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Old 05-25-2007, 08:41 AM   #1
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My unconventional view of marriage; do you think it could cause problems?

Hi people. I don’t have any drama going on at the moment (thank God!) I’m just wondering what people think of my view of marriage, I’m trying to gauge how unusual it is in peoples perceptions, and whether people think it’d likely cause problems down the line.

I think that with the way that society has morphed and changed in relation to families and marriage, marriage is having less and less to do with the forming of a successful family these days. When I marry (and I intend to do that before too long, perhaps in the next couple of years) it’ll be about me and my husband and nothing to do with kids. I view marriage as an expression of love and commitment between two people, and as far as kids are concerned, I know I can make as good a job of mothering as my bf’s partner as I would do as his wife. Also (and here’s the controversial point) I see no need for a husband and wife to live together. In fact, especially in the absence of children, I think it’d keep the relationship fresher, healthier and more alive if they expressly did not live together.

Some come on people; views??

Last edited by Laylah; 05-25-2007 at 08:42 AM.

 
Old 05-25-2007, 09:11 AM   #2
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Re: My unconventional view of marriage; do you think it could cause problems?

I think the most important thing is how your potential husband feels about your view of marriage. If you both feel the same way and are committed to making it work then it doesn't matter how other's view it IMHO.

Think of all the different marriages there are out there. Think of how many divorces there are in return. I think there are times when people worry too much about what is the norm rather than doing what makes it work for them. Look at swingers for example. Most people don't approve and call it unconventional but it works for those involved. What is good for one couple isn't always good for another.

When my husband and I first got married we lived apart for about 3 months (not because we wanted to but it just worked out easier that way). I can't even tell you how many of my family members made comments to me like they had a right to judge my marriage or something. It was very frustrating to listen to them and they finally all got the "shut up and mind your own business treatment" (only nicer because they are family). I also reminded a few of them that based on their relationships they were in no position to judge others.

But honestly, you need to do what works for you and your potential husband. If the two of you are on the same page it really shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks. It's not their life and it's not their marriage.

 
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Old 05-25-2007, 09:22 AM   #3
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Re: My unconventional view of marriage; do you think it could cause problems?

Hi Laylah

No Drama lol

Actually, although it sounds strange, I would bet that if an experiment was done, where 50 newly married couples lived together and 50 apart, I bet that if you came back to those couples 10 years later, there would probably be more couples still together and happy out of the 50 percent living apart.

Although that is not the norm, and may be looked at stangely, but sometimes a bit of distance can keeps things more exziting, it stops the taking each other for granted etc etc and you can look forward to your quality time together.

Anyway Laylah although I don't think I could do it, I can definitely see why someone would consider it, and can see the benefits.

Last edited by brook65; 05-25-2007 at 09:23 AM.

 
Old 05-25-2007, 10:29 AM   #4
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Re: My unconventional view of marriage; do you think it could cause problems?

Hm, unconventional, sure, but like happymom said, as long as the two people involved agree - hey that's your call!

I can't imagine doing that, personally, I really enjoy the sharing of space with my husband and pretty much everything that comes with it. Not to mention the increase in bills to have seperate living space is kind of silly... unless the financial implications are worth what you think might be a 'marriage keeping' must-have. IN which point I guess it would be worth it?

It might be a bit confusing for most kids, but with stepchildren, who knows, most kids adapt to whatever goes down, regardless of whether or not it's the norm anyway!

I appreciate my alone time as much as anyone else, really, which is why it's so great my husband loves biking - at least 4 - 5 days out of the week after work I have a solid 3 hours to myself to do whatever and he takes his boys trips, me and my girls do stuff - it's still nice to come home every night and watch our movies, snuggle, catch up, and go to bed and wake up together.

Whatever floats your boat, just make sure your hubby to be agrees I think if my husband told me he wanted us to have seperate living space I'd be offended >_<

 
Old 05-25-2007, 10:39 AM   #5
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Re: My unconventional view of marriage; do you think it could cause problems?

So why even get married...why do you feel like you need a marriage if you don't even want to live with them? Just curious?
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Old 05-25-2007, 10:59 AM   #6
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Re: My unconventional view of marriage; do you think it could cause problems?

Hey Laylah - that certainly is a rather unconventional view of marriage!! Cybill Shepard did not live with her husband, they lived next door to each other in separate houses, but actually she just stayed married to him just long enough for her twins to be born and have his name, then after they were a few months to a year old, she divorced him, But she said once in an interview, talking about her working relationship with Bruce Willis when they were doing Moonlighting, she said "working together like we do is like being in a marriage in the sense that you HAVE to be with that person all day, you HAVE to see that person....(pause, as if to think), boy that was a really revealing thing I just said about marriage, wasn't is? you HAVE to be with that person....." I don't think she really ever wanted to married to anyone. If you don't want to be married, then why marry? i don't really understand why you'd want the expense and the inconvenience of keeping up two households. I mean, to me, the whole reason you GET married is to have someone to come home to, to talk to over dinner, to share your life with, someone to help you kick the washing machine when it acts up, someone to help you wash the dishes, cuddle up to every night, someone to help carry in the groceries, someone to sit on the couch and watch tv with, without one of you having to keep one eye on the clock because it's getting late and one of you has to be getting home. If you don't want that, then I really don't see the point in getting married at all. There's a level of intimacy there that simply cannot be reached if you don't live together. Is that what you're worried about? Do you think you might have an issue with really close emotional intimacy?

 
Old 05-25-2007, 11:31 AM   #7
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Re: My unconventional view of marriage; do you think it could cause problems?

I can see a time when marriage becomes a contract entered into for child-rearing. For example, a couple commits to be legal partners in the raising of children and this can be set up for 20 years. This way they may or may not remain romantic partners, but that child is still legally the responsibility of the two of them. Custody issues are written into the contract at the beginning. This would rule out most of the harm that a hostile divorce will do to a child. This is only the civil side of it, the religious thing is up to the parties involved.
As to the living together part of it, that is totally up to the couple, and may probably make many marriages last longer than they would have if two singular individuals are forced to share their space.

 
Old 05-25-2007, 11:39 AM   #8
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Re: My unconventional view of marriage; do you think it could cause problems?

Doesn't that kind of defeat the definition of a marriage, in the standard aspect, being that it's the sharing of two lives? It's not really sharing when you keep his and hers everything ... may as well just date. The term I guess isn't as important to some people - which is definitely true more and more each year, to a lot of people I guess marriage really is just medical rights, a name, a tax break, or as commonly referred to 'just a piece of paper'.

I guess it's hard to switch my thinking on that. But if I didn't feel a strong desire to actually share my life (including my living space) with someone I probably wouldn't feel a strong enough urge to bother marrying them or frankly staying with them lol. But like I said, wouldn't judge people who don't feel that way, lots of people live life differently than I do and are perfectly happy

 
Old 05-25-2007, 03:21 PM   #9
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Re: My unconventional view of marriage; do you think it could cause problems?

Laylah, is that what you REALLY want? I don't think so? Correct me if I am wrong. But deep down I dont think you would like that, or want it.
Is it because maybe your boyfriend is scared? and youre trying to make do with the situation as best as possible? I dont know! Its hard to describe. I find it difficult why people, especially you (i love you here on these boards) would look to living apart to your husband....i mean, i understand the benefits...but....would you really want that? deep down?

 
Old 05-25-2007, 03:30 PM   #10
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Re: My unconventional view of marriage; do you think it could cause problems?

I see nothing wrong with that at all. But then, I like to have my space. I hate sharing beds with people. Especially when the person tries to wrap their arm around me. I can't sleep like that. I can't stand to listen to anyone snore. I'd love to live by myself forever and ever. In fact, I'd take it a step further. I'd get married and then only want to see my SO three or four days a week.

But maybe I just have this veiwpoint because I don't like my boyfriend. *LOL* Maybe it'd be different if I was with somehow I really liked? I don't know. I really like having my own space. So I think your veiw has a lot of merit.
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Old 05-25-2007, 05:15 PM   #11
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Re: My unconventional view of marriage; do you think it could cause problems?

Nothing says you have to ever get married...honestly, marriage isn't for everyone.
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Old 05-25-2007, 05:26 PM   #12
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Re: My unconventional view of marriage; do you think it could cause problems?

hey, im right on board with you!! I've always said my "ideal marriage" (if i even ended up getting married, i really have no intentions to marry), but my ideal marriage would involve me living in my house and the guy living down the street in his own house!! i like my space, coming home to peace and quiet and being able to relax without anyone around, i cannot imagine coming home and someone being there all the time, that would drive me crazy. i think i could live with the guy being down the street, close enough that i could see him if i want, but definitely not in the same building!

 
Old 05-25-2007, 07:05 PM   #13
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Re: My unconventional view of marriage; do you think it could cause problems?

I would have to say that is very unlike the norm. But if you tell your bf that ahead of time and not spring it on him after 6months into the relationship and he feels the same then fine. I feel that if you are not going to live together then dont marry at all. Marriage if for making a family unit. Mom dad and kids. Of course some couples dont have kids and that is fine but at least they have made a life with the one they love and that commitment means they will share and can trust one another. I think that if you cant live with someone then just keep dating. No harm it that either.

 
Old 05-26-2007, 10:00 AM   #14
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Re: My unconventional view of marriage; do you think it could cause problems?

I think its all just about finding someone who agrees with the type of marriage you are looking for. If the guy wants to live together/be together all the time and the woman doesnt, that WONT work!

 
Old 05-26-2007, 02:07 PM   #15
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Re: My unconventional view of marriage; do you think it could cause problems?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Laylah View Post
Also (and here’s the controversial point) I see no need for a husband and wife to live together. In fact, especially in the absence of children, I think it’d keep the relationship fresher, healthier and more alive if they expressly did not live together.

Some come on people; views??
I've never been married and am not likely to be (see my thread about being a long-term single) but I think it sounds excellent. You are always pleased to see each other, but not around long enough to get on each other's nerves.

I was pleased to have a relationship like this with my one and only long-term boyfriend (but of course it did suit Him of Two Girl Friends, because it was easier for him to lead his double life!) However, it didn't lead to me wanting a double life.

The other thought this leads to is about house ownership. Young people may need to live under one roof, because two salaries make it easier to afford a mortgage. If however you are older, and have somehow or other acquired a house of your own that you love, you contemplate the current cost of houses, knowing that you could never under any circumstances buy another.

So if you are both under the same roof, then you divorce, and neither partner is wealthy enough for a divorce settlement to provide both parties with houses, you can end up without enough money to buy another house. My present home is the best I've ever had, and that means I'm not going to risk losing it! After all, the divorce statistics are so high that the risk appears real.

 
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