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Old 05-28-2007, 07:41 AM   #1
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Unhappy Worried my Fiance only wants to marry me to have his children?

Hi, I have met a truely wonderful man. He is caring, kind, loving, patient, everthing I had always hoped to find in a partner. We met online and it was instant love at first sight. We have been comunicating with each other by email, text and phone calls now for about 5 months and we are now on the subject of Marriage.

He has told me that I am the girl for him and that he wants me to be his wife. Needless to say I am thrilled as he is giving up his appartment and job just to move up to the town where I live so that I may be able to stay close to my family who are invalids and I am their carer. No man has ever sacrificed anything for me before and I truely feel that he is the one for me, my soulmate and true love.

We both want to get married sometime this year and have children. But my concern is that I want to wait until we are married for at least a year or two before becoming pregnant, while my Fiance, although is willing to wait would really prefer if I get pregnant as soon as possible. I love children dearly and long to have them also, but I dont know how to explain this but somehow I just get a nagging feeling inside of me that he really only wants me to bear his children.? I'm a little worried and scared that if I dont or cant have children ( I have servier back problems) that he wont love me anymore and divorce me to marry someone else who will/can give him children.

He hasnt said anything about this and I havent mentioned it to him yet, and wonder if I should ask him about it or am I just making a mountain out of a molehole.?

I have been hurted many times in my life from past boyfriends and really lost my trust in men. Then my finance came along and has really worked hard to earn my trust in him. I know he loves me deeply as he tells me that all the time and tells me he can not wait to spend the rest of his life with me loving me and taking care of me. I'm just worried about this issue with children. Should I ask him up front that if I cant have them for phsyical reasons or decide not to have children at all, will he still want me.? Or should I just stay quiet and let things work out for themselves.?

I have never been lucky at love, and I truely feel that this man is meant for me in everyway, which is why I hate it that this feeling is nagging at me. I am in my early 30's and he is in his late 30's.

Thank you for all you help and advice.

 
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Old 05-28-2007, 07:54 AM   #2
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Re: Worried my Fiance only wants to marry me to have his children?

I agree with you that you should wait a while to have children. It seems from your post that you have an intimate relationship which is mostly online, texting and phone. Living together is very different. Sounds like you two have the chemistry and desire to make a marriage work but you should really enjoy time together bonding as a couple before having children. At your ages, a year or 2 is all you need.

Don't start worring about your ability to get pregnant now. Many couples deal with this if they do have problems, if you need medical help, get it.

Last edited by matter of time; 05-28-2007 at 07:59 AM.

 
Old 05-28-2007, 07:55 AM   #3
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Re: Worried my Fiance only wants to marry me to have his children?

have you ever met in person?

Five months is a short time to be considering marriage, even with someone who you spend a lot of time with in person. His gesture of moving near where you live is wonderful, but don't get caught up in something until you have had the opportunity to spend a great deal of time with him in person. I strongly recommend that he move into a separate residence, and you see how that goes for awhile before you agree to get married.

I think that the internet is wonderful, it allows us to connect with people who we might not otherwise have found. I should know, I will be marrying the love of my life next month, who I met on an online dating site. But, you cannot truly get to know a person unless you are face to face with them. He may say all the most wonderful things that you want to hear, but unless you can hear his voice and see his facial expressions, how do you know what the true feelings are behind the words? How do you know if there will be that chemistry between you? How do you know if you will be attracted to the way he carries himself, speaks, looks, his daily habits, routines, quirks?

You say that you get a nagging feeling that he only wants to marry you so that you can bear his children. What gives you this feeling? If you are getting this impression through only email and phone correspondence, I'm guessing that it would be much stronger in person.

Please don't think that having to care for a handicapped family member should exclude you from having a meaningful relationship. You are entitled to find someone that you truly love and who truly loves you. There are services that will come during the days or nights to help care for handicapped people, often times these agencies are covered by health insurance or in other ways. Don't feel trapped by that, you have a whole life ahead of you not to be dedicated solely to caring for your family. I'm sure they would want you to find happiness, even if it meant having a nurse at their bedside for part of the day.

 
Old 05-28-2007, 08:31 AM   #4
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Re: Worried my Fiance only wants to marry me to have his children?

There are two things to consider here. By reading your post I can see why he wants to have children right away, being in his late 30's, he probably wants to have a family right away. Although, having children changes the makeup of your relationship, and it's very important that you have a strong relationship with this man before the children. I know your worried about not being able to have children, this should definitely be discussed, most men assume women can have children, some are ok with that, others can't deal, so please if you are concerned discuss it. You should be able to discuss anything with this man especially if you are marrying him.

The other point of concern, is he is leaving his home, his job. Does he have something lined up by your home town or is he planning on moving in on you? At 5 months what do you really know about this man, did you meet his family, I'm not trying to be skeptical here, but I am concerned about why the relationship is moving so fast.

Always, always, trust your gut!!!!!!

 
Old 05-28-2007, 08:42 AM   #5
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Re: Worried my Fiance only wants to marry me to have his children?

I would also like to know whether you have met in person yet. Because talking via email and phone for 5 months and never meeting yet is really not a way to get to know someone before getting married. I really hope you have met him at least once and you're sure about this. If you haven't even met him yet then you're totally jumping the gun and shouldn't be talking about marriage and kids at ALL yet!

 
Old 05-28-2007, 12:36 PM   #6
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Re: Worried my Fiance only wants to marry me to have his children?

Wanting to know whether or not you met in person was the first question I had too. The bulk (if not all) of your relationship has been via technology. You may think that you really know him and that he is the one for you, but the truth is you really don't know him that well. You have been together for only 5 months which is too soon to tell no matter what the dynamic of your relationship is.

I would suggest that if he is moving to where you are that he get his own place and you date for a while and really get to know eachother. The fact that he is so ready to drop his whole life to live with and marry you seems a little strange to me. It would raise some major red flags. If he doesn't agree to these terms (or something of the like) I think you will have a pretty good idea of what he is up to. It may not be him only wanting to marry you to have children. There could be so many reasons he is in such a hurry! Bottom line, you need to get to know him better and he shouldn't be opposed to that.

If your gut is telling you something you should listen to it. IMO something doesn't seem right.

 
Old 05-28-2007, 05:49 PM   #7
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Re: Worried my Fiance only wants to marry me to have his children?

Yes like the others i'd like to know "have you actually meet him yet"
ITs one thing communicating online and txts and phone calls but in person and living together is very much different. I'd take this one a bit slower and take a step back a little.

 
Old 05-28-2007, 08:07 PM   #8
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Re: Worried my Fiance only wants to marry me to have his children?

This discussion here is academic at this point. Presumably you would iron out all these issues on the way to the altar. Children and when to havethem, how many etc are all things that most couples spend lots of time discussing. If this is a serious point of disagreement between you, then it is something that only you and he can tackle at the time. Good luck, Sera

 
Old 05-29-2007, 07:07 AM   #9
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Re: Worried my Fiance only wants to marry me to have his children?

Hello and Thank you all so very kindly for answering my query. It is very nice of you to be so helpful and concerned. I truely appreciate your time to answer.

In answer to some of the posts, yes we have met in person for about 6 weeks, before his holiday time was up and had to go back to his town to work. Which is why I know there is such a strong bond between us, at least so far there is. But at that time Marriage wasnt a subject spoken about then so I never got to ask him all these questions in person about having children ect.

He is coming up again in the next month for another visit, so I'm hoping to have a good long talk with him about my concerns. I did mention over the phone to him tonight, about how I was worried that he only wanted me to marry him to have his children. I asked him that, if I could not by some reason have children would he leave me for someone else who could.?

He was a bit hesitate in answering, (or it could be delay from mobile phone) and when he did answer he said he would be dissappointed that we couldnt have children, but then again we could always use a surrigate mother or adopt children.

This has me more confused, because I've never really ever intended on adopting children in my life time.. Please do not think I'm cold hearted as I know these lovely children need to be loved and homed too, even more so then bringing your own children into the world for they are all alone and need a family, but its just that I've always felt in my heart that if I was not blessed to be able to give birth to my own child, then I wasnt meant to have any children at all. I know some women might think that is a silly ideas but that is just what I've always believed in.

Anyway now I am feeling that all he is really interested in is being a father and having children. And I'm wondering if I really have any say in this matter at all.? I'm wondering that if we are married and in a few years time our circumstances should change and I am happy being it just the two of us and dont want any children at all, that this will cause problems between us, as now every conversation, text, email, ect is always mentioning our future children and the rush to have them. (even getting pregnant before the wedding which is something I do not want nor believe in at all.)

To boil it all down, the red flags are up at full mask now, and I am definately not going to rush into anything serious that quickly. I've waited such a long time as it is already to find someone to spend my life with that waiting another 5 months or a year or two to get married isnt that long to be certain of a lifelong commitment. Plus if I am going to have the feeling of being pressured into having children quickly either by natural birth, surrigate, or adopting, I certainly will not be happy nor rush to the altar in a hurry either.

I do thank you all so very much for letting me open up my concerns here. Your answers has really helped clear my mind and thoughts and I am very greatful for your help. It is always nice to have someone to talk to and I dont have many friends to talk.

Thank you all again and wishing you all the very best of happiness always.

 
Old 05-29-2007, 07:19 AM   #10
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Re: Worried my Fiance only wants to marry me to have his children?

Madlyinlove,

You sound so much stronger in this post. The fact that he wants to try and have children before the wedding, is a big red flag. Is he trying to see if you can get pregnant? You are not an item with a warranty, if it doesn't work I won't keep it. I'm sorry to sound so cold, but the fact that he is so focused on children with every communication with you is very concerning. I know your in the midst of a great love connection, and this is something that you want to last forever, so I agree with you to take the time whether it is one year, two years, whatever, your thinking on the right track. Believe me when I tell you children will change the make up of your relationship and not only is it important that you will be a good mother, which I don't doubt since you are caring for your family right now, but you need to make sure he will be a good HUSBAND and FATHER. Wish you the best and stay strong to your gut!!!!!

 
Old 05-29-2007, 07:26 AM   #11
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Re: Worried my Fiance only wants to marry me to have his children?

Make sure you are in charge of the birth control and dont let him know where you keep it this works better if you are on bcps. If you are on other forms of bc like the patch or ring then I'm sure you will figure out something.

It does seem a bit odd he is pushing that so hard and early. Though my dh and I got married fast and decided early on we wanted kids soon after we were married. And we got married only after 6 months after meeting. So I tend to be in the group when you know it is right go for it. But you are already having doubts so follow your gut on this. Guys dont generally push for kids it tends to be a woman that pushes. Granted some men to push but not like he is doing.
If you can try to find out about an exes for his and find a way to talk to them. Or maybe talk to his family to get an idea of what they are like. If you can talk to exes you can find out if he has kids or just a general history of how relationships have been with him. You cant always go by his word alone.
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Old 05-29-2007, 07:34 AM   #12
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Re: Worried my Fiance only wants to marry me to have his children?

I smell a rat....
is her a foreigner perhaps maybe trying to get citizenship?
I don't trust him and you shouldn't either. You don't even know him, he could have a lot of skeletons in his closet.....he may even be married!
You don't know didley squat about him.....he sounds like a con artist.
trust your gut.

 
Old 05-29-2007, 08:56 AM   #13
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Re: Worried my Fiance only wants to marry me to have his children?

hmmm...i think you should ask him to explain himself...ask him why he wants everything so fast and why the children right away before marrage...and when he gives an answer make him explain his answers in details. Tell him what your concerns are and see where he meets you. If he still pushes then ask yourself, how much is he thinking of me and my needs and how much of him is wrapped up in him. Personally I think he wants you to have children right away so he can keep you. And you shouldn't be kept.
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Old 05-29-2007, 09:31 AM   #14
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Re: Worried my Fiance only wants to marry me to have his children?

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
I smell a rat....
is her a foreigner perhaps maybe trying to get citizenship?
I don't trust him and you shouldn't either. You don't even know him, he could have a lot of skeletons in his closet.....he may even be married!
You don't know didley squat about him.....he sounds like a con artist.
trust your gut.
What she said.

Something is really "off" here. Really off. What kind of man would want children with someone he barely knows? Who's to say you wouldn't leave him in the dust with your new children? What about medical history, family history, all that stuff that takes time to find out about?

Or looking at the other end of the spectrum, in certain cultures, a mother has zero rights over her children; it all rests with the father. And a man's worth is often tied to his children.

Where is this guy from, BTW?

And to just assume you'd be okay with a surrogate or adoption as an alternative if your plumbing isn't working right? Really, really strange.

Like Rose said, trust your gut here. Not your brains and rationalize; not your heart and those butterflies in your stomach because you might think "he's the one." Trust your gut here. Something ain't right here at all.

 
Old 05-29-2007, 01:39 PM   #15
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Re: Worried my Fiance only wants to marry me to have his children?

I think it is very wise of you to slow down a bit on him. Something definately doesn't seem right. Rosequartz brought up a very good point about a foreigner trying to get citizenship, that didn't even cross my mind.

When he comes for his visit I think you should sit him down and push this issue as to why children are so important right away. You just may find that when you start questioning his motives he may decide to move on and find someone more naive. I don't know, the man just comes across very odd.

Oh, and definately make sure you are in charge of the birth control!

 
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