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Old 07-23-2007, 08:13 PM   #1
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A guy, a girl, and her gay friend

Is it justifable to be uncomfortable with your fiance sleeping in the same bed with another man, even if the man is gay?

She and this guy have been friends for years, and recently she has begun to periodically stay at his house for a few days (they had lost contact with each other for a while and have recently started hanging out again, so I assume they're trying to make up for lost time). It wasn't until recently that she mentioned they always sleep in the same bed when she stays there.

I know I can be paranoid, and jealous (something I work on and she is understanding with) and OBVIOUSLY I'm not worried that anything would "happen" during these sleepovers, but that fact that she is sharing a twin sized bed with another man (regardless of sexual orientation) bothers me, if only for sentimental-esque reasons. And then there's the paranoid part of me wondering, that since they're such close friends, and he's gay, does she feel its okay to cuddle while they sleep? get undressed/change in front of him? even sleep naked like she does with me? Again, yeah, nothing would happen, but its an intimacy that is for a couple alone, and in my eyes, inappropriate to be shared with any one else.

Is there any justification to my issue with this? Would anyone else have the same feelings? If so, how do I address it? I certainly don't want to ruin her friendship (or our relationship) in anyway.

 
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Old 07-23-2007, 09:45 PM   #2
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Re: A guy, a girl, and her gay friend

I was almost going to say that since he's gay then it's not a big deal, UNTIL I read the part about it being a twin bed. What the H? Seriously! THAT is the part that is very weird about this.

I don't know, I just think it's very strange and I wouldn't be comfortable with it either if I were you. I just can't find justification for this in my experience. I don't have any gay guy friends, but if I did, I would only sleep in the same bed if it was a queen bed or larger. But a TWIN? Is she HIGH? Tell your g/f to put down the crack pipe and quit sleeping in such a tiny bed with another guy. Gay or not, that's just all kinds of eff'd up and wrong!

 
Old 07-23-2007, 09:50 PM   #3
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Re: A guy, a girl, and her gay friend

Thanks for the reply. How exactly should I handle it? I dont want to cause a fight, which will probably happen. Tact. Its what I'm missing.

 
Old 07-23-2007, 09:54 PM   #4
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Re: A guy, a girl, and her gay friend

That's the hard part. I'm really not sure how you can approach the subject with her without upsetting her. I mean, I'm pretty sure that she'll insist that nothing has ever nor will ever happen, and that's true I'm sure. It's just that it's a TWIN BED for pete's sake! So I'm really not sure how you can bring this up.

Someone else might have some suggestions. But I think it's definitely somethign you need to talk about with her. I don't think you should be mean about it, but I think a conversation is definitely in order. A conversation, not an argument.

 
Old 07-23-2007, 10:06 PM   #5
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Re: A guy, a girl, and her gay friend

Coincidentally, she's going over there tomorrow (tuesday) night. I wont see her until thursday evening, since we dont live together (i think we're the only couple out there who doesnt). Should I bring it up before then (over the phone) or when I see her on thursday? I'm leaning toward thursday for a couple of reasons: 1) face to face is always better 2) if i dont mention it until after its happened, (hopefully) she'll understand that it isnt a jealousy thing, since I waited. I'm kind of wondering how I should bring it up; playing forgetful and asking where she slept?/out and out saying, hey, your sleeping arrangments bother me?

It just sucks because I feel like I always have some issue with what she says or does, justified or not, and in turn, she constantly feels like she's doing something wrong, whether she is or isnt. Admittedly, many of the times, I should have just kept my mouth shut. Its the one thing that keeps us from being a perfect couple. That damn jealousy/slightly different views on whats cool or not is the ONLY thing we ever fight about, and its like clock work. We're doing better with it, both growing and learning, but I want to avoid these things as much as possible, but at the same time, I cant keep sleeping alone in my bed knowing that she is cuddled next to some other guy, even if it is a lifelong gay friend.

Poop.

 
Old 07-23-2007, 10:48 PM   #6
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Re: A guy, a girl, and her gay friend

This is really a strange situation. My first impulse would be to ask her why she is sleeping in a twin bed with him (difficult on a comfort level) . Is there not another bed or a couch in the apartment/house or does the setup consist of one room with one twin bed? (in that case he should get a sleeping bag for himself so she can be comfortable). I would try to get her to see the inappropriate nature of this arrangement. Very weird.
I don't think you should worry about her reaction. This is very odd behavior on her part and if this is an example of the way she looks at things, maybe you are justified in always having issues with what she's doing.

Last edited by Andrea84; 07-23-2007 at 10:55 PM. Reason: typo

 
Old 07-23-2007, 11:09 PM   #7
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Re: A guy, a girl, and her gay friend

Maybe you should ask her how she felt if you were sleeping with your gay friend who was a girl?

Just the being that a man and a woman are in the same bed, and a twin bed at that, is just not reasonably fair to the other in the relationship.

Gay or not, he could even be bi.

 
Old 07-24-2007, 12:21 AM   #8
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Re: A guy, a girl, and her gay friend

Would it give you the same reaction if she was sharing a twin bed with another girl? I would think sharing a twin bed with ANYONE is pretty darn strange.

What if it was a queen size bed? How would it make you feel then? (you don't have to answer these questions, but you should know the answers to them.)

I think you should definitely wait to talk to her in person. When you talk to her about it, you have to be able to very clearly express WHY it bothers you. So, be sure in your head why it actually does bother you. I would not try to make light of it at all, because that just diminishes your position on the issue. I think if you're as genuine as you sound, and if you guys have been making progress on things as you've stated, and if you do this in a non confrontational manner, then I think she will appreciate it if you're just straight forward and open and honest about how this makes you feel. I mean, hopefully she'll use the conversation to explain to you why things are the way they are, and she'll want to make you completely comfortable with the situation.

Good luck. I for one am curious about how this will all turn out!

 
Old 07-24-2007, 12:47 AM   #9
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Re: A guy, a girl, and her gay friend

You say this guy is a lifelong friend of your fiancee? No doubt they have been having sleepovers long long before you came on the scene. I only say this because it cannot have occurred to her that there was anything strange about it. I imagine her mentioning it as something that is neither here nor there. When you do tell her it bothers you, I am sure that it will come as a minor shock to her. So there may be a bit of conflict. I personally cannot see what the concern here is, I have gay friends with whom we used to go on holidays and all shared tents, beds, and hotel rooms. The whole sex thing was absolutely absent from the mix totally. These two people have a history together that is their own.. I wonder if it is this as much as the sleeping arrangements that is bothering you. It is hard for somebody with jealousy issues to accept that the partner has a life outside the relationship. Take a good look at what and why you are bothered about before you take it up with your fiancee.

 
Old 07-24-2007, 02:11 AM   #10
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Re: A guy, a girl, and her gay friend

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Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
You say this guy is a lifelong friend of your fiancee? No doubt they have been having sleepovers long long before you came on the scene. I only say this because it cannot have occurred to her that there was anything strange about it. I imagine her mentioning it as something that is neither here nor there. When you do tell her it bothers you, I am sure that it will come as a minor shock to her. So there may be a bit of conflict. I personally cannot see what the concern here is, I have gay friends with whom we used to go on holidays and all shared tents, beds, and hotel rooms. The whole sex thing was absolutely absent from the mix totally. These two people have a history together that is their own.. I wonder if it is this as much as the sleeping arrangements that is bothering you. It is hard for somebody with jealousy issues to accept that the partner has a life outside the relationship. Take a good look at what and why you are bothered about before you take it up with your fiancee.
Uhm... I don't know.

By the way, does she never sleep with you?

It's quite possible for a gay man to have occasional sex with a woman, if she is an experienced and patient partner and in particular if there's already a degree of intimacy, but I don't think your girl-friend is doing it with him, although some cuddling might be possibly happening between them.

I don't know how old or how open-minded she is, but in my opinion what she is doing is inadequate: not so much about having and keeping a gay friend, but about sleeping with him in a twin bed. Doesn't she have a cue? Is she so innocent as not to realize that she is making a blunder and you look embarrassed? It's not so much a question of jealousy (although it's ok to be a little jealous) but of devotion. If you are her boy-friend, you will be number one in her life and she must avoid doing things that displease you.

Unless her (gay) friend is in turmoil and in need of her support right now, I think she'd be better to move away a little from him in the interest of her relationship with you. Even if it were a friend of the same sex, she would have to leave her a little in order to put you in the first place. This is the most basic rule, as far as I can see, but maybe things have changed in recent years?

Yes, talk to her, like the others suggest (Sarahbellum in special). If she doesn't comply, if she makes little of your concerns, maybe it's time to reconsider the whole relationship. Good luck.

 
Old 07-24-2007, 05:20 AM   #11
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Re: A guy, a girl, and her gay friend

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If you are her boy-friend, you will be number one in her life and she must avoid doing things that displease you.
Wow, Pendulum, this could cover a lot of stuff a girl would have to give up if she had a controlling BF. It is a license to dominate, totally inappropriate in this day and age. OP, I do agree that you should talk it over with your fiancee, but bear in mind that any sleeping in the same twin bed is probably only a temporary issue anyway, bearing in mind that the two of you will be living together sooner or later. You could always buy her a folding bed for guests, as a hint.

 
Old 07-24-2007, 07:00 AM   #12
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Re: A guy, a girl, and her gay friend

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Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
Wow, Pendulum, this could cover a lot of stuff a girl would have to give up if she had a controlling BF. It is a license to dominate, totally inappropriate in this day and age. OP, I do agree that you should talk it over with your fiancee, but bear in mind that any sleeping in the same twin bed is probably only a temporary issue anyway, bearing in mind that the two of you will be living together sooner or later. You could always buy her a folding bed for guests, as a hint.
But I forgot to add that she must also be number one in his life. I didn't mean they should control each other's life. That would be absurd. But when you are in love, when you are really commited, why can't you make some concessions? That was my point.

 
Old 07-24-2007, 07:49 AM   #13
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Re: A guy, a girl, and her gay friend

I honestly don't see what the big deal is, but then again, I live in a place where space is tight and people don't really think so much about who's sleeping in what bed with whom. I also see a lot of cultural differences in terms of sleeping in the same bed. My roommate is European, and when her aunt comes to visit, she often travels with her gay male friend of many years. They sleep in the same bed when they stay here, and she is married.

I agree with the concept of asking yourself if it would bother you if she was sleeping with a female friend. If you decide to talk to your girlfriend about it, maybe you can pose it as an intimacy issue. Is that what bothers you- that she is in such close proximity to another male, whether he's gay or not?

You certainly have a right to your feelings, but it's how you discuss them with her that will make or break this. Are you prepared for her to say that she will not stop sleeping in the same bed with him? Is this a dealbreaker for you? Maybe you should ask yourself these questions before you approach it.

 
Old 07-24-2007, 08:16 AM   #14
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Re: A guy, a girl, and her gay friend

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I agree with the concept of asking yourself if it would bother you if she was sleeping with a female friend. If you decide to talk to your girlfriend about it, maybe you can pose it as an intimacy issue. Is that what bothers you- that she is in such close proximity to another male, whether he's gay or not?

You certainly have a right to your feelings, but it's how you discuss them with her that will make or break this. Are you prepared for her to say that she will not stop sleeping in the same bed with him? Is this a dealbreaker for you? Maybe you should ask yourself these questions before you approach it.
I agree with what bulletproof says here. You should definately ask yourself these questions before you approach the subject with her and be prepared if she gives you answers that you are not going to like.

 
Old 07-24-2007, 08:36 AM   #15
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Re: A guy, a girl, and her gay friend

This would bother me, not because she's sleeping with a guy and you dont trust either of them, but because of the intamcy of it, not sexually. But as you mentioned, you don't know where she's drawing the line; do they sleep side by side- head to head, or flip like head to feet, do they snuggle up together.. which would be hard not to do in a twin. That's the part that would erk me.. if my SO was cuddling up with someone else. I know it's a silly jealousy/insecurity issue on my part...but we can't control our emotions.

Have you asked her why they share a bed? I mean, is there no other option, or they just like to? I understand that they want to catch up on lost time.. but they can't do that in their sleep! It just seems unnecessary for them to share. Unless it was a queen or larger, then I could understand a little more.

When you bring it up to her, do it in person. Maybe start by asking her why they share the twin bed. Isn't it uncomfortable? Then you should just honestly say "I know I have nothing to worry about as far as anything happening, but you sharing such a small bed with another person wierds me out a little bit." Ask her to help you understand why they want/need to share a bed. You'll drive yourself crazy if you never mention it. If you're calm about it, then she shouldn't get angry.. at least not if anything is going on. (In my opinion people only get defensive about things if they have something to hide.) She may even laugh in a "you're so silly" kind of way. But you're feelings do matter too. And any situation that makes you uncomfortable needs to be addressed. If her and her friend respect you, then they least they can do is separate for the night. An airmattress isn't that exspensive!!

 
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