I've been married for almost 6 years. Things are going fine. Hubby is helping lots more around the house and with the kids and is treating me quite well. I feel like I'm going through a mini (early) mid-life crisis. I'll be 31 in August btw but it probably has nothing at all to do with age. I guess I should add some background, it may help this make more sense:
I had an on-again off-again relationship through high school that resulted in me having a baby at the age of 20. This guy was my first love, but the relationship was unhealthy and we come from different backgrounds. He was from a messed up family and went to jail a couple of times for stealing as a teen, used drugs, and basically screwed up on a regular basis. I'm from a wonderful family and don't get into trouble. Sadly he was a sweet guy and wanted to be better, just never really ever straightened out. I left him before I had out baby and moved back in with my parents. When our daughter was 3, he contacted me. I NEVER got over the guy and we had a somewhat secret (parents didn't know) relationship for 2 years. He saw our daughter on occasion but she thought he was my "friend". We would just go to the store, playground, etc once in a while with him.
During the time we dated (again secretly) I really came into my own as a person. I worked and went to school and raised my daughter and felt more confident-started to take better care of my appearance and felt very good about myself, for the first time ever. He noticed. He kept telling me I had gotten really beautiful, he wanted to marry me and do right by me. I was on the verge of outing our relationship (to my parents) but became frustrated because he starting to have difficulty holding a job-finally managed to get into more trouble (dui) and finally I got mad, told him to get lost and he literally did. Without a word, he moved away to live with one of his friends, halfway across the country.
So I spent a summer single and it was the happiest time of my life. I had a great job, and my daughter was 5 and I really enjoyed her. I felt very free and did not mourn my ex leaving the way he did. I felt fantastic about it. Happiest I've ever been. I dated a tiny bit but nothing major. I got reunited with an old acquaintance during this time and finally, after a friendship of a couple of months, decided what the heck-I will date this guy. Things moved fast and he is a straight arrow, hard-working, college-educated and treated me like a queen. And I got pregnant-quite unexpectedly! I loved him and he was someone i wanted to marry so I married him and we started our own family.
Its been a bumpy ride. After lots of growing pains and difficulties, things have really leveled out. My oldest daughter is nearly eleven and our daughter together is 5 now. I never heard from my ex except one time when he showed up right before my wedding. He called me at my parent's house to tell me he was in town and said he wanted me back. I told him no thanks, I'm pregnant and getting married and he flipped out! He was devastated-I never would marry him and suddenly here I am, marrying someone I haven't even known that long. He was also very angry and I was frightened, but he went away again and I haven't heard from him since. I do know that he got married a couple of years ago. He doesn't pay child support and I don't care. he wouldn't have been consistently in my daughter's life and I didn't want her to feel frustrated by having an on-again off-again dad.
I don't like being married. I never have. I feel tied down and I feel like it even affects how I react to my kids. I feel like I was a better mother when I was a single mom though I know it's way different to have 2 kids instead of just one. I don't cheat, I cook clean, raise the kids and work. i do nice things for hubby and I know he really loves me. I don't feel in love with him. I used to, but the past year has made me feel really indifferent towards him. I feel extremely nostalgic about my life before him. I was so much happier. When he goes on business trips, I'm secretly thrilled to be alone with the kids. I just don't feel like the vibrant, ALIVE person that I was before getting married. I sometimes even feel depressed and held back. And hubby is a good guy. It isn't really his fault. I don't act all this out. Our lives are pretty normal. But I've never ever been happy being married. I loved being single. Is this normal? I don't think it's him, I really think it's all me- I would feel this way no matter WHO I married. I even feel nostalgic about the relationship I had with my ex. It was fun to not see him all the time-to live apart and DATE and not get tired of each other.
Sorry this is so long, it's been on my mind for years! By the way, I would never do something rash like run off to be free or have an affair. I'm not out to destroy my marriage and I don't think my lack of feelings for my husband is permanent or worth ending it all. I would probably feel this way regardless of who I was with. it's all me! I just keep waiting to be as happy as I was before I tied the knot. If I can't acheive that, maybe someday I would consider leaving. But I believe in trying to be happy IN my marriage, I know the grass would always be greener no matter what I do. I just really miss my old life!!!!!! So much sometimes it hurts!
What is it that you miss about your old life so much and what, besides dating other men, can you not do anymore? My husband doesn't keep me from doing anything I'd want to do...is your husband controlling?
He isn't controlling at all. If I go out with friends, he is happy for me. Anything I want to do , I can do it as far as he is concerned. If anything the ex was controlling, he just didn't succeed in keeping me down.
I don't think it's anything he does. I think it's more to do with me and how I see things now. I actually think it may have a bit to do with living in my parent's home. I lived there in the finished basement, and raised my daughter and worked and they didn't help me at all (thank goodness, I needed to know how to do those things) but maybe it was a prolonged adolescence because I had the comfort of having them around and didn't have rent to worry about, and it was a very lovely big house in a nice neighborhood with a big yard. Right now we are in an apartment.
Excuse me. You say you cook, clean, raise the kids and work. My question is: do you work outside the house? Do you have a job? If you don't have a job and if you can make the time and if you have the necessary skills to have an enjoyable job, I would advise you to get one for yourself. My impression is that a job would somehow fill in the holes in your life and restore at least in part your old sense of freedom. The point is you would do well to expand the base of your happiness; that is, don't let your happiness rely alone on your family life. Expand your horizon. Be ambitious.
As for your question: Will I ever be really happy while married?, the answer probably lies at the very end of your post: I know the grass would always be greener no matter what I do. Understand that you possibly can't retrieve your past entirely and the best step you can make is possibly looking into the future with a clever optimism and finding ways to be more useful to your community. You could also start gradually changing your present lifestyle by acquiring healthier habits, so you can keep your health when you are in your middle age. Being healthy and fit is a necessary condition if you want to be happy at any age.
If you will keep your marriage or leave it, the choice is only yours, but don't make any decision too quickly.
I am sorry I can't be more helpful other than giving you this advice.
Hillary I can totally understand what you are saying here. I am a 41 year old a single mum, and have never been married. I have had a few long term relationships but never marraige. Whilst being a single mum is hard work, the benefits of having no committed tie to someone is something I have got used to. I guess maybe I'm a bit selfish, but I am sure that if I got married tomorrow, I would feel an almightly pressure for the relationship to work.
The thing is as a young girl, I was conditioned as we all were to think that our goal in life has to be to get married and settle down. I do feel dissapointed in that I haven't yet experienced marraige, but on the otherhand, I am almost certain that deep down I don't actually want to be married.
I have my own life, and can suit myself, when dating I can see him as often or little as I like. I truely think it keeps the spark in a relationship alive. To have your own space and independance as a single mum is liberating.
In all honesty how many couples who are married are still in love? How many couples marry 'being in love'? I think a lot of marraige is about wanting security. If you are naturally an independant soul, then I would say that deep down marraige just doesn't suit your personality.
Marraige isn't for everyone, it doesn't suit everyone, I am guessing you may be a secret bit of a loner, who cherishes her own time alone, and is missing that.
I know that another poster called laylah was posting recently saying how she would consider living apart from her future husband, as it would suit her and her lifestyle.
Hey, hillaryb You sound like a very worldly-wise lady and I don't think I'm particularly well placed to dish out advice to you. But your question does make me think about something in general. Are such questions a symptom of Noughties life? In all areas, nowadays, we are preoccupied - and, indeed, indoctrinated - with ideals self-improvement and and fulfillment. The media has led us to believe that we can all lead a "perfect" life. How can this be so?
Surely my leading of my perfect life, achieving all that I want to achieve, would infringe on somebody else's pursuit of their perfect life? It doesn't work. We are all setting ourselves too high a target. And, in the mean time, we obsess over things that are beyond our personal control and that we really needn't worry about. Fulfillment is a matter of perception, surely? Look at your marriage from the glass half full angle: is it not perfect in comparison to the wife whose husband abuses and cheats on her and who ignores his children in favour of work and televised sport?
I agree with pendulum that perhaps you need to find further source of self-actualisation before re-assessing your marriage. It saddens me that the divorce rate is so high in the Western world when, nine times out of ten, a little bit of work might save the heartache. But I don't think you're suggesting that divorce is on the cards, are you? If you're simply dissatisfied with life and your relationship then be creative and see what you can do to improve your lot. But don't strive for perfection because it's a Chimera!
Last edited by ErimusValidus; 07-15-2007 at 04:34 PM.
Reason: Haha, I realise that "Chimera" is not quite the correct word, but I'll leave it in anyway!
I do work outside of the home. I really enjoy it. I Just started working this past year after staying home to raise my 2nd daughter. It really helps to have a job that I like. I guess I really don't feel that I'm suited for this. But I wouldn't leave my husband and I don't see how living apart would be a rational solution to it. I'm not always completely dissatisfied but I've never settled into marital bliss. I've always felt that although I really wanted a second child, and I would never do it without a husband again, in alot of ways it's harder than doing it my way.
Brooke, you hit the nail on the head when you said I may be a bit of a loner. I am! Always have been. I have a few good friends, that I don't even talk to daily, and I'm close with my immediate family. I love alone time. In a way it is good that my husband works alot. lt gives me time alone with the kids, and I love it when it's just the three of us.
My parents are happily married, going on 36 years now. My grandparents just celebrated their 60th anniversary and they are happy as well. I feel like leaving isn't an option, and I believe in working to keep my family together, but I've never been able to shake this longing to go back. But you can't go back, you can't relive the past, and I know that I need to make the best of what I have. The nostalgia lately is killing me though. I will hear a song from that time and it just kind of takes my breath away for a moment.
ETA: Erimus, it looks like you read me pretty well. I answered alot of your questions before I even saw your reply!!!!
Last edited by hillaryb; 07-15-2007 at 04:40 PM.
Reason: Just read ErimusValidus's reply
Brooke, you hit the nail on the head when you said I may be a bit of a loner. I am! Always have been. I have a few good friends, that I don't even talk to daily, and I'm close with my immediate family. I love alone time. In a way it is good that my husband works alot. lt gives me time alone with the kids, and I love it when it's just the three of us.
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Yeah thought you might be, as I feel that if I was married I would feel the exact way you do, cause I'm a loner also. I crave my alone time, and its a lovely feeling to be alone but not be lonely!
The thing is, I would say you would feel the same way about absolutly any partner you were married to, so it's not about not being happy with him, or being incompatable, but more about marraige suiting your personality.
Probably a good solution would be if he were to work away from home sometimes, so that you could have that time alone or with your kids. But ofcourse that may well not be a realistic option...
Brooke, you hit the nail on the head when you said I may be a bit of a loner. I am! Always have been. I have a few good friends, that I don't even talk to daily, and I'm close with my immediate family. I love alone time. In a way it is good that my husband works alot. lt gives me time alone with the kids, and I love it when it's just the three of us.
Hello again, hillaryb I just thought I'd chip in again to say that I can relate to this. I have always been something of a loner. I believe I could cope with a year on my own. Don't get me wrong - I love my friends and family, but I also love contemplating things and solving problems which is something I can only really enjoy on my own (which is why I'm thinking of taking a break in the middle of nowhere soon - just me and the tent). When I lived with my ex I did enjoy her company. But I could never get her to understand that I wanted to have time to myself sometimes.
It might sound strange (and selfish) to people who've been following my break-up, but a part of me was happy to move back away from my ex. Not only because it gave me more time alone but also because I thought it might restore some of the magic which I believe we lost by living together. In that respect, I totally understand your viewpoint. And it scares me. It scares me because I want a conventional marriage one day, but I'm worried that I won't be truly ready for a long time because there's so much I want to accomplish. I'd better hurry up!
Please do not let me scare you away from marriage. It's not that it's awful, really
Like I said before, I'm not going anywhere. I think I really needed to talk about this with someone who isn't my husband. This would really hurt his feelings and I would never tell him. I am feeling alot better just because you guys lent me a sympathetic ear. For some reason it helps immensely. I've never told anyone any of this before. Never. Maybe that's why it bugs me so much. It's hard to go around feeling this way, and feeling like I can't feel "normal" about being married. I just have this internal struggle, alot of the time. I've been through some stuff lately and I'm probably more emotional than usual, and these are the times when I doubt myself the most.
Thank you so much for your feedback, it really makes me feel so much better. I know that whenever I want a different perspective about something going on in my life, I can come here. I am always floored by the responses offered to people on this board. Keep it coming if anyone has anything to add.
I can relate to all you have said, Hilary. I have only lived alone for two years in my whole life and that was in nurses' quarters.That was the happiest time of my life and if I hadn't got pregnant, I would not have married for many years. However I did, and although I love my husband dearly, I always felt claustrophobic. His parent had a joined-at-the-hip relationship with each other and he wanted the same It took many years for me to assert my essential loner-ness. My sister divorced her husband some years ago and lives alone in her little house, and I envy her deeply. I would never wish my husband to be not here; like yours sounds, he is a wonderful man and loves me dearly. He would never tell me what to do or not to do so I am pretty content with how we live. It takes time, and the most important part of it is to develop a life outside the marriage, either with work or something satisfying like personal growth work.
Great thread Hillary! I've been lurking here for some time and after reading the responses, I had to chime in.
I too am a bit of a loner. I'm 43 and have lived alone for all but one year of my adult life. (short marraige) I came out of a five year relationship a coulple of years ago, she had her house and I had mine. We spent weekends together, saw each other during the week, and talked everyday. Also, went on a few vacations together. I think that is the kind of set up I really need again. I have always thought that deep down, all women want marraige. This is a bit of an eye opener for me. And Brook, I think you are spot on when you said that dating keeps the spark in the relationship, by seeing him or her as often or as little as you like.
This is a bit of an eye opener for me. And Brook, I think you are spot on when you said that dating keeps the spark in the relationship, by seeing him or her as often or as little as you like.
Yeah I think so - I think there are probably more people then we realise that would prefer this kind of relationship, but because of societys conditioning, people go with the expected flow, and do what everyone else expects of them. Ofcourse there are many people that really want and love marraige, but the point is it obvioulsy doesn't suit everyone.
The thing about marraige that I wouldn't like, is the having to be with them 24/7, not because I may not love them, but as you can relate, it is nice and healthy to have some time apart. It does in my opinion keep things fresh, you don't take each other for granted, and you don't stop talking to each other. You can actually look forward to seeing your partner, and carrying on the dating, rather then thinking same old same old day in and day out. A married couple that I know were actually told by a marraige councillor to start dating again as in the beginning of their relationship.
But having said that, I do think where children are involved, than that type of relationship probably isn't the best way to go. They obvioulsy do need more security and ideally both parents together.
I think as people are all of different personalities, we have to conduct a relationship in the way we feel suits us, and not feel we have to do what is 'expected' of us.
Motocountry, I hope you can find that type of relationship again that suits you, and welcome to the board
I know to some this may sound dumb but maybe your whole unhappiness is living somewhere you don't like! You say you were living in a very nice home and neighborhood and now an apartment! I went from living on 52 acres in an area that was like a national forest to living in a large town in an apartment with tons of people all around and NO privacy. This has been enough to just make me crazy! I absolutely HATE living in this apartment to the point that I'm misserable daily! It has nothing to do with my husband but sometimes I take it out on him..HA!
I think that women are often portrayed as desperately needing to be married. I never really was like that. Never dreamed of a wedding. I did want kids though. My mom wanted a wedding, I have a hard time with all that attention on me, so we compromised. We did the courthouse thing ,but dressed up, mom brought flowers, and went to the nicest restaraunt in town afterwards. Then we honeymooned. It ws nice and low key.
I think there is a stereotype out there that we all want the huge wedding with everything "perfect" and HAVE to have a husband. When we fall in love, we then are supposed to badger the boyfriend into making it official, with an on-one-knee proposal that would rival the sappiest soap-opera moment.That this is something that all girls dream of and HAVE to do.
I'm not saying that it is wrong to want those things. It's fine. I just feel weird for feeling differently. It should be said as well that not every man is a George Clooney-esque bachelor that doesn't want to be tied down and is constantly ducking and dodging women that want to make an honest man out of them. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one out there struggling with not feeling the way I'm supposed to feel.
I think I can relate to your situation just a bit. Being married...you sort of lose that sense of freedom. I didn't get married until I was 27 and have been married for 7 years now. So at times, I'll think about my ex boyfriends, the freedom that I had and the whole dating scene and sometimes I really do miss those things. Being married and having children is so different now. I do have the nicer things in life...great neighborhood, good job, nice house, nice cars, two beautiful children, a great husband who does get on my nerves at times, etc...but as Chris Rock once said...being married or having the so called "perfect life" can be very BORING at times. haha This is one of the reasons why I love this board...reading and hearing other people's situations keeps my going..I guess. I'm also trying to learn a 2nd language. I can get bored very easily, so I have to constantly look for new things to do.
So your feelings are pretty normal. However, there really isn't much you can do about it...it's just part of being married. So hang in there! It could be a lot worse!
you are perfectly right saying that women are suppose to feel that marriage and husband is the perfect world. But, you hvae to remember though that you are sharing your life with someone else (your hubby) and that is not easy no matter how darling and wonderful he is.
Although you lived indipendently at an earlier age, do you remember growing up with your parents? Didn't you like that? Having both of them there for you..I am not critisicing or judging by any means, I only want to point out that married/family life has a certain pattern that follows and it is there for a purpose: the loving family for your children.
We all think of our adventouros past and how happy and free we were when living alone. We tent to overlook at the past and forget the negative feelings of that time. I'm sure that there were things you missed than as well, but now you're focusing only on the positives of the past.
I',m sure a lot of people can relate to you, even a recent study published in the Times concluded that the majority of married people see their lives as "content" as opposed to "happy". I think you need to do things that interest you more, like focus on your career, or a great hobby you never had a chance to take on before.
I know that we tend to look at the past through rose-colored lenses hence that nostalgic feeling we all get. I will say that if I had to go home alone every day it would probably be very lonely after a while. It is comforting to have a family. I don't know why, but I just don't tend to use men for emotional support. Maybe its a fear of being let down but I always try to handle things on my own. I had a miscarriage a couple of months ago and I didn't take hubby to the doctor's office with me (he was off work) because I didn't want to cry in front of him. And I did cry alot during my ultrasound. I used to try to go to him, but the older I get the more I don't want to be dependent on him emotionally. It's scary to me, the idea that if I leaned on him, maybe I would lose the ability to be strong.
I know that we tend to look at the past through rose-colored lenses hence that nostalgic feeling we all get. I will say that if I had to go home alone every day it would probably be very lonely after a while. It is comforting to have a family. I don't know why, but I just don't tend to use men for emotional support. Maybe its a fear of being let down but I always try to handle things on my own. I had a miscarriage a couple of months ago and I didn't take hubby to the doctor's office with me (he was off work) because I didn't want to cry in front of him. And I did cry alot during my ultrasound. I used to try to go to him, but the older I get the more I don't want to be dependent on him emotionally. It's scary to me, the idea that if I leaned on him, maybe I would lose the ability to be strong.
well, men as good sources of emotional support are just very rarely effective!! lol just kidding...usually only after you ve shared so many years (or experiences, intimacy) with your hubby (or anyone else for that matter) you can be leaning on someone..
Can you see your hubby as a friend? Someone comforting when you need comfort and if you need comfort.
you dont have to lean on him for everything but you can use his support when you need it. It will make you stronger on the long term(shorter time to recuperate) and your bond together much stonger, making him a more meaningful part of your life.
I *love* to do most of my things myself, I am able to, so why not. But there are a lot of things that although I would have prefered to do it alone or would be more satisfied if I was just by myself, I still share them with him. This way I make him part of my world, and have a better connection. Think of hubby more as a companion that you bring alone..
one more thing, we never loose our strength because we share the life with someone. You can, temorarly, become co-dependent. The best way to see it is that your marriage makes two stronger persons out of you two (u and your hubby) alone. If you fear that you will loose strength, look at your survival from your past, you have plenty energy within..just use it positively, constructively
Re: Will I ever be really happy while married??? 
