I'm sorry this is so long. It's me rambling and kinda venting.
I was wondering if what I thought was right or wrong. It has to do with my first long term relationship. I'll try to describe everything like it is..and please give me any opinion you may have, good or bad. We're only 17, but were 16 when we met.
I started dating a guy last year in May. I'll try to describe him: He attends church with his family every Sunday and Wednesday, he has since he was born. He's like a clone of his dad, he likes the same music as his dad and everything. His family is like...perfect..they all eat together at the table during dinner, his parents are still together, he doesn't argue with his siblings very much, and he was brought up basically just good. He doesn't do anything wrong, he makes straight A's in school (I seen his transcript...I think he had 2 B's since the beginning of high school), his parents made him learn to play an instrument. I mean really, it's like he was perfect. He hasn't traveled much. He also doesn't believe in divorce, and will not do anything bad at all(drugs, drink, anything). He's still a virgin, and had never kissed a girl until I met him. So he had hardly any real experience with girls.
Me, I'm kinda opposite of him in ways. I've never attended church regularly, only when I was little did I even go. I am a Christian, just not in any organized religion. My parents are divorced, I didn't even meet two of my half sisters until I was around 12 because they were already adults by the time I was born, and were living out of my state. I definitely do not make straight A's at school, I use to get in huge fights with my older sister (like pushing against the wall fights), I have had pretty bad family problems because my mom re-married, and I was raised in a small poor town. When I was in junior high, all of my friends started doing the drugs and sex thing, but I never followed them. I've never done drugs, gotten drunk, and I'm still a virgin. That's how me and him are similar.
We met at school in math class. I actually had to help him in there. (I don't like to do work but I know how) Well, we started talking and figured out we both had this online thing for a console. I don't know if I can say it on here, but pretty much we started playing games together on there. Then he finally asked me out. I actually had a crush on someone else, but I decided to give him a chance. Well, everything was great! We started saying "love" around the 3rd week, bought gifts for each other sometimes, went on dates to the movies. Couldn't drive yet though. He started coming over to my house...and we did go a bit farther than kissing sometimes. But never had sex. I never asked him to because we talked about it, and he said that he wants to wait until he's married. He said that if he ever does start to do that, then I should stop him. I'm proud of him for that. Well, everything was great blah blah...then school started again and we went to lunch together everyday. He didn't like to hug or anything in public, but that was okay by me. Around September we started to hit a little bumps, we weren't arguing and had yet to even get into a fight with each other, but it seemed like we were distancing. Then he asked me to go on a date, and I thought it went great. Well when I got home that night, he called me a broke up with me, very rudely I might add. He said it was because our relationship had turned to nothing but lust, and he didn't love me anymore. I hung up on him because, obviously, I was crying and couldn't stand it. Then when I finally got the courage to call him back, he just said that I'll find someone and hung up on me. Then he wouldn't answer my phone calls. That left me crying until around 12 in the morning.
I don't wanna get all religious and stuff, but I have to mention this part. At 12 in the morning, he hadn't called me back or anything. Well I went into the bathroom and while I was in there decided to pray. I asked that if we couldn't go out, I want to still be friends with him because I don't want him to hate me. Plus, I had pretty much considered him my best friend by then, so it was like losing a best friend too. Well, after I get done praying I go back into my room, and I hear something. So I check my phone, and he had apparently called right then. So I called him back, and he was much nicer that time. He said we could still be friends, and said I was a good girlfriend but he was confused. I was confused about what he said about the lust thing...we hadn't ever even had sex...and I certainly wasn't pressuring him to.
Well, over that weekend he ended up calling me while I was shopping, and by the time the weekend was over we were going back out. After we started dating again, everything went back to being great. Well, almost great. Something I forgot to mention about him is that he's really...really...into looks. His own and others. He seriously went from wearing button up shirts to wearing "cool" blazers and stuff in the time that I went out with him, and I never even asked for the change. It was nice that he wanted to look good for me, but I remind you I DID NOT ask him to do it. Well, after we started going back out he kinda had this opinion thing coming on. He would say what he thinks about my hair and how I dress. He kept asking me when I was going to get my hair fixed, because at the time I had curly hair and it had grown out. I ended up going and getting it re-permed just to make him happy. Well, that was good enough for him for awhile, then he started saying stuff about my shoes. He thought my white tennis shoes were too big. So I actually went to Journey's and spent $40 on a pair of new vans to make him happy. And it did. Then he started commenting on my jeans, like they were too big and didn't fit right. Well, I never got around to fixing that because I didn't wanna spend the money. Then he went back to complaining about my hair...
I did tell him I didn't like for him to constantly try to change what I wear and stuff, and his excuse was that "He changed for me, so why shouldn't I change for him". But I told him...like I tell you...I never asked him to change. It's something he brought on his own. A little after Christmas time, he told me that he doesn't want to say "love" anymore because he's too young to know what love is. That made me sad, but I understand where he's coming from. So we stopped with the "I love you's".
Well then at the beginning of the year I started to have enough. We talked on the phone, and I told him that along with his constant opinions, I also didn't think he was ready for a long term relationship like we had. He hadn't had enough experience with girls, and I don't mean sexually or anything, I mean like how to act around them and what to say. Had I been any other teenage girl, I think I woulda dumped him if he had insulted my hair and clothes like he did. Well, we broke up for like a month then, and during that time we were still talking everyday. He had told me not to date anyone else until he was sure that that's what he wanted to do, so I agreed. Then, the next day, I see him walking to lunch with some other girl. Well, I'm the jealous type, and it made me really mad. Plus he had told me not to look for other guys, and there he was walking with some other chick to lunch. Well...after I got really angry with him for the first time since I've known him...I mean I deleted him on everything I had, he called me and I tried to be nice but I was mad. So then I hung up and wouldn't answer his phone calls. He called around 40 times, but had to go to church because it was Wednesday and finally stopped calling. Well, I finally cooled off and talked to him. The story with the chick at lunch goes like this: He met her in class, she apparently had a bf at another school that she told him she wasn't seeing anymore, well one day while they were eating at lunch, her bf shows up and everything turns uncomfortable because there this guy is, with his gf, eating lunch with her. Well after that, my guy stopped talking to the chick and went back to me. That made me feel like seconds. Oh and I had two guys ask me out in the time that me and him were separated, and I said no to both.
Well, this happens in a course of like 2 weeks, so really we were broken up for a month and 2 weeks, because I made him wait a month before I would go back out with him. Well, then we started dating again, and everything was good. He still commented on my clothes sometimes, and I had my hair straightened to make him happy. The hair straightened thing made me happy too though, but I wouldn't of went through with it so soon had he not bugged me about it. So afterwards, he would make fun of my old curly hair. Like it wasn't me he was making fun of or something. The whole time we dated, he would ask me to go to church with him, and then act like it's my fault that I couldn't because my dad said no. My dad doesn't like for me to ride in a car on busy highways with people he doesn't know well, and his church is in a big city. (We live in a kinda a suburb of it)
I'll continue this in another post...it was too long. Might make it easier to read too.
Well just recently, I broke up with him again...and I'll tell you how it happened. He came over to my house, we watched the movie "Pan's Labyrinth", and while we're laying on my bed talking he starts making comments of how a year is suuchhh a long time. Well I knew where this was leading but I was tryin to avoid it kind of. He kept on saying "A year is a realllly long time" and stuff. On May 23rd we had been dating for a year, thats why he was saying that. Now I can't remember exactly what I said to break up with him, but it was in a way that was like he actually did it. Something like "well if you want to be free I'll let you" or something. After I broke up with him, he made comments like "really? I'm free? Really?" and he was happy and stuff...but it made me sad. I almost wanted to cry. He stayed for an hour more at my house, and we just hung out during that time. What I forgot to mention again is that the time before this break up, I had told him that I would break up with him over summer time so he could date chicks if he wants, and I wouldn't have to see him everyday at school. So it's like I was going through with that. He still calls me....and he told me he misses me and stuff...but it's like I don't feel the same way about him anymore.
It's not like I don't like him like that anymore...it's that I don't want to date him anymore. It's like I think...yeah I love him as a friend and like him alot...but I don't want to date him because we're too different. Our thoughts on things are too different. I don't eat red meat...it's a family thing I was born into...and when we were dating he would constantly make fun of me for that and stuff, and try to get me to eat it. He also would try to get me to learn to drive, even though I don't have a car to learn to drive in yet...and he would tell me I need a job..but I can't get to a job unless I learn to drive. It's not like I wasn't trying to, and I have been driving more since school's been out because I can visit my mom more. I even filled out an application for a job. Just kinda don't want that pressure that he brings back. I'd still do anything for him, but I'm afraid he'll ask me back out because I might say yes, even though I know we really aren't meant for each other. It's like I don't want to hurt him ever.
Some relationships are meant be as "just friends"; and nothing more. Maybe you have found this out. If it works for the both of you, great!
Also, he sounds somewhat controlling. You should never have to change who you are to be with someone. If he's constantly telling you that you should do this or that, or wear a certain something; that's usually not a good sign. Later on I could see things getting bad. Just my feeling as I've been there.
Stand up for yourself and let this one go. Find someone who accepts you as you are; not as what they can turn you into. As my dad always told me, "There's a sea full of fish out there." Take care.
I know we should be just friends, but he still calls me everday. I'm hoping not because he wants to go back out, but instead to be good friends still.
I do think he is controlling to an extent. It is quite possible he will get worse in the future, but I really hope he doesn't for his own sake. My wonder is why he's like that. He is so hooked on looks it's like thats all he cares about. I told him that too, before we broke up, that it seems like he only likes me for my looks. But I'm also not the best looking person, so that's even more confusing I suppose . He is a great guy personality wise, but his opinions on everything can be rather annoying. Especially since he does try to shape people around them.
You are very young. I read your whole post, but to be honest i'm not sure if you still love him or if you are totally over him-it was a bit confusing. He seems to want you to be someone else. A girl with straight hair, different shoes, different jeans what else a different face? You are who you are. The only reason you should change what you look like is if YOU want to. I think it's best that the two of you aren't together. Never say never though, because the two of you are so young maybe one day he'll learn to grow up a bit and you can give it a try. Right now, i think it's best that you're not together anymore.
P.S. You're fine the way you are, don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
Thanks dammie. I don't think I'm going to let anyone try to change me anymore. It's like mental stress almost, like your not good enough ever. I hate that, especially since I do like how I am lol. He also tried to change how I talk actually...he thinks my voice is too deep when I talk around my friends(how we change our tone of voice sometimes). I dunno.
As for waiting until we're older, I agree. He does seem a little immature still....I don't know if its because he hasn't dated other girls or what...but I'll stay friends with him as long as I can. Maybe we won't get together in the future, maybe we will. I have to say my life in great right now, and it's only this relationship thing that's bothering me. But I can move on.
Whether you stay friends with this guy or not - be yourself! He clearly has an image of his "perfect girl" in his head and will try to mould his partner to fit this. She will never quite make it, though. The controlling is the real aim in this. I think you are well out of it, by not continuing the relationship with him.
Do you think that he will grow out of being controlling? Like if he dates other girls...maybe he'll realize from how they react to his demands that it's wrong to try to change people. I never got angry with him really for trying to change me, and I think that's what he needs. He needs someone to tell him no when he says that stuff. That's just my opinion, I could never bring myself to say that to him for some reason. I'm pretty sure at this point that I'm not going to continue to date him however.
I think he's being controlling by calling you every day. It's as if he's keeping you on an emotional leash. Most people on here will tell you that it's awfully hard--if not impossible--to stay friends with someone they've dated. Not staying friends does not make you a bad person, so don't let him make you feel guilty about that too. You could even say that you still want to be "friends" but not talk every day. My best friend and I don't talk every day. Sometimes, it's nicer when you just get together with someone once and awhile. I think you're expecting too much from yourself. Give yourself some space to figure out what's best for you, without him guilting you. Go out with some other guys. If he's free, you are too. He won't like it...but ignore his tantrums. Just move on and know you are doing the right thing.