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Old 06-24-2007, 06:53 AM   #1
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mixtinn HB User
Father and his children..

Hey everyone,
Hope someone can give me some imput.. I have been divorced for 6 yrs now.. My ex has married again.. its been 3 yrs hes been with her.. My kids are 13,16,18... Since my ex has been with the new wife.. He just seems like he doesn't care about my kids anymore..
The new wife does not have kids, doesn't like kids.. and is money hurgry, just wants my ex all to himself...
Ive had the tipical teenage problems with my oldest with drinking etc.. He went through the state of wanting to live with dad.. DAd would say no.. Its your moms responsiblity.. Even when it comes to the chid being in the hospital he doesn't come.. nothing..
He sees the kids twice a month.. in between he doesn't talk to them... The new wife writes me letters telling me never to call over there again.. Which I call like every three months, only if its a serious problems about the kids.. I should say I use to call.. AFter the nasty letter I got last, which the wife handed to my daughter and told my daughter.. give this to your mom and tell her never to call here... now I won't.. My middle son is having major surgery in July.. I won't tell him.. My oldest did... and so did grandmom.. He hasn't even tried to talk to my son or nothing..
It all a mess..
My daughter just had a dance show.. There were only two tickets.. of course she wanted mom and dad to go... dad told her straight out. that its not going to happen.. She cryed so bad to him.. begging for him to come.. he said not unless his wife could come.. my poor daughter broke out in hives all over.. She said can't you do it for me.. He won't... I
I feel so bad for the kids.. In the future their are things that are going to come up where mom and dad should be there.. like graduations etc..
I just don't get it.. He called and told my kids that he wasn't taking them on fathers day.. He just does what he wants.. no communcation with me at all.. So I wake up that SAT... thinking ok.. there going over.. Its a mess.
The new wife asked my daughter why she hated her so much.. my daughter said.. cuase I hate when you talk about my mom all the time. about my mom needs to work.. My daughter started crying.. She said, my mom has a medical problem.. She can't help it. she's trying to get better.. thats why shes going in thehospital all the time.. the wife turned around and said.. your mom is lazy.. all she wants is our money.. Which I don't....
What I want is my kids to have a reationship with their father.. My middle son hasn't talked to his father in two yrs.. The father sends xmas gifts to my other two.. and not my one.. no birthdays nothing.. I just don't know how to handle this anymore.. I want the best for my kids.. I want to do right.. Should I be forcing my kids to see their father and put up with this.. I don't know anymore.. I have talked to the father over and over about this.. I told the father how much the kids are hurting.. I even told him that his one son drew a picture of him and dad.. The picture showed my son pointing something to his head.. with blood all over it... The father said. to me.. Your jumping into conclusions.. I said.. no.. This is a child who is hurting.. big time.. I tired counciling.. The father won't go.. My oldest is bipolar.. I have him in counciling and the father was asked to go by the dr.. and the father won't.. I do not get it at all... How can you hurt your kids so much.. They would be better off if he would just back away all together.. This way I feel like their heads are like ping pong balls..
Has anyone else gone through something like this that may have suggestions for me.. I don't know what to do anymore....
They keep telling me that they hate dad and dad doesn't care about them. and all dad cares about is is new wife
I tell them, dad loves you.. he just needs to think about things.. but I know deep in you fathers heart he loves you...
Any suggestions???
I would love to hear some input from both sides.. one being the father and step mom and the kids view on it....
I would do anything for my kids... even to become friends with the new wife.. (not that it will ever happen).
Michelle

 
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Old 06-24-2007, 07:36 AM   #2
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,650
Laylah HB User
Re: Father and his children..

You poor thing Michelle, my heart really goes out to you, you are obviously in so much pain. Obviously your ex husband is a total b@stard who is so wrapped up in his new wife he's forgotten his responsibilities to his own kids. I think all you can do is organise counselling for your kids, as you havent been sucessful in making your ex see sense. I think unfortunately he will eventually come to see sense when his relationship with this woman has gone down the pan, his kids are gone and want nothing to do with him, and he has nothing left to show for his decisons but regret for the mistakes that he's made.

I'd have as little personal contact with this man as possible from now on if I were you, but I'd say the all of the above to him as a parting shot.

His new wife is obviously warped with jealousy. I was in the position of step-mother until recently and I was truly dealing with the mother from hell in so far as my bf's sons mother was concerned, but she was still welcome to call here in relation to her child. I used to drop him to her door sometimes if his father was working or it didnt suit him otherwise to do it. There's no need for an attitude like hers. It's likely her jealousy wont stop at you and will go on to poision the relationship. Comfort yourself with that thought!

 
Old 06-24-2007, 08:46 AM   #3
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Re: Father and his children..

Wow, I almost feel it would take the wisdom of Solomon to solve this one. This is a very troubling, difficult problem and I'm so sorry for you and your kids. I wish I had even one word of wisdom for you. All I can say is it's fortunate your kids have you to love and support them. I dont' really know what you can tell your kids as a way of explanation. Kids should not be expected or asked to solve or even understand adult issues and problems. I guess all you can tell your kids is that their dad loves them the only way he knows how to, and you're sorry it's not always the way they wish he could love them. If you know an event is coming up, like a concert or recital, do you have a friend you could invite along to take up the extra ticket? Try to avoid giving them a chance to ask or invite dad along if they are only going to be disappointed. I know you want them to have a good relationship with their father, but in order for that to happen, their father must want it too, and he just doesn't, and you can't change that, so stop trying. They can go over to visit when they are scheduled to and spend time with him, but when they are not scheduled to see him, do your best to make life without dad as fun and supported as possible. I think it will only cause them more disappointment and more pain to keep the "oh, i wish your dad were here, I'm going to try to get him here," kind of attitude. He doesn't want to be there, so stop hanging their happiness and yours on him being there.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 06-24-2007 at 08:49 AM.

 
Old 06-24-2007, 01:42 PM   #4
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Location: The UK
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Nina000 HB User
Re: Father and his children..

I agree with Larrylou's mum, you need to protect your children by exposing them less to his rejection, that is, by keeping contact with him as formal as possible. It is A LOT MORE damaging to have a dad who rejects you than not to have one at all. Their insistence to invite mum and dad together, while understandable, can be misinterpreted as you using them to get together with him. I am not suggesting that this is the case at all, but this is how his new wife sees it, and if he is subdued by her then there is little you can do. I would make the kids feel wanted rather than get involved in this cycle. At 13, 16 and 18 they may be more able to understand this unfortunate situation, but really for the sake of their self-esteem I would distance them completely from his influence. You raised them alone for that long, you don't need him now.

Last edited by Nina000; 06-24-2007 at 01:43 PM.

 
Old 06-24-2007, 03:18 PM   #5
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mmarie76 HB User
Re: Father and his children..

Hi Michelle,

I am a stepmom to my husband's daughter. She is 9 years old. He was never married to her mom, but that doesn't change the situation any. I must admit that if she asked her father to attend her dance recital without me because there were only 2 tickets and one was being used by her mom, I would be very irritated; however, I would not forbid him to go. Knowing my husband, though, he wouldn't want to go because he'd feel awkward. When we first started dating, we were invited to a birthday party for his daughter at her mom's house. I was actually excited to go and thought we were attending. At the last minute he decided not to go and I was shocked. He said that he felt wierd and uncomfortable going there when no one from his side would be there except us.

As for your husband not caring to see your and his children, that's just horrible. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I'm heartbroken for your children. I would never ask my husband not to see his daughter because I know how much he loves her. I'm not a saint, though, by any means. I do get jealous, but I don't say ANYTHING to my stepdaughter and NEVER will. That's just a crazy emotion I have to deal with, it's my problem and I'm working hard to correct it. My reason for jealousy is that I can't have children. It really complicates my life--the jealousy, that is. I admit that sometimes I wish that she would never exist and I become really frustrated with our living situation. I feel so guilty for being jealous. All children need both their parents to love them as much as possible.

Maybe your ex-husband's wife is bitter because she actually can't have kids, not that she doesn't want kids. You may never find that information out.

There are people out there, unbelievably, that don't like kids. I could never understand that. Or maybe her father was the same way. Maybe she feels she needs all his attention for herself. None of those possibilities excuse the way BOTH of them are behaving.

I agree with the others that setting your kids up for more dissappointment will only hurt them more. As you've said, they've already formed an opinion about their dad's actions towards them. I know they are suffering emotionally. Do you have family members to support you and your children emotionally? Try to show them how much love they are surrounded by from others beside their father. It's his loss for not wanting to see them and that they did nothing wrong.

Sorry my response is so long. I wish I could give you the perfect solution. I can only try to imagine what it would be like to have a father that never wanted to see me. It would crush me. Please take care and be strong for your kids. I'm sorry you have to deal with any of it.

MM

 
Old 06-24-2007, 03:55 PM   #6
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mixtinn HB User
Re: Father and his children..

Hi everyone thanks so much for your responses.. I don't understand what she would be jealous about. I am not married but Ive been living with the same man for almost 5 yrs.. I don't want ex at all.. I never call over there.. Maybe every three months.. To talk about insurance etc.. Like I said.. My oldest had alot problems with drinking.. and it was always at dads house.. And I would call to let him know what he's doing.. kept an eye on him.. Everything is under my name, car, insurance, ... When My son would freak out and start throwing things.. My daughter would call dad and ask for his help.. He would tell her its moms problem.. Everything is my problem..
I have never met this new wife.. or do I want to.. As for the dance.. We could only get two tickets that was the problem.. or I would of got more..
My middle son has gone through so much crap with his father.. When dad got married he choose my oldest son to be in the wedding.. for the bachlor party they went golfing. didn't invite the other son.. He got braces for my oldest.. (when we were still together) . not for my middle son.. This new wife of his, dictates my ex whole life.. Hey.. I have no problem even talking to the new wife if its all about jealousy.. I don't have to talk to him.. Just let him know things if I tell her.. He refuses to go to school meetings, she won't let him.. Even an emergency room to see his son.. I don't get it..
As for being a step mom.. Don't be jealous.. I know you can't have kids.. but the best thing you can do for that little girl is be there for her.. In my ex wifes case.. She doesn't want kids.. She told my ex mother-in-law.. She told my daughter..thank god your not any younger I wouldn't be able to deal with you....
I use to try to fix the situation with my midde son and his father.. I would call dad and tell him how hurt he is.. He would say.. it is what it is.. this is my new life now.. My middle son sat me down and said.. Mom... I don't want to talk to dad.. so stop trying.. he sad when ever he does try it messes his head up more and he messes up in school etc.. So to me mom. I don't have a dad anymore.. Ifeel so bad for them..
My kids know I am here for them.. even when my oldest is suppose to be at dad.. he's always here..
I guess I have to accept that this is the way it is.. But I will never understand the jealousy part.. my boydfirend sees his ex all the time, when it comes to the kids stuff.. It doesn't bother me a bit.. I guess shes insecure.. thats the only thing I can think...
well thank you all again..
Michelle

 
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