It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 07-15-2007, 02:06 PM   #1
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 1,130
hillaryb HB User
Will I ever be really happy while married???

I've been married for almost 6 years. Things are going fine. Hubby is helping lots more around the house and with the kids and is treating me quite well. I feel like I'm going through a mini (early) mid-life crisis. I'll be 31 in August btw but it probably has nothing at all to do with age. I guess I should add some background, it may help this make more sense:

I had an on-again off-again relationship through high school that resulted in me having a baby at the age of 20. This guy was my first love, but the relationship was unhealthy and we come from different backgrounds. He was from a messed up family and went to jail a couple of times for stealing as a teen, used drugs, and basically screwed up on a regular basis. I'm from a wonderful family and don't get into trouble. Sadly he was a sweet guy and wanted to be better, just never really ever straightened out. I left him before I had out baby and moved back in with my parents. When our daughter was 3, he contacted me. I NEVER got over the guy and we had a somewhat secret (parents didn't know) relationship for 2 years. He saw our daughter on occasion but she thought he was my "friend". We would just go to the store, playground, etc once in a while with him.

During the time we dated (again secretly) I really came into my own as a person. I worked and went to school and raised my daughter and felt more confident-started to take better care of my appearance and felt very good about myself, for the first time ever. He noticed. He kept telling me I had gotten really beautiful, he wanted to marry me and do right by me. I was on the verge of outing our relationship (to my parents) but became frustrated because he starting to have difficulty holding a job-finally managed to get into more trouble (dui) and finally I got mad, told him to get lost and he literally did. Without a word, he moved away to live with one of his friends, halfway across the country.

So I spent a summer single and it was the happiest time of my life. I had a great job, and my daughter was 5 and I really enjoyed her. I felt very free and did not mourn my ex leaving the way he did. I felt fantastic about it. Happiest I've ever been. I dated a tiny bit but nothing major. I got reunited with an old acquaintance during this time and finally, after a friendship of a couple of months, decided what the heck-I will date this guy. Things moved fast and he is a straight arrow, hard-working, college-educated and treated me like a queen. And I got pregnant-quite unexpectedly! I loved him and he was someone i wanted to marry so I married him and we started our own family.

Its been a bumpy ride. After lots of growing pains and difficulties, things have really leveled out. My oldest daughter is nearly eleven and our daughter together is 5 now. I never heard from my ex except one time when he showed up right before my wedding. He called me at my parent's house to tell me he was in town and said he wanted me back. I told him no thanks, I'm pregnant and getting married and he flipped out! He was devastated-I never would marry him and suddenly here I am, marrying someone I haven't even known that long. He was also very angry and I was frightened, but he went away again and I haven't heard from him since. I do know that he got married a couple of years ago. He doesn't pay child support and I don't care. he wouldn't have been consistently in my daughter's life and I didn't want her to feel frustrated by having an on-again off-again dad.

I don't like being married. I never have. I feel tied down and I feel like it even affects how I react to my kids. I feel like I was a better mother when I was a single mom though I know it's way different to have 2 kids instead of just one. I don't cheat, I cook clean, raise the kids and work. i do nice things for hubby and I know he really loves me. I don't feel in love with him. I used to, but the past year has made me feel really indifferent towards him. I feel extremely nostalgic about my life before him. I was so much happier. When he goes on business trips, I'm secretly thrilled to be alone with the kids. I just don't feel like the vibrant, ALIVE person that I was before getting married. I sometimes even feel depressed and held back. And hubby is a good guy. It isn't really his fault. I don't act all this out. Our lives are pretty normal. But I've never ever been happy being married. I loved being single. Is this normal? I don't think it's him, I really think it's all me- I would feel this way no matter WHO I married. I even feel nostalgic about the relationship I had with my ex. It was fun to not see him all the time-to live apart and DATE and not get tired of each other.

Sorry this is so long, it's been on my mind for years! By the way, I would never do something rash like run off to be free or have an affair. I'm not out to destroy my marriage and I don't think my lack of feelings for my husband is permanent or worth ending it all. I would probably feel this way regardless of who I was with. it's all me! I just keep waiting to be as happy as I was before I tied the knot. If I can't acheive that, maybe someday I would consider leaving. But I believe in trying to be happy IN my marriage, I know the grass would always be greener no matter what I do. I just really miss my old life!!!!!! So much sometimes it hurts!

Last edited by hillaryb; 07-15-2007 at 02:13 PM.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 07-15-2007, 02:40 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: USA
Posts: 1,542
keepsgoin HB User
Re: Will I ever be really happy while married???

What is it that you miss about your old life so much and what, besides dating other men, can you not do anymore? My husband doesn't keep me from doing anything I'd want to do...is your husband controlling?
__________________
I tells it likes a sees it

 
Old 07-15-2007, 03:04 PM   #3
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 1,130
hillaryb HB User
Re: Will I ever be really happy while married???

He isn't controlling at all. If I go out with friends, he is happy for me. Anything I want to do , I can do it as far as he is concerned. If anything the ex was controlling, he just didn't succeed in keeping me down.

I don't think it's anything he does. I think it's more to do with me and how I see things now. I actually think it may have a bit to do with living in my parent's home. I lived there in the finished basement, and raised my daughter and worked and they didn't help me at all (thank goodness, I needed to know how to do those things) but maybe it was a prolonged adolescence because I had the comfort of having them around and didn't have rent to worry about, and it was a very lovely big house in a nice neighborhood with a big yard. Right now we are in an apartment.

 
Old 07-15-2007, 03:08 PM   #4
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
pendulum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Florianópolis, Brazil
Posts: 3,713
pendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB User
Re: Will I ever be really happy while married???

Excuse me. You say you cook, clean, raise the kids and work. My question is: do you work outside the house? Do you have a job? If you don't have a job and if you can make the time and if you have the necessary skills to have an enjoyable job, I would advise you to get one for yourself. My impression is that a job would somehow fill in the holes in your life and restore at least in part your old sense of freedom. The point is you would do well to expand the base of your happiness; that is, don't let your happiness rely alone on your family life. Expand your horizon. Be ambitious.

As for your question: Will I ever be really happy while married?, the answer probably lies at the very end of your post: I know the grass would always be greener no matter what I do. Understand that you possibly can't retrieve your past entirely and the best step you can make is possibly looking into the future with a clever optimism and finding ways to be more useful to your community. You could also start gradually changing your present lifestyle by acquiring healthier habits, so you can keep your health when you are in your middle age. Being healthy and fit is a necessary condition if you want to be happy at any age.

If you will keep your marriage or leave it, the choice is only yours, but don't make any decision too quickly.

I am sorry I can't be more helpful other than giving you this advice.

 
Old 07-15-2007, 04:20 PM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: kent
Posts: 1,448
brook65 HB User
Re: Will I ever be really happy while married???

Hillary I can totally understand what you are saying here. I am a 41 year old a single mum, and have never been married. I have had a few long term relationships but never marraige. Whilst being a single mum is hard work, the benefits of having no committed tie to someone is something I have got used to. I guess maybe I'm a bit selfish, but I am sure that if I got married tomorrow, I would feel an almightly pressure for the relationship to work.

The thing is as a young girl, I was conditioned as we all were to think that our goal in life has to be to get married and settle down. I do feel dissapointed in that I haven't yet experienced marraige, but on the otherhand, I am almost certain that deep down I don't actually want to be married.

I have my own life, and can suit myself, when dating I can see him as often or little as I like. I truely think it keeps the spark in a relationship alive. To have your own space and independance as a single mum is liberating.

In all honesty how many couples who are married are still in love? How many couples marry 'being in love'? I think a lot of marraige is about wanting security. If you are naturally an independant soul, then I would say that deep down marraige just doesn't suit your personality.

Marraige isn't for everyone, it doesn't suit everyone, I am guessing you may be a secret bit of a loner, who cherishes her own time alone, and is missing that.

I know that another poster called laylah was posting recently saying how she would consider living apart from her future husband, as it would suit her and her lifestyle.

I hope you can work something out

 
Old 07-15-2007, 04:30 PM   #6
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Oxford, UK
Posts: 1,155
ErimusValidus HB User
Re: Will I ever be really happy while married???

Hey, hillaryb You sound like a very worldly-wise lady and I don't think I'm particularly well placed to dish out advice to you. But your question does make me think about something in general. Are such questions a symptom of Noughties life? In all areas, nowadays, we are preoccupied - and, indeed, indoctrinated - with ideals self-improvement and and fulfillment. The media has led us to believe that we can all lead a "perfect" life. How can this be so?

Surely my leading of my perfect life, achieving all that I want to achieve, would infringe on somebody else's pursuit of their perfect life? It doesn't work. We are all setting ourselves too high a target. And, in the mean time, we obsess over things that are beyond our personal control and that we really needn't worry about. Fulfillment is a matter of perception, surely? Look at your marriage from the glass half full angle: is it not perfect in comparison to the wife whose husband abuses and cheats on her and who ignores his children in favour of work and televised sport?

I agree with pendulum that perhaps you need to find further source of self-actualisation before re-assessing your marriage. It saddens me that the divorce rate is so high in the Western world when, nine times out of ten, a little bit of work might save the heartache. But I don't think you're suggesting that divorce is on the cards, are you? If you're simply dissatisfied with life and your relationship then be creative and see what you can do to improve your lot. But don't strive for perfection because it's a Chimera!
__________________
I have spread my dreams under your feet; tread softly because you tread on my dreams...

Last edited by ErimusValidus; 07-15-2007 at 04:34 PM. Reason: Haha, I realise that "Chimera" is not quite the correct word, but I'll leave it in anyway!

 
Old 07-15-2007, 04:36 PM   #7
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 1,130
hillaryb HB User
Re: Will I ever be really happy while married???

I do work outside of the home. I really enjoy it. I Just started working this past year after staying home to raise my 2nd daughter. It really helps to have a job that I like. I guess I really don't feel that I'm suited for this. But I wouldn't leave my husband and I don't see how living apart would be a rational solution to it. I'm not always completely dissatisfied but I've never settled into marital bliss. I've always felt that although I really wanted a second child, and I would never do it without a husband again, in alot of ways it's harder than doing it my way.

Brooke, you hit the nail on the head when you said I may be a bit of a loner. I am! Always have been. I have a few good friends, that I don't even talk to daily, and I'm close with my immediate family. I love alone time. In a way it is good that my husband works alot. lt gives me time alone with the kids, and I love it when it's just the three of us.

My parents are happily married, going on 36 years now. My grandparents just celebrated their 60th anniversary and they are happy as well. I feel like leaving isn't an option, and I believe in working to keep my family together, but I've never been able to shake this longing to go back. But you can't go back, you can't relive the past, and I know that I need to make the best of what I have. The nostalgia lately is killing me though. I will hear a song from that time and it just kind of takes my breath away for a moment.

ETA: Erimus, it looks like you read me pretty well. I answered alot of your questions before I even saw your reply!!!!

Last edited by hillaryb; 07-15-2007 at 04:40 PM. Reason: Just read ErimusValidus's reply

 
Old 07-15-2007, 04:44 PM   #8
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: kent
Posts: 1,448
brook65 HB User
Re: Will I ever be really happy while married???

Quote:
Originally Posted by hillaryb View Post
Brooke, you hit the nail on the head when you said I may be a bit of a loner. I am! Always have been. I have a few good friends, that I don't even talk to daily, and I'm close with my immediate family. I love alone time. In a way it is good that my husband works alot. lt gives me time alone with the kids, and I love it when it's just the three of us.
.

Yeah thought you might be, as I feel that if I was married I would feel the exact way you do, cause I'm a loner also. I crave my alone time, and its a lovely feeling to be alone but not be lonely!

The thing is, I would say you would feel the same way about absolutly any partner you were married to, so it's not about not being happy with him, or being incompatable, but more about marraige suiting your personality.

Probably a good solution would be if he were to work away from home sometimes, so that you could have that time alone or with your kids. But ofcourse that may well not be a realistic option...

 
Old 07-15-2007, 04:47 PM   #9
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Oxford, UK
Posts: 1,155
ErimusValidus HB User
Re: Will I ever be really happy while married???

Quote:
Originally Posted by hillaryb View Post
Brooke, you hit the nail on the head when you said I may be a bit of a loner. I am! Always have been. I have a few good friends, that I don't even talk to daily, and I'm close with my immediate family. I love alone time. In a way it is good that my husband works alot. lt gives me time alone with the kids, and I love it when it's just the three of us.
Hello again, hillaryb I just thought I'd chip in again to say that I can relate to this. I have always been something of a loner. I believe I could cope with a year on my own. Don't get me wrong - I love my friends and family, but I also love contemplating things and solving problems which is something I can only really enjoy on my own (which is why I'm thinking of taking a break in the middle of nowhere soon - just me and the tent). When I lived with my ex I did enjoy her company. But I could never get her to understand that I wanted to have time to myself sometimes.

It might sound strange (and selfish) to people who've been following my break-up, but a part of me was happy to move back away from my ex. Not only because it gave me more time alone but also because I thought it might restore some of the magic which I believe we lost by living together. In that respect, I totally understand your viewpoint. And it scares me. It scares me because I want a conventional marriage one day, but I'm worried that I won't be truly ready for a long time because there's so much I want to accomplish. I'd better hurry up!
__________________
I have spread my dreams under your feet; tread softly because you tread on my dreams...

 
Old 07-15-2007, 05:48 PM   #10
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 1,130
hillaryb HB User
Re: Will I ever be really happy while married???

Please do not let me scare you away from marriage. It's not that it's awful, really

Like I said before, I'm not going anywhere. I think I really needed to talk about this with someone who isn't my husband. This would really hurt his feelings and I would never tell him. I am feeling alot better just because you guys lent me a sympathetic ear. For some reason it helps immensely. I've never told anyone any of this before. Never. Maybe that's why it bugs me so much. It's hard to go around feeling this way, and feeling like I can't feel "normal" about being married. I just have this internal struggle, alot of the time. I've been through some stuff lately and I'm probably more emotional than usual, and these are the times when I doubt myself the most.

Thank you so much for your feedback, it really makes me feel so much better. I know that whenever I want a different perspective about something going on in my life, I can come here. I am always floored by the responses offered to people on this board. Keep it coming if anyone has anything to add.

 
Old 07-15-2007, 05:56 PM   #11
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: kent
Posts: 1,448
brook65 HB User
Re: Will I ever be really happy while married???

Glad that talking to myself and others helped you.

Yeah these boards are excellent aren't they, replys from others can be really insightful at times..

Best of luck

 
Old 07-15-2007, 06:08 PM   #12
Facilitator
(female)
 
Seraph's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 4,798
Seraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB User
Re: Will I ever be really happy while married???

I can relate to all you have said, Hilary. I have only lived alone for two years in my whole life and that was in nurses' quarters.That was the happiest time of my life and if I hadn't got pregnant, I would not have married for many years. However I did, and although I love my husband dearly, I always felt claustrophobic. His parent had a joined-at-the-hip relationship with each other and he wanted the same It took many years for me to assert my essential loner-ness. My sister divorced her husband some years ago and lives alone in her little house, and I envy her deeply. I would never wish my husband to be not here; like yours sounds, he is a wonderful man and loves me dearly. He would never tell me what to do or not to do so I am pretty content with how we live. It takes time, and the most important part of it is to develop a life outside the marriage, either with work or something satisfying like personal growth work.

 
Old 07-15-2007, 10:17 PM   #13
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: usa
Posts: 3
Motocountry HB User
Re: Will I ever be really happy while married???

Great thread Hillary! I've been lurking here for some time and after reading the responses, I had to chime in.

I too am a bit of a loner. I'm 43 and have lived alone for all but one year of my adult life. (short marraige) I came out of a five year relationship a coulple of years ago, she had her house and I had mine. We spent weekends together, saw each other during the week, and talked everyday. Also, went on a few vacations together. I think that is the kind of set up I really need again. I have always thought that deep down, all women want marraige. This is a bit of an eye opener for me. And Brook, I think you are spot on when you said that dating keeps the spark in the relationship, by seeing him or her as often or as little as you like.

 
Old 07-16-2007, 02:36 AM   #14
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: kent
Posts: 1,448
brook65 HB User
Re: Will I ever be really happy while married???

Quote:
Originally Posted by Motocountry View Post
This is a bit of an eye opener for me. And Brook, I think you are spot on when you said that dating keeps the spark in the relationship, by seeing him or her as often or as little as you like.

Yeah I think so - I think there are probably more people then we realise that would prefer this kind of relationship, but because of societys conditioning, people go with the expected flow, and do what everyone else expects of them. Ofcourse there are many people that really want and love marraige, but the point is it obvioulsy doesn't suit everyone.

The thing about marraige that I wouldn't like, is the having to be with them 24/7, not because I may not love them, but as you can relate, it is nice and healthy to have some time apart. It does in my opinion keep things fresh, you don't take each other for granted, and you don't stop talking to each other. You can actually look forward to seeing your partner, and carrying on the dating, rather then thinking same old same old day in and day out. A married couple that I know were actually told by a marraige councillor to start dating again as in the beginning of their relationship.

But having said that, I do think where children are involved, than that type of relationship probably isn't the best way to go. They obvioulsy do need more security and ideally both parents together.

I think as people are all of different personalities, we have to conduct a relationship in the way we feel suits us, and not feel we have to do what is 'expected' of us.

Motocountry, I hope you can find that type of relationship again that suits you, and welcome to the board

 
Old 07-16-2007, 06:51 AM   #15
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: ohio
Posts: 495
ILYF HB User
Re: Will I ever be really happy while married???

I know to some this may sound dumb but maybe your whole unhappiness is living somewhere you don't like! You say you were living in a very nice home and neighborhood and now an apartment! I went from living on 52 acres in an area that was like a national forest to living in a large town in an apartment with tons of people all around and NO privacy. This has been enough to just make me crazy! I absolutely HATE living in this apartment to the point that I'm misserable daily! It has nothing to do with my husband but sometimes I take it out on him..HA!

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
prognosis, will this ever get better? Capecodgirl74 Depression 1 08-17-2008 12:39 PM
This will be a long post, but I need advice! catharine101 Relationship Health 20 09-28-2007 03:56 PM
Is my husband ever gonna trust me again pamelareichert Bipolar Disorder 32 07-15-2007 10:07 AM
will he ever change loralei Relationship Health 16 04-09-2007 10:57 AM
Will he ever commit - or do I give up? JaneKaye Relationship Health 10 01-08-2007 07:32 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Kszan (273), rosequartz (255), pendulum (172), Larrylou'smom (164), Seraph (160), cryingforever (132), CadenceA (131), lenvegas (103), writeleft (83), Ely4 (62)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1013), Apollo123 (909), Titchou (856), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (763), ladybud (755), midwest1 (671), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:21 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.com™
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.com™ All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!