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Old 06-26-2007, 09:37 AM   #1
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Am I overreacting to this porn issue?

Hi! Im hoping someone out there will give me some much needed feedback on this issue in my life. I have been dating someone for a little over ten months now. When we started dating, I quickly discovered he liked to look at porn quite a bit, had the usual taps and looked online. He is also very confident with woman ( cocky), thinks he is the best with woman, in and out of bed. From what I know he started looking at pornography when he was really young, and his father almost incouraged it. Him and his father are very similar in the way they preceive woman.
Anyways, so at first I was too shy to say anything when I started finding the taps and the URL's of porn websites in his computer. I didnt think I had a place to say anythign at this point. But what I found most disturbing, that I kept to myself, was that while I was off working two jobs, I know knew he was sitting at home all day getting off to porno, unemployeed. And when I would get home from work, he would be all reved up, expecting something from me..
It quickly started bothering me, especially when I looked at the content of the porn his was watching. I started telling him how much it bothered me. I felt disrespected and disqusting after getting into bed with him after knowing what he had been looking at. Porno really bothers me, deeply. I think it is very demeaning to woman and puts huge pressure on woman and how they are to be expected to preform in the bedroom. It just really disqusted me.

Today, he has stopped looked at porn on thecomputer and gave me his taps to stash away. He keeps saying " hes not allowed watching porn because his girlfriend says so.." but I dont want that on my conscious either!

Am I overreacting? Is porn not that big of a deal? Does it bother any other woman out there? And if yes, would you continue to see the guy if he continues to watch it behind your back, and even lies about it?
This issue is really BUGGING me, and advice would help a lot !
Thanks a bunch!

 
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Old 06-26-2007, 09:49 AM   #2
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Re: Am I overreacting to this porn issue?

I don't think porn itself is an issue. If he were just looking once in a while that would be a completely different story. The issue here is he is unemployed (with you supporting him I assume) looking at and getting off on porn all day long while you are out working. Then he expects you to be the outlet of all his "pent up desire" (I couldn't find a better way to put it)? I don't think so.

Him saying "I'm not allowed to look at porn because my girlfriend says so" is a little childish. Again, I don't think him looking at the porn is the issue. It's the lifestyle choices he is making because of his addiction to it (and yes, when it takes over your life in such a manner it is an addiction).

I think this is always going to be an issue you have. This is how he was brought up to view women and porn. I don't think you are going to influence it at this stage in the game. You may be better off finding a man who views these things the same way you do.

 
Old 06-26-2007, 10:11 AM   #3
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Re: Am I overreacting to this porn issue?

I think porn is okay if the couple agrees to watch it together and it is a helpful aid in their love making. The key being that BOTH people want to watch it and they do it together. I think sometimes watching a movie together can help add excitement to a sexual relationship when needed. That being said, I think the biggest thing you have to consider is not how much it bothers other people-but rather, how much it bothers YOU. That is truly what matters. Just because other women may say they believe it is okay, that is not going to change how you truly feel about it. I was the same way in the past always wondering if I was overreacting- but the truth is we are all individuals and what may be okay for some of us may be totally unacceptable in the eyes of another. Please do not settle for less than want you truly want and need. If you want to be with a man that does not place emphasis on porn than that is who you should be with. You have to think about your own happiness and what you are willing to live with and what you will not put up with. Noone is perfect we all have to learn to accept our partner's faults and little quirks-but we also have to weigh the consequences of accepting those things. The person you should want to be with is someone that makes you feel like the only person in the world-that person is out there. Hopefully you can find a way to resolve this issue that is best suited for you. Take care and best of luck. And never forgetON'T SETTLE!

 
Old 06-26-2007, 11:01 AM   #4
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Re: Am I overreacting to this porn issue?

This man sounds to me like a bone idle perv with zero respect for women or himself, if it's the truth you're looking for OP, and I'd consider any one of those very good grounds to leave him.

 
Old 06-26-2007, 11:12 AM   #5
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Re: Am I overreacting to this porn issue?

I also don't think porn is the main issue, it's a compatibility/rules for life issue. A lasting relationship requires shared values and life philosophies. If you have zero tolerance for porn, you are most certainly allowed to. It also deeply disturbs me as well, and I wouldn't want to date anyone who had more than a very very casual passing interest in it. It's not a matter of you overreacting to it, it's a matter of you having one value system and him having another.

I think when you date someone you have to accept them as they are. We all have to make compromises, but there's a line between compromising and becoming someone you aren't to please the other person. You shouldn't have to bite your tongue and put up with being with a man who looks at porn if you think it's disgusting, and he shouldn't have to give it up if he's only going to end up resenting you for it. It could very well be you guys just aren't well suited enough, and perhaps you need to keep looking.

 
Old 06-26-2007, 01:02 PM   #6
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Re: Am I overreacting to this porn issue?

It would have to be excessive and interupting my life and/or his for porn to bother me. Some porn is really disgusting and degrading to me, and other stuff just seems like harmless fun.

But I agree with the other posters who said that it doesn't sound like porn is your boyfriend's real issue here. If porn and his upbringing have given him a negative view of women, than that's what you have to watch out for. And if he's lying to you, and sneaking around behind your back.. that's blantently disrespectful to you.

If he is willing to lessen the amount of porn he looks at, then maybe its something you can compromise on as well. You shouldn't have to tolerate his porn if you feel really strongly about it... but if that his the biggest strike against him, the maybe you can consider a compromise.

But... if he disrespects you that's something that definitely should not be tolerated. I think you two either need to come to a compromised agreement, or settle on the fact that you have different ideals that aren't compatible.

 
Old 06-26-2007, 02:07 PM   #7
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Re: Am I overreacting to this porn issue?

Like others have said, I think it's more of a compatibility thing. You can ask 10 different women what their views are on porn and get 10 different answers. Heck, you can ask me 10 different days of the month and get a few different answers depending on where the hormone levels are

What would really bother me is his comment about not being able to watch porn because his girlfriend says so. Sorry, but I just find that extremely rude and hurtful. It's not completely unheard of that some women find porn offensive -- and I'm sure your BF is aware of this. To make a comment like that would just make me wonder how much time and energy I'd want to put into a guy like that. And it wouldn't really matter what the topic could be about. He's accepted you and committed to changing something about himself. Now he's saying things like he can't look at his pix because his girlfriend says so?

Why are you with this guy anyway?!? He's cocky, thinks he's God's gift, is arrogant, thinks like his father in the way he perceives women (I can only assume it ain't in a positive, sensitive, nurturing way), freeloads off of a woman working two jobs and, to top it off, instead of cruising the Net looking for a job maybe, he's looking at porn all day? Oh, he's a liar, too? Had to go back and re-read, make sure I covered everything.

Porn is the least of your worries. This guy sounds like an insensitive, rude mooch.

 
Old 06-26-2007, 06:04 PM   #8
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Re: Am I overreacting to this porn issue?

He is trying to make you responsible for his porn viewing by pretending that he needs permission. Turkey! He has already made YOU feel guilty about this, and this is the thing I dislike most about him. Tell him you don't give a rat's *** about whether he watches it or not, but you are not going to be around to see him do it. Please tell me you are not supporting this leech! Or paying anything for your entertainment? You have told him how you feel, and he has turned it against you. Get a better bloke! Sera

 
Old 06-27-2007, 07:40 AM   #9
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Re: Am I overreacting to this porn issue?

Did you notice that you don't mention the word "love" in any part of your post? Can you frankly say that you love this man? From what you write about him and yourself, it is easy to gather you don't have much in common and you are on different levels of maturity.

I agree with most of what the other posters said. It is not so much about his watching porn, it's more about his apparently neglectful and disdainful ways. I really don't think he has much respect for you. You'd probably even tolerate some amount of porno (as most men are interested in it - this is a fact), if he was otherwise more responsive and responsible. I daresay he has a problem here: if he is really refraining from watching porn, but not as self-therapy, then his repressed compulsion may lead him elsewhere: into drinking, drugs, gambling, whatever. Well, maybe I am pushing it too far, but what I want to stress is that he doesn't recognize his compulsion, he doesn't seem interested in leading a healthier relationship with you.

I am afraid porn is a very dangerous field, particularly if you have no self-control: it is a door open to pedophily, philandering, disruptive relationships with real people, etc. You are not overreacting.

I don't see what makes you stay with this guy. Please make a list of his positive qualities and see if they outnumber and outweigh his negative traits, and then make your decision whether to stay or leave.

Last edited by pendulum; 06-27-2007 at 07:41 AM.

 
Old 06-27-2007, 08:28 AM   #10
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Re: Am I overreacting to this porn issue?

Thanks to all of your for your great advice. I definitly have a lot of thinking to do, and you all gave me something to think about. Things that I have been overlooking for way to long and that didnt even occure to me to take seriously. It all seems much simpler now actually.
Thanks again, keep the advice coming

PS: should I tell him just to go ahead and watch/look it and see where that goes?

 
Old 06-27-2007, 10:38 AM   #11
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Re: Am I overreacting to this porn issue?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jess86 View Post
PS: should I tell him just to go ahead and watch/look it and see where that goes?
If you're willing to compromise how you feel about it.

 
Old 06-27-2007, 11:12 AM   #12
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Wink Re: Am I overreacting to this porn issue?

I want to share something personal with you so that maybe it will help- i truly hope it will. I stayed in a realtionship for three years with someone who constantly made me question my own values and made me feel as if my ways of thinking were overreactions and off the wall. I tried to force myself to believe he was right and that I was in fact being too sensitive to certain situations (strip bars, porn etc.) What I ended up was MISERABLE! It is the worst feeling to know you are not being true to yourself. If you geniunely have a belief about something then stick with that and do not ever let anyone tell you that you are wrong for thnking that way-these are the things that make us who we are. Thankfully I have been out of that relationship for a while and am now with a wonderful man that has the same beliefs as I do. I am not saying you should leave or stay- that is your decision to make. I only wanted to share this with you so you can think about some things. I know sometimes we stay with people because it has become comfortable and the thought of leaving and starting over is very scary- at the end of the day you need to decide what you want in relationship and do not take less than that. If he is less than he needs to go! In light of your last post- ask yourself this question- should I sacrifice my own personal beliefs and values for that of my partner... let me know what you decide to do and take care!

 
Old 06-28-2007, 05:45 AM   #13
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Re: Am I overreacting to this porn issue?

I can really relate to what you are saying. In the beginning I did put up with a lot of things that bothered me, him talking about other woman and how attractive they were in front of me, asking me if I would be into having threesomes with my friends, and him watching porn. I eventually got to the point where I told him I didnt want him watching porn and that if he insisted I would leave. On many occasions though he looked anyways or tryed to hide it from me, even lying about it sometimes. His exuse was that it was no big deal, he just needed some " only him time" and that I was overeacting and he lyed because he didnt want to start a fight.
I dont think compromised your believes or feelings is healthy at all in a relationship, as you said also. And I have been doing it for so long, and this is why this issue is still bothering me so much. There are many issues besides the porn thing too, and thats why Iv been so stressed and not sure what to do. I dont know why Im so attached to him? I cant figure out my payoff, and there always is one for staying in an unhealthy relationship. There are just so many issues!
I wonder though if there are any men out there that dont look at porn, or go to strip clubs and think of woman as treasures and not as objects. I mean, porn for recreation once in a while or even watching it with your partner to add some flare to a relationship is okay and can be fun. But it got to the point before when I would feel like an object or his release when we would have sex, and then later come to find out hed been looking at porn all day. I started to think and feel like I wasnt what was turning him on, he was already turned on from the porn and just wanted to get layed. And I felt so disqusting afterwards...

Thank you so much for you advice!

 
Old 06-28-2007, 09:44 AM   #14
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Re: Am I overreacting to this porn issue?

I am glad I could help a little. I just wanted you to know you are not the only one that has been thorugh a situation such as this and it is nice to hear from other people who have sharded your experience. It is a very stressful and difficult situation becuase on one hand if you have all these emotional ties to this person, but on the other you are hurting inside and somedays things seem great while other days are miserable. I am sorry to hear some og the things he has asked of you- that is not right and very disrespectful and as far as your question "are there guys out there not interested in porn, strip clubs," The answer is yes. Certaintly those things can be okay also as long as the couple agrees and does them together (some couples enjoy going to strip clubs together) Not my thing, but hey I am not one to judge! It seems like your situation mirrors mine a great deal and that is hard to hear cause I know it was real tough for me. I do not blame you for holding on despite the problems because in all honesty I learned something about my ex-boyfriend in the first two months which I overlooked even though it killed me inside every day. I stayed in that relationship about two and half years longer than I should have just because I let him make me believ I was overreacting to everything. The truth is I wasn't and what he did to me was wrong becuase it hurt me deeply. Noone has the right to hurt you whether it be physically, emotionally, or mentally. I think sometimes we think hey this guy is not so bad he does'n come home and beat me, but what is sad is that in a sense they do beat us- but in another way (mentally) at least that is how it felt for me. It took me a long time and I am still working on helaing myself from that realtionship because he really made me feel like I was nothing. He took away so much of who I was to the point I didn't know who i was anymore- The sad part is I ALLOWED him to do it because I stayed and I didn't stick up for myself and hold true to my beliefs. I may have yelled and argued and cried, but at the end of the day that didn't mean anything because I STAYED. I wonder if you can relate to any of this- I sure hope so as it is quite long! I guess what I am hoping to convey to you is that I hate to see someone go through what i went through. I hope that you can be happy with or without this person- whatever you decide is best. Please know that there are good guys out there and you can find someone better suited for you- if that is one of the fears that makes you stay just know to let it go cause there really are better fish in the sea as they say! Anyways, sorry to drone on - if I can help you out in anyway please let me know.

 
Old 06-28-2007, 10:39 AM   #15
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Re: Am I overreacting to this porn issue?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jess86 View Post
I dont think compromised your believes or feelings is healthy at all in a relationship, as you said also. And I have been doing it for so long, and this is why this issue is still bothering me so much.
Well, I think with this statement right here you pretty much answered your original question. How can you be overreacting to something that is compromising your beliefs and feelings? He is clearly not the man for you. If he were he wouldn't be expecting you to overlook something that bothers you so much. He is who he is and you are who you are. You don't plan on changing who you are to make him happy, do you? It's the same as expecting him to change who he is to make you happy. It's just not going to happen.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jess86
There are many issues besides the porn thing too, and thats why Iv been so stressed and not sure what to do. I dont know why Im so attached to him? I cant figure out my payoff, and there always is one for staying in an unhealthy relationship. There are just so many issues!
I would say there are other issues. He doesn't have any means of supporting himself. He clearly views women as sex objects and nothing else. So, why are you with him?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jess86
I wonder though if there are any men out there that dont look at porn, or go to strip clubs and think of woman as treasures and not as objects. I mean, porn for recreation once in a while or even watching it with your partner to add some flare to a relationship is okay and can be fun.
There are decent men out there who treasure women and don't treat them like sex objects. Some of them even watch porn or go to strip clubs once in a while. My husband and I will watch it together on occassion. He has gone to a few strip clubs since we've been together for bachelor parties. Heck, I even went with him once just to see what all the hype was about. It's a once in a while thing and it doesn't effect his day to day life. That's the difference. It seems that sex is the main part of your boyfriend's life. What else does he do?

 
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