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Old 07-14-2007, 07:29 AM   #1
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What do you think about this? Living together or not?

I have a friend who is divorced and has his own home. He keeps investing money into it, redoing the inside and out. The house is not child friendly. He has a girlfriend for over 3 years, she's been divorced twice. Supposely he is living with her and her children, in her home. I frequently see his car in his driveway. I would think that living together constitutes being in one household. Why would he keep his place and put megabucks into it? I'm just curious, because I don't see the commitment to her if he has a place to run to when things get heated. It would be different if they just met, but over 3 years?!!!!

 
Old 07-14-2007, 07:50 AM   #2
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Re: What do you think about this? Living together or not?

Well, people have different ideas about what commitment involves Marie. My bf and I are very much committed to eachother, but have not lived together for most of our relationship, and even when we did he maintained his apartment while we lived full time in my house. I dont feel that commitment has to mean we agree to spend the rest of forever gawking into eachothers eyes, lol; I feel it means we agree to be eachothers best friend and lover, exclusively; not ever to cheat or lie, and that the physical space we occupy really has nothing to do with that.

In fact, as far as living together goes, I have always found that my relationship was at its best when we were NOT living in eachothers ears!

As for your friend, perhaps he maintains his house as an investment? Have you discussed it with him? Why is it bothering you, if you dont mind me asking?

 
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Old 07-14-2007, 09:25 AM   #3
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Re: What do you think about this? Living together or not?

Laylah,
I agree with you, I do think that it is for investment and also a place for him to be at peace, some alone time. Other's see it as trouble in paradise, not really sure about this? It's probably saving the paradise from destruction.

It is really none of my business, just wanted to feel out for some other's opinion about this. I live in a small town and everyone assumes things and they are usually wrong.

I'm old school and am not well versed on the rules of living together. I would think that if you want to make a true commitment, through good and bad, then having a place to escape when things are rocky, defeats the purpose of why you are commiting yourself to another. Okay...... I can see holding on to a place to see how the living together goes in the beginning, but after 3 years, and now your spending more and more time at your empty house, it's almost as if you're going backwards in the relationship. And the expense of carrying a mortgage for an empty house. I just feel that if you can't be comfortable to be with this person in your face, then maybe this person isn't right for you. Just because the person is in your face, doesn't mean you can't be YOU! I know some people are not meant to be married.... ever....and of course, things are better when your relationship has a more DATING nature to it. It's more exciting and free, than, in my opinion, a husband and wife commitment....which is what I consider a living together relationship without the paperwork.

In any case, you and I agree that a commitment to another encompasses, good morals, and doing right by your partner. But, at some point there should be a melding of lives, this is what distinguishes a lifetime partnership from committed relationship.

Last edited by marie72; 07-14-2007 at 10:37 AM.

 
Old 07-14-2007, 10:06 AM   #4
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Re: What do you think about this? Living together or not?

I would say that shows a lack of commitment but I've heard of people living together that don't even think of that as a commitment soooo...well actually they think of it as a commitment as long as it suits them and if they get bored they can pretend that it's just a roommate situation...and say "we weren't married".

Maybe it's just what works for them...wasn't it Laylah that had the thread going that said her idea of the perfect marriage is to live in two seperate houses? Some people agreed actually...said whatever works for the couple is what works. Maybe because she has her kids with her and she feels it works best for them to not have the man move in with them. Maybe she doesn't believe in living together and doesn't want to show her kids that living together is OK? Who knows? Does it really matter what that couple is doing? Is it someone that you are hoping will become available?...HA!

Last edited by ILYF; 07-14-2007 at 10:08 AM.

 
Old 07-14-2007, 10:33 AM   #5
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Re: What do you think about this? Living together or not?

No, not for me. But, I don't like this woman, I would rather see him go back to his ex, than stay with her, and his ex was not so great. I don't think this woman wants him to leave her side, very insecure. She doesn't particularly care too much about the effects of the man living with her in her home, this will be her third, if not more! I know that in the past he has tried to get away from her and she throws herself at him, it does sound pathetic. I'm taking it easy today, so I thought I would start a topic on this board, haven't been here in awhile. It's scary thinking how many people out there fool they're partners, who think they are committed, when they actually aren't, what a shame. As for me, I am taking this summer to reassess my life and where I want to be for the next 50years, well, at least for the next 10!!! HA!!

 
Old 07-14-2007, 11:21 AM   #6
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Re: What do you think about this? Living together or not?

Well, it's just a near impossibility to work out exactly what's going on in someone elses relationship, and I think trying to guage that by their living arrangements is pretty pointless, because if anybody tried to work out what's happening between me and my bf using the history of our living arrangements as a barometer of measurement they'd end up with their eyes going like this, (only faster); and they'd be no closer to the truth!

 
Old 07-14-2007, 11:23 AM   #7
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Re: What do you think about this? Living together or not?

Well since you say he's tried to get away from her and she lures him back by going crazy then I'd say that he knows it's just a matter of time that he's 'outta there' so he'd be a fool to sell his house. Hey here's an idea...he could not go back with EX...break up with GF and find someone that's right for him...HEEHEE!

 
Old 07-14-2007, 11:54 AM   #8
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Re: What do you think about this? Living together or not?

I really hope this will happen for him. I do care about him and he does deserve someone who is not using him for his money. He's actually shy when it comes to relationships, and these agressive woman make it easy for him, he doesn't have to look for a relationship and pratically do no work to keep it, other than provide financially for them. Although, when it comes to business he is totally different, he takes the bull by the horns and makes things happen. He needs to know what it feels like to be truly loved, not used. So.....yeah!....he would be a fool to sell or have her and her family move in....then he would be trapped!!LOL!


Laylah....you're right...no one knows what happens behind closed doors....sometimes even the one's behind the doors....this I say from experience. I'm happy your arrangements work for you, we are all so unique!!

 
Old 07-15-2007, 07:55 AM   #9
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Re: What do you think about this? Living together or not?

how do u know he has a morgage on the place? maybe its already fully paid off. lots of people have property for investment. especially if the property is increasing in value rapidly, then he would be crazy to sell it. my boyfriends mother has a property in her home country and noone is living in it. also people invest in different ways. some buy property to rent out, yet some buy property, do it up and then sell it for a higher price. maybe thats y hes doing it up.

Last edited by shorti; 07-15-2007 at 07:58 AM.

 
Old 07-15-2007, 08:20 AM   #10
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Re: What do you think about this? Living together or not?

Shorti I'm sorry but the point of my post was not to debate about the mortgage. I would have not made a comment which is not based in truth. I was looking for opinions on the living arrangements as I do not have anyone I know that is "living together" without marriage. I always assumed living together meant a marriage without paperwork, not the ability to bounce back to another home that is waiting when things get rocky. I don't want to come across as rude but your post is getting off the topic. I deal with real estate investment properties, so I well aware of the potential for profit, this is a totally different circumstance. So if you have any comments about my original post, that would be great!!!!

 
Old 07-15-2007, 09:32 AM   #11
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Re: What do you think about this? Living together or not?

Well, I'm kind of old fashioned as well, and if I were in what I considered a serious, commited relationship and my guy were living with me, I wouldn't stand for him having a separate household to maintain. If he has another house that he maintains and lives in part time and doesn't rent out, then he can live in it by himself until he's ready to really commit to me for real, but that's just me.

If this woman knows about his house and knows he stays there part time, and is ok with it, then she couldn't possibly be too clingy and needy. And c'mon, he's a big boy, he's no one's victim here. He wouldn't keep getting "sucked in" by this needy, aggressive woman if he didn't really want to be. As long as they are both ok and happy with the situation, I'd say dont' worry about it. If you start trying to talk him into leaving her, he might tell her that's your vibe, and before you know it, she'll be putting her foot down demanding that he break off all contact with his trouble making female friend and poof!! there goes your friendship with him. Don't help put him in a position where he has to choose between you and her. You may not like who he chooses.

 
Old 07-15-2007, 09:47 AM   #12
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Re: What do you think about this? Living together or not?

Yeah and the next thing you know they'll be accusing you of being jealous of her...HEEHEE! Always what they say too! I guess it makes them feel better about themselves.

About what you are curious how people feel that live together...I lived with my husband before we were married for 1 1/2 years and we felt exactly the same commitment to eachother as a married couple. We were 100% committed to eachother when we just lived together. That should be what living together is...marriage without a piece of paper. I do feel that living together without marriage should only go on for so long though because at some point it shows that at least one of the couple is not willing to commit 100% to the partner. That's JMHO...some people don't want to marry because of the "been there, done that" sort of thing. But that's probably still the fear of commitment reason.

 
Old 07-15-2007, 11:24 AM   #13
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Re: What do you think about this? Living together or not?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
Well, I'm kind of old fashioned as well, and if I were in what I considered a serious, commited relationship and my guy were living with me, I wouldn't stand for him having a separate household to maintain. If he has another house that he maintains and lives in part time and doesn't rent out, then he can live in it by himself until he's ready to really commit to me for real, but that's just me.

If this woman knows about his house and knows he stays there part time, and is ok with it, then she couldn't possibly be too clingy and needy. And c'mon, he's a big boy, he's no one's victim here. He wouldn't keep getting "sucked in" by this needy, aggressive woman if he didn't really want to be. As long as they are both ok and happy with the situation, I'd say dont' worry about it. If you start trying to talk him into leaving her, he might tell her that's your vibe, and before you know it, she'll be putting her foot down demanding that he break off all contact with his trouble making female friend and poof!! there goes your friendship with him. Don't help put him in a position where he has to choose between you and her. You may not like who he chooses.
I'm actually the one who cut all contact with him, to eliminate dealing with her. I would never dream of telling anyone how to live their life. Although, I don't like her for numerous reason, I'm not the one who has to deal with her. I've seen him in this downward spiral before when involved with this type of woman, it is his choice to be with her. She wants marriage, again for the third time in her young life, he doesn't, but that's none of my business.

I guess caring for someone is complicated and some might construe caring as chasing after HER man, I, on the other hand can be a friend with very high morals, I don't chase unavailable men, it's a waste of time and just plain wrong!!!! And your right she has painted the picture of me as a trouble making friend because I defended myself from HER lies!!! But, trouble making friends don't bow out they continue to cause trouble, I on the other hand stay away from her, far away... he lost me his best friend and now has to deal with it.

Oh, she would never rock the boat, for fear of giving him an excuse to leave her, (she needs her sugar daddy), by demanding that he sell his house or not allow him to go to his own home, she will rock the boat. I'm sure she drives by his home to make sure he's there and alone, when he's not at her house,as she does when he's working, I know for a fact that she stalks him (checks up on him) constantly.

I'm with you on the seperate house, either my partner is with me or not, as far as living together, I would perfer just to be in a committed relationship with seperate homes until the time comes to take it to the next level of commitment.....marriage.

All this is in the past for me. But still saddens me and sometimes creeps up and I feel like posting.

Last edited by marie72; 07-15-2007 at 08:09 PM.

 
Old 07-15-2007, 11:44 AM   #14
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Re: What do you think about this? Living together or not?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ILYF View Post
Yeah and the next thing you know they'll be accusing you of being jealous of her...HEEHEE! Always what they say too! I guess it makes them feel better about themselves.

About what you are curious how people feel that live together...I lived with my husband before we were married for 1 1/2 years and we felt exactly the same commitment to eachother as a married couple. We were 100% committed to eachother when we just lived together. That should be what living together is...marriage without a piece of paper. I do feel that living together without marriage should only go on for so long though because at some point it shows that at least one of the couple is not willing to commit 100% to the partner. That's JMHO...some people don't want to marry because of the "been there, done that" sort of thing. But that's probably still the fear of commitment reason.
That's funny, I have to say that I have never been jealous of what others have. I always feel that I can have anything I want by using my talents and brains. Jealousy is so destructive. I would never want to be in her shoes (insecure), always worrying about the relationship.... And she is very jealous of me, I find it ironic that she is with him and still is so insecure (I know that he has been faithful and committed to her). I've been completely out of the picture for about 4 months, I ended the friendship for now or maybe forever, who knows..... She can't blame me for their problems anymore, I was her crutch whenever they had a fight....she always threw me into the mix to make him feel guilty and defensive, that he had an attachment to me, we've known eachother for 13 years. ( and for those of you that have something to say about this attachment, I agree that it was good when he wasn't involved, but it needed to end once he found this girlfriend (jealous and insecure one), or it would have stopped him from moving on....like I said I have very high morals....and won't go there!)

I think fear of commitment (marriage) comes from always thinking that there is something better out there, and if you commit then you're losing out on another opportunity.

Last edited by marie72; 07-15-2007 at 08:03 PM.

 
Old 07-16-2007, 01:16 AM   #15
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Re: What do you think about this? Living together or not?

Quote:
Originally Posted by marie72 View Post
Laylah,
. Okay...... I can see holding on to a place to see how the living together goes in the beginning, but after 3 years, and now your spending more and more time at your empty house, it's almost as if you're going backwards in the relationship. And the expense of carrying a mortgage for an empty house. .
you mentioned about having an expense of carrying a mortgage. i simply was trying to say that he may not have a mortgage. i think having a house of your own is a good safety net in case if something goes wrong. we dont know whats going to happen in the future. i think everyone goes into relationships not wanting to break up but sadly around 50% of marriages end in divorce and its something like 70% of long term relationships end. when my dad needed space from his marriage, he went back to the family home and lived with his mother for a while. your friend simply has a place of his own to turn to. its like saying why do couples sign pre-nuptial agreements if they intend on staying together forever? its simply so that u have a safetly net in case if something goes wrong. my uncle has owned a few businesses and he is a millionaire. he wife(my mums sister) is just your average middle class person. she has no qualifications, only worked in retail. everything that they own together, im sure he would of paid for most of it. he got her to sign a pre-nuptial agreement so she doesnt take his money and his cars, houses etc if they were to divorce. if your friend was to sell his place and put it into his girlfriends property instead, how is he to know he is going to get his money back if things werent to work out? the courts may not award him half, especially if children are involved. he has worked hard for his house im sure and he probably doesnt want to loose it.

 
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