Not an experienced dater - help - Relationship Health Message Board

sognoazzuro · 06-20-2007, 08:04 PM

I am so confused right now - there are so many factors playing on my situation I would really appreciate some advice!

My dating history is short - one guy for 8 months over 4 years ago. The next guy after that I dated for a week and lost my virginity to. And so I wasn't expecting to meet anyone else since I had been single for 4 years. I recently moved to another state 1000 miles away from where I grew up and lived my whole life (i'm 22) and 3 weeks before I left, I met a guy.

We crammed all these fun dating activities into those 3-3 1/2 weeks that I was home. After about the 4th date I felt so comfortable and close to him - we had sex and it felt right and it was amazing. I really wish I didn't have to move because he was a very genuine person to me.

The only problem is that he isnt this knight in shining armor that Ive always wanted to sweep me off my feet. I want to say that from being single for so long I narrowed down to a T the type of guy I wanted to meet. I didn't just want to date anyone. And I formed this "ideal person" because I want to date someone for a very long time, 4-7 years before we get married (because so many marriages fall apart nowadays and people turn into different people that the other one never thought possible!)

So everythings great - except that theres a major something missing and I think its the fact that physically he doesnt fit the guy I wanted. I wanted someone with brown hair, great smile, italian if possible (I'm italian/irish). I hear you tend to want to marry a man who is similar to your father if you have a good relationship with your father. I was thinking more along the lines of someone I could be hardcore attracted to and someone my family would love too. I also want someone who is just hands down handsome to me. Now I'm not aiming for a Brad Pitt lookalike - but I know who looks "hot" to me and who doesnt.

This guy is adorable, but I dont think that all the time. He worships me - he loves everything about me and has told me that if I lost 50 lbs or gained 50lbs he would still love everything about me. I rock his world, but he just doesnt quite do it for me.

I want to say that being apart doesn't help restore the faith in our relationship, and also the lack of physical attractiveness doesnt help either. I feel like I'm pushing myself away from him for no reason. I think about what is important in a marriage, and just because we're dating doesnt mean we have to get married but thats of course what my ultimate goal is. he would take care of me, he would do everything in his power to make me happy. i think he would make a great companion. and losing weight is something that he has control over. That would make me more attracted to him, but he is still a redhead and I'm not all that sure that I'm attracted to that.

I feel horrible that I'm being such a shallow person. I guess I'm having a hard time deciding if its worth it to stay with him because I'm young and marriage is far far down this road with him or with anyone, or break it off because im already in doubt.

Seraph · 06-21-2007, 02:08 AM

This must be hard for you to deal with. I feel that if there is something not quite right now, that is not going to magically disappear by itself at some future point. Having said that, stranger things have happened and a life's partner may not take our dream-form. Give him a chance, don't dismiss him totally out of hand. it is good that you have the chance to step back and have a good look, also to test the strength of your feelings. You may start to miss his un-ideal self, and remember his qualities that DID attract and hold you.

happymom28 · 06-21-2007, 07:02 AM

I agree that if you feel there is something missing or not quite right now then chances are it's not goint to be there 6 months down the road. However, you have built up this standard in your mind that I think you are going to have a hard time finding any man that is going to fit it perfectly.

You are probably going to date a lot of guys before you find the "one". Try not to worry so much about them fitting this standard and get to know them for who they are and what they have to offer. You may find the "one" is nothing like you ever pictured him to be. Above all else have fun dating. You don't need to be exclusive with anyone at this point. You are young and admittedly inexperienced in dating. You will learn in time that you can't always make dating fit a "plan" that you have set out for yourself. Get to know new people where you are living now. Meeting new friends will increase your chances of finding the right guy, which I don't think the one you speak on now is.