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Old 07-31-2007, 10:51 PM   #1
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Husband is angry all the time

I'm just after some advice from other people about my situation. I've been married for 10 years, and my husband is in the defence forces, and away from home for the majority of time. We have two boys (9 and 4), and I also work full time. My problem is with my husband - he stresses about being away from home so much, and this makes him really angry all the time. He rings me up and abuses me, and even swears and me and calls me names. When I ask him not to swear at me, he goes off even more, telling me I am stupid for just focusing on one word, and that its just a word. Its a bit hard not to focus on the word when I am constantly being sworn at.
When he does come home, the first thing he does is go through the house and pick out things he thinks I haven't done properly, or things that aren't cleaned to his standard. With working full time, plus pretty much being the sole caregiver of our kids, I am exhausted. All the extra stress of constantly being on the go is really getting to me. If I tell him I am tired, I get abused and told I am only tired because I don't exercise enough, I wonder where he thinks I can fit that time in!!
Don't get me wrong - he does have great qualities too, and I do love him. I know that sounds silly - but he can also be loving and gentle, and is really supportive. I try to be understanding, because I know he is under stress at being away, but he is just creating extra stress for me at the moment.
I just don't know how to get it through to him that abusing me when he is stressed, only makes the situation worse. I have tried talking to him, but he doesn't want to listen -he thinks as his wife, I should be available for him to vent to.
Has anyone else ever been in this situation, and what did they do? Thanks...

 
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Old 08-01-2007, 03:05 AM   #2
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Re: Husband is angry all the time

Quote:
Originally Posted by yellow rose View Post
When he does come home, the first thing he does is go through the house and pick out things he thinks I haven't done properly, or things that aren't cleaned to his standard. With working full time, plus pretty much being the sole caregiver of our kids, I am exhausted. All the extra stress of constantly being on the go is really getting to me. If I tell him I am tired, I get abused and told I am only tired because I don't exercise enough, I wonder where he thinks I can fit that time in!!
I just don't know how to get it through to him that abusing me when he is stressed, only makes the situation worse. I have tried talking to him, but he doesn't want to listen -he thinks as his wife, I should be available for him to vent to.
Has anyone else ever been in this situation, and what did they do? Thanks...

Your husband definitely has some serious anger issues. First off, he has no right to do a house inspection when he gets home. I agree..working full time is no joke and having 2 kids to attend to isn't easy. He should realize that you don't have the time to clean the house everyday and the nerve of him to tell you that you don't exercise enough, etc. He seems quite unbearable!

It is obvious that he isn't happy with himself...perhaps working all of those hours is what is making him so angry. Ofcourse he has no right to take it out on you and from what I read...it seems like you have told him how you feel about the situation. Now it's just time to be a bit more firm and perhaps telll him that if he doesn't stop taking this all out on you...that you are going to pack your things and give him a break for a while. Perhaps he will then realize what a jerk he is being. Or you could suggest that you 2 talk to a marriage counselor...see what he thinks about that. Whatever you do...stick to it. I know you love him...but you don't deserve to be treated like this!
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Old 08-01-2007, 05:14 AM   #3
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Re: Husband is angry all the time

This is such a tough situation, and one that I'm unfortunately all to familiar with. Your husband sounds very much like my dad. My dad has a serious anger management problem that has only gotten worse over the last few years, and all he ever does is yell at everyone, including my mom. All I can tell you is that it's not easy to make the person change when they deny there is even a problem in the first place.

I can tell you what we are doing in our situation. My brother and I are going to sit my dad down for a conversation about all of this and we're going to lay it on the line. At this point, I don't see what else we can do. In your case, it may be a futile attempt because your husband may not listen, he may just get angry again, and nothing may come of it. But I know that in our case, we're going to try to approach him in love and concern, and we're going to make it as non-confrontational as possible. If you do the same, who knows, it might work? And even if he gets mad, if you word it correctly, at least it may give him something to think about and to consider before he starts going off again.

I wish us both the best of luck with this.

 
Old 08-01-2007, 05:26 AM   #4
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Re: Husband is angry all the time

Yellow rose, next time he rings and swears at you, just put the phone down! well that's what I would do anyhow, and explain that to him.,

He is quite simply taking out all his stress of his demanding job on you, and that could have the knock on effect of affecting you as a mother to his kids.

The checking of the house, obviously is something similar to how they behave in the military with all the strict regimes etc.

He needs to find a healthy way to let off all the adrenelin he has in himself, like joining a gym or something.

Good luck

 
Old 08-01-2007, 08:01 AM   #5
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Re: Husband is angry all the time

I agree that when he starts his yelling and obnoxious behavior to either hang up the phone or walk away. Don't engage him what so ever. Then when he has calmed down try talking to him. If I were you I would insist on going to a marriage counselor so you can both learn how to communicate and listen to eachother. If he is unwilling to that then I would tell him to pack his bags and go. You are doing it all anyway so why should you have to put up with his verbal assaults on top of it?

Good luck!

 
Old 08-01-2007, 10:32 AM   #6
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Re: Husband is angry all the time

I, too have a Dad who is this way. Over the years I have taken to avoiding him at all cost. I don't care to see or talk to him. I love him, and want him to be healthy and happy but I REFUSE to take any more abuse from him. I never visit to find him just happy for the company....many is the time that I have gone over to visit my mom, and the first thing he says will be: "Did you forget you have FAMILY!" or "If you knew how BAD that looks on you, you wouldn't wear it out!". I'm not saying this is in the conversation, I am saying this is the FIRST words out of his mouth. From that moment on he escalates in his abuse......until he manages to insult my husband, my son, our lifestyle, my work, my car, my finanicial situation. You name a subject and he has an opinion and I am not doing it right.

My poor mom has been beaten down over the years with his abuse, along with all my other siblings. There is just no pleasing a person like this.....my advice to you since you say you love him, is TRY and make him see what he is doing. IF that doesn't work I wouldn't care how much I loved him, or how much my children needed a father, I would get away from him. I don't think someone like this will change without outside help, and if he is the way I think he is.......he won't do that. For you and your childrens peace of mind, I would make him stop what he is doing...(by hanging up the phone or leaving the house) or I would move on with my life away from him. It's a sad and drastic move.....but in the long run......your emotional health is more important. Good Luck to you! You will need it.

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Old 08-01-2007, 11:01 AM   #7
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Re: Husband is angry all the time

I agree with other posters, you should do whatever it takes to stop being abused by him. His actions lower your energy and you can very well ended up with depression, ptsd and other health issues. 14 years after being badly abused at work for years I am still having all kind of problems. At least first 5 year I was still leaving there in my mind.
I practice putting phone down with my mother, next time she called she talks normal voice and have reasonable requests.
Don't think that he has a tuffer life so he has right to do it to you. It was my mistake about people who abused me at home and at work. It took me many years while I realize otherwise.
It certainly badly affects your kids. My dh and his brother can't as good careers as they could 'cause of all kind emotional problems 'caused by their parents bad marriage and divorce. It was shouting and fighting and so on.

 
Old 08-01-2007, 11:12 AM   #8
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Re: Husband is angry all the time

I will start by saying this...I am very proud of you in recognizing that it isnt you that is the problem...and that it is work related. Many people have a hard time identifying that.

Also, you said you have tried to talk to him and that he says that you are his wife and he should be able to vent. That is absolutely true. But you should tell him that there is a difference between venting stress and attacking you with it.

You must be exhausted. I know that when i have a stressful day in the relationship world I am exhausted, emotionally and physically. Add that to working full time AND raising kids. You need a vacation.

I think you are reaching a point where he needs to shut up and listen...or maybe you'll eventually have to stop answering the phone so much and let him know his behavior is pushing you away. You are stressed too and you arent verbally attacking him!

 
Old 08-01-2007, 01:28 PM   #9
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Re: Husband is angry all the time

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I will start by saying this...I am very proud of you in recognizing that it isnt you that is the problem...and that it is work related. Many people have a hard time identifying that.
I can add to that - this time it is work related, next time it will be problem with his parents or something else. Talking from experience, only way is to make him stop making a scape goat out of you. You will loose all your mental and phisical health and will be always guilty.

 
Old 08-01-2007, 02:44 PM   #10
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Re: Husband is angry all the time

Defense forces so Im going to assume you mean military? There is a way to really get his attention granted it should only be used when you have tried everything else. Such as ask him to go to marriage counseling with you when he is home. Let him know you are done with it. Like the other have suggest hang up or put the phone down until he stops.
No the last ditch effort is this talk to his Supervisor or his first shirt or someone along those lines. Explain to them what is going on with his verbal abuse and so on. If you have to have proof check yoru state laws about recording phone calls. Most have it set up that as long as one of you knows it is being recorded(which would be you) then it can be used in court and such. NOt syaing you will use it in court just saying.
This way his superiors know there is a problem and try to help from their end to fix things or at least arrange it so he can have time to go to counseling with you.
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Old 08-01-2007, 06:48 PM   #11
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Re: Husband is angry all the time

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Originally Posted by Blastoff9600 View Post
Defense forces so Im going to assume you mean military? There is a way to really get his attention granted it should only be used when you have tried everything else. Such as ask him to go to marriage counseling with you when he is home. Let him know you are done with it. Like the other have suggest hang up or put the phone down until he stops.
No the last ditch effort is this talk to his Supervisor or his first shirt or someone along those lines. Explain to them what is going on with his verbal abuse and so on. If you have to have proof check yoru state laws about recording phone calls. Most have it set up that as long as one of you knows it is being recorded(which would be you) then it can be used in court and such. NOt syaing you will use it in court just saying.
This way his superiors know there is a problem and try to help from their end to fix things or at least arrange it so he can have time to go to counseling with you.
I wonder if it is safe for her to do that? Will her husband become even madder and acuse her of having more problems at work. Who knows what is going on at his work. If they are not happy with him, they will only use it against him.
If he doesn't want marriage councelor or any kind of help, you may give up on him. I don't know about marriage councelor, but therapists are working on the weekends.
Another technic when she started attacking you at home, just go to the toilet and lock yourself, wait until he blow off.

 
Old 08-01-2007, 09:04 PM   #12
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Re: Husband is angry all the time

Hi I have never been ina long term relationship or a marriage BUT I think I know what might be going on and I would just distance myself physically from him for a while until his stressful circumstances go away. Whenever he is nice and sweet give him a reward Later on when he is calm and at peace then you can discuss some stress management plans and even talk to him about reading a self help book or self help audioCD, or mention about going into some brief counseling or in wiht a counselor you like at your church. Brief counseling is actually really cool because sometimes the sesssions are only like 25 minutes and cost much less. We also know that most guys do NOT voluntarily go into counseling.

Other options that some therapists will bring up is to go on a few dates every now and then and reward yourselves after working hard with a good time at the beach or pool, or go out to your favorite hang outs.

Quote:
Originally Posted by yellow rose View Post
I'm just after some advice from other people about my situation. I've been married for 10 years, and my husband is in the defence forces, and away from home for the majority of time. We have two boys (9 and 4), and I also work full time. My problem is with my husband - he stresses about being away from home so much, and this makes him really angry all the time. He rings me up and abuses me, and even swears and me and calls me names. When I ask him not to swear at me, he goes off even more, telling me I am stupid for just focusing on one word, and that its just a word. Its a bit hard not to focus on the word when I am constantly being sworn at.
When he does come home, the first thing he does is go through the house and pick out things he thinks I haven't done properly, or things that aren't cleaned to his standard. With working full time, plus pretty much being the sole caregiver of our kids, I am exhausted. All the extra stress of constantly being on the go is really getting to me. If I tell him I am tired, I get abused and told I am only tired because I don't exercise enough, I wonder where he thinks I can fit that time in!!
Don't get me wrong - he does have great qualities too, and I do love him. I know that sounds silly - but he can also be loving and gentle, and is really supportive. I try to be understanding, because I know he is under stress at being away, but he is just creating extra stress for me at the moment.
I just don't know how to get it through to him that abusing me when he is stressed, only makes the situation worse. I have tried talking to him, but he doesn't want to listen -he thinks as his wife, I should be available for him to vent to.
Has anyone else ever been in this situation, and what did they do? Thanks...

Last edited by strongernow; 08-01-2007 at 09:10 PM.

 
Old 08-01-2007, 11:41 PM   #13
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Re: Husband is angry all the time

Strongernow speaks good sense. On the other side of the coin, when he is abusive, leave the room and close a door. Do not try to get into it, just withdraw. It is no good trying anything until he is in a calm receptive mood.

 
Old 08-02-2007, 05:42 AM   #14
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Re: Husband is angry all the time

They wont use it against him even if they dont like him. Though it will make them aware that they need to watch him. Spousal abuse in any way shape or form is highly frowned upon in the military no matter the branch. But it is up to the abused to bring it to the light or a freind. She can even go to family support or the legal office and talk to them they will help her. Even if it just simply to tell his supervisor about what is going on so that she isnt the one doing it. Family support will also point her in the right directiont o get help such as counseling or therapy.
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Old 08-02-2007, 06:52 AM   #15
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Re: Husband is angry all the time

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Originally Posted by Blastoff9600 View Post
They wont use it against him even if they dont like him. Though it will make them aware that they need to watch him. Spousal abuse in any way shape or form is highly frowned upon in the military no matter the branch. But it is up to the abused to bring it to the light or a freind. She can even go to family support or the legal office and talk to them they will help her. Even if it just simply to tell his supervisor about what is going on so that she isnt the one doing it. Family support will also point her in the right directiont o get help such as counseling or therapy.
I don't know much how military is different, but personal relationships are not that much different any place. I think she should have very good try with him before going further up. She can find a therapist on her own.

 
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