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Old 06-09-2007, 12:26 PM   #1
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How do deal with ex husband feelings

Never in my wildest thoughts did I think I would ever communicate with my exhusband. We have both moved on with our lives and have been divorced for 12 years. I just barely remarried after our divorce last summer to a man that is the most amazing person. He is so great to me and all. So, me and my ex just got back in touch via a mutual friend and I am feeling so confused because I am having strong feelings for my ex.

I have a great life. Why would I even feel anything for someone let alone an exhusband? I haven't told my husband about this cause I didn't think anything would be significant and I think it would bother him. Now with the way I have been feeling it is a multitude worse. We are only emailing which is good but the tone has progressively increased beyond hey how've ya been wow your kids look great, to us talking about memories and our marriage. I feel horrible yet I don't want to let go of that connection. Thankfully, he lives in another state but his exwife lives in my town and they have kids together. We didn't have any kids together. I had a bad miscarriage which tore our marriage apart.

So, I am stuck. I don't know what to do or how to handle my feelings. I know I do not ever want to hurt my husband cause we took vows and he has been absolutely the best to me. I feel like a heel but I wasn't expecting all of this. Part of me says I should just stop communicating but the other part doesn't want to. I am just lost.

 
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Old 06-09-2007, 02:25 PM   #2
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Re: How do deal with ex husband feelings

Well I know how I'd feel if I found out that my husband was talking to and had feelings for his EX. I'd tell him to not let the door hit him in the a** on the way out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You need to stop communicating with this man now or you will tear apart your marriage and break the heart of your husband. If you said that you didn't have any feeling for him then that might be different but since you are stirring up feelings...that is NOT good!

 
Old 06-09-2007, 03:53 PM   #3
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Re: How do deal with ex husband feelings

Oh goodness, I feel sorry for you here. Did you actually have closure when you both broke up?

I know you say that you could never hurt your husbands feelings, but what ever you do don't be tempted to see your ex husband in secret, as this could then turn into cheating, which will just complicate things more.

Your husband sounds good to you, but are you in love with him?

 
Old 06-09-2007, 04:34 PM   #4
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Re: How do deal with ex husband feelings

We didn't have closure when we split. I had had 2 miscarriages before the last one. And the last one was at 15 weeks so it was very traumatic. We had been through fertility and all that and had been trying. He went out of state to work a high paying job cause we needed the money and then I found out I was pregnant. The miscarriage happened when he was out of state. I fell into a very bad depression which led to medication and he had to come back from his job to take care of me. It was really hard both of us to deal with all of this. I blamed him for not being there and he wasn't used to seeing his usually happy wife in a complete breakdown. One day he just said he didn't want to be married anymore and the next day I left. I was devastated and fled. I didn't want the divorce but he did so I just signed off on it and moved on. I was very upset about it for a long time but had gotten over it. My ex had since remarried had 3 children and has divorced I think in the last few years. Even when we first started emailing, it was all really nice like friends and all. I sent him pix of my wedding even and he congratulated me. Everything seemed really like neutral. Then lately, we have been talking about happier times of our marriage and more intimate in the caring sense not in the physical sense.

I do love my husband very much. I want to spend the rest of my life with my husband. Yet, I do feel like I need to talk to my ex about the whole thing just to work through it. I would like to have a friendship with him but I know I can't if there are these feelings. I don't plan on meeting up with him cause that is just setting up for disaster. I would like to talk to him like on the phone just to have a heart to heart. But, I am resisting speaking on the phone cause I am afraid of the conversation.

I appreciate all feedback because this really helps me try to sort it out. I know having these feelings is wrong. That's what is eating away at me. I feel like I am betraying my husband for these feelings I can't contain. Yet, I feel like I have to see this through and come to some kind of resolution.

I have been thinking about going to counseling but my husband would wonder why. He was married before too and has an ex that he talks to. Well, she calls him regarding their adult son but always goes into other things, which he quickly redirects, it bothers me but I know he isn't calling her so I don't blame him, plus I trust him.

 
Old 06-09-2007, 04:57 PM   #5
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Re: How do deal with ex husband feelings

Your storey is so sad. Basically you didn't get closure, so it is not surprising you are feeling these feelings.

I don't want to confuse you here, but this is what I think. You basically both faced some extremely stressful experiences during your relationship. You fell apart, and your husband couldn't cope. What he did was selfish, he wanted to split when you needed him the most. Sometimes tradegy can bring couples closer, sometimes through lack of opening up and communication, it can make a couple distance.

You say your feelings are 'wrong', I would say that they are feelings you could do without, but they are really quite natural to have, considering...

I am really sorry that you lost your child like that, that must of been devastating for you, and was obvioulsy for him to. It sounds like he bailed out cause he couldn't cope, but again I think that was selfish of him.

What about writing him a note and asking the questions that you probably still need answered, maybe then you can have closure

 
Old 06-09-2007, 05:33 PM   #6
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Re: How do deal with ex husband feelings

Ask yourself how you'd feel if your husband was sneaking around with an EX that he had feeling with behind your back! You need to tell your husband that you are talking to this man or you will risk losing him! How do you think he's going to feel when he finds out by accidently seeing something on the computer that you forgot to cover up behind yourself? Even if you aren't "doing something" it's still betraying the trust. I know how I felt early in my relationship with my husband when we were just living together and I went out of town and he hid the fact that he and his EX went running errands together. Even though I knew they talked to eachother...for some reason he did this in secret behind my back and let me tell you it hurt our relationship very badly! The trust was GONE! I accidently stumbled upon something in his car or I wouldn't have ever known this happened. And no, I don't believe that there was anything sexual...just the lying was enough to hurt our relationship!

 
Old 06-09-2007, 07:04 PM   #7
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Re: How do deal with ex husband feelings

This is a very hard situation to be in. As Brooke said, there was never closure after your breakup, everything was probably just buried and not dealt with. That is such a shame, and it was inevitable really that it would come back to haunt you in some way. Is it possible to take your present husband into your confidence about all this? Would he be supportive? Or, as ILYF put it, show you the door? I don't think the contact with your ex, the way it is now is a good idea at all. If it were me, and my present husband were supportive, I would deal with it in a therapeutic way with a counsellor. You need to forget about your ex's feelings in this, they are not your problem - your own feelings are, and you need to deal with it. A counsellor may proceed as follows: Your first real responsibility is to sit down and ask yourself "What, in my deepest heart of hearts, do I want the outcome of all this to be?" Be totally honest with yourself; try on each option for fit, sit with the idea of resuming your older relationship, then with the option of moving on into your new marriage, etc etc. Take everything into account, and be fully aware and responsible for your own decisions. Be honest, do not go behind your husband's back, he has done nothing to deserve all this. Deal with it therapeutically, and don't talk to the ex on the sly any more. Good luck, Sera.

 
Old 06-09-2007, 07:17 PM   #8
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Re: How do deal with ex husband feelings

well it is really hard for someone else to tell u what to do i had a situation somewhat to yours this is what i did i was married to a man for 20 years and we had two children we didnt talk for 12 years after our divorce i loved him but i wasnt in love with him and i had my memories we would talk every now and then he would always want me to have coffee with him i said no i had moved on and remarried i wasnt going down that road and i sure didnt tell my new husband but then my new husband new my ex still loved me and he also new that we would always have a bond then one night we talked about the good times he apologized he told me he never stopped loving me and we laughed about old times but i always told him i love my husband and we are in the past a week later my ex died in his sleep i was glad we had them few conversations but i always let him know we would never be again and i didnt make it a habbit of talking to him alot

 
Old 06-10-2007, 09:49 AM   #9
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Re: How do deal with ex husband feelings

I am not sure if your ex-husband was simply selfish. Often it is difficult for a man, especially if he is young, to cope with certain charged situations. But I can see a dose of instability in him. He married again and then left. My impression is that as soon as he meets with a difficulty, he runs away. That is, he is not ready to cope with unexpected things and situations.

I wouldn't say that your feelings for him are wrong, but I think they are rather misplaced. It seems to me that you are really yearning for the man that he didn't become after all, if you see what I mean. You have feelings for someone that really never existed. I think it would help you to think that way. "You are having feeelings for a mirage." Ask yourself: Do I really need a man who is inconsistent with his commitments?

I don't know you too well, but you do come across to me as a romantic person: you seem not satisfied with what you have got and you keep longing for something that is missing. But when you eventually reach what was missing, you may feel that it is another thing that is really missing. Maybe you are not exactly like that, but that is how I perceive you. Sorry. I don't mean to hurt you and I could be wrong, but ...

In other words, you don't seem satisfied with your present marriage. It gives you maybe comfort and safety, but it doesn't make you happy, does it? It seems emotions and feelings are missing. Maybe children, too? Friction is also missing, and deny it as we may, some friction is necessary in a healthy marriage. Your husband seems to be ok, but he is apparently a detached person who may occasionally look down on you. Is he much older than you?

I don't know if you will keep this marriage or move on, but to my mind what you have to deal with is not your ex-husband or your husband for that matter, but your own patterns: not being satisfied with your present status and longing for something that is at best immaterial. This is maybe a rather "cruel" interpretation of you, and I don't mean to be perfectly accurate, but I think the recipe for you is to focus on yourself now.

You may start by realizing that emotions are not the only reality out there, that they can be deceptive, that you can't have everything, that you can't have both men at the same time or one man with the qualities of both, that you have to focus on what is positive in the present rather than yearning for the past. You have a hard and long road in front of yourself, but I know that you will eventually make it.

 
Old 06-10-2007, 12:10 PM   #10
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Re: How do deal with ex husband feelings

You should also ask yourself "If I'm so happy with my husband why did I want to begin conversing with the EX????!!!!!" Nothing good could have come of it.

 
Old 06-10-2007, 01:07 PM   #11
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Re: How do deal with ex husband feelings

I guess that sometimes in life, through no fault of our own, we aren't able to obtain the needed closure at that time. Also, relationships can fall apart again not by our choice, and we have to somehow find a way of moving on, even if that is not what we wanted at that time.

To the op obvioulsy you did move on, you had no choice, it wasn't what you choose, you moved on because you had to.

Now the feelings you forced yourself to bury have resurfed, because they never went in the first place.

Neway, don't feel bad about your confusion, I can certainly understand and relate, and I appreciate you are here asking for advice on how to handle your feelings, rather then asking for advice on how to cheat without hurting any feelings.

Last edited by brook65; 06-10-2007 at 01:08 PM.

 
Old 06-10-2007, 04:56 PM   #12
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Re: How do deal with ex husband feelings

I have been thinking long and hard about all of the feedback and I appreciate all of it. I am starting to realize and relive the experience and I am feeling some anger about the way it all went down. I know I buried it and it is resurfacing which in the long run is better that I deal with this. I tell you the tears are steady flowing because I was hurt so bad back then.

What you guys said makes so much sense. He totally abandoned me when I was at my lowest. I blamed myself for the depression and driving him away, but now that I think of it if he was a true partner in life he never would have done that to me. I think I always thought of him as a person other than what he is. But, he did divorce again within 12 years of divorcing me and he had 3 kids in between. And, he left me knowing that I lost a child after going through all of the fertility and the miscarriages.

I thought about those two questions on what I wanted. I know I don't ever want to be with my ex again. I am a nostalgiac person who looks at he past with rose colored glasses. I forget or push back the negative because I think I want it to be a certain way when it really isn't. Kind of like Pleasantville, which is one of my favorite movies.

I think it was pure naivety on my part responding to the initial contact. I had no concept of the potential for consequences which was an extreme oversight on my part for sure.

I couldn't talk to any of my friends or family about this cause they would seriously be so upset with me cause they really adore my husband and they helped me pick up the pieces after the breakup and divorce from my ex. I am realizing that these feeling are turning into pain more than anything else. I feel like I need to put all of this out in an email and send it to my ex just to get this all out.

I don't know if I have the strength to tell my husband because I am afraid he will leave me too. But, if he leaves me over this, than maybe he isn't the right person for me anyway.

Last edited by neway; 06-10-2007 at 04:59 PM.

 
Old 06-11-2007, 07:00 AM   #13
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Re: How do deal with ex husband feelings

Firstly I would find out from him why he did actually contact you in the first place? it has upset the apple cart abit

What I personaly would do is to either write a letter or send an email asking everything that you weren't able to ask before.

I should imagine you responded to him in the first place probably through curiosity.

I am not so sure about telling your husband, why cause more confusion and uncertainty for him.

You are just laying some ghosts to rest.

 
Old 06-12-2007, 12:24 AM   #14
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Re: How do deal with ex husband feelings

I wanted to come back and update. I was able to put it all down in email and I got the response I needed. He acknowledged and actually apologized for all that went on. He said he did lament about what happened for years later and felt bad about the way it all went down. That was what I needed to hear. I feel so much better about it and those feelings have been put to rest. I have my closure and it is exactly what I needed.

I really want to thank all of you who took the time to respond, to give me advice, awareness, and to just kind of shake me up. I was desperate when I posted here and I really appreciate all of your help.

 
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