For those of you who don't know, I am in a long distance relationship, he lives about 6 hours away. I've made posts in the past regarding his ex girlfriend. She hasn't been able to fully get over him and has been in contact with him through text, email and phone. They went to HS together, dated in college, and lived together for four years. He has been honest with me saying he still communicates and wants to be friends with her because he feels she is surrounded by bad influences and he has a hard time just cutting someone out of his life once they get to a certain point. He assured me he has no feelings for her.
My BF came to stay with me this weekend. We went out friday night and slept in late saturday. That afternoon I went to check my email. He was in the room with me. In my inbox was a reply from him, but I didn't recognize the subject so I knew it was nothing I had sent him. I can't remember the subject line b/c it was long and I just can't remember what it said. I do remember it had the symbols to replace a curse word like %$#*, which I thought was strange coming from him. So I saw the new email, saw it came in that morning, I chuckled and asked him what it was. I didn't open it yet. He got me out of the chair and out of the room, he wasn't rough or anything, just playful. So he gets me out of the room, I walked back in a few times and each time I did he forced me back out. He was reading it and didn't want me to see it. I gave up and went about my business. He finally came out of the room and said he ex girlfriend is crazy. Apparently it was an email from her, disguised as if it were from my BF. I asked him what it said and he wouldn't get detailed, just that it was meant to sabotage our relationship. I guessed and asked if it was supposed to make me think they were meeting up behind my back and he said yes. Well he deleted the email from my inbox and trash and I cannot retrieve it. I contacted the email company and they cannot restore it. I know the email did not come from him as I was with him all day saturday when it was sent. But it's the contents that I'm curious about and I am really suspicious as to why he wouldn't let me read it. He thinks it would have hurt my feelings. I consulted my friend and she thinks he should have let me read it to help strengthen our bond. Oh, and after he deleted the email I heard him call his EX. He explained to her how I got a very interesting email, paused and said No I didn't, then paused and said it's best they eliminate each other 100% from their lives. So that was the only comforting thing about the situation.
So was he just trying to protect me by not letting me read it or was he trying to cover something up?
Trust is such a hard thing, especially when you're so far away from each other!
It does seem a bit suspicious that he hustled you out of the room BEFORE he even read the email, simply by seeing it was from her. That would really bother me. And the fact that he didn't let you read it. If he had nothing to hide, then he wouldn't be hiding anything, you know?
BUT...the bright spot is that he told her they should break off all contact and get out of each other's lives altogether. If her intent is to cause trouble in your relationship, then yes, she has no place in his or your life. Hold him to it. Make sure he never, ever speaks to her, emails her, contacts, talks to or sees her ever again.
It seems to me that he may be trying to cover up something otherwise why delete the e-mail. If only you had read the e-mail first before telling him about it. First off, his ex girl still has strong feelings for him..strong enough to interfere with his current relationship. It's obvious that she has not gotten over him. Her inteference is only going to make matters worse as you can see. Who knows what kind of conversations they are having and who knows what kind of advances she is proposing with him. He really should care more about your feelings than hers meaning that if his ex is constantly calling/e-mailing him, he should just break all ties with her. I know you wrote that he called her to tell her that their friendship is over 100%, but only time will tell if he really means that. He needs to change his number and get a new e-mail address if he really means business. I'm sure he would not like a guy calling you all the time.
I hope things work out for you, but at least you are smart enough to know that he may not be telling you the truth 100% about this e-mail or his ex. In the meantime, his ex needs to get a life!!!! Personally I don't have time for this kind of drama. If I dated a guy who still had an ex who was calling/e-mailing him all the time. He would be history!
she hasn't gotten over him because they're still in each others lives......
if they weren't, she wouldn't be calling and e-mailing.
if they weren't, he wouldn't be accepting those calls and e-mails.
it takes 2 to tango......
if I were you, I'd bow gracefully out and let them continue their relationship.
I'd find someone closer to home....but that's just me, you can do what you want.
Last edited by Administrator; 06-11-2010 at 05:13 PM.
After talking to friends, I'm wondering if I should contact her myself? Would that put an end to this or make it worse? I'd be nice about it, no yelling or name calling, just a cordial call to ask her to leave us alone. And if my BF is hiding something I'll probably hear it from her and then I can ask my BF if it's true or not.
It's just she's been around since November of last year and this is her second fraudulant email and she hasn't gone away yet. Before I was advised to stay out of it, ignore her, etc. but I feel vulnerable now that I know she has my email - she could send me viruses, spam, etc.
IMO, neither. He's getting an enormous stroke of his ego by having his old flame and his new flame filling up his life. He probably knew that if you read the email, something else of his wasn't going to get stroked that night.
Sorry to be blunt, but . . .
And this is the SECOND time she's tried to sabotage your relationship? I certainly hope you're not going to lay down this time and just "ignore it." Set a boundary with the BF. If it gets crossed, time to find a new BF.
Honestly, how do women put up with this? Why do you gals allow this to happen? I can understand men who've gone through a divorce and have children with an ex, but when did all of this business start up with men having "relationships" with their exes and their new GFs just having to be okay with it start?
As you can see from the other posts that maybe it's time for you to move on. I especially agree with one of the post...why do women put up with such crap?????????????????????? And it really pisses me off that he advised you to ignore his ex and for you to pretty much stay out of it. Well you know what! He would be the one who would be ignored! Why in the world would his ex still be around since November!!! And why are you accepting a guy who still has accepts this kind of behavoir from his ex!!! He obviously loves the attention she is giving him and it is so plain as day that he wants her in his life as well. Otherwise she would have been gone a long time ago.
Why does she have your e-mail address! Girl, this guy is playing you! Don't bother calling her. He has to be the one to end his friendship with her which should have done back in November. Doesn't he see that his ex is nothing but trouble! Ofcourse he does, but he doesn't care as long as he is getting his cake and eating it too.
Please stop putting up with this crap from this guy and his ex. Please just move on! You can do better! Find a man who has no drama!!! PLEASE!
I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, and being that he is my BF and I'm in love with him I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt that he is in the right.... but this has raised my suspicions and I am on guard! However I don't want to give up on him over this. I may be stupid or being played, but I wouldn't feel right breaking up with him just yet. She would win if I did that and I'm not letting her destroy us if he really is innocent in all this. He did make that phone call telling her they should not talk to each other anymore, so I want to give him a chance to prove himself.
I "allowed" him to continue being friends with his ex because I was in the same situation with my ex and thought it was only fair. I however stopped talking to my ex for about three months and he obviously has not. Before when she tried sabotaging us with emails our relationship wasn't to a point where I could set boundaries or tell him to stop talking to her, it was just too early on, but this time around I think it's necessary for me to do so.
So any words of advice on how I should word it so it doesn't sound like I'm controlling?
PS: She got my email from his email account -- she had access to it still.
I had to chuckle over the words you used for descriptions, i.e., "allowed" and "controlling." Do single women dating nowadays really feel that it's controlling to stand up for themselves? I mean, this is the man's choice here, not yours. It's your choice how long you choose to put up with this garbage or move on to a man that puts you in the center stage.
Let me be perfectly clear: A man or woman who's still involved with their ex to the point where new interests (like you) need to be removed from a room where they might see an email from said ex aren't being "controlled" much by that new interest. You won't have much to worry about there.
And you're right. Give him the benefit of the doubt. If this is going to be the first time in this relationship you've stuck up for yourself, your feelings and what your position is, a/k/a allowing/controlling, I'd just tell him straight up, "It's her or me. Relationships end every day, thousands of 'em. Time to end this one with your ex, who you do not share a child with, debt with, nor a name with. It's obviously not platonic and I deserve a man who doesn't make me take a backseat to his ex."
You deserve to be treated like a queen, especially considering the long-distance thing. Expect nothing less. Enough with the shanninigans with the ex now. Time for him to make a choice, IMO.
OMG - she's making it clear she's working overtime to wreck your relationship, so far he's been playing right into her hands and YOU'RE worried about sounding controling? There's something seriously wrong with this picture.
My ex boyfriend's wife won't even allow him to be in the same room with me, even though I pose no threat whatsoever to their relationship, and could or would never try to insinnuate myself between them. She's not worried at all about looking or sounding controlling. Why? Because he loves her, and he cares when she's upset and he wants to make her happy.
There's a line between being the "cool girlfriend' and just being a doormat, and you're about to cross it. this woman has proven that her intention is to hurt you and wreck your relationship. You have every right to put your foot down and tell him it's time to choose. If you don't, he won't choose, I can promise you that. He has loyalties to this girl, obviously, or this wouldn't be the second time she's messed with you. She never would have had even one chance to mess with you if he didn't have some loyalty to her.
You can't always sit back and hope your man reads your mind and just automatically does the right thing. Sometimes you have to tell him, in no uncertain terms, what the right thing is. In this case, the right thing is to cut her out of his life completely and permanently. He says he's going to do that. If it were me, I'd tell him flat out that I'm tired of her messing with me, I'm tired of feeling like I have to compete with her, I'm tired of this woman thinking she can still wrap him around her finger. I'd tell him I appreciate very much him telling her it's over for good, and I will expect him to keep his word and never contact him again or he'll have all the time in the world to hang out with her because I'd be gone, and I wouldn't give a lick if I came off controlling. When a man really, truly loves you, he will respect you for putting your foot down and telling him what you will and won't tolerate. Unless you're afraid to find out he really doesn't love you. If that's your fear, I'll tell you straight up, letting him get away with this will only be postponing the inevitable. If he really doesn't love you, you're better off knowing now rather than later.
I really do not mean to sound so direct in my posts. I just want what is best for you! I don't even know you but it just bothers me when men think they can do what they want to do and expect women to just accept it. This goes both ways by the way. I'm sure you are in love with him so go ahead and give him the benefit of the doubt and see what happens, but by all means do have a talk with him about this because this is no laughing matter. Your feelings are involved!
Please keep us posted on what his reaction is when you tell him how you really feel about this whole situation. I do applaud you for coming here for advice which just shows that you know deep down that something isn't right with him.
OH and you should'nt worry about his ex winning anything. She apparently is a Loser and needs to get a life!
Last edited by Administrator; 06-11-2010 at 05:14 PM.
if I were to copy and paste every word I reckon you ought to listen to it'd be a very long mail indeed, so I wont, I'll just advise you to have another read over this thread and pay particular attention to the advice posted by Stenolady and Larrylousmom. There is a lot of wisdom in those posts and I know it cause I've lived it. I went through the whole ex hanging around like a bad smell thing and it was an absolute psychological and emotional nightmare.
Eventually I went through his phone and saw that she had been calling up to five and six times a day and sending at least as many texts. I also noted that if there was a missed call from her there were several more in rapid succession. The impression I got from that was obvious; she seemed near hysterical at the thought of not being able to reach him. Thank God for the sake of his hide there wasnt a single call or text in his outbox. She had been doing all the running; that much was very clear.
I called her up and told her I'd tear the <removed> face off her if she didnt stop interfering in my relationship. I told him moments later to get out of my face and not speak to me again until she was erased from his life. I gave him a straightforward ultimatum, and wasn’t going to back down. He got rid of her, lucky for him, cause I meant what I was saying; much as I loved him, there was no way I could live with being humiliated like that.
My big problem wasn’t that he had contact with an ex; it was that this particular ex was someone he had slept with in the early days of our relationship, and I was expected to still accept and condone their being “friends”!!!!!!!!!!
Don’t accept it; even though your circumstances are somewhat different in that as far as you know your bf hasn’t slept with her since last year, she is still someone who has clearly displayed not once but twice that she wants to destroy your relationship, so don’t accept it; it'll only break your heart, and in the worst possible way - slowly.
Last edited by Administrator; 06-11-2010 at 05:15 PM.
Reason: inappropriate comment
I also know how difficult being in a long-distance relationship can be, especially on the topic of trust.
That said, this ex thing needs to absolutely stop. Why on earth do they communicate? There is no child tying them together, so what's the point of their relationship now?
I'm glad that your boyfriend called her to end all communication with her, but you need to make sure 100% that this is the case. YOU need to set the rules. He messed up (so to speak, by still communicating with his crazy ex) and therefore you need to it *absolutely crystal clear* to him what you feel comfortable with and what you don't. Obviously, you'd like that your boyfriend and his ex drop all lines of communication, and that's understandable. Now, you overheard your bf talking to her saying the will not be in each other's lives anymore. Good. Now you must make sure he keeps his promise! I'm not saying be a snoop or mistrust him, but don't allow for any little excuse for contact with her to come up (e.g. your bf says she needs his help, it's an emergency, etc etc).
Perhaps you could ask for verification that their relationship has truly ended? Something similar happened between me and my boyfriend. I found really inappropriate sexual texts between him and an ex -- when I read them, I blew up at him and wanted to break up. I knew he kept in friendly contact with some of his exes, which made me slightly uncomfortable, but this episode pushed me over the edge.
After that, I told him if anything like that were to happen again, I'd absolutely leave him, without any hesitation. Men, even the good ones, seem to need boundaries set for them in relationships (sorry for the generalization but it is true, at least in my experience). My bf also emailed this ex in question telling her she had to step out of his life as he had to concentrate his current relationship with me. He forwarded me the email so I had proof that he indeed sent it.
Maybe what I did was a bit extreme (I'm usually very mild-tempered and calm, but man when he did that I let him have it!!!) but he got the message. And ever since that episode, he's been "Boyfriend of the Year" haha.
Anyway I guess my advice to you is to give him another chance. I know we women shouldn't put up with ANY crap from any man, but honestly, we all make mistakes. Plus, if we had a zero-tolerance for these slip-ups, I think none of us would be in relationships!
So make it clear to him that she must be out of his life. Make it clear to him that he needs to focus all his energy and devotion on you. Only you. The trust thing may take some time to re-work (I'm still dealing with it myself) but I believe he does deserve another shot. That's just my opinion though. Hope it all works out for you! Take care.
Last edited by Administrator; 06-11-2010 at 05:15 PM.
Obviously he had something to hide, or else was worried that there would be something he'd need to hide. If everything was on the up and up, then he would have had no reason to panic.
If I was reading MY e-mail, and my boyfriend forced me out of the room and deleted an e-mail that was addressed to me - I would not be letting go of that one. He had no right. It might have been from his ex but it was sent to you, in YOUR inbox.
Yeah, I think you're absolutely right to have your guard up.
The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~
Yes, I bristled at this too. Whatever was going on or not going on with the ex, I would have been furious at this display of patronising male BS. You are not a child, don't let him treat you like one. As to the ex, yes I agree with the others, this is one ex you want gotten rid of pronto. If he even looks like contacting her again, do a "Laylah" and tear the head off him! (LOL).
Last edited by Administrator; 06-11-2010 at 05:16 PM.
In my opinion, I think he's playing the both of you!!! Had this happen to me, new gf thought it was me (ex), and still does, only I'm the one that stopped the communication, although, she believes him, and thinks he did for her!!! Whatever, a least I'm not harrassed anymore by her!!! The best is that she actually believes that he wanted nothing to do with me ever, that it was all in my head, that he had no feeling for me....what a joke, if she only knew the truth. She can have him.....he's a lair, and a cheater, and more!!!!! And this gold digger thinks she found a sugar daddy.....NOT!!!!
Also, big red flag......he had no right going through you email!!!
It could have been restored, only on that same day, there is a way of doing it, I've done it before.
Thanks for the advice everyone.
When I briefly spoke to my BF yesterday he said he received an email from the Ex... she said that she is tired of being accused of things she didn't do (i.e. sending this email), and she rambled off something about federal law, and if he has anything else to say to her he can do it through her lawyer and she kindly included a link for him I couldn't help but giggle. She is entering law school and sounds like it has gone to her head. So juvenile. Well I know she's doing things like this to get under his skin to keep her in his mind. She enjoys mind games. Sick. She should study abnormal psych instead of the law!
Anyway he said he won't reply b/c that will open up a can of worms and hopes this is the last of her. I did give my BF trouble for allowing her to stay in his life for this long and he should have put a stop to it a long time ago when she first tried playing with us. He didn't disagree.
It's definitely not over though. I still have questions for him and want to tell him he better not give her the time of day ever again. She is nothing but trouble. And we have some trust issues to discuss now that my trust in him has declined due to his suspicious behavior.
Long road ahead!