Hey everyone! I started dating a guy in January of 2006. We dated for a couple of months, and I fell in love right away. He told me that it takes him a long time to build up feelings like that. Anyway, we broke up for about 9 months. Then in January of this year, he called me while he was on winter break from law school. We got together for dinner and sparks flew all over again, it was like we were never apart. This time, we maintained a long distance relationship while he was in school. When he got back for summer break, we started spending a lot of time together and I'm SO happy with him, but we do have a problem. I'm completely in love...and he's not...yet. We've been together for 6 months (granted for 4 of that we were long distance) and I just think it's time for that emotional commitment. He tells me that he feels like he's close to being in love, but he's just not there yet. Am I just being impatient?? I always believed that when you're in love, you just know. It's not something you build up to. How long should I wait around for him to fall in love with me? I don't want to continue to emotionally invest in a relationship with a man who may never be in love with me...Advice please!
Boy, this is a tough one, in fact, in my personal opinion, this one's about as tough as they get.
Obviously you can't rush someone into falling in love with you, and it won't do any good to force the issue and insist that he say it to you if he's not sure. As long as all other aspects of the relationship are good, he's good to you, not neglectful or abusive in any way, and this one thing is the only hiccup, then I'd say give it some time, but do NOT just sit around and wait and hope for him to fall in love with you. what I mean by that is, don't do things like cancel plans at the last minute to go off with him if he calls. Don't break your back tending to him, cooking him fancy meals, basically, don't fall all over yourself trying to make him love you.
I highly recommend a book called Why Men Love Bit**es by Sherry Argov. Now don't let the title scare or fool you. It's not about playing games or being mean or nasty or abrasive or anything like that. It does just give you some very smart insight into how men and women approach love from completely different angles and manners, and how the biggest mistake a woman makes in a relationship is falling all over herself, making the guy the absolute center of her universe, when that's the last thing he wants to be.
Give it a bit more time, I can't say how much, it is a highly individual thing. If you really love him and think he's the only one for you, then give it some more time and enjoy just being with him no matter where it leads. You don't say how old you both are, but since he's still in medical school, I'm assuming early to mid 20s, so it's not like you're pushing 40 and your biological clock is winding down for good. You've got time. But no, not forever. If your main objective in life is marriage and kids and real love, and if it becomes clear you will never get that from this guy, then perhaps the time will come that you have to cut him loose, but I don't think you're there just yet. enjoy your life, and being young, and having him as PART of, but not the end all and be all of, your life.
Hey everyone! I started dating a guy in January of 2006. We dated for a couple of months, and I fell in love right away. He told me that it takes him a long time to build up feelings like that. Anyway, we broke up for about 9 months. Then in January of this year, he called me while he was on winter break from law school. We got together for dinner and sparks flew all over again, it was like we were never apart. This time, we maintained a long distance relationship while he was in school. When he got back for summer break, we started spending a lot of time together and I'm SO happy with him, but we do have a problem. I'm completely in love...and he's not...yet. We've been together for 6 months (granted for 4 of that we were long distance) and I just think it's time for that emotional commitment. He tells me that he feels like he's close to being in love, but he's just not there yet. Am I just being impatient?? I always believed that when you're in love, you just know. It's not something you build up to. How long should I wait around for him to fall in love with me? I don't want to continue to emotionally invest in a relationship with a man who may never be in love with me...Advice please!
And what does he tell you about the future? Does he mention a family, a house, kids, etc? Does he talk about getting married one day? Or is he reticent?
It's difficult to judge him with so scarce information, but my impression is twofold:
First, he is already in love with you (has been so from the beginning) but won't admit he is for fear of sounding silly, emasculated or appearing too weak. You know, some men, especially when they are young, will never admit they are in love, as if being in love were a weakness only women are prone to. Some are also afraid of committing themselves. They may think that committing themselves to a woman is not only the end of their freedom, but also of the world. LOL But the woman will also committ herself, won't she? So it is half and half. (In this case, he may be telling you a white lie: that is, he is in love, but doesn't want to acknowledge it.)
Second, he really doesn't know what he feels. He may be slow or insecure. Or maybe he only feels his love strongly when he is away from you. When he comes close to you, his love sort of vanishes in the air or is weakened, because he knows you are there for him. I think this is a more complicated situation. He ought to sort out what he wants from life and from you, because he is really making you stand and wait for him. This is not fair. It is somewhat like Hamlet: To be or not to be. I think he has had enough time to get to know you. If he is still hesitating, maybe he is not ready yet for a relationship.
I am afraid I didn'thelp you much out of your problem. Let's see what the others have to say. One thing is for certain:you have a very different timing from his (you are quick and he is slow), and this may cause a lot of friction in the long run.
I have a very different "take" on this and I don't know whether I'm right but I don't get a good feeling re this situation. I knew someone who went on for 11 years (!) with the same kind of talk - finally she couldn't wait any longer -she gave him an ultimatum - and he said he wasn't ready to commit. P.S. He met someone else soon after and married the new woman 6 months later. I never forgot this because it just was so traumatic for this girl (and a big lesson for me!) There's a guy on TV (I just can't remember his name) who wrote a book with the line "He's just not that into you" - explaining to women that all these explanations and excuses that men give can be summed up in that cruel (but in the long run saves a lot of heartache) phrase.
If he calls tomorrow and asks you to marry him forget everything I said!
Last edited by Andrea84; 07-26-2007 at 01:43 PM.
Reason: left out a word
And what does he tell you about the future? Does he mention a family, a house, kids, etc? Does he talk about getting married one day? Or is he reticent?
He does mention getting married once in a while. He'll say things like, "If we ever get married..." We talk about the kind of houses we like and stuff like that, but it's talk.
Quote:
It's difficult to judge him with so scarce information, but my impression is twofold:
First, he is already in love with you (has been so from the beginning) but won't admit he is for fear of sounding silly, emasculated or appearing too weak. You know, some men, especially when they are young, will never admit they are in love, as if being in love were a weakness only women are prone to. Some are also afraid of committing themselves. They may think that committing themselves to a woman is not only the end of their freedom, but also of the world. LOL But the woman will also committ herself, won't she? So it is half and half. (In this case, he may be telling you a white lie: that is, he is in love, but doesn't want to acknowledge it.)
Others have said this same thing...he's 26 and I'm 29, so sometimes I think he's worried about me wanting to go faster than he's ready for. Also, he's been in some pretty rocky relationships where's he has been in love and he felt like the woman used that love against him.
Quote:
Second, he really doesn't know what he feels. He may be slow or insecure. Or maybe he only feels his love strongly when he is away from you. When he comes close to you, his love sort of vanishes in the air or is weakened, because he knows you are there for him. I think this is a more complicated situation. He ought to sort out what he wants from life and from you, because he is really making you stand and wait for him. This is not fair. It is somewhat like Hamlet: To be or not to be. I think he has had enough time to get to know you. If he is still hesitating, maybe he is not ready yet for a relationship.
This makes sense too.
Quote:
I am afraid I didn'thelp you much out of your problem. Let's see what the others have to say. One thing is for certain:you have a very different timing from his (you are quick and he is slow), and this may cause a lot of friction in the long run.
We definitely have different timing... and it has caused friction, but I know that he cares a lot about me and we love being together. It's good to get a man's perspective on this though...thanks!
Linear Mode
