It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 08-14-2007, 12:00 PM   #1
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In america
Posts: 54
Ohdannyboy HB User
Unhappy Need help with asking for love

How do you ask for more physical affection (hugging, holding hands, kissing ect...) in an adult and non-accusatory way?

I can't think of the right words to use without sounding like a little kid.

I have simply asked before, why he no longer wants to hold my hand or will not hug me if I am sad, and the only answer I get is an angry "I just don't feel like it."

I love him but I need these little things. I don't ask for alot... so what can I say to a guy so it will make sense??

Please help.

 
Old 08-14-2007, 12:22 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
rosequartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Chicago,IL
Posts: 10,358
rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
Re: Need help with asking for love

tell him you have physical and emotional needs and he needs to make an effort to meet them

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 08-14-2007, 12:26 PM   #3
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 4,202
happymom28 HB User
Re: Need help with asking for love

I agree with Rose. Your needs are just as important as his are and if he truly cares about you then he would make an effort. Just sit down and tell him how you feel. Tell him you need a little physical affection every once in a while. It's not like you want him to jump on you all the time, but there is nothing wrong with a hug or kiss every now or then. If he is unwilling every time you bring it up you may want to think about if this is the right relationship for you. You shouldn't have to compromise on the basic physical affections to be in a relationship.

 
Old 08-14-2007, 12:32 PM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 4,081
Larrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB User
Re: Need help with asking for love

Ohdanny, you don't say if this is a boyfriend or husband, how long you've been together, if anything happened between the two of you around the time that it stopped, but yes, the other posters are right, I really don't think it's something you should or even really CAN ask for. It's something you need and the other person either has it to give or not. Simply tell him you need for things to go back the way they were before he just stopped feeling like it. He either loves you and wants to keep you enough to make an effort to deal with the problem or he doesn't, and if he doesn't, you're better off knowing now rather than later down the road when he's finally had enough and can't fake it anymore and just leaves with no warning.

The reason I feel the level of commitment may make a difference is because I had a boyfriend who did that to me once. He stopped kissing me, stopped being really affectionate like he used to. He gave me the "I'm not in the mood" crap, too, but it was a big fat LIE. the truth was, he had fallen out of love with me and didn't want to kiss me anymore. If this is where your relationship is headed, you have a right to know and you have a right to know NOW.

 
Old 08-14-2007, 12:35 PM   #5
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In america
Posts: 54
Ohdannyboy HB User
Re: Need help with asking for love

Thanks so much for the replies!

Oops, i just real larry'smom's post sorry. We've been together for 2and half years and we're just boyfriend and girlfriend.

We get along good together, we laugh and have fun. I have complained in the past about him never making time for me. He has a full time job and goes to school, and I work 2 jobs and go to school as well. I always make time for him, but when I told him that he said "sorry I don't handle it as gracefully as you." *sigh*

This is really going to make him sound like a jerk but I have had that kind of talk before, and he said that I was "Trying to change him" or that I just "need to find someone who can love me the way I need."

He wasn't always like this. We used to hug and kiss and hold hands a lot. I have asked him why he's changed and he won't answer.

I asked him if he was tired of me and wanted to break up and he said no. I know he isn't cheating on me. During discussions about this I've told him how much it hurts me when I try to hold his hand and he doesn't hold back, or try to hug and get a half-*** arm. I hate it when he does that, and it makes me angry, so that I can't argue properly.

It isn't alot to ask I don't think. I just don't know how to word it calmly...

Last edited by Ohdannyboy; 08-14-2007 at 12:45 PM. Reason: missed a post

 
Old 08-14-2007, 12:46 PM   #6
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 4,202
happymom28 HB User
Re: Need help with asking for love

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ohdannyboy View Post
This is really going to make him sound like a jerk but I have had that kind of talk before, and he said that I was "Trying to change him" or that I just "need to find someone who can love me the way I need."

He wasn't always like this. We used to hug and kiss and hold hands a lot. I have asked him why he's changed and he won't answer.
If he hasn't always been like this and he makes those kind of comments I get the impression he isn't telling you the truth somewhere. Bottom line is, if a man tells you that you "need to find someone who can love you the way you need" that is his way of telling you he is no longer interested. He is just too much of a loser (or too affraid of hurting you) to break up with you the way he should.

I'm sorry, but you really shouldn't waste any more time with him if this is the case. He can't give you what you need and he is unwilling to try. It's time to find the right man for the job.

 
Old 08-14-2007, 12:52 PM   #7
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 205
mannie8 HB User
Re: Need help with asking for love

I think it sounds like he might have fallen out of love with you. Especially if you used to be affectionate and now he is extremely uncomfortable with showing any affection. He may have said no when you asked him if he wanted to break up because he doesn't want to be the "bad" person. He told you to find someone who can love you the way you need it, that is a sign he might want you to break up with him so he doesn't have to live with the guilt.

 
Old 08-14-2007, 12:56 PM   #8
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In america
Posts: 54
Ohdannyboy HB User
Re: Need help with asking for love

We had a horrible fight the other day about this stuff, and I told him that he is being very selfish.

I think when he says the things like "find someone else" he is just trying to sound as if he doesn't care, to "show" that I can't hurt him.

In the past he has expressed how much he cares for me, and that he is afraid to lose me. He is very jealous, but he will only act on his jealousy if I am not around (example: I once hugged a guy friend I had not seen in months in front of my bf, and (just found this out) apparently ever since then he has been giving the guy dirty looks, ect.)

He's wierd.

 
Old 08-14-2007, 01:33 PM   #9
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
rosequartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Chicago,IL
Posts: 10,358
rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
Re: Need help with asking for love

sounds like he's just not into you. I was in a relationship like that once and I kept making excuses for him.......he's just not that affectionate, he shows his love differently, blah blah blah. the bottom line was he wasn't in love with me......
whatever his reason, he's not meeting your needs and you don't have to put up with it. get rid of him......

 
Old 08-14-2007, 02:59 PM   #10
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 4,081
Larrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB User
Re: Need help with asking for love

Ohdanny, I know Rosequartz and all of us may sound harsh, but I gotta say I do agree, that really does sound like you're just excusing his behavior away. My ex had fallen out of love with me, or more accurately, was coming to the realization that he never really loved me at all, and he had said things like "I wish you had dated other guys before me" because I was so inexperienced with it came to dealing with men and understanding how they worked. But when he changed from "I wish you had dated other men" to "I think you should date other men." I was too naive and too blind with desperation to see what he was really saying. He was pushing me away with both hands, begging me to leave him and I just was the dumb girl who didn't get it. I can tell you, it sucks being that girl. It still hits me and I feel so humiliated I want to double over. Trust me you don't want to be the dumb girl who doesn't get it.

Now, the thing you mentioned about him getting all pouty and giving your guy friend dirty looks after you hugged him, it could be insecurity, it could be many different things, but really the bottom line is, this guy is difficult for you to please and make happy, yes? I don't think love is supposed to be this hard. He sounds petty, jealous, and he's shut off from you, and worst of all, he's not telling you why. IT could be because he doesn't know how, he's ashamed of the reason why, doesn't know what the reason is, or just is too chicken to give you the bad news that he doesn't love you anymore. My own life experience has taught me that it's probably the last one, but you have to follow your own heart, but please, just please make sure you're operating in your OWN best interest as well as his. Don't be so eager and desperate to get answers from him and help him through it that you start putting the answers you want to hear in his mouth. He needs to man up and deal iwth the relationship like an adult or he'll lose you. That's his price to pay, not yours. Just don't let him waste your time.

 
Old 08-14-2007, 03:09 PM   #11
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
rosequartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Chicago,IL
Posts: 10,358
rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
Re: Need help with asking for love

believe me, I know.....I've been there.....
with this BF I mentioned, he lived with me for 2.5 years and it felt like a room mate, not a boyfriend/partner. I kept telling him I needed more affection, I needed him to act like a boyfriend and not a room mate, I needed him to express his feelings, etc. I kept asking him for re-assurance.....do you love me, etc....because I had to PROMPT him to get him to say it.......pathetic huh? can you believe me putting up with that? you guys think I'm harsh/mean/tough etc, but the reason I am this way is because I've been in these same situations and I learned from them. So anyway I even said to him..........I'm telling you we have a problem.....I'm telling you how to fix it.....why aren't you listening?

I was beating my head against the wall, as you are now......I learned the hard way, maybe you will too.....
he's just not that into you.......sorry, he's not.

 
Old 08-14-2007, 04:19 PM   #12
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Kszan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 4,989
Kszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB User
Re: Need help with asking for love

My ex bf (EX BF, I said) would never hold my hand. And he was the worst kisser in the universe, so I didn't even like kissing him. Ours was more like a really old marriage whereby the people involved were more like roomates than bf/gf. It sucked! And I stayed for way too long. It was never going to get better and it never did. So I quit the relationship, finally. My current bf holds my hand everywhere we go and I love it! I never would have had that if I stayed with Mr. Cold Fish. And neither will you if you don't dump his sorry lame butt!

 
Old 08-14-2007, 04:22 PM   #13
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In america
Posts: 54
Ohdannyboy HB User
Re: Need help with asking for love

I admit it, I do make excuses for his actions/lack thereof alot. I know that I care more for him than he does for me. I don't know why I hang on so tightly.

I wish it was easier to let go, but he is my first real love, and also my first everything else (including kiss). It's so hard. I spoke to him earlier and then saw him for a minute and he said he'd come by to talk after getting some cigarettes, but a friend of his came up and he started talking to him and they left together.

That action there shows he puts everything before me anyway.

Do I sound desperate? Could that be the reason he's losing interest? I just wish I could understand. I don't want to fight anymore.

 
Old 08-14-2007, 04:35 PM   #14
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
sunnyrise's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: united states
Posts: 614
sunnyrise HB Usersunnyrise HB Usersunnyrise HB Usersunnyrise HB Usersunnyrise HB Usersunnyrise HB Usersunnyrise HB Usersunnyrise HB Usersunnyrise HB User
Re: Need help with asking for love

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ohdannyboy View Post
We've been together for 2and half years and we're just boyfriend and girlfriend.

He wasn't always like this. We used to hug and kiss and hold hands a lot. I have asked him why he's changed and he won't answer.

I asked him if he was tired of me and wanted to break up and he said no. I know he isn't cheating on me. During discussions about this I've told him how much it hurts me when I try to hold his hand and he doesn't hold back, or try to hug and get a half-*** arm. I hate it when he does that, and it makes me angry, so that I can't argue properly.

It isn't alot to ask I don't think. I just don't know how to word it calmly...

Hi ohdannyboy,

You gave your bf the option of getting out of this relationship and he doesn't want to, so that makes me think that he really does love you and I think it's a possibility that maybe he is under some sort of stress that he is not communicating to you which may be the reason why he feels like not being intimate with you right now.

Have you noticed any other differences in him like depression or another problem? If he is going through something that could be the reason why he doesn't want to touch you right now. Just a thought.

Sunny

 
Old 08-14-2007, 04:50 PM   #15
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In america
Posts: 54
Ohdannyboy HB User
Re: Need help with asking for love

I think that this is the reason. Maybe I'm being selfish. But I don't really know how to show support any other way than I have been. It's just very frusterating.

Last edited by Ohdannyboy; 08-15-2007 at 09:58 PM.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
~ need a man's advice ~ mariagar Relationship Health 20 04-20-2010 07:41 AM
Need some help understanding where to go from here... cmlyna Relationship Health 5 09-27-2008 12:10 PM
Confused need opinions! He Loves me, he Loves me not? sarah92202 Relationship Health 81 08-15-2008 02:27 PM
I Need Help....bad!!!!! mxfreekstyle Relationship Health 3 12-02-2006 10:17 AM
Thanks Eve, starting new thread, bad night, need my wool steeled... Hiya Relationship Health 138 05-11-2006 09:28 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Kszan (273), rosequartz (255), pendulum (172), Larrylou'smom (164), Seraph (160), cryingforever (132), CadenceA (131), lenvegas (103), writeleft (83), Ely4 (62)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1013), Apollo123 (909), Titchou (857), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (763), ladybud (755), midwest1 (671), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:27 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!