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Old 08-02-2007, 12:44 PM   #1
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Handling money issues in relationship

Hi, I need some advice, or really some opinions on how married/engaged couples handle their money. I am engaged and I was fortunate enough to save A LOT of money in my 20's which I keep in a savings account and my fiancee is aware of this. My fiancee however has little saved but we do make about the same salary. I always planned to put this money towards a down-payment on a house. Well my fiancee lives with me for free (it's my apartment and I never ask him to pay any bills, nor does he offer) which has been fine with me. But lately we've been having to make downpayments on things for the wedding like for the reception, photographer, etc. and he has not offered to pay for any of this. It all comes out of my bank account, even though some payments have only been $100 or so.
My question is, should this even be a concern for me since we are getting married? Sometimes I feel like I am being selfish, but other times I feel that maybe Im being a little taken advantage of bc I worked really hard to save this money. I mean it's not like he doesn't work or spends his money foolishly so I can't be mad at him for that.
What do you think??

 
Old 08-02-2007, 01:09 PM   #2
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Re: Handling money issues in relationship

I definitely think its a legitamit concern, especially since you are getting married. A relationship is an equal partnership. He needs to contribute evenly.. especially on his wedding!!

You should talk to him about his need to start saving more, and how you're not comfortable with everything coming out of your own pocket. Suggest a shared account that is strictly for household/wedding things. There's no reason why he can't contribute fairly.. and you certainly shouldn't be covering his share always.

The amount each of you has saved up shouldn't be the focus. You're a team now and you both need to pitch in equally.

 
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Old 08-02-2007, 01:57 PM   #3
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Re: Handling money issues in relationship

yes it should be a concern.....please be smart and get a prenup and stop paying for everything......did you buy your own ring too like Britney Spears?
He doesn't seem to feel any responsibility and that's what scares me.
It's almost like he thinks he's ENTITLED, like a child who's mother pays for everything.....be very careful.

 
Old 08-02-2007, 02:18 PM   #4
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Re: Handling money issues in relationship

Very, very odd he isnt offering. Does he actually know this wedding is not gonna happen for free? You should be paying equally. I think it is time to ask him to pay up. And ask him why he hasnt offered to help.Perhaps he thinks your money is his money, and it doesnt matter who pays it? I dont know! Ask him! Then lets re assess!

 
Old 08-02-2007, 02:41 PM   #5
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Re: Handling money issues in relationship

What the heck does he do with all his money if he doesn't save it and he's not contributing his fair share to the household? He's taking advantage at best and is a freeloader at worst.

 
Old 08-02-2007, 02:41 PM   #6
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Re: Handling money issues in relationship

You have every reason to be concerned. What does he spend his money on if he isn't contributing the household or wedding? Why does he feel entitled to you taking care of him?

I agree with Rose, get a pre-nup and stop paying for everything. Write out your monthly household expenses (rent, utilities, food, etc.), split it in two, and tell him this is what he needs to start contributing every month. Start a joint checking account that you both deposit this amount into and use it only for your household expenses, and keep the rest of your money separate. You should also tell him that you need to come up with a game plan for how you are going to handle your wedding expenses whether it be you go in 50/50 or you handle one part and he handles another. Whatever you decide to do you need to make it known that the free ride stops now. If he even slightly protests having to pitch in you should really see that as a major red flag and re-evaluate whether or not he is the right guy for you.

 
Old 08-02-2007, 03:47 PM   #7
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Re: Handling money issues in relationship

He may not even be thinking of it as your money or just his money. My babe and I saw it as our money way before we were engaged...it's all going the same places to us. Sounds like you just need to discuss it. He's probably oblivious to it.
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Old 08-02-2007, 07:17 PM   #8
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Re: Handling money issues in relationship

I don't agree that he is probably oblvious to it! He HAS to know that someone is buying the food he is eating and it isn't him! He is living with you and he isn't contributing to ANYTHING? This would have gotten old for me a LONG time ago....you better get this out in the open now, BEFORE the wedding. The way he handles it would be a deciding factor for me whether there would be a wedding at ALL!
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Old 08-02-2007, 08:01 PM   #9
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Re: Handling money issues in relationship

I agree that this behavior is a bit fishy.

As someone else mentioned, it could be that he simply looks upon your finances as BOTH of your money. In that case, I'd wonder where all of his is going......to a savings account? Down payment fund? If you're making the same salary, he has to have a lot of it amassed SOMEWHERE!

This all can be avoided with a simple talk. I'm kind of surprised you haven't already, since I detected a note of frustration in your voice. I would approach it from a future standpoint: "How do you think we should handle finances when we get married. I'd like to get a joint checking account that we deposit our paychecks in" or something like that. Then maybe say something like "It would be really helpful if we can do that now, because I'm starting to run low on money to cover all of OUR wedding expenses."

I was very worried about sharing a joint account with my husband because I balance my checkbook to the penny and he has no clue how much is in there at any given time. He also was quite cheap back in college....we went dutch on EVERYTHING (which was my preference, but it's always nice to be treated on occasion!)....and I was worried we'd have spats about where the money is going. However, things worked out just fine. Since we both make the same, that's an advantage because we both feel we're contributing equally to our finances. I like to be in control of our checkbook, so I pay the bills, except for a few of them which he arranged to be paid online. He takes care of any complaint phone calls because he's GREAT at that. I take care of the budget. Thanks to online banking he can visit an ATM without it driving me crazy because I can see it all there for myself and keep our book balanced. It really wasn't half the issue I thought it was going to be. HOWEVER, we talked about things ahead of time and had a plan going into our marriage so we wouldn't end up fighting about things. You HAVE to discuss these issues before you get married or you are going to end up frustrated. While I agree that he's mooching off of you a bit, you are the one allowing this behavior. Bring it up NOW and get things off your chest so you can find out what his deal is and smooth things over before the wedding.

 
Old 08-03-2007, 12:14 AM   #10
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Re: Handling money issues in relationship

This is NOT GOOD. He is freeloading on you and this will not change as long as you allow it. Draw up a budget, with equal contributions and expenditure and run your finances from this. I can't believe that he doesn't offer to pay his whack in the household, this is so rude. I would get a prenup drawn up as well, once you are married he will have more access to the family purse.

 
Old 08-03-2007, 06:08 AM   #11
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Re: Handling money issues in relationship

Yeah I agree that we need to talk about things but I also agree with what one person said about him thinking that my money is his now that we are getting married. Which is fine, bc what am I going to spend that money on anyway? Our house, our furniture, etc.
He did buy me a gorgeous ring though which he saved several yrs for and I know that's not an excuse, but that is why I am apprehensive about bringing up the subject of money. I had always wanted a nice engagement ring and he knew this and that is what I got. I mean he didn't HAVE to buy me such a nice ring but he did and I kind of feel guilty in a way bc of that.

 
Old 08-03-2007, 06:33 AM   #12
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Re: Handling money issues in relationship

Quote:
Originally Posted by wrkgirl View Post
Yeah I agree that we need to talk about things but I also agree with what one person said about him thinking that my money is his now that we are getting married. Which is fine, bc what am I going to spend that money on anyway? Our house, our furniture, etc.
He did buy me a gorgeous ring though which he saved several yrs for and I know that's not an excuse, but that is why I am apprehensive about bringing up the subject of money. I had always wanted a nice engagement ring and he knew this and that is what I got. I mean he didn't HAVE to buy me such a nice ring but he did and I kind of feel guilty in a way bc of that.
thats nice....BUT does he think he's off the hook for anything else because he bought you a nice ring? You shouldn't feel guilty because of that. He's already spent that money.....what's he doing with his current money? You need to start asking questions unless you want to support him the rest of your life.

 
Old 08-03-2007, 09:46 AM   #13
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Re: Handling money issues in relationship

when you get married it will all go into one bucket. you will pay bills, buy needed things and entertainment out of that bucket...doesn't matter who makes more..or who saves more. now if the op was a man talking about his gf/fiance..what would the advice/comments be..hmmmm??
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Old 08-03-2007, 09:55 AM   #14
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Re: Handling money issues in relationship

Quote:
Originally Posted by tarheel247 View Post
when you get married it will all go into one bucket. you will pay bills, buy needed things and entertainment out of that bucket...doesn't matter who makes more..or who saves more. now if the op was a man talking about his gf/fiance..what would the advice/comments be..hmmmm??
that may be how some people do it, but not all......

if the op was a man, I think the advice would be the same......at least my advice would......

 
Old 08-03-2007, 12:48 PM   #15
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Re: Handling money issues in relationship

I really think you need to sit down and talk about these things.

Until I read this thread, I thought it was customary for the bride/bride's family to pay for the wedding; the groom/groom's family to pay for the honeymoon. That's how DH & I did, anyway.

Mine & DH's finances are just like Tarheel said, one big bucket. There are times where he makes more money; there are times where I make more money. It all goes into our joint buckets, i.e., savings, checking, money market, etc.

I guess this thread just goes to show you how many differing viewpoints there can be on the subject. But I think we all agree it's best to get these things out in the open before you say the "I do's" about how the finances will be handled.

 
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