phrase when I was trying to recover from trauma in the past. What did people think I was trying to do? However, the next sentence put it in context! My best way of moving on is to stand up for myself, not aggressively, but in ways that can be assertive yet subtle. Hopefully they set me laughing, and then Iíve made it! But it can be difficult in a society that expects women to behave like doormats, blotting out every inappropriate thought without doing any visible thing to overcome it.

<Most single men over a certain age are single because they're creepy freakazoids. That's just the way it is. Be glad you got away from him when you did, chalk it up to lessons learned, and enjoy your wonderful single life!!>

I used to think they were, but then Iím not a creepy freakazoid, and I donít know why this should be an exclusive male characteristic. This guy has been married twice. I guess any chance I have is with a divorced man.

<don't deal with him directly anymore, and don't waste any more energy on letters or trying to make him know how badly he hurt you. As much as it hurts to have to face, it won't affect him. If he cared that much, he wouldn't have done it in the first place.>

I have to deal with him to get my money, as Iíve explained. Itís funny how time and again my friends here have not understood the bit about hanging around to get the agreement on the money signed. Probably because only I know what it was like working on the figures to reach a mutually acceptable sum, and how vital a role communication played when I was left with some mystery sums and we discussed them in an atmosphere of total honesty.

Re the other letters, which I posted in some detail the other day, I already know very well that from his point of view I ceased to have feelings the moment he lost interest in me. The point is that I know his weak spot.

I seem to recollect that his landlady once said: ĎHow are you and E getting along?í and I answered: ĎVery well, thank you,í or something as innocent as that, and he was mad that Iíd discussed it. Right now heís mad that I spoke to her when I only wanted to enquire after his health. (Heís got a surprise coming, because she and I are the best of friends, so I could still turn up where he lives!) Once, when he turned up at an event with the Other Woman, a mutual friend asked me who she was, and when E found out, he was livid with the other guy even though Iíd given a discreet answer that he couldnít fault.

So in the future when our mutual friends enquire after E, Iíll have to tell them that weíve parted. So they ask why? I donít have any problem with telling them that He of the Two Girlfriends turned out to be a philanderer with the seven-year itch! Iíll probably use those exact words because they sum everything up so briefly, and he will have One Huge Problem with it!!!! (and Iíll laugh! )

The hardest part is expecting him to see that if women are hurt in a relationship, they are driven to confide because it makes them feel better, and donít meekly suffer in silence to humour the man who caused the pain unless they expect to be beaten. (Thatís one good thing about him. I am absolutely confident he would never hit me! How many women canít say that about a difficult man?)

<I was about to ask our friend here - Xanadu2 - where she did stand in relation to books, etc, because I sort of noticed a literary aptitude and sensibility in her writing. I would strongly recommend her to start writing fiction or her memoir or whatever, not only because she has an interesting background to share and needs to bring it to the fore, but also because she has a very special way with writing. >

Youíve guessed it Ė I am a trained writer. I actually write reports of horse shows for publication, because that earns me a lovely free press pass, with perks, every time I want a good outing in the summer. He of 2 G F has been doing this for years and got me into it, and during the last few years I have made headway.

Having learned to write, I now canít write a post for the Internet without making words work for me. However, learning this skill was very difficult because creative writing classes can be very destructive. I tried the book idea over 25 years ago, and actually was very unhappy with it. It involved turning my back on life to rehash all sorts of bad stuff very painfully, which actually resolved nothing at all! Then I couldnít find a publisher!

He of 2 G F has written about 30 books, and says it is something you should never undertake unless you already have a contract. With my past experience, Iím sure heís right. I vowed I would never write again, but now find that if I feel certain of finishing in an hour or two, know for certain that what Iíve written will be read, and avoid sitting too long at a computer, I can get some satisfaction out of it. But I do love to have plenty of computer-free days!

< Xanadu, I feel for you. I am sorry for your disappointment with this man. I don't think he deserves you.>

Thank you! Iíll be glad to drop him once heís paid what he owes. Then I can focus on the good stuff in life. There is only one thing. My life was transformed when I moved here nearly four years ago. And whose idea was that? His!

If I lived where I was before and thought of him and the other woman enjoying a lifestyle from which I felt excluded, it would be so much worse. But, whether he likes it or not, Iím here to stay!

< I know you are hurt and may not want another relationship soon. But don't say "never again". Just be stronger and don't let anyone abuse you. And please, next time around, be with someone younger or at least of your age, and especially with someone who doesn't keep a hidden agenda.>

No money involved means no need to hang around when I want to get out! But you donít know about the hidden agenda in advance!

I did say Ďnever againí a long time ago, but what I probably meant was Ďfive yearsí restí. However Ďfriendsí jumped down my throat and screeched at me, turning the whole thing into a much bigger epic than it need have been! And then, guess what! No man with a proper interest in me came near me for the next 18 years!

I donít like the thought of the only long-term relationship of my life having such a bad end, so Iím open to the idea of another relationship. However, with my inability to attract men except as a friend, it is quite possible it will never happen. That is why I took up with a man so much older than myself. He was the only one around when I needed someone.

Whew, that was long! Thank you for reading this far!

 
Old 05-27-2007, 03:22 AM   #12
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Re: He of Two Girlfriends.

<No money involved means no need to hang around when I want to get out! But you donít know about the hidden agenda in advance!> quoting Xanadu2.

That's right. But since he was such a secretive kind of person, a red flag might have been in view here. Anyway, my opinion is that as you age, you need secrets less and less in your life. Ok, this is bad English, but I hope you get the picture. After a certain age, secrets are just a burden to your life. As you age, your life should gradually become an open book. It may never reach that point, but I think that is the ideal direction.

Summing up, a very secretive old person is someone I would avoid.

 
Old 05-28-2007, 06:30 AM   #13
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Re: He of Two Girlfriends.

[QUOTE=pendulum;3007799Anyway, my opinion is that as you age, you need secrets less and less in your life.

Summing up, a very secretive old person is someone I would avoid.[/QUOTE]

Thanks. Actually I donít remember him being secretive at the start of the relationship. He just talked less than me, because it seems to me that thatís just the way a lot of men are. He was really keen on me at the outset, though after some years I realised his interest had waned to a degree.

He always rang me up every evening, and asked me about my day. I began to notice time and again that Iíd told him all about my day, but heíd said next to nothing about his own. It seemed to me that, because Iím retired and financially secure, I can please myself how I spend my time, but he always had to work, writing and selling books, because he never has enough money. So I assumed at first that he simply had less to tell me about.

That means that, with hindsight, I know more or less when he started taking an interest in the other woman, but he showed no sign of secrecy when the relationship began. Afterwards it would have been difficult to let go, because I didnít want to lose the only long-term relationship Iíd ever had, and, no matter how dreadful he seems now, he was so much better than the men who had briefly shown some sort of interest in me in the past.

So I still donít know how I can avoid getting entangled with a secretive old person if the situation develops so gradually.

 
Old 05-30-2007, 12:19 PM   #14
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Re: He of Two Girlfriends.

He of Two Girlfriends is out of hospital. I thought I better ring up and see how heís doing. (it doesnít look very good to be just after money!) He says heís not doing very well, but he could only speak for a moment.

I was hating the thought of finding him in a bad mood because I havenít had a very good day. Itís been overcast and Iím short of company because all but one of the friends who are so pleased to see me when Iím out and about donít make the effort to visit me. Talking to people in this forum helps, because I meet such lovely people here.

 
Old 05-31-2007, 10:20 AM   #15
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Re: He of Two Girlfriends.

Xanadu - I'm just shocked that a man of 82 would still be a "player"
He's got a woman almost 20 yrs younger (you), and he's out fooling around?
You don't need the aggrivation.....so what if he was your only long term relationship.....that doesn't mean you have to settle for being treated like that. You've proven yourself self-sufficient....you aren't trapped in a relationship because you're dependent (like so many women).......you don't need a man and you certainly don't need an 82 year old BOY.

 
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