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Old 06-21-2007, 12:03 AM   #1
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I'm in love with a girl whose boyfriend is a friend of mine

This is fairly lengthy. I appreciate you reading it.

I fell in love with a girl in the 9th grade in high school. Over the course of the year, I liked her more and more until my feelings for her peaked at the end of the school year. I liked her a lot and I had a good feeling she liked me (though I never knew for sure). Unfortunately I was stupid and never made a move.

A couple years later I left high school and a couple years after that I moved to a city an hour away to pursue post-secondary education. I was in this city for a year and a half altogether. About five months into living in the city, I was walking home from school one day and saw her kissing a friend of mine at a bus stop. I was pretty shocked to see her again (I hadn't seen her in two and a half years). It turned out that she had recently started dating this friend of mine and she was visiting for a day. I wasn't jealous at all; I was still just so surprised to see her again. The next day she left and my friend ended up breaking up with her a month later because he wanted to be with his ex-girlfriend.

Six months after that (ten months ago), I visited my family for the weekend back in my old city. I found out that she was now dating a different friend of mine (they had started dating in July 2006). As soon as I found this information out, now I had become jealous, and I started to feel something. The next day I ended up seeing her through my friend, and suddenly all the emotions that I had for her in high school came rushing back to me. And for the last ten months, all I've been able to think about all day, everyday is her. I've been whole-heartedly in love with her for the last ten months and I want nothing more in the world than to be with her. The problem is she's still dating my friend. Some of you may think, "Oh, don't bother; dangerous territory. There are plenty of other fish in the sea." However...

I've been on this earth for 20 years, and in those 20 years I've met plenty of girls... all manner and types of girls. And out of all the girls I've ever met, I've never met anyone who has even come within a mile of this girl. She is far and away the most intelligent, most beautiful, most passionate, most caring, coolest person I've ever met. She and I have a staggering number of things in common (not just interests, but also passions and goals in life). We are also both very romantic people (she once wrote her first boyfriend 100 poems for Valentine's Day, kissing each one with lipstick). I know we would be absolutely perfect for each other, and if we started dating, I know it will last for the rest of our lives. I moved back to my old city a few months ago where she lives and I see her fairly often through my friend. She and I are pretty good friends and we can have really good conversations at the drop of a hat. I know she has the capacity to love me, but the only thing standing in her way is her boyfriend.

I never thought she and my friend were very compatible (I'm still surprised they're together. They get along just fine, but they really are two completely different people). They've been dating for 11 months with no visible problems. I know they've had small issues before, but that's normal. However, I know they don't love each other (at least, she doesn't love him; she took a random survey on Facebook and when a question asked if she was in love, she replied with "...in like?"). So they've just been going on "like" for 11 months now, and frankly, if it hasn't turned into love yet, I don't know that it ever will. And she seems like the kind of person who wants love in a relationship (like I said, she's a romantic). I like my friend a lot and I don't want to cause tension or at worse lose a friend, but I'd do anything to be with her. Basically, if I had to choose between her or oxygen, I'd choose her, because at least for about a minute or a minute and a half, I'd be with the girl I love.

Often I wonder what she's doing with him when we both know we're perfect for each other (well, I know... she probably hasn't realized it yet). I'm not sure if she likes me even a little bit or not. I'm sure she realizes that we have a ton in common, and everytime we talk we always maintain eye contact the entire time the other person's talking. Many times it seems she singles me out specifically and we have something special, but other times it doesn't quite seem that way. She's very hard to read. However, if she were single and I asked her out, she would definitely say yes... it's just her boyfriend.

If you've read this far, I thank you very much for enduring my story. So... what should I do? And "forget her and move on" isn't an option in case you haven't noticed. I will be with her somehow, I just don't quite know the course of action I should be taking. Should I tell her how I feel, should I build our relationship a little more then tell her? Should I wait for them to break up? etc...?

Thank you.

 
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Old 06-21-2007, 01:02 AM   #2
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Re: I'm in love with a girl whose boyfriend is a friend of mine

As I have said before, why does chemistry strike so often when it is impossible?? It is not fair sometimes. However, Jack, the main thing on my mind is that you have never spoken to this girl about how you feel. What would happen if you did, and she said "You are a sweet guy, but......" Would your life be over? You have put a lot of your hopes into this girl without having any idea whether or not she would or could reciprocate. The options that you have are; tell her in some way, preferably through a third party, how you feel; forget her; or wait patiently til she is between bfs. I think the the first option is pretty risky, that is why a third party would be better, just to test the waters - the second is what you definitely DON'T want to do. That leaves option #3 which is a bit discouraging, and this is going to be hard to pull off without coming off like a stalker (as you would have to be informed about her state of bf-ness). I think your only hope is option #1, at least to get her attention and see what comes of it. Good luck, Sera

 
Old 06-21-2007, 02:39 AM   #3
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Re: I'm in love with a girl whose boyfriend is a friend of mine

This is a beautiful story. It hasn't happened to me in many years now. I mean being deeply in love for the first time. First time?

I can't say anything about this girl, although she seems to be somewhat volatile and maybe insecure. But you, you are the prototype of a Romantic!

Something I didn't get: are you living in the same town/city as her? If so, do you get to see her regularly? In this case, forgetting about her and moving on would be very hard for you.

The way-out is for you to approach her and ask her out. I know, I know, you are concerned about your friend. But if you are sure this girl is your soul-mate, if you are not acting just out of jealousy and if you are willing to commit yourself to this relationship, then go for it: you will be doing everybody a favour by realizing your love for this girl.

However, as Sera puts it, be prepared for any response from her. Even if she says NO, it may be not the ultimate response. Be patient, in any case.

Good luck.

 
Old 06-21-2007, 06:04 AM   #4
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Re: I'm in love with a girl whose boyfriend is a friend of mine

To the OP, I think you should tell her. You've waited 6 years already-match your behaviours with your words.

To pendelum: Please clarify why you labelled this girl volatile and maybe insecure. I don't get it. The OP said they were both romantic and yet she got labelled as volatile and he a "prototype romantic!". I would think he is actually more insecure b/c he can see an exclusive, committed future with someone he's never dated, he finds NO fault with her, AND he hasn't told her how he felt in SIX years. To top it off, he said he'd give up oxygen for her, but is deliberating on whether or not to actually express his feelings, a way less extreme show of his love. Im sorry, but in my books, all these romantic feelings if unexpressed to the the object of affection should be saved for poetry because in life, thoughts can only get you so far-as the OP's situation clearly demonstrates.

Last edited by jozi209; 06-21-2007 at 06:06 AM.

 
Old 06-21-2007, 09:56 AM   #5
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Re: I'm in love with a girl whose boyfriend is a friend of mine

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Originally Posted by jozi209 View Post
To the OP, I think you should tell her. You've waited 6 years already-match your behaviours with your words.

To pendelum: Please clarify why you labelled this girl volatile and maybe insecure. I don't get it. The OP said they were both romantic and yet she got labelled as volatile and he a "prototype romantic!". I would think he is actually more insecure b/c he can see an exclusive, committed future with someone he's never dated, he finds NO fault with her, AND he hasn't told her how he felt in SIX years. To top it off, he said he'd give up oxygen for her, but is deliberating on whether or not to actually express his feelings, a way less extreme show of his love. Im sorry, but in my books, all these romantic feelings if unexpressed to the the object of affection should be saved for poetry because in life, thoughts can only get you so far-as the OP's situation clearly demonstrates.
Wow... I've actually posted this situation on a number of forums and received several responses, but I think this is the best one yet. It kind of reminds me of the scene from Collateral where Tom Cruise makes Jamie Foxx realize he's living a worthless life. Anyway...

Yes, I certainly don't see how you (Pendulum) would think she's possibly volatile and insecure from what I've posted; I can assure you that she's not. And yes, if anything, I'm the insecure one because I seem to be having a really hard time living my life without her.

So okay, that was quite motivational. "Get busy livin', or get busy dyin'", I guess. So jozi, how do you think I should tell her?

I think this guy represents my current state of mental clarity:

 
Old 06-21-2007, 10:29 AM   #6
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Re: I'm in love with a girl whose boyfriend is a friend of mine

Ok. The "prototype of a Romantic" means, unless my English is wrong, the classic Romantic. After reading his self-description, it is hard to think that he could be otherwise. There was no offense in my opinion about him. Really.

As for the girl, I meant no offense, either. To me, she appeared to be volative, because within a short period of time she was dating a second guy (wasn't she?), and yet neither was the love of her life. That was why I thought of her in terms of being insecure. As if she was still searching, but couldn't realize that her "real" love is just at her side. Both being volatile and being insecure belong to the Romantic type. Yet, I feel that our friend is even more romantic than her. Don't know exactly why.

Anyway, I was speculating somewhat, but I never intended to be or appear disdainful of other people's feelings and behaviour.

 
Old 06-21-2007, 11:55 AM   #7
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Re: I'm in love with a girl whose boyfriend is a friend of mine

well if both of you are on the same romantic wave..then write her a letter. explain to her how you fell in love with her many years ago but wasn't able to tell her. then when you saw her for the first after all those years the feelings came rushing back. and you couldn't live another day without her at least knowing how you feel. but let her know that you will understand if she doesn't have the same feelings. you just want her to know.

keep us updated of course...
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Old 06-21-2007, 12:30 PM   #8
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Re: I'm in love with a girl whose boyfriend is a friend of mine

Jack,

Do you and this girl ever talk about other girls for you? What's her reaction? Does she seem jealous? Since you're single, I'm surprised your friends haven't tried to set you up with anyone. Do you think this girl would be supportive of you meeting other girls or not?

You say she's been with this boyfriend for 11 months. That is a long time in my opinion - almost an entire year!

Anyway, if you really can't live without her than I think you need to do something about it. This way you can either walk away knowing you did all you could do or be with your soulmate. If you're not the straightforward type, then perhaps drop hints. When you guys are alone, say something like "I wish I could meet someone like you." Or "I wish I met you before you starting dating so-and-so..." and see what her reaction is.

 
Old 06-21-2007, 01:49 PM   #9
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Re: I'm in love with a girl whose boyfriend is a friend of mine

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Jack,

Do you and this girl ever talk about other girls for you? What's her reaction? Does she seem jealous? Since you're single, I'm surprised your friends haven't tried to set you up with anyone. Do you think this girl would be supportive of you meeting other girls or not?
No, we've never talked about my love life. We also never talk about her relationship with my friend. If she saw me strictly as a friend, she would probably talk about it somewhat, wouldn't she? Maybe this is a hint that she knows we had feelings for each other in high school? I don't know...





Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
Ok. The "prototype of a Romantic" means, unless my English is wrong, the classic Romantic. After reading his self-description, it is hard to think that he could be otherwise. There was no offense in my opinion about him. Really.

As for the girl, I meant no offense, either. To me, she appeared to be volative, because within a short period of time she was dating a second guy (wasn't she?), and yet neither was the love of her life. That was why I thought of her in terms of being insecure. As if she was still searching, but couldn't realize that her "real" love is just at her side. Both being volatile and being insecure belong to the Romantic type. Yet, I feel that our friend is even more romantic than her. Don't know exactly why.

Anyway, I was speculating somewhat, but I never intended to be or appear disdainful of other people's feelings and behaviour.
No offense taken. She asked her current boyfriend out four months after her last one broke up with her. Before the one before who broke up with her, she was in a long-term relationship with her first boyfriend (the one for whom she wrote 100 poems). She was in love with him (clearly), but he ended up moving to the other side of the world and I think she felt less and less appreciated in their long-distance relationship (for example, she wrote him a poem and he said something like "Oh, it would take 100 of these for me to come home." So she wrote him 100 poems for Valentine's Day and he never came home). She was good friends with her next boyfriend and she ended her long-distance relationship and dated him shortly afterward. Even though they only lasted a month, she may have loved him (he's a very romantic person and one hell of a charmer). However, her current boyfriend isn't much of a romantic at all.

 
Old 06-21-2007, 06:34 PM   #10
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Re: I'm in love with a girl whose boyfriend is a friend of mine

She writes poetry?? Jack, that is perfect! Put your head down and write her a poem, something about love from afar, expressing your honest feelings about her. It is so romantic, and she sounds as if romance is important to her. Make it a narrative in the third person, maybe, it won't be too confronting for her.Sera

 
Old 06-22-2007, 02:15 PM   #11
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Re: I'm in love with a girl whose boyfriend is a friend of mine

*********... I don't know...

I seemed to be sticking with the plan of me telling her, but all it takes is something small for me to completely turn the other way and change my mind. I was driving home today and on my way I saw her and her boyfriend walking to work (they work at the same place), holding hands. They looked happy.

I'm just afraid that if I express my feelings now when she's probably pretty content, she will turn me down, whereas if she were single or weren't happy in her relationship, she would say yes.

 
Old 06-22-2007, 03:43 PM   #12
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Re: I'm in love with a girl whose boyfriend is a friend of mine

ok i didn't read every single post in this thread but while reading the first one, that "jesse's girl" 80's song kept running through my head.. i wonder why.. well i too have a mad crush on a "friend" and am thinking about what i'm going to do about it...its complicated in my case though..

a couple of things..i think you use the term "friend" loosely when describing this guy. you dont sound as if you two are close at all but just merely acquaintances. if you are real "friends", as in hang out "friends", help you when you're down "friends" then i'd say definitely sit on it. that type of friendship is rare and its not worth throwing that away over some girl. if you're not that close then...not so sure...i'm just not a big fan of coming between people who are already together regardless of how compatible or happy they "seem". you never know the whole story.

so..in the end..if i were you, especially at your age, i'd sit on it. at this age, every girl you see and kinda like and have things in common with will seem like the best thing since slice bread. all it takes is the next one like her you meet and you'll likely forget about her.

 
Old 06-22-2007, 03:48 PM   #13
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Re: I'm in love with a girl whose boyfriend is a friend of mine

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Originally Posted by Lance0204 View Post
ok i didn't read every single post in this thread but while reading the first one, that "jesse's girl" 80's song kept running through my head.. i wonder why.. well i too have a mad crush on a "friend" and am thinking about what i'm going to do about it...its complicated in my case though..

a couple of things..i think you use the term "friend" loosely when describing this guy. you dont sound as if you two are close at all but just merely acquaintances. if you are real "friends", as in hang out "friends", help you when you're down "friends" then i'd say definitely sit on it. that type of friendship is rare and its not worth throwing that away over some girl. if you're not that close then...not so sure...i'm just not a big fan of coming between people who are already together regardless of how compatible or happy they "seem". you never know the whole story.

so..in the end..if i were you, especially at your age, i'd sit on it. at this age, every girl you see and kinda like and have things in common with will seem like the best thing since slice bread. all it takes is the next one like her you meet and you'll likely forget about her.
I thank you for taking the time out to offer me advice, and I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but did you read a single thing I wrote?

 
Old 06-22-2007, 05:02 PM   #14
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Re: I'm in love with a girl whose boyfriend is a friend of mine

Jack I'm sorry, I don't mean to spoil things for you - but personally I think you should not declare your feelings for this girl, all the time she is involved with someone elses.

She knows you are single, and if there is a connection between you both, and she feels the same as you, and would rather be with you then your friend, then it is up to her to end things with her boyfriend.

Maybe she is fond of you and feels a connection, but she is dating your friend, I would not interfere with confessing your feelings all the time she's with him.

If you feel she is worth waiting for, and he is not the guy for her, then in time if you wait she may well become single, and then you are free to confess your feelings.

 
Old 06-22-2007, 05:53 PM   #15
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Re: I'm in love with a girl whose boyfriend is a friend of mine

I think you should print exactly what you wrote on this site and all the responses that you have received and mail it to her. Let her be at home alone to read it and think about it, then she will know just how you feel and what we all think. Let the ball be in her court; then she can then decide what she wants. Maybe she will just ignore it or maybe she will dump the other guy and be with you. Don't spend the rest of your life wondering "what if"

 
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