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Old 07-26-2007, 11:40 AM   #1
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How long should I wait?

Hey everyone! I started dating a guy in January of 2006. We dated for a couple of months, and I fell in love right away. He told me that it takes him a long time to build up feelings like that. Anyway, we broke up for about 9 months. Then in January of this year, he called me while he was on winter break from law school. We got together for dinner and sparks flew all over again, it was like we were never apart. This time, we maintained a long distance relationship while he was in school. When he got back for summer break, we started spending a lot of time together and I'm SO happy with him, but we do have a problem. I'm completely in love...and he's not...yet. We've been together for 6 months (granted for 4 of that we were long distance) and I just think it's time for that emotional commitment. He tells me that he feels like he's close to being in love, but he's just not there yet. Am I just being impatient?? I always believed that when you're in love, you just know. It's not something you build up to. How long should I wait around for him to fall in love with me? I don't want to continue to emotionally invest in a relationship with a man who may never be in love with me...Advice please!

 
Old 07-26-2007, 12:10 PM   #2
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Re: How long should I wait?

Boy, this is a tough one, in fact, in my personal opinion, this one's about as tough as they get.

Obviously you can't rush someone into falling in love with you, and it won't do any good to force the issue and insist that he say it to you if he's not sure. As long as all other aspects of the relationship are good, he's good to you, not neglectful or abusive in any way, and this one thing is the only hiccup, then I'd say give it some time, but do NOT just sit around and wait and hope for him to fall in love with you. what I mean by that is, don't do things like cancel plans at the last minute to go off with him if he calls. Don't break your back tending to him, cooking him fancy meals, basically, don't fall all over yourself trying to make him love you.

I highly recommend a book called Why Men Love Bit**es by Sherry Argov. Now don't let the title scare or fool you. It's not about playing games or being mean or nasty or abrasive or anything like that. It does just give you some very smart insight into how men and women approach love from completely different angles and manners, and how the biggest mistake a woman makes in a relationship is falling all over herself, making the guy the absolute center of her universe, when that's the last thing he wants to be.

Give it a bit more time, I can't say how much, it is a highly individual thing. If you really love him and think he's the only one for you, then give it some more time and enjoy just being with him no matter where it leads. You don't say how old you both are, but since he's still in medical school, I'm assuming early to mid 20s, so it's not like you're pushing 40 and your biological clock is winding down for good. You've got time. But no, not forever. If your main objective in life is marriage and kids and real love, and if it becomes clear you will never get that from this guy, then perhaps the time will come that you have to cut him loose, but I don't think you're there just yet. enjoy your life, and being young, and having him as PART of, but not the end all and be all of, your life.

 
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Old 07-26-2007, 12:31 PM   #3
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Re: How long should I wait?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Amers008 View Post
Hey everyone! I started dating a guy in January of 2006. We dated for a couple of months, and I fell in love right away. He told me that it takes him a long time to build up feelings like that. Anyway, we broke up for about 9 months. Then in January of this year, he called me while he was on winter break from law school. We got together for dinner and sparks flew all over again, it was like we were never apart. This time, we maintained a long distance relationship while he was in school. When he got back for summer break, we started spending a lot of time together and I'm SO happy with him, but we do have a problem. I'm completely in love...and he's not...yet. We've been together for 6 months (granted for 4 of that we were long distance) and I just think it's time for that emotional commitment. He tells me that he feels like he's close to being in love, but he's just not there yet. Am I just being impatient?? I always believed that when you're in love, you just know. It's not something you build up to. How long should I wait around for him to fall in love with me? I don't want to continue to emotionally invest in a relationship with a man who may never be in love with me...Advice please!
And what does he tell you about the future? Does he mention a family, a house, kids, etc? Does he talk about getting married one day? Or is he reticent?

It's difficult to judge him with so scarce information, but my impression is twofold:

First, he is already in love with you (has been so from the beginning) but won't admit he is for fear of sounding silly, emasculated or appearing too weak. You know, some men, especially when they are young, will never admit they are in love, as if being in love were a weakness only women are prone to. Some are also afraid of committing themselves. They may think that committing themselves to a woman is not only the end of their freedom, but also of the world. LOL But the woman will also committ herself, won't she? So it is half and half. (In this case, he may be telling you a white lie: that is, he is in love, but doesn't want to acknowledge it.)

Second, he really doesn't know what he feels. He may be slow or insecure. Or maybe he only feels his love strongly when he is away from you. When he comes close to you, his love sort of vanishes in the air or is weakened, because he knows you are there for him. I think this is a more complicated situation. He ought to sort out what he wants from life and from you, because he is really making you stand and wait for him. This is not fair. It is somewhat like Hamlet: To be or not to be. I think he has had enough time to get to know you. If he is still hesitating, maybe he is not ready yet for a relationship.

I am afraid I didn'thelp you much out of your problem. Let's see what the others have to say. One thing is for certain:you have a very different timing from his (you are quick and he is slow), and this may cause a lot of friction in the long run.

 
Old 07-26-2007, 12:41 PM   #4
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Re: How long should I wait?

I have a very different "take" on this and I don't know whether I'm right but I don't get a good feeling re this situation. I knew someone who went on for 11 years (!) with the same kind of talk - finally she couldn't wait any longer -she gave him an ultimatum - and he said he wasn't ready to commit. P.S. He met someone else soon after and married the new woman 6 months later. I never forgot this because it just was so traumatic for this girl (and a big lesson for me!) There's a guy on TV (I just can't remember his name) who wrote a book with the line "He's just not that into you" - explaining to women that all these explanations and excuses that men give can be summed up in that cruel (but in the long run saves a lot of heartache) phrase.
If he calls tomorrow and asks you to marry him forget everything I said!

Last edited by Andrea84; 07-26-2007 at 12:43 PM. Reason: left out a word

 
Old 07-26-2007, 01:09 PM   #5
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Re: How long should I wait?

Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
And what does he tell you about the future? Does he mention a family, a house, kids, etc? Does he talk about getting married one day? Or is he reticent?
He does mention getting married once in a while. He'll say things like, "If we ever get married..." We talk about the kind of houses we like and stuff like that, but it's talk.

Quote:
It's difficult to judge him with so scarce information, but my impression is twofold:

First, he is already in love with you (has been so from the beginning) but won't admit he is for fear of sounding silly, emasculated or appearing too weak. You know, some men, especially when they are young, will never admit they are in love, as if being in love were a weakness only women are prone to. Some are also afraid of committing themselves. They may think that committing themselves to a woman is not only the end of their freedom, but also of the world. LOL But the woman will also committ herself, won't she? So it is half and half. (In this case, he may be telling you a white lie: that is, he is in love, but doesn't want to acknowledge it.)
Others have said this same thing...he's 26 and I'm 29, so sometimes I think he's worried about me wanting to go faster than he's ready for. Also, he's been in some pretty rocky relationships where's he has been in love and he felt like the woman used that love against him.

Quote:
Second, he really doesn't know what he feels. He may be slow or insecure. Or maybe he only feels his love strongly when he is away from you. When he comes close to you, his love sort of vanishes in the air or is weakened, because he knows you are there for him. I think this is a more complicated situation. He ought to sort out what he wants from life and from you, because he is really making you stand and wait for him. This is not fair. It is somewhat like Hamlet: To be or not to be. I think he has had enough time to get to know you. If he is still hesitating, maybe he is not ready yet for a relationship.
This makes sense too.


Quote:
I am afraid I didn'thelp you much out of your problem. Let's see what the others have to say. One thing is for certain:you have a very different timing from his (you are quick and he is slow), and this may cause a lot of friction in the long run.
We definitely have different timing... and it has caused friction, but I know that he cares a lot about me and we love being together. It's good to get a man's perspective on this though...thanks!

 
Old 07-26-2007, 08:05 PM   #6
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Re: How long should I wait?

There's a great book out there that you need to read. It's called "He's Just Not That Into You" by Greg Berendt. Greg also has a talk show on tv, which, if it's on in your area, you should check out. If you read Greg's book, you will see why holding on to hope when a guy is clearly not making a commitment like that is a waste of your time. He clearly can't seem to make up his mind about what he wants, and that's why you should not keep waiting around for him, to see whether he might or might not eventually at some point feel the same way. It's a total waste of your time when you could be out there finding a guy who will really know right away how he feels about you.

This business about having to wait to see if he ever develops feelings for you is a crock. It's a lame excuse and you shouldn't accept it from anyone. Don't sell yourself short. You deserve better!

 
Old 07-26-2007, 08:52 PM   #7
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Re: How long should I wait?

Wow, that story about the girl who waited 11 years without ANY sort of commitment was awful. Can you imagine how horrible that would be, to wait so long and finally have to give up on him only to have him marry someone a few months later??? Yikes!!!

Anyway, give this guy some time. You've had a fairly chaotic relationship thus far, filled with lots of breaks and long distance moments, and he may still be trying to figure out exactly what to make of the two of you together. The worst thing you can do is pressure him to say the L word before he's ready. The more you bring it up, the more he's going to feel he either needs to fake it, or panic and run. I would give it a few months of spending quality time together and see what happens. If he's still fairly non-commital after awhile, then maybe it's time to take a second look.

 
Old 07-27-2007, 08:39 AM   #8
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Re: How long should I wait?

I agree, he's just not that into you......he's stringing you along....
don't waste any more time with a guy that you have to "convince" to love you. You shouldn't have to talk someone into loving you.....
It's not that he doesn't love you "yet"......just leave the yet off......he doesn't love you and he doesn't want to hurt your feelings so he's wasting your time and stringing you along......don't buy into it.....

 
Old 07-27-2007, 09:50 AM   #9
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Re: How long should I wait?

I wouldn't go parting ways just yet with your bf. You haven't been together that long. So to say he's "just not that into you" wouldn't be a fair assumption. You can't get to know a person on a love level during a LDR most of the time. You can have "feelings" for a person. If he's in law school then he's prob had way too much other stuff on his mind to figure his feelings out. Now that he is on break things should start to flow easier. You did say HE called you to get together. Thats a good sign I'd think. I'm guessing he will not know his exact feelings for you till he goes back to school agian. Or maybe sooner. But since he's slow on the subject..it may take being away to see how he really feels. If he's even mumbled the "M" word then he's prob closer to love then he wants to admit yet. How many singleish guys do you know that talk about marriage period? If it ain't broke don't fix it. You say things are good besides the love part. Then have fun and enjoy your time with the bf. Its still a newish relationship so you have time to find out where it will go before you clock dies...
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Old 07-27-2007, 11:55 AM   #10
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Re: How long should I wait?

Oh gosh sorry, but I have some alarm bells ringing here...

He says to you that he's not there yet? so when exactely is he planning to get there? and if he's not there yet, how doe's he know that he will ever get there?

Erm, I agree love takes time to develop, takes time to get deeper, but when you connect with someone you really like, the feelings you feel almost straight away should be enough to say I am falling in love! then they go onto get deeper and more meaningful.

I would be cautious if it were me...

 
Old 07-27-2007, 02:35 PM   #11
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Re: How long should I wait?

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Originally Posted by brook65 View Post
Erm, I agree love takes time to develop, takes time to get deeper, but when you connect with someone you really like, the feelings you feel almost straight away should be enough to say I am falling in love! then they go onto get deeper and more meaningful.
I agree. Usually there is at least some spark that makes you feel like he/she is "the one". You would think after 6 months of exclusive dating he should have a vague idea of whether or not you are long term relationship (or even marriage, *gasp*) material. I would definately be a little cautious about him and not hold any false hopes.

 
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