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Old 05-29-2007, 03:17 PM   #1
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More stories about my girlfriend

I'm sorry if you're getting tired of it(the ones who've read my rants before) but I really need to vent again.

I've talked in the past about how my girlfriend's parents are trying to control her every move. She tells me today that her father thinks it's dis-respectful that I don't pick her up when she comes over. I've been dating her for 6 months and he finally decides to ***** about it now, incredible. She has her license and couldn't wait to get it and her father gave her his old car, but now he doesn't want her taking it because he worries when she comes home. She'd usually take 1 bus to get here and I'd go get her at the bus stop and drive her home afterwards because her parents don't want her taking the bus after dark. But now her father says I should go pick her up AND drive her back because that's what he did when he first started dating his wife and that's what all my girlfriend's cousins are doing and now she's telling me maybe I should listen to him and go pick her up.

I'm getting really fed up with her parents. She told me to try and talk to them more and I figured I would to try and build a relationship so last weekend I tried to forget about all the things they did that irritated me and I talked to both of them for a while and this is how they reply.

I mean, we don't live in the 80's anymore. My girlfriend has a car and she can come here if she wants or she can take a bus which just goes down the main road. My car is pretty old and she lives about 15 minutes away on the main road and if I'd go pick her up, come back, drive her, come back, that's an hour on my car and it won't last till the end of summer. I told her I wouldn't do it and that her father should mind his own business about how she chooses to come over but he always has something to say. Now she's telling me she 'doesn't know what she'll do' because her mother will know she asked me and when she finds out I said no she will say I'm "inconsiderate."

Seriously, I got really irritated with her parents just 2 weeks ago when they said she would not be able to sleep over or go anywhere with me for an overnight even though she will be 18 in 2 months until she leaves their house. I'm at the end of my rope here and I really don't know what to do.

Also, our 6 month anniversary is sunday and she was begging me to take her to a restaurant but not any restaurant, she didn't want a chain restaurant and she wanted table clothes with candles and menus and waiters so I am busting my *** trying to find one, I cancel my camping plans with my friends AND I cancel a bbq with work friends this weekend because she wants to go out. Today she tells me she forgot and that some cousin of her's has his communion and that it was 'important family stuff' and that she wouldnt be able to do anything for our anniversary. I told her to not go and she said it was sad that I said we couldn't do anything for our anniversary because she has family plans but doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of this arguement I mean she tells me to find a restaurant and then drops this bomb on me and when I go to cancel everything she says it's sad.

Honestly, I don't know what the hell to do anymore, please help if you can.

 
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Old 05-29-2007, 05:24 PM   #2
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Re: More stories about my girlfriend

Different story, same issue. You are not going to get anywhere going head-to-head with her family. Sorry, Doom, but that is the bottom line here. I won't comment on the rights and wrongs of the picking-up protocol etc, but it is clear that she at least partly agrees with her parents and wants you to conform. This is not a bad thing, obviously her family is very important to her, maybe even more important than the BF. This is only a sign that she is not the adult woman you want her to be at the moment. As I said before, your choice is to wait and let her catch up in her own time, or let her go and find someone more independent. If she was in her twenties and like this, big alarm bells would ring, but she is 17. I know girls of 17 who are a bit more out there, also some who are definitely still not ready to leave the nest. Be patient if you want to keep her. Keep trying with the parents, you will definitely be the one left in the dust if you make her choose in any way. The anniversary date is a shame, and that was impolite to say the least, certainly you have a right to be angry about that, but it is one incident, don't tie it up with all the other stuff. Cheers, Sera

 
Old 05-29-2007, 06:29 PM   #3
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Re: More stories about my girlfriend

I basically told her before that until she starts thinking for herself to not talk to me anymore and now she thinks I broke up with her. The whole me picking her up thing is just the parent's opinion and she is free to believe what she wants but she just goes as if they're always right and she made it as if I was unreasonable because I wouldn't conform to their expectations and start picking her up whenever I see her. So until she realizes what she's losing, which she probably won't because she's so stubborn and holds her parent's expectations so high, I don't even want to see her and it's really tearing me up inside. I've never felt this way about anyone before and she's pretty much the girl I've been looking for my whole life and it completely destroys me inside thinking that I'm going to let her go for something so stupid.

 
Old 05-29-2007, 06:30 PM   #4
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Re: More stories about my girlfriend

I see a few things here. First, romance seems to be lacking between you and her. You have been together for six months and the main topic these days seems to be her family's latest "decree". It is clear that on the one hand they want to tell you what to do and on the other you don't want to conform to it. Second, as a young man, you could perhaps make a few sacrifices to please them and your gf and then gradually as I win their trust, you would carry your point, at least half of the way. Don't you feel you love her enough to make sacrifices? Third, I agree with Sera: she is a very young girl and obviously she is not the kind who would rebel against her family - at least not for the time being. I understand that as the boy-friend, that is, as a gentleman, you are expected to comply. But of course there is a limit to your patience. If you make up mind to comply but nothing changes after some time and if you value your freedom to choose what to do over your love for her, then you'd be better to quit and move on.

As for the anniversary, that appeared to be rather indelicate of her, but again we don't what kind of pressure they exerted on her. It seems she has not many choices.

Yes, maybe you need someone who is more independent, unless you suddenly find you love her despite her family's demands and can afford to wait until she grows up and gets rid in part of their influence.

 
Old 05-29-2007, 06:46 PM   #5
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Re: More stories about my girlfriend

I really don't think I can keep going with all this because it seems there's always a problem with her family when we get over one. I find this one particularly ridiculous because her parents don't understand that times have changed and girls can now go over to their boyfriend's house by themselves. I'm not saying I wouldn't if I had no choice but she has a car and there's a bus station right on her street. I just find it sad that her parents can't accept that their daughter might have a different opinion on matters they find should be resolved one way and she can't seem to come to an agreement with them so she folds and concedes. I love this girl so much and I really don't know what to do. She's telling me if I loved her then I would make this sacrifice and go pick her up but the door swings both ways. I'm thinking, if she loves me, wouldn't she talk some sence into her parents instead of letting me deal with all the crap? She tells me I have to make compromises but this is going too far. All she has to do is tell her parents that she doesn't think I have to pick her up and that she doesn't mind taking the bus, but she tells me she did and they don't understand. So now apparently if she takes the bus and her mother finds out I said no then the parents will think I am an inconsiderate *** and that I don't care. How very nice. A part of me wants to end it because I really can't handle all this, but an even bigger part of me loves her so very much and wants to stay with her. I guess what those two parts have in common is that they both want her parents to start minding their own business to some extent. Sure, they have a right to give ADVICE to their daughter and voice their opinions but now make their opinions law. I don't know, I guess I'll just think about it but I just feel like crying or destroying something because I don't know how to feel right now. I feel a mixture of sadness, dissapointment and anger towards her family and towards her because she thinks we'll have a mutual breakup and that she can just move on with her life and that everything will be fine. I've never had to break-up with a girl I really loved before so I don't know how to deal.

 
Old 05-29-2007, 06:56 PM   #6
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Re: More stories about my girlfriend

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Originally Posted by doomcastirons View Post
I basically told her before that until she starts thinking for herself to not talk to me anymore and now she thinks I broke up with her. The whole me picking her up thing is just the parent's opinion and she is free to believe what she wants but she just goes as if they're always right and she made it as if I was unreasonable because I wouldn't conform to their expectations and start picking her up whenever I see her. So until she realizes what she's losing, which she probably won't because she's so stubborn and holds her parent's expectations so high, I don't even want to see her and it's really tearing me up inside. I've never felt this way about anyone before and she's pretty much the girl I've been looking for my whole life and it completely destroys me inside thinking that I'm going to let her go for something so stupid.
Well, I gotta say if I were in her shoes, I'd think you dumped me too. "Don't call me until you change your tune/change your mind/think for yourself/whaveter" sounds like a break up.

It's unfortunate she got you to cancel all your plans and made you try to make all these plans and then canceled on you for a family event, but I chalk that up to her just being a 17-year-old kid and not being a fully formed adult yet, and there are times when any 17 year old girl will be a bit flaky. And as far as you getting upset at her parents for not letting her spend the night, I gotta say, if I had a 17 year old daughter, I wouldn't let her stay overnight with her boyfriend either. As long as she is living under my roof, my rules. It's her parents' job to teach her values and morals and etiquette and propriety and self respect, and they wouldn't be doing there job if they let her do whatever the heck she wanted, or whatever the heck you wanted her to do. And I also have to agree that her waiting at a bus stop after dark isn't cool either. You have to see it from their side. She may be almost 18, but she's still a minor for one thing, and she's still a single young girl and this world is a very dangerous place for young girls out alone after dark. It's not responsible to expect her to wait alone at a bus stop after dark. It hink maybe her parents are insisting you come pick her up as a test, to see just how much you respect her and how much you respect them and their rules and values and whether you are on the same page, or are going to be a bad influence and try to pursuade her away from the morals and values that they are trying to instill in her. Another thing young people don't always understand, you say it's not the 80s anymore, girls can spend the night with her boyfriends. Well, speaking just for me, I wouldn't care if it were 2007, 2017, or 2087. No 17 year old daughter of mine is spending the night with her boyfriend. My parents never allowed non married couples spend the night in the same bedroom in their house, and I respected their rules, and the only man I ever seriously dated darn well respected them too.

I agree with the above poster, you are going to get NO WHERE FAST trying to overrule her parents or trying to be a bad influence and pursuade her to disobey or be disrespectful to her parents. From what you've told us, you havent' really presented yourself to her parents as a respectful young man wanting to date their daughter and respecting their rules and their values and how they want their daughter to be treated. Of course you're going to have problems with them. Cardinal rule #1 of dating - The girl's dad is always right!!! If you're not willing to date her within her parents' parameters, then I don't see much of a future for this relationship. She's a nice girl from a nice home, and of course her parents are going to look out for her. And her first loyalty belongs to her parents, especially at this point in her life.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 05-29-2007 at 07:01 PM.

 
Old 05-29-2007, 07:02 PM   #7
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Re: More stories about my girlfriend

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Originally Posted by doomcastirons View Post
I really don't think I can keep going with all this because it seems there's always a problem with her family when we get over one. I find this one particularly ridiculous because her parents don't understand that times have changed and girls can now go over to their boyfriend's house by themselves. I'm not saying I wouldn't if I had no choice but she has a car and there's a bus station right on her street.
Doom, has it occurred to you that her parents are only thinking of her physical safety. You (no offence) are thinking ONLY of your own feelings in this. I have children and the biggest fear I had was their being out alone at night, on the bus or driving, especially my daughter. I sympathise with you on most of what you say, but I don't think her parents are at all unreasonable in this. They don't want their daughter out alone at night. I would be EXACTLY the same - it has nothing to do with etiquette or manners. Get your head out of its Mr Hard-done-by mode and try to think what it would be like to have a daughter with a boyfriend who would rather make his little point than consider your daughter's safety and wellbeing. I know I am being stern about this but some things are more important than who is right and who is wrong. Her parents are not unusual. Many many parents protect their kids above and beyond. If you can't wait and try to win their confidence and trust, then let her go and find someone else. No matter what happens now, if you stay with her these people will be your family too, so why set yourself aganist them at this stage. You are 18. You have plenty of time. Sternly, Sera

 
Old 05-29-2007, 07:06 PM   #8
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Re: More stories about my girlfriend

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Doom, has it occurred to you that her parents are only thinking of her physical safety. You (no offence) are thinking ONLY of your own feelings in this. I have children and the biggest fear I had was their being out alone at night, on the bus or driving, especially my daughter. I sympathise with you on most of what you say, but I don't think her parents are at all unreasonable in this. They don't want their daughter out alone at night. I would be EXACTLY the same - it has nothing to do with etiquette or manners. Get your head out of its Mr Hard-done-by mode and try to think what it would be like to have a daughter with a boyfriend who would rather make his little point than consider your daughter's safety and wellbeing. I know I am being stern about this but some things are more important than who is right and who is wrong. Her parents are not unusual. Many many parents protect their kids above and beyond. If you can't wait and try to win their confidence and trust, then let her go and find someone else. No matter what happens now, if you stay with her these people will be your family too, so why set yourself aganist them at this stage. You are 18. You have plenty of time. Sternly, Sera
The problem is that I don't let her out at night alone. I always drive her back home at night. Her parents just think that I should go PICK HER UP because it's 'what boyfriends do.' She always takes the bus over and I ALWAYS drive her home at night. I can understand that they don't want her taking the car but she can take the bus and I will always drive her back so it isn't an issue of safety AT ALL. Her parents just think I have to pick her up because it's what guys do when they have girlfriends and her dad says he did that with his wife when they started dating and that it's dis-respectful if I don't pick her up. I would never let her return home by bus at night, ever. I just needed to clear that up.

 
Old 05-29-2007, 07:23 PM   #9
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Re: More stories about my girlfriend

They are right. They want you to demonstrate that you respect their daughter and value her as much as they do. You "breaking up" with her over this issue is nothing less than emotional blackmail. You are the minority here. I hear all through this that you are being inconvenienced, annoyed and put upon. If you love this girl as much as you say you do, isn't she worth waiting a bit for? Isn't she worth being respectful to her parents' wishes for? All I can see (and probably all they can see) is a young man who wants to get their daughter out of the house, out of their sight for many nefarious sex-related reasons. Our daughter had one of those, never made the slightest attempt to relate to us. We found out after that he behaved abusively to our daughter. Alarm bells ring with parents when a fairly serious boyfriend is undermining them. Get on board with these people or get out and let this perfectly nice girl find someone less concerned with his own rights. Do not tell me you are trying to help her to be more independent, you clearly aren't interested in how she feels about this, or you wouldn't be trying to set her against everything she has been raised to believe. Speaking as a parent, and also as a one-time daughter of fairly strict parents, I cannot see you doing yourself ANY good at all by continuing to push this line with her. If you love her and want to keep her, then suck it up! Sera

 
Old 05-29-2007, 08:46 PM   #10
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Re: More stories about my girlfriend

How far of a drive are we talking, here? Is it really far away for you? How many miles? How long does it take you to get there? I think that if you're having a spaz about it and she only lives like 10 minutes away, then that's overdoing it. But if she lives pretty far away, then it's probably not surprising that they don't want her taking the bus to get to you.

I still say that she will never change because those girls who follow their parents to the letter of the law rarely ever change, but you never know. She may decide that next year when she's an adult that she wants to be her own boss. That's entirely possible. But I don't know this girl so I'm not sure how mature she is and how she may or may not change when she is older. You really never know until she gets older.

 
Old 05-30-2007, 05:22 AM   #11
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Re: More stories about my girlfriend

Hey Doom,

I'm thinking her father is concerned with his daughter's safety by wanting you to pick her up and drop her off. Also I see this as a way for him to get to know you better.

I have two daughters, neither of whom are even close to be old enough to date. But I have to tell you, if my daughter were taking a bus to go see her boyfriend rather than him coming to the house once in a while to pick her up it would make me uneasy. I would feel like he is hiding something by not wanting to talk with me. Have you thought that this just may be how her family feels? I also wouldn't feel comfortable with my 18 year old daughter camping with her boyfriend either. Not only because of the potential sleeping arrangements but the potential drinking and safety issues.

You and your girlfriend have two very different views on things. She is still young and living under her parents roof. It is going to take her a few years to become more independent and to begin to think for herself about these things. It's not like she's 23 and running her every move by her parents. If you are not able to accept that this is who she is and go with the flow until she is more sure of herself (and not doing what pleases her parents or you) then I think it just may be time for you to go your separate ways. This is an ongoing theme in your relationship and it will get to the point that she will choose her family over you if you keep pushing. I mean, you have only been together 6 months and it seems there are more problems then there should be really. At 17 my boyfriend didn't pressure me to disobey my parents or to go overnight with him somewhere. I did what made me comfortable and he respected my choices. It's just my opinion, but I think you are probably better off finding a girl who is more on your wave length.

 
Old 05-30-2007, 06:11 AM   #12
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Re: More stories about my girlfriend

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I'm sorry if you're getting tired of it(the ones who've read my rants before) but I really need to vent again.

I've talked in the past about how my girlfriend's parents are trying to control her every move. She tells me today that her father thinks it's dis-respectful that I don't pick her up when she comes over. I've been dating her for 6 months and he finally decides to ***** about it now, incredible. She has her license and couldn't wait to get it and her father gave her his old car, but now he doesn't want her taking it because he worries when she comes home. She'd usually take 1 bus to get here and I'd go get her at the bus stop and drive her home afterwards because her parents don't want her taking the bus after dark. But now her father says I should go pick her up AND drive her back because that's what he did when he first started dating his wife and that's what all my girlfriend's cousins are doing and now she's telling me maybe I should listen to him and go pick her up.

I'm getting really fed up with her parents. She told me to try and talk to them more and I figured I would to try and build a relationship so last weekend I tried to forget about all the things they did that irritated me and I talked to both of them for a while and this is how they reply.

I mean, we don't live in the 80's anymore. My girlfriend has a car and she can come here if she wants or she can take a bus which just goes down the main road. My car is pretty old and she lives about 15 minutes away on the main road and if I'd go pick her up, come back, drive her, come back, that's an hour on my car and it won't last till the end of summer. I told her I wouldn't do it and that her father should mind his own business about how she chooses to come over but he always has something to say. Now she's telling me she 'doesn't know what she'll do' because her mother will know she asked me and when she finds out I said no she will say I'm "inconsiderate."

Seriously, I got really irritated with her parents just 2 weeks ago when they said she would not be able to sleep over or go anywhere with me for an overnight even though she will be 18 in 2 months until she leaves their house. I'm at the end of my rope here and I really don't know what to do.

Also, our 6 month anniversary is sunday and she was begging me to take her to a restaurant but not any restaurant, she didn't want a chain restaurant and she wanted table clothes with candles and menus and waiters so I am busting my *** trying to find one, I cancel my camping plans with my friends AND I cancel a bbq with work friends this weekend because she wants to go out. Today she tells me she forgot and that some cousin of her's has his communion and that it was 'important family stuff' and that she wouldnt be able to do anything for our anniversary. I told her to not go and she said it was sad that I said we couldn't do anything for our anniversary because she has family plans but doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of this arguement I mean she tells me to find a restaurant and then drops this bomb on me and when I go to cancel everything she says it's sad.

Honestly, I don't know what the hell to do anymore, please help if you can.
Her father is minding his own business. His most important business on the planet right now is his little girl, her safety, who's influencing her, who's taking care of her when she's not with him. If you love this girl as much as you say you do, I'm having a hard time believing you're okay with her sitting at a bus stop to come visit you. No, this isn't the '80s anymore. Crime is much, much higher today, and the crime has become much more violent, too.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but it's almost like you're expecting and wanting her to be some kind of rebel and go against her parents. And I don't think, based on what you've written, her parents are being unreasonable at all. Obviously she doesn't, either, if she's bringing up words like "inconsiderate" and basically saying her cousins' boyfriends are doing things for them that you're not.

I think you're going to be feeling like you're banging your head against a wall if you keep on with these expectations. You're dating a girl who still lives at home with her parents. There will be rules for her. Period. No fighting, no rebellion. Period. I think you need to respect that or move on and find someone more independent.

And, goodness, pick up the girl at her house for crying out loud! What is she, some kind of booty call?

Last edited by StenoLady1; 05-30-2007 at 06:15 AM.

 
Old 05-30-2007, 08:04 AM   #13
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Re: More stories about my girlfriend

Hi Dom,

80's or not, make the effort to get the approval from her dad, though it may be too late.

Your girlfriend may "rebel" from her dad here and there, but in the end I can garantee she cares about what he thinks and will eventually side with him. This will put you in a bad spot when she finally does!

I've seen this situation many times, and it's happened with myself (when my dad didn't approve.) In the end I've seen the same result: daughters always think about and eventually side with their fathers... though their feedback is ignored or hard to accept at first.

Besides, why wouldn't you want to make your girlfriend less comfortable (when dealing with her dad), and why couldn't you go the extra mile to ensure there's no tension? Pick her up.. and make an extra effort... it's the investment that can save you alot of heartache.

 
Old 05-30-2007, 01:12 PM   #14
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Re: More stories about my girlfriend

Sorry I agree she's 17 of course her parents won't let her spend the night. And as for the picking her up if your driving to the bus stop to get her anyway why don't you just drive and get her you said it's only 15mins. There's something called choosing your battles and this seems like a pretty insignificant thing to fight her parents on. She does live at home she is under 18 so you will be having to deal with her parents, why not bend on this and earn some "points" the more they like you the easier future dealing with them will be. You have to earn their respect and trust they are her parents like it or not and they will always be in her life. If you truely love her don't burn any bridges over something so small.

 
Old 05-30-2007, 01:32 PM   #15
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Re: More stories about my girlfriend

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Her father is minding his own business. His most important business on the planet right now is his little girl, her safety, who's influencing her, who's taking care of her when she's not with him. If you love this girl as much as you say you do, I'm having a hard time believing you're okay with her sitting at a bus stop to come visit you. No, this isn't the '80s anymore. Crime is much, much higher today, and the crime has become much more violent, too.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but it's almost like you're expecting and wanting her to be some kind of rebel and go against her parents. And I don't think, based on what you've written, her parents are being unreasonable at all. Obviously she doesn't, either, if she's bringing up words like "inconsiderate" and basically saying her cousins' boyfriends are doing things for them that you're not.

I think you're going to be feeling like you're banging your head against a wall if you keep on with these expectations. You're dating a girl who still lives at home with her parents. There will be rules for her. Period. No fighting, no rebellion. Period. I think you need to respect that or move on and find someone more independent.

And, goodness, pick up the girl at her house for crying out loud! What is she, some kind of booty call?
I AGREE

 
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