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Old 05-31-2007, 05:05 PM   #1
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Unhappy AM I BEING SELFISH - The Baby Thing

I have been seeing a man for nearly 9 months who is 44 and has raised his only child on his own after 2 broken marriages, the son being 18 years old and living in a defacto relationship. I were open and made it clear at the beginning of the relationship that I were not wanting anymore children, I had complications at the age of 23 with my daughter and subsequent pregnancies and were waiting for a tubal ligation with my reasonings being: high risk patient, my only child who is 13 years old has a chronic pain syndrome which has caused her to be bed ridden for most of the last 18mths and who also has adrenal dysfunction, and because I have no desire - have been a single parent most of my daughters life, through choice. Unfortunately I recently became pregnant and complications set in once again early on in the pregnancy and after the pregnancy- the pregnancy was not to be. I did think that maybe I could be a parent again but quickly realised I would be doing it for someone else not for both of us. My man has done nothing but pressurise me about trying for another baby which I am finding difficult on a daily basis. Due to hospital admin errors my ligation consult has taken much longer than expected, considering I have a high score sheet. Only yesterday had I been seen by a specialist who had prior to my consult scheduled my op for today but has since reading my notes said I need a laparotomy - open surgery, not the smaller op because of prior complications, this requires 6-8weeks recovery opposed to a few days for the smaller procedure. This i have temporarily put on hold until I can arrange care for my daughter. The man I have been seeing is still being difficult and applying pressure, more so since making the decision to move in with me in 2 weeks time. I only found out this morning that he had no intentions, as we haven't been speaking, of accompanying me to hospital today but I did mention to him that I didn't want him to cause a scene at the hospital. He seems very selfish and self centred telling me he dosn't want to go out to lunch, dinner or spend money on outings as a couple as he has other stuff that he needs his money for, his immigration stuff, which could take up to 8 months, which I will say is a priority. I always pay my way and up until recently covered the cost of the groceries, I have on many outings paid for him which he has not very often reciprocated, though I don't find that an issue as I earn more than him. I feel that if money is an issue now how could we have raised a child together. Our sex life and intimacy is zilch and he has and continues to, refuse using condoms, unfortunately a ligation is the only option contraception wise as nothing else but condoms are viable. Am I being selfish, or is he lacking the ability to put his own feelings aside and face the reality of us not having a child together. Can it be that he is trying to fill the void of his son leaving home. He has told me I am bullying him. Just this morning I told him that if cannot find the strength to support me through this given my medical background and daughter issues etc; then our relationship is over as I don't want to be with someone who is selfish and bludges. Have I done the right thing or am I the bully that he makes me out to be? If we had of had a child together it would not have made any difference in the way his application for residency or citizenship was dealt with so I cannot understand his pressurising.

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Old 05-31-2007, 05:23 PM   #2
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Re: AM I BEING SELFISH - The Baby Thing

No, you are NOT being selfish! It is your body, you know what it can and can't cope with. Does he come from a culture where children are the be-all and end-all of marriage? That could explain his single-mindedness. If he is that determined, then I think this relationship may be over. Children or no children is a major decision in a marriage and both parties need to be on the same page. Was he aware of your situation when you started out? He has no right to pressure you into something so major. He does sound very selfish and demanding himself, I think you will be better off without him. Financiall too, he is not pulling his weight by the sound of it. Cheers, Sera

Old 05-31-2007, 05:31 PM   #3
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Re: AM I BEING SELFISH - The Baby Thing

I cannot see how you are being selfish when you have clearly shown your great capacity for unselfishness in caring for your daughter for 13 years. The relcutance to bring another child into the world with the possibility of a similar disorder or just to "please" your partner--also proves you are not the selfish one here. I don't know if he is trying to replace his son, maybe so, but at some point, children will inevitably flee the nest.
I would take this relationship very slowly and cautiously. He does sound a bit of a bully, and this is often a bad sign. Just take care of yourself and watch our for yourself and your daughter. You did not mention that you loved this man, which I found kind of interesting. Re -read your own post and notice how clinical it seems. You sem fairly distant from him. Maybe you ahve already made up your mind about him. Anyway--all the best in your upcomg surgery. Ligation can be surprisingly painful!

Old 05-31-2007, 06:01 PM   #4
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Re: AM I BEING SELFISH - The Baby Thing

I had remarked the same thing as Liz49: in no part of your post the word love or anything related to love was mentioned. So, let me ask you again: are you really in love with this man?

No, I don't think you are being selfish because you "were open and made it clear at the beginning of the relationship that" you "were not wanting anymore children".

However, you could possibly (not probably) have changed your decision somehow, especially if you had become convinced that this man was a supportive, caring and dedicated person and if you could be made sure your child would be safe from harm. Since nothing has happened to change your mind, you are simply being honest and loyal to yourself. Period.

If he can't understand this or if he now regrets having accepted your early decision (which seems to be unnegociable), he would be better to leave you before this escalates into bitterness for both of you.

Last edited by pendulum; 05-31-2007 at 06:02 PM.

Old 05-31-2007, 06:58 PM   #5
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Re: AM I BEING SELFISH - The Baby Thing

I thank you for your reply. Strange I know, when I read my own post I also noticed the fact that there was no reference to love. I do however love the man but am feeling very strained and drained emotionally about the whole thing. I'm very exhausted. I feel that I have grown apart from him over the last few weeks not only emotionally but sexually on an intimacy level as I feel his lack of not wanting to use condoms is his way of bullying and exercising power over me. There is no intimacy, relationship building on his part, though I did voice this to him - and he did make an effort which was short lived. Intimacy to me is very important, connecting with that special person that you love. We have never had a great sex life but he did mention to me that he has never had alot of sex in his previous relationships or marriages, nor has he cheated. I find him to be a very upfront and honest person so there is no doubt there.

In addition to my own relationship/baby stress I have also spent the last few weeks in and out of the hospital system supporting my daughter while she was undergoing further tests, a brain scan and ultrasounds. Even though it has been challenging with my daughters health issues, in my mind I feel I have always made the effort to be a caring and loving partner, showing my domesticated abilities, cooking and cleaning etc; My daughter has good periods which can last for a couple of weeks or months then she goes down again, so it is not always stressful.

He has voiced to me that I am very domineering, I've told him im a strong and independant woman who knows what she wants. I allow him (sounds funny) to have freedom, meet with friends, take part in his favourite hobbies on a weekly basis, something of which he told me his last wife didn't allow. He is even playing sport this weekend all day on Saturday and Sunday and going to a show on Saturday evening. I don't have a problem with that. Don't get me wrong he does invite me along but it is always to his social club, he's not a drinker so dosn't spend long periods of time drinking, just mingling and playing pool. Just not my scene as they are alot older than both of us and they have different interests in life. I don't have an overactive social life but then that is my choice, my daughter's care has become more recently important as she has taken a plunge for the moment. I don't have family close by that I can rely on. I believe it's important for both parties to be equal and grow in a relationship, control is not something I exercise as I had a father that was very domineering and controlling. I have had to be strong for my daughter, it is my role as a parent to nuture and protect her, something I feel I do well. My mans opinion is that NZ woman are controlling and domineering, I can't really comment on that.

Yes I agree, things could have possibly been different had this man shown me that he was supportive, caring and dedicated. I have learnt a great deal since parenting on my own and would no longer take the risks that I have done in the past. You could call it being wiser!!!!

Thank you for your positive comments.

Old 06-01-2007, 02:05 AM   #6
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Re: AM I BEING SELFISH - The Baby Thing


My feeling is that the same words that you use to describe this man apply to you: I find you to be a very upfront and honest person so there is no doubt here. Then it seems that you two have this much in common.

Thank you for the clarifications. It is easy to see that you are exhausted and, if I may add, confused. You clearly love this man, but at the same time you wish he were more understanding and helpful. In one word, you feel that he is not being empathic.

I think he also loves you and admires you as a woman and a mother, otherwise he wouldn't even thinking of having a child with you. On the other hand, he may think that you are overprotective of your daughter. There is a sort of paradox here, if I can see it clearly.

I feel that both of you have indeed strong opinions. Another characteristic that you share, but in this case it can make things a little more difficult.

You are not obliged to answer and possibly these questions are beyond the scope of this forum, but I am wondering about the circumstances in which you first met this man, and what kind of problem your daughter has precisely.

Last edited by pendulum; 06-01-2007 at 02:05 AM.

Old 06-01-2007, 05:29 AM   #7
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Re: AM I BEING SELFISH - The Baby Thing

The only person being selfish is HIM! How many miscarriages is he willing to put you though to get what he wants?
My posts are just my opinion only and are not of a professional nature.

Old 06-01-2007, 05:31 AM   #8
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Re: AM I BEING SELFISH - The Baby Thing

It's seems to me that your boyfriend is being the selfish one. He is only concerned with his desires to have a child and not your medical history, your daughter's needs, or you not wanting to have another child.

I noticed where you said he is taking care of "immigration issues" which is taking his top priority. Is this why he is pushing a baby so badly? Will this help him to gain his citizenship or green card or something? I know some push marriage for this reason and it just makes sense to me given what I read.

I think it is best for you and your daughter to end things with this man. You have only been together for 9 months and he has shown himself to be a selfish and unsupportive jerk? Do you really need that with all you are going through?

Anyway, best of luck with your surgery and recovery. I hope things get easier for you.

Old 06-01-2007, 11:19 PM   #9
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Smile Re: AM I BEING SELFISH - The Baby Thing

Thankyou All For Your Inspirational Responses!!!!!

Old 06-02-2007, 07:07 AM   #10
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Re: AM I BEING SELFISH - The Baby Thing

So wait my question is since you say you are very indepentant and I think that is great that you dont need anyone thank God. Why would you alow this guy to walk all over you? He is using you as a mac machine and badgering you to have a baby that if he cant pay for his own meal how is he going to pay for a baby? Does he think that he can live off of what you make and that is how you are going to support a child? Wow if you have complications what makes him think that one of those wont be death? Not trying to be gross or shock you but you know this and I am confused as to why you would stay with someone like this. You are a great person raising your daughter of 13 years what a great thing for her to see what you have accomplished. Be proud! You dont need to be gone and have her alone because he certainly wont be taking care of her if you are gone because you had to get pregnant for him. 9 months? why would any talk of kids be in the picture if you dont have a sex life and you dont love him? your daughter is your priority and so is your health. You are doing the right thing by getting the operation. Who cares what he thinks? and why would you care what he thinks when he puts his selfishness above your health?

He wont use condoms, he is trying to force you to get pregnant, and yes by not using condoms he is forcing the issue because he is in control. He cant pay for himself sometimes and is demanding that you move in with him and you have only been together 9months.? wow I would dump him.

You take care of yourself and find someone to help with you when your operation comes. Your daughter is 13 so she can help as well. But dont move in with this guy he is bad news. This just doesnt seem right and the hairs on neck stand on end when you said these things. Dont let him say he will take you to the hospital either, make sure you have a friend with you. He will probably say no at the last minute and not drive you.

My sister went through tubal ligation last june and her husband said no. she has a back problem and has 4 kids already in a small apartment so she said her heatlh comes first. He said he wouldnt take her and she said fien my sister will or i'll take a cab. He took her and he even said well you are a Christian. She said well that comes in handy for you when its about you but when you dont need God you dont care. so you cant have it both ways. He told her he would get fixed after baby #1 and after 4 she just couldnt do it anymore.

Good for you, stick to your guns and do this. But to be honest i would dump him too since this seems to be very explosive and he is very controlling even though he hasnt hit you yet or anything like tthat. Just bad all around feeling on this one.

Good luck dear

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