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Old 07-24-2007, 03:08 PM   #1
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What do you think about this?? I'm at a loss!

Ok first off please don't judge me. I've made mistakes and have tried to fix those mistakes. I started dating my current bf almost 3 years ago. We dated for about 6 months and we broke up. He got back together with his ex at this time. I ended up pregnant and found out about it around 7 weeks cause I was on bc. Well I found out she also was pregnant. I didn't tell him at all. He ended up getting married to her (I think she got pregnant on purpose to keep him) for money since they were in the military. I had a miscarriage a week later. A week after that he left for Iraq. Before he left I called him to tell him about the miscarriage because I was devastated and he came over and comforted me and we were talking again since he was leaving for Iraq. He left for Iraq and he told me that he was going to divorce her when he got back and how he wished that he realized that I was pregnant first and all these things. We broke up for something so stupid that I can't even remember now. He was in Iraq for a whole year. Well as things got closer to his baby being born he said he was going to try to work on things with her for his son. We stopped talking altogether. He got back from Iraq and within a week she was pregnant again. He didn't learn his lesson. So that was in February or last year. He left her and moved 4 hours away from her and shared custody of his son with her in June. We started talking again. Everything was going great. We had 4 months together again. Well he moved closer to her before the second baby was born. I broke up with him because I couldn't deal with that. He moved in with her after the baby was born since we weren't together anymore. He was there for almost 3 months and started contacting me again saying he wanted to work on things with me and was leaving her. Well less than a week later on the 2 year anniversary of our angel that I miscarried he lost his daughter to SIDS at almost 3 months old. That changed everything. He couldn't just leave because he was concerned about his son. So it has been 5 months since he lost his daughter and we have been talking again for the past 3 months. We have been working on our relationship and he is starting his divorce. It has just started. We have been planning everything.. we are going to move in together and get married and everything. We will be 4 hours away from her and he will split custody of his son with her. He went up to NY this weekend where we are going to be moving. I haven't really talked to him too much. I went up with him on Friday and had to leave to go to work on Saturday. Everything was fine on Friday and Saturday morning. I called on my way home and we talked and then I called at midnight when I got off of work as I was on my way out for a girl's night. He couldn't really talk then. So I went to work the next day until midnight and came home and saw that he was online. So I wrote to him and he told me that he had a horrible day and he'll tell me about it when he called. But he hasn't called. I tried calling on Monday and texting on Monday and nothing. So I sent him an email telling him that I am freaking out and that if he needs space to deal with his issues that I'll give him that and hopefully I'll be there when he is ready. I thought he would have written back to it. I know he read the emails but he didn't respond. I still haven't heard from him. I have no idea what happened!!! I have been hysterical all day. I love him so much and I know that I said that maybe I'll be there for him but I want to be there. I want to be together and everything for him. The only reason we aren't together right now is because I am finishing my second bachelors degree and graduating in November and we were supposed to be moving in together then. And now I've heard nothing from him since Sunday night on AIM. I don't know what happened and don't know what is going on. I think that things may be over. But we were just so happy the other day. I don't get it. I can't deal with this at this point. I just don't know what to do. Any advice? Any ideas? Anything? Should I just move on now? I don't know what to do!! Help!!!

 
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Old 07-24-2007, 03:15 PM   #2
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Re: What do you think about this?? I'm at a loss!

I really don't understand, it sounds like he has a lot of stuff going on in his life right now. Maybe he just needs some time for it all to settle down before he can talk to you. He can't just fall off the face of the earth, right? At some point he will contact you or you should keep contacting him until you get your answer.

 
Old 07-24-2007, 03:27 PM   #3
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Re: What do you think about this?? I'm at a loss!

First, my deepest sympathies on the loss of your child and on his.

This guy has been fighting a war, and learned that while he was hooking up with and marrying his ex girlfriend, you were miscarrying his other child thatn he never even knew was forming, then just when he's considering leaving her, she's pregnant again, then his child dies suddenly, and that was only 5 months ago?

Honey, talk about your heavy duty stuff!! This guy has so much on his plate it isn't funny. Don't freak out. Take a deep breath, first of all. I know you're going through a lot right now, but so is he. And think about what his wife is going through as well. Her baby died 5 months ago, now he's leaving her and her family and home are being torn apart. It's not going to be as easy for him as "sorry it didn't work out, see ya."

I don't mean to be harsh or to discount your feelings or what you want, but I do feel you're trying to rush things just a bit. I know you feel like he belongs to you and he made a mistake by going back to her and marrying her and he needs to correct that mistake fast, but the bottom line his, he did marry her and have two kids with her, mistake or not, she's his wife, who just lost their child, and a human being and she deserves a bit more than just a quick brush off. This situation is terribly hard on all parties involved.

I think he's just going to need some time. Maybe the idea of getting back together with you, as much as he may want it, is still too new and scary, and he's not yet comfortable coming to you with all his problems. Maybe he's taking a silent time out to sort things out for himself and to deal with his wife. Give it some time. If it were me, I'd give it even a week. I don't really recomment hounding him and bombarding him with phone messages and emails or whatnot. Give him at least a few more days before you contact him again to let him you you're still there for him and you still love him. This is A LOT for all of you to be dealing with, and working through all of it can't be rushed. No matter how hungry you are, you don't want to eat a piece of fruit before it's ripe, or a cake before it's finished baking, do you? Things need to be sorted out. Take a deep breath and give him and yourself a little time before you plan your next step.

 
Old 07-24-2007, 03:30 PM   #4
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Re: What do you think about this?? I'm at a loss!

He definately has a lot going on right now and no doubt his head is a mess. I have no idea why he hasn't contacted you yet, but as the previous poster said, he couldn't have just fallen off the face of the earth. There may very well be a very reasonable explanation like his son got sick or something like that. Since he hasn't returned any of your attempts at contacting him maybe you should let it go for the night. Let him handle whatever it is he needs to handle and then try calling him in the morning. If he doesn't answer then leave him a message and just tell him that you are worried about him and want to make sure everything is okay. Ask him if he can at least text you to let you know that and put your mind at ease.

I know you are worried, and given your history I can understand why you would be freaking out. Try to understand that with his son and the death of his other child he has a lot to sort out. I'm sure his soon to be ex isn't making it easy on him either.

 
Old 07-24-2007, 03:41 PM   #5
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Re: What do you think about this?? I'm at a loss!

Thank you so much!!! I am just so scared when I don't hear from him that nothing is going to work out and that I have wasted 3 years of my life that I don't really look at the whole picture which is why I posted here. I have only tried calling him and texting him on Monday and it was 2 phone calls and one text and then emailed him my feelings and then telling him if he wants to take some time to go through everything I understand. I just love him so much and we have gone through so much together that when I don't hear from him it makes me so nervous.. I start thinking of a thousand things.. like is she pregnant again?!?, does he not want to be with me, should I move on, etc. I do feel bad for her for losing her daughter but not for losing him. She is abusive and punches, kicks, slaps, and throws things at him. She has punched him in the face one time.. luckily he had turned away and it hit the side of his head. Her parents support him and not their own daughter. And she has been doing this all since before she lost her daughter. So I want him out of it for me and also for himself. I keep telling him to move up to NY where we will move when I'm done with school until I can move up there. He has family and friends up there to help him through. I just don't want him in that environment.. I'm afraid about what will happen if she snaps and their son who is almost 2 walks past. She put a hole in the wall with the baby's chair the other day. That all makes me nervous. I think if he sent me an email saying that he does need to take some time to sort through things but he will be there when it resolves it would make things easier. I just don't know what is going on and worry that he is done with everything. I want to know if he is done! I shouldn't be stuck here waiting to find out he is done and not coming back. I just hate this not knowing and waiting and worrying. I have to concentrate on school as I am in my final week of this semester. At least I have August off and only have to worry about working then. But I need to concentrate enough to get stuff done this week. I hate this feeling!! But thank you again for responding. It helps to hear from people who are on the outside looking in.. instead of my friends who are concerned more about me than really what is happening. They want things to work between us so bad since they have followed through all of this for 3 years!

Last edited by LJ56; 07-24-2007 at 04:08 PM.

 
Old 07-24-2007, 04:18 PM   #6
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Re: What do you think about this?? I'm at a loss!

I dont mean to be harsh either so i will say this first.

I am deeply sorry for the loss of your baby. No woman should have to go through and i am sorry you had to.

On another note. You are the other woman. I am sure you already know this. But so does his wife. Let me tell ya, i am a wife and if some witch was foolin around with my man I'd be pretty po'd too. I would have issues as well. You have no clue what happens in a wife's mind when they are going through it. BUT i am pretty sure he will do the same to you. If one woman wasnt good enough for him then you wont be the last. Or better yet you have no idea if you are the only other woman.

You suffered a great loss and so did she. She deserved better then what he gave her. And that is wrong! Shame on him for putting her through this. Not only did she have to go through a baby with sids but a husband who is a cheat and a liar and doesnt want to be with her Oh how that must have made her feel. And i am sure she knew right off the bat that he was cheating or speaking with another woman. And that too is crappy to give to her. So what how she got pregnant, your baby wasnt better than her or vise versa. (not saying every baby isnt special. I think they all are and have 4 myself) but what i am trying to say is he had an obligation to her when he put a ring on his and her finger. He chose to screw that up. He doesnt call you when he is scared and freaks out and needs "space" sorry but that only ends up badly. How much longer are you going to give him. Is he still having sex with her ? Is he having sex with you? Gross! Is he using condoms? You dont need to answers these questions at all , they arent for an answer for me they are to ask yourself dear and answer yourself. Do you really want a man that has not learned to be a man? So what if he is fighting for our country and can hold a gun.(which i commend him for as well just to let you know) but that doesnt mean he has the right to treat ANY woman like crap and as it is he is treating his WIFE and YOU like crap. PUtting you both through this is not right at all. Personally I would never touch a married man, that is poison in my book and any woman who does is destined for Karma to hit her. And of course any man as well should have the same Karma one day come to them if they do it. I certainly am no saint. But I am married to a man that i am faithful to and have been and we love eachother. If he doesnt love her then he should leave her and THEN after the divorce pursue you. The Military doesnt shine to highly on men who cheat on their wives either so if he is found out I hope it is taken seriously.

I think you need to back away from him so you dont get hurt. You need to be able to live without him. Stop freaking out becuase you dont talk to him. You need to live for yourself not someone else husband. If you are to be together then you will be dont rush it dear.

I dated a man at 17(not really dated but you know ) , wasnt aloud to see him so married the next guy who came a long. Stayed together adn thought he was cheating on me and I therefore cheated on him. I left him not due to the cheating but because he was an *** nad we were young. we are good friends now with a 12 year old. BUT after i left him when baby was 7months old i remet that old boyfriend 9 months later and started dating him again. We have been together for 11 years and married 7 years and have 3 more kids. Things work out for the best in teh long. It just meant back then we werent meant to be together. Just like you and he. It will happen just be patient and do it the right way dear.

good luck

 
Old 07-24-2007, 08:02 PM   #7
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Re: What do you think about this?? I'm at a loss!

Well he contacted me finally. He said it has nothing to do with us and that he is so stressed out with everything that is happening. He doesn't want to go back by her and have to deal with her and everything with the divorce. He is freaking out because it's the first time back in NY since he lost his daughter and that is where he is from. So everyone is talking about it and it's the one year anniversary of his best friend hanging himself this month. So he has been dealing with all that plus some other stuff. He said everything is still fine with us but he is just thinking and very depressed right now. I think everything finally hit him. I am still upset because I want to help him and make him better. I want to make the pain go away and I can't do that. It hurts me so much that he is in so much pain. So I still don't know everything that is going on but have a pretty good idea and it's nice to know it has nothing to do with us.. I just freak out because of our past. Until I'm living with him and able to see him all the time I won't feel great about the relationship. Right now we don't get to see each other too often. I am in school full time Mon through Thurs and work Fri, Sat, & Sun 11a-11p. So I have no time and we are about 2 hours apart right now. So I only get to see him when things are slow for me or holidays or such. It sucks but I know there is an end in sight.

 
Old 07-25-2007, 11:36 AM   #8
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Re: What do you think about this?? I'm at a loss!

So sorry for this whole situation. Nobody is or will be the winner here. Two lost babies and a broken marriage. How can this man possibly KNOW what he wants. He couldn't. He needs a lot of time to sort through all that baggage, and to tell you the truth......until he showed me a divorce agreement I would never believe he was really through with his wife. You said when he didnt call you got concerned that she was pregnant again.......so you think or know he is still sleeping with her. Since he isn't here asking advice....I will tell you what I think you should do.......step back and take a long hard look at this situation. He has played both you and his wife. Not to say there isn't plenty of reasons to feel sorry for him now. The comfort for losing his daughter should come with the support he and his wife give each other. I think he is trying to hold onto you both.....get out and let him be. When he is a free man in every sense of the word.......tell him to contact you, otherwise you are asking for more pain and drama.....something everyone could do without.
Good Luck!
Mileena

 
Old 07-25-2007, 12:00 PM   #9
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Re: What do you think about this?? I'm at a loss!

dear poster, its not a question of deserving anything you get from anyone. It was just an observation that you said he has a bad wife or perseaves her to be when you have no idea what it must be like for her to have a lieing cheating ******* like him as a husband. What you think is gold is tarnished to her. She is the victim no one else. She deserves to be upset and angry and he deserves to get everything she gives to him. Personally any man that would treat any woman that way for any reason does not deserve my respect.

yes i know you got into the situation but you are a big girl and can stay away. If you can not and wind up"with"him again during the time he is married then you do not respect yourself nor others and it will catch up to you. What makes you think he wont do it to you when he gets bored. Sorry but this just oozes that he has a difficult time with commitment. He didnt have to marry her. And dont say it was because of the baby and that is what he beleives, because he has been with you and going for a divorce so he must not have great morals. Is that the kind of father you want for your kids.? Do you want to tell your kids one day how mommy and daddy met? I dont think so!

STay away from him. When he is finished with his afairs and straightens everything out with his affairs with her and his life then if he wants to seek you out he may. BUT not before that. Tell him you love him and when he done with his divorce to call you. If it is meant to happen it will . But you talking to him still while he is doing this is going to hurt the child he currently has because his mother knows something is going on and it hurts her and therefore she is a witch and that is not good for the child.

Also just because she gets angry and yells and screams and may even throw something at him doesnt mean she will hurt her child. HE deserves it like I said and I am sure you would think the same way if you had a husband like him. You are only looking at this in your point of view but you need to look at in her eyes and the eyes of his child. That poor child knows that mommy is hurting and doesnt know why. Cant wait for the kid to grow up and mommy tells him that daddy was a lieing cheating jerk to her. That will just go great and if you are still with him that would go great for you as well since he'll know it was you.

RESPECT yourself and others. I am telling you this not as a wife, not as some chick who was dumped on. I did many hurtful things and I can only speak to you as a mother. Respect yourself and others and think of what you will want to say to your children when they ask you things.

Do you want your little girl to ever know you took a man away from his wife and child?

Do you want your son to know you were the other woman so he grows up thinking his wife will do the same?

I am not trying tomake you feel bad or guilty even, i am only saying that you have to think of your future and your kids eventually and what will make you smile and what will make you ashamed.

Good luck dear

 
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