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Old 07-16-2007, 10:45 PM   #1
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Your thoughts and comfort on this circumstance

I am having trouble getting this situation out of my head. Ick!

I met a guy who I thought was very cute and he was younger than me. He was obviously sexually attracted to me (he said so online) and he was openly gay.
Before I had sex with him I met him and we walked around for a bit because I said how I wanted to meet him in person first since I only knew him online and he was also friends with another friend of mine. So I felt ok doing this.

After a while of him asking me many many questions I at first got a feeling that he liked me and was interested in me. A bit later I got a negative vibe and started to feel judged. Little cut downs were placed into the conversation such as him saying "I could pronounce that better than you", I also noticed how he was trying to catch me in a lie many times and he would say "but you just said this a while ago" or "but didn't you say this earlier"....and I may have mispoke or didn't add in every detail because I was speaking in general but it was so microscopic of a mistake that I could easily clarify it and it was really no biggy but it was like he was trying to make me out to be somebody deceptive and bad. This behavior along with him wanting to debate with me continued to my home, in which he had a outburst saying "you don't know what you are takling about!!" and then minor picking at me during the sex.

I was really hot for him and didn't really pay too much attention to his behavior (I thought it was strange but didn't realize how much it hurt until later) but eventually his behavior started to get to me and I burst out crying and said how he was hurting my feelings. Everytime I gave him a compliment or became playful he would become defensive and use my words against me. He used my words that I stated earlier against me during the sex, he also intentionally lost interest in me and started ignoring me at my own house and was playing with himself and ignoring me which further hurt/damaged my feelings.

After sex, he hung around my house as I made myself a late dinner in which he hovered over me, gave me compliments in a snide tone, as I made myself dinner and he then announed he was leaving to go hang out with his friends and refused to stay the night or make a commitment to hang out later in the following week. I had asked him to return later in the week or stay the nigth in which his reply was "don't you have any friends".

I hinted for him to take a walk back to his home and let me be in peace. He then demanded that I drive him home which I thought was strange since he lived about only 1/2 a mile away from me and he didn't seem interested in me. Since I am a nice person I drove him home. On the way home he was staring at his cell phone and sending people text messages and refusing to look at me or make eye contact. This made me feel really awful. When I tried to start a conversation he would get defensive and try to catch me in a lie again which I found to be hurtful. When I got to his place he quickly jumped out of the car, quickly waved at me, and glared at me with a strange look.

The problem is I get flashes of this event over and over again and I feel so hurt every time I think of it. I just get a massive wave of guilt and hurt feelings when it pops up. I feel dirty and unattractive. I feel really hopeless and at a huge loss here. Was I duped by a narcissist?

Last edited by strongernow; 07-16-2007 at 11:06 PM.

 
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Old 07-17-2007, 01:21 AM   #2
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Re: Your thoughts and comfort on this circumstance

Quote:
Originally Posted by strongernow View Post
I am having trouble getting this situation out of my head. Ick!

...

The problem is I get flashes of this event over and over again and I feel so hurt every time I think of it. I just get a massive wave of guilt and hurt feelings when it pops up. I feel dirty and unattractive. I feel really hopeless and at a huge loss here. Was I duped by a narcissist?
Hello Strongernow!

I am wondering if your felings here have to do with this "trivial" event or with something deeper. My general impression, however, is that you simply got the wrong person, and I am sure it happens all the time when you are dating. Dating isn't foolproof, is it? To me, he appears to be a very immature and insecure person.

I see you are a serious and sensitive guy. Please don't get me wrong, but maybe you shouldn't let yourself be carried away by looks alone, unless you want a quick fix and no commitment at all, if you see what I mean. You need someone on your level, because relationship matters to you, doesn't it? Just be a little more patient. Don't lower yourself.

 
Old 07-17-2007, 02:40 AM   #3
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Re: Your thoughts and comfort on this circumstance

Strongernow, please don't take this person's rudenesses on board. I wouldn't say you were 'duped" Duped is where you are led up a false path, and you weren't. You went on a first date, and found that the person is a nasty toerag, and you are now having regrets about it. If you were to go back into the line of fire and go out with him again, then you would be duping yourself. Hold out for a nice guy, the sex isn't everything. Cross him off your list. Sera

 
Old 07-17-2007, 03:41 AM   #4
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Re: Your thoughts and comfort on this circumstance

Strongernow, you often say your not into one night stands and casual sex, but, if you go onto the net and hook up, that is all your going to get.

This guy wanted sex and that was all. Once he picked up that you were sensitive, and maybe wanted to see him again, I guess he found that amusing that you would expect anything more from a meeting via the net.

If you want to protect your feelings stronger, then you need to look for a guy in more conventional ways, and get to know them first, walking round a park for a few minutes really isn't enough time to vet and get to know someone before the itimacy of sex.

Just delete his contacts and forget him, he's done you a favour really

 
Old 07-17-2007, 03:57 AM   #5
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Re: Your thoughts and comfort on this circumstance

Please re-read your post, why would you want to be around a person like this. It seems to me that he was playing a game, and was having some fun at your expense. He is simply NOT a good person and someone you should waste your emotions on. It's not your fault he's a user, it makes him feel powerful to make others feel horrible. Get him out of your head and out of your life, he has an abusive personality, and destroys others.

 
Old 07-17-2007, 05:56 AM   #6
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Re: Your thoughts and comfort on this circumstance

I can't understand why you would still allow him back to your house after you already thought he was being rude and weird toward you when you were walking around in the first place? This is what women would refer to as "red flags" and I'm sure it applies equally to gay relationships as it does to hetero ones, as well. ANY time you are with someone who makes you feel in any way uncomfortable or who says something that makes you feel weird in a bad way, you should NEVER let things progress from there because you're doing so at your own risk!

You've had similar situations like this happen to you before where you totally ignored the fact that these guys were being rude from the very beginning of your meeting, but you take them home anyway and then you sit there feeling bad about it afterwards. If you can't see that this is a pattern of yours that needs to stop, then perhaps you still need to go to counselling to understand why you feel the need to get yourself in these types of situations.

Whether male or female, all of us need to listen to our gut feelings. For women, we call this intuition, and guys usually call it a gut feeling. Any time you are in a situation where someone is making you feel bad about yourself or if you are questioning why they are saying certain things that are making you uncomfortable, it's your job to get out of that situation and not hang around with that person anymore! No one else is going to do that for you! You have to be the one to do that! So next time something like this happens, instead of ignoring your weird feelings about why something doesn't feel right, just say thanks but no thanks and be on your way!

 
Old 07-17-2007, 06:17 AM   #7
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Re: Your thoughts and comfort on this circumstance

Chalk this one up to a lesson learned. He isn't worth your time or worry. He used you, you allowed that to happen. Don't let it happen again. There is someone out there who will like and value you for the wonderful person you are! Call this what it was.....steer clear of him from now on, and look elsewhere. You deserve better than that kind of treatment!
Mileena

 
Old 07-17-2007, 06:46 AM   #8
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Re: Your thoughts and comfort on this circumstance

I noticed that Brook said that you have said before that you do not want to have any more ONS and I also remember this comment from you...so why did you not stick to your guns and live by your own rules!? He was already being a jerk...why would he have been any different after sex? You know that you will feel guilty after a ONS so don't do it anymore!!!!! You can't change the fact that you've already done it so don't dwell on it..just learn from the mistake!

 
Old 07-17-2007, 07:40 AM   #9
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Re: Your thoughts and comfort on this circumstance

is this in your new progressive town?

 
Old 07-17-2007, 11:33 AM   #10
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Re: Your thoughts and comfort on this circumstance

Hi
No, not at all. I've been relaxing, keeping fit, about to go swimming some day soon, preparing for school, and trying to make friends for the last couple weeks. So far I've made three new gay friends. I am also surprised that my roommate is a decent guy. I may not have a lot in common with him but he is friendly, responsible, and talks a lot which is cool. I've been pretty happy besides having a nightmare about what I just wrote about.

This situation happened back right before I graduated. Over 2 months ago. I just couldn't get it out of my head. Something really menacing and hurtful about it. I've been a good boy every since though. And I know what you are getting at. You want me to stick to my values and not do anything sleazy in this new town.

So far, I think one gay guy is after me. He doesn't just want to be friends he wants some action according to my gut feeling. So I think I will have to lay down the law and remind myself I know how painful it will be when he dumps me and treats me like dirt during the sex.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
is this in your new progressive town?

Last edited by strongernow; 07-17-2007 at 11:45 AM.

 
Old 07-17-2007, 11:55 AM   #11
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Re: Your thoughts and comfort on this circumstance

Hi,

Unfortunately, these things happen and we make wrong judgments. There is a saying that goes something like "How are you supposed to have a beautiful life, if you don't make beautiful mistakes". This was a learning lesson for you. You need to circle yourself with better people, why would you want to hang out or have anything to do with this rude, mean, person? You sound like you are so much better than that! Forgive yourself for making a bad decision, and try to move forward. Try to make good friends and be more careful. Keep your eyes open. Be happy and stay halthy.

good luck.

 
Old 07-18-2007, 06:59 AM   #12
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Re: Your thoughts and comfort on this circumstance

WHy are you having sex with anyone you first meet? I hope you use condoms and get tested for std's often. And I am not saying this because you are gay, i am saying it because you seem to have sex on the first date and I would tell anyone that.

You do not seem to respect yourself at all and that is a problem. You let these guys see you and you have sex and that is it. YOU dont seem to realize that this will hurt you in the future when the right person comes around. Although you seem to say you are looking for a relationship, you dont seem to really wanting one if you are always looking to hook up.

Just live your life and start learning to respect yourself and people will see that you do and therefore respect you as well. If you treat yourself as a doormat and let people walk all over you then that is what will always happen. Telling someone hey I would like to take it slow is not wrong. If that guy had come to your house and you said hey i just wnat to date that would have been different but you let him go there with the interest of sex. No different than a girl doing it or a guy doing it to girl. This guy that was there clearly wanted to get off and that was it. And those are the ones that carry diseases. weather orally or otherwise so please please be careful.

Remember take time for you and just live your life, if the person is right it will happen. But finding some guy on the internet is not the way to meet someone nice. I would say this to anyone, the internet shoudl not be used as a dating service. It is only for ONS which you have noticed. Please respect yourself dear. Your life is far more important than living it without respect.

 
Old 07-18-2007, 07:34 AM   #13
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Re: Your thoughts and comfort on this circumstance

I'll second the "use protection"...I've been hearing that there are a lot of gay men that just go around spreading HIV on purpose! It's like they are ****** at the world and want to get back at someone/anyone! I think you are taking double risk since you are gay. The way you describe this man...he seems like I'd be suspicious that he was just that man too! His actions seemed weird to say the least!

 
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