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Old 07-05-2007, 07:57 AM   #1
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Husband Procrastinates on everything

I have been with my husband for 12 years and we have a two year old little girl and I am pregnant with number two. We decided to move to Europe last year to be with our families so they can be a part of our daughters life. So we sold our house, cars and moved all our stuff to Europe. I was there for five months and started working, when my husband came he couldn't find a job and hated it so he asked for his old job back and got it. Off we were, left all our stuff there and came back to the USA. Sice my husband makes enough money I am able to stay home and raise our daughter which I love, I love the USA so I was happy to move back. Now the problem. We are waiting for a green card so we can't buy a house until we actually get it. We live in a two bedroom apartment with a bed, two couches, a TV on the floor and a kitchen table. My husband keeps asking me to go look for furniture but everytime we go we never agree on anything and leave without buying a single thing. I am so tired of having my TV on the floor, we have looked for TV stands over and over again and everytime he finds something wrong and we don't end up getting one. He travels a lot so I'm stuck in this apartment day in and day out. I want to make it feel like a home, I want to be happy when I walk in the door. Its been a year now and everytime I bring it up he yells at me.
Please give me some advice on how to approach this matter, money is not the problem. If I go alone he will probably have a fit and send everything back so I can't do that. When I have the other baby my family is coming from overseas to help out and I am so embaressed, but he doesn't get it. I feel so angry towards him.

 
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Old 07-05-2007, 08:03 AM   #2
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Re: Husband Procrastinates on everything

You say your husband travels a lot for work so you are stuck in the home day in and day out. Why not just take your daughter and do all the decorating yourself? After 12 years of marriage I'm sure you will be able to get things that you both like.

It sounds like your husband is just as stressed about things as you are. The difference is that he is working and traveling and most likely just doesn't have the energy to deal with "the home" when he gets there. He just wants to relax and enjoy his family. I think he would appreciate it all being taken care of when he gets home. If he doesn't then very simply tell him "I got sick of waiting and handled it myself" and leave it at that.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! Now get your home in order before you run out of time.

 
Old 07-05-2007, 08:15 AM   #3
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Re: Husband Procrastinates on everything

Just get the stuff and let him have his fit. I bet he will not be bothered taking them back to the store once they are nicely arranged in your apartment. He will get used to them very quickly. That is how I handle this, my husband is a bit the same, nothing is quite right, but when I plant my foot he usually decides its OK after all.

 
Old 07-05-2007, 09:39 AM   #4
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Re: Husband Procrastinates on everything

Personally I wouldn't want to buy new furniture knowing that I'm going to be moving into a home shortly. Are we talking weeks/months/years? Maybe make due with possibly buying only the bare minimun until you get a home and I would think that your relatives would understand your predicament. I can see why it wouldn't be on the top of his priority list to fill up an apartment only to have to pay someone to move it all again. The less you have, the easier(and cheaper) it is to move!!!!!

 
Old 07-05-2007, 12:30 PM   #5
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Re: Husband Procrastinates on everything

Quote:
Originally Posted by ILYF View Post
Personally I wouldn't want to buy new furniture knowing that I'm going to be moving into a home shortly. Are we talking weeks/months/years? Maybe make due with possibly buying only the bare minimun until you get a home and I would think that your relatives would understand your predicament. I can see why it wouldn't be on the top of his priority list to fill up an apartment only to have to pay someone to move it all again. The less you have, the easier(and cheaper) it is to move!!!!!
I would agree with ILYF's point of view if money was a problem. But you, the OP, say money is no problem.

There's one thing I don't understand. You say you have come back to the USA, but your location reads Europe. It's not that important, but just for our information: you are currently living in the USA, aren't you?

I sympathize with you: if you can't make this apartment feel like a home, you'll be embarrassed when your family arrives. You may give them an excuse or something, but even so they may think you are being neglectful. Ok, it doesn't really matter what other people may think, but they are your relatives, and they certainly matter. Besides, and this is the main point, if you are not feeling happy within your place, how can you make out of it a proper nest for your next baby?

I think your husband is severely stressed. Even the fact that he is travelling a lot doesn't help him feel relaxed. That is the only explanation I can find for his yelling at you and his nitpicking. Perhaps he needs to slow down a bit, take a vacation, engage in some household chore for a change (does he help you in any way?). I don't know what he is by profession, but he could be an engineer or a sales representative. The impression I get is that he should come down, now and then, from his pedestal and get involved with mundane things.

Ok, these are not exactly the things you want to hear from us. You don't want a diagnosis, faulty as it could be. You need an insight on how to approach him and get him to do something. This is a special moment for you, for you are in a special condition, and his yelling at you (and the baby) is quite unacceptable.

I hope you can have a serious conversation with him about how you feel. He seems to be of the type that doesn't listen and that is above "small talk", so this will require a certain degree of diplomacy and patience from you. You may start telling him, not about the furniture or your upcoming family, about your desire to have a home, even if it is provisional. This must be your focus. Admit that it may appear ridiculous of you to want a home right now, but then ask him to take your place as the homemaker. Use your sense of humour. Don't let your despair show, if anything, but insist that this is really very important for you. I am not telling you to cry or make a drama before him, but it would be ok to put in some emotion into your words.

If it doesn't work, you may need the advice from someone else and develop another strategy to bring him into your reality. It is not so much about buying furniture as it is about making him realize he has a wife.

Sorry this wasn't very helpful. Anyway, good luck and take it easy.

 
Old 07-05-2007, 12:31 PM   #6
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Re: Husband Procrastinates on everything

Quote:
Originally Posted by ILYF View Post
Personally I wouldn't want to buy new furniture knowing that I'm going to be moving into a home shortly. Are we talking weeks/months/years? Maybe make due with possibly buying only the bare minimun until you get a home and I would think that your relatives would understand your predicament. I can see why it wouldn't be on the top of his priority list to fill up an apartment only to have to pay someone to move it all again. The less you have, the easier(and cheaper) it is to move!!!!!
I would agree with ILYF's point of view if money was a problem. But you, the OP, say money is no problem.

There's one thing I don't understand. You say you have come back to the USA, but your location reads Europe. It's not that important, but just for our information: you are currently living in the USA, aren't you?

I sympathize with you: if you can't make this apartment feel like a home, you'll be embarrassed when your family arrives. You may give them an excuse or something, but even so they may think you are being neglectful. Ok, it doesn't really matter what other people may think, but they are your relatives, and they certainly matter. Besides, and this is the main point, if you are not feeling happy within your place, how can you make out of it a proper nest for your next baby?

I think your husband is severely stressed. Even the fact that he is travelling a lot doesn't help him feel relaxed. That is the only explanation I can find for his yelling at you and his nitpicking. Perhaps he needs to slow down a bit, take a vacation, engage in some household chore for a change (does he help you in any way?). I don't know what he is by profession, but he could be an engineer or a sales representative. The impression I get is that he should come down, now and then, from his pedestal and get involved with mundane things.

Ok, these are not exactly the things you want to hear from us. You don't want a diagnosis, faulty as it could be. You need an insight on how to approach him and get him to do something. This is a special moment for you, for you are in a special condition, and his yelling at you (and the baby) is quite unacceptable.

I hope you can have a serious conversation with him about how you feel. He seems to be of the type that doesn't listen and that is above "small talk", so this will require a certain degree of diplomacy and patience from you. You may start telling him, not about the furniture or your upcoming family, about your desire to have a home, even if it is provisional. This must be your focus. Admit that it may appear ridiculous of you to want a home right now, but then ask him to take your place as the homemaker. Use your sense of humour. Don't let your despair show, if anything, but insist that this is really very important for you. I am not telling you to cry or make a drama before him, but it would be ok to put some emotion into your words.

If it doesn't work, you may need the advice from someone else and develop another strategy to bring him into your reality. It is not so much about buying furniture as it is about making him realize he has a wife.

Sorry this wasn't very helpful. Anyway, good luck and take it easy.

 
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