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Old 08-13-2007, 05:46 AM   #1
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I shouldn't have worried about my friendship guilt

I did go ahead and invite my friend/daughter's godmother to her birthday party. She didn't show up and I am okay with that. That you all for your advice concerning that post.

Yesterday brought up a new drama. We had a very nice and simple backyard birthday party for my daughter who turned 6. It was just family as her school friends were away on vacations. Anyway, I invited my sister and her family (how could I not since my daughter idolizes my 9 year old niece). Anyway, She shows up with this huge attitude because my brother and SIL showed up a whole 5 minutes before her. She then proceded to pick a fight with her husband. Thank goodness she left right after the cake because I was just about ready to throw her out. The nerve of her acting like a spoiled brat and almost ruining the party! I felt so bad for her husband and kids (who were trying to have a good time). Did I mention that she didn't even have a drink?

When everyone started to leave my brother, SIL, and nephew decided to stay and join us for dinner. The kids were playing in the yard and my daughter comes in all upset saying she had a stomach ache. We went outside to talk and she brought up her "biological" father. She wanted to know why he never calls or writes or sends her a birthday card. It broke my heart talking to her about it. I was very honest with her. She then started asking if daddy (my husband) was going to leave too. We had to do a lot of reassuring but I think she did finally feel better. I'm going to be calling a therapist for her later today. My SIL recommended the one that my nephew goes to.

So anyway, my point. I was all worried about one thing and didn't anticipate the others. Well, I did anticipate her father a little bit but not to the extent that it all unfolded. My sister on the other hand I just can't worry about anymore. It's so obnoxious. What am I suppose to do, not invite her children anywhere anymore?

Thanks for reading the new installment of happymom's drama. I welcome any feedback you may have.

 
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Old 08-13-2007, 01:30 PM   #2
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Re: I shouldn't have worried about my friendship guilt

Well, now I think I understand where my sister's attitude was coming from. My mother was talking to my SIL earlier today. My SIL asked her if she knew what my sister's problem was. None of us could understand whay this was all about because she was sober and doesn't act that way when she is. It turns out there have been a lot more problems then my sister has let on in her marriage. I mean, we all knew they faugt a lot, but not to this extent. I guess my sister called my mother last night and told her that her husband packed some stuff and moved out!

I am not suppose to know any of this because my sister asked my mother not to tell. I want to feel bad but I'm having a very hard time considering everything. I really feel for her kids, two of which have already been through this before. But in honesty she brought it on herself with her lies, cheating (although I don't know if he knows that), drinking, and allowing her ex-husband back into the picture.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom for this? I know there is nothing I can really do here. I almost feel like a jerk for not feeling really bad about it. Am I some horrible person?

 
Old 08-13-2007, 03:10 PM   #3
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Re: I shouldn't have worried about my friendship guilt

Are you three the only siblings in your family? Where does your sister fall in the sibling line up? (1st child, middle or baby) I know this must be very frustrating always unsure of what her mood might be. But all you can do is what is best for your family and your right in inviting the children, they dont have a say in how their mother will react. Sounds like she is going through a hard time and directing her anger toward anything and everything. You are not a terrible person at all! I love my sister dearly but sometimes I could ripe her head off.

And concerning your daughter. Bless her little heart! She is very fortunate to have such a strong support system with you and your husband. Good Job! Therapy will be good for her.

 
Old 08-13-2007, 05:58 PM   #4
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Re: I shouldn't have worried about my friendship guilt

Thank you for your reply MCMA.

I have actually posted about my sister at length in a couple previous threads (feel free to read back for the fun details). There are actually four of us all together. My older brother (33), my sister (almost 32), myself (almost 30), and my younger brother (28).

I know she is going through a hard time. I just don't understand (and probably never will) how she seems to always sabotage her relationships. It's like the moment something good happens to her she has to push that self destruct button and do something ridiculous to ruin it. Whenever you call her out on anything (whether it be her drinking, meeting men at the bar, calling her ex-husband) she gets all defesive, plays the victim, and takes away the kids. She is just so exhausting.

My daughter is very lucky as am I. My husband (her stepfather) is absolutely wonderful with her. His parents treat her just like she is any of their other grandchildren as well. I couldn't have married into a better family if I tried. I hope in time I am able to help her feel better about things but I really have no idea what she is going through. My parents have been married for 36 years. My SIL can identify with her a lot because her father disappeared from the time she was 6 until she was 16. She has been a great source of help for us.

Thank you again for your kind words.

 
Old 08-13-2007, 07:18 PM   #5
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Re: I shouldn't have worried about my friendship guilt

Agh!!!! When you said "takes the kids away" that reminded me of MY sister. She has a very aggresive/ assertive personality. And although she has never done this , my mother always says "be careful what you say, she will get mad and we wont see those kids." I could scream when she says that. Nobody pushes my sister, we let her float through doing exactly what she needs to do and me on the other hand my parents live to tell me what to do, diff personalitys I guess. Sorry for getting off task. I will go back and read up on your sister.

You mention your sister calls her ex-husband. I know all to well about being "Married but loving another man."

Is your little girls Daddy (biological) not in the picture at all? Is that what he chooses? Whatever the situation is, sounds like she has a goldmine worth of grandparents and step-father. I can tell you truly cherish that. A happy marriage makes for happy kids.

Enjoy!

 
Old 08-14-2007, 05:38 AM   #6
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Re: I shouldn't have worried about my friendship guilt

My whole family (until recently) just kind of let her get away with how she acts. My older brother and myself are not dealing with her anymore and are going to let her hit her "bottom" because that is really the only thing we can do at this point. My younger brother is getting on board with us (mostly because my SIL is telling him that's how the situation should be handled), but my mother is too worried about the kids to do what she should.

My sister calling her ex-husband is ridiculous. She went out of her way to get his parental rights taken away (he's the biological father of the two oldest) because of his alcohol and drug problems. Now that he has paid some back child support (like $1000 out of the over $18,000 he owes) she thinks she should let him back in. Her husband has supported them, adopted them, and been their father for 4 years and is not too happy with her actions (and she has been doing it behind his back). Of course, when she was still married to her ex she use to call one of her ex-boyfriends constantly and even gave him a place to stay when he moved back to town. I'm telling you, she's a one woman soap opera!

My daughter's biological father is not a part of her life and hasn't been for 2 years now. When I started getting serious with my now husband he started doing things he shouldn't to me and started neglecting my daughter. He would not show up for visits. He changed my passwords with things and hacked into different accounts of mine. I ended up having to get a restraining order because of the harrassment. The judge told him he could petition the court to get some sort of visitation back, however, he would have to pay for a mediatior to go between us because the judge didn't want him to have any contact with me. He used that as his excuse to disappear. He had a girlfriend who wasn't too crazy about him having a child so I'm sure it was the out he was looking for.

Thank you again for all of your kind words. It seems we have a lot in common when it comes to sisters!

 
Old 08-14-2007, 06:40 AM   #7
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Re: I shouldn't have worried about my friendship guilt

My sister.... continues to work midnights and has two children ages 2yrs and 9 months old. And...expects my mother to keep them so she can work and "sleep" not my interputation of a working mother but what ever rt? She works crazy shifts like on 4 off then works 3 more 12 hours shifts. My point to her is (although I do not work now) they are her kids and she might have to come to the day light and work at some point. My father has stage 4 cancer and she is still bringing her kids. I love my nephews dearly but have two children of my own. Ages 7 and 5. But we wont say a word cause she might take those kids. Ugh! Anyway your sister could benefit from some therapy sounds to me. She has issues with in herself sounds like.

I completly understand the ex husband hacking and spying. I too have been going through issues of that myself. No fun!!!!

Your daughter will always be grateful to you for providing a stable loving enviroment for her and your sisters children will always love being with your family due to the stabilty. Stay strong.

Lots of love and hope for peace to you,
MCMA

Last edited by MCMA; 08-14-2007 at 06:41 AM.

 
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