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Old 07-18-2007, 01:49 PM   #1
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how to move out on my own without starting a fight?

Hey Guys,

My lease is almost up. Long story made short - things are not working out with my boyfriend. He has changed so much over time. He used to be really controlling, paranoid and needy. The clingy-ness hasnt changed much. I have come to the conclusion that he basically relies on me to make him happy - which is an absolute

The controlling aspect of him has improved tremendously. He has put so much effort that I feel bad. It's apparent that we are just not going to work out no matter what he does. We are just not compatible. He is complacent and wants to get married - I dont want that. I want to go to school and do so many things with my life. I dont want to be a wife stuck in a kitchen taking care of my family.

We can't communicate. Apart from the obvious that he is ignorant at times and his maturity level is way low... he is not intellectually stimulating at all. He doesnt like to read. He doesnt like documentaries. I feel like he is a really dull blade. When I read to him a caption of something absolutely appalling or fascinating in an article - he tells me right up he doesnt really care and he just wants me to close it and watch ESPN with him. I just cant handle it.

He is very caring and nice... he would do anything in the world for me but...its just not clicking. As I was saying, we live together and our lease is almost up. He clearly wants to move else where with me. However, I want to live on my own. I'm hoping this would help with gradually breaking away from him. How do I tell him that I have explored the LIVE-IN life enough and I just want to live on my own now? I still wouldnt mind dating him - I just dont want to live with him anymore. I want my own space and I want to be in charge of my own time and life. Im suffocating.

I want to tell him that I just want to live on my own without starting a fight... without hearing the guilt trip and without having to deal with the crying and begging.

Help?!

 
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Old 07-18-2007, 02:39 PM   #2
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Re: how to move out on my own without starting a fight?

hey Hazel,
I remeber you having problem with the abusive BF...no easy thing to do, but at least you have a good opportunity coming up. You can talk to him and tell him what you want, tell him that you re not happy with the situation now and would like to live in your own space.

Or just rent another place, and make it defacto when you tell him. good luck, it's about time you'd do it

 
Old 07-18-2007, 03:13 PM   #3
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Re: how to move out on my own without starting a fight?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hazel_Eyes View Post
I want to tell him that I just want to live on my own without starting a fight... without hearing the guilt trip and without having to deal with the crying and begging.
Hi Hazel. I remember you too! I hate to break it to you, and forgive me if I sound harsh here, but that is never going to happen! There is no way he is just going to allow you to do exactly what you want without protesting. He is happy with the way things are and he will say or do anything to keep it that way and you need to prepare yourself for that.

You need to sit him down and tell him the truth. Tell him that you are not happy and that you are just not compatible. Let him know you would like to continue dating him (which I strongly advise against) if that is the case, but you will no longer be living together. You deserve your own space and not feel smothered. I think this is one of the best things you can do for yourself.

If he takes it badly (which I'm sure he will) you can always just get another apartment (preferably in another town) and not let him know where you are going.

Good luck and let us know how the talk goes.

Last edited by happymom28; 07-18-2007 at 03:13 PM.

 
Old 07-18-2007, 03:42 PM   #4
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Re: how to move out on my own without starting a fight?

I agree with the last poster. I remember you as well.

 
Old 07-18-2007, 03:53 PM   #5
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Re: how to move out on my own without starting a fight?

You should move out on your own and not date him anymore. I also recall your posts and I would have hoped, through the excellent advice you received here, that you would have dumped this guy by now. I don't understand why you're still with him in the first place?

Don't you see that this is your chance to finally get away? You have a perfect excuse, since the lease is up! Don't let this opportunity pass you by. If you do, you're going to sit there feeling like crap every day knowing that you had your chance to end this charade, but you were to afraid to take it. You'll resent yourself and you'll never get away if you don't do it NOW!

 
Old 07-19-2007, 05:49 AM   #6
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Re: how to move out on my own without starting a fight?

Ladies, most of you speak fro experience. Let's face it, it's never easy to dump somebody you care and love IRREGARDLESS of whether they are abusive, controlling, psycho or in my situation... all of the above.

Honestly, he is a nice guy. I have seen and heard of worse. I do commend him - he has made leaps and bounds!!! He used to get so riled up over what I wore - now, he has really calmed down. In fact, he is not irrational compared to how he used to be. I'm not saying he has fully transformed. He has changed a lot. I dont know if its temporary or if its for good. I just want to give him credit too.

The fact that we live together and signed both of our names on the lease is one factor of me staying. He obviously wouldnt move out and I didnt want to either. I have been too busy with work that moving out and finding another place is the last thing on my to-do list. Besides, I chose that condo and I placed the down payment! As I have mentioned earlier, he has changed a lot. He has tried and put so much effort. He used to have problems with me doing my own thing on Saturdays. He works on Saturdays and he didnt want me running around town. Now, he asks what I'm up to. If I got my hair done, he asks what color... if I got my toe nails painted... he'll ask... I mean its small stuff but still. Back then, he would not have cared and said something crappy like "It must be nice to do that"

I know Im better off on my own. Despite the fact that I feel sorry for him and I really dont want to hurt his feelings... I know I dont want to spend the rest of my life with him. If I keep staying because of the changes and because I dont want to hurt him... I know I will regret it.

It's just really hard. I dont know how to tell him we are not compatible. I just dont know how to deal with him crying and beggin me not to leave and the whole I-cant-live-without-you line.

I guess the reason I said I want to continue dating him is because not that I really do want to but more for him. I think it would be easier to move out if I told him I still wanted to see him. I think its easier to gradually wean him off than telling him... okay, lease is up. Im gone! Thanks!

Im really struggling with this. How do you really tell somebody its not working out? I do care for him and I will miss him... I just know that I need to end it or I will really regret it. I dont want to be stuck.

How did you ladies break it to your partner? I mean... how did you really tell them?

 
Old 07-19-2007, 06:39 AM   #7
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Re: how to move out on my own without starting a fight?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hazel_Eyes View Post
I know Im better off on my own. Despite the fact that I feel sorry for him and I really dont want to hurt his feelings... I know I dont want to spend the rest of my life with him. If I keep staying because of the changes and because I dont want to hurt him... I know I will regret it.
If you know in your heart that you are better of on your own then that is what you need to do. I know that you want to avoid hurting him but that just isn't possible. Staying because you don't want to hurt him isn't fair to either one of you either.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hazel_Eyes
I guess the reason I said I want to continue dating him is because not that I really do want to but more for him. I think it would be easier to move out if I told him I still wanted to see him. I think its easier to gradually wean him off than telling him... okay, lease is up. Im gone! Thanks!
You may think it is easier to wean him off gradually but it is to your benefit to just do it, like ripping off a bandaid. You are worrying way too much about his feelings instead of your own. You are the only person and the only person's feelings you are responsible for. You can't always make somebody else happy, unless you constantly sacrafice your needs.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hazel_Eyes
How did you ladies break it to your partner? I mean... how did you really tell them?
I told him to get out more times than I care to count. He would argue, promise change, blah, blah, blah, but I made it very clear the final time I ended it that I was done. I told him he was not the right person for me. I told him that we wanted two different things and I was no longer going to put my needs and wants to the side for him. I told him that I deserved way more respect than he gave me. Don't get me wrong, we fought and it got ugly, but he left. He spent months trying to get back with me after the final time too. I stuck to my guns because I was much happier without him. When he found out I was serious about my now husband he did some stupid things and I had to get a restraining order against him. I haven't had to deal with him for nearly 2 years and I am very happy about that.

You are the only one who can decide what to do. I just think from my experience you are much better off ending it instead of stringing him along and allowing him to think you want to have a future with him. You are being unfair to yourself (and to him) doing that. You have the perfect opportunity to do it now and I think you will be kicking yourself if you don't take advantage of it.

 
Old 07-19-2007, 08:16 AM   #8
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Re: how to move out on my own without starting a fight?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hazel_Eyes View Post
How did you ladies break it to your partner? I mean... how did you really tell them?
The leasing agent did when she called the house to say that I had got the rental unit I had applied for and he answered the phone.

He was controlling and abusive and I just had to get out. I went through telling him I wanted to move out and him promising to change only to go back to the drinking and the abuse. I also had to get a restraining order against him after he found out I was dating someone else because he started threatening me and my family. This was 5 years ago and my life is so much better now that I left him. I think you will have much more clarity once you are out on your own and you get to feel the relief of not walking on eggshells anymore.

Last edited by neway; 07-19-2007 at 08:18 AM.

 
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