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Old 08-15-2007, 04:17 PM   #1
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Exclamation Fiance issues...Need some help.

I have been engaged for about 5 months now and have been with my fiance since November of last year, well I've known him since then, been with him since January of this year and in March, we got engaged. My fiance is a great person, he in a sense saved me from myself. He's wonderful...but sometimes, he makes me feel like I'm nothing to him and as if I'm not good enough. I'm an insecure person, I always have been...I never feel good enough and he doesn't make me feel I am, usually he makes me feel worse. We are also in a long distance relationship, so it makes it even harder. I'm going to give you a list of things he does...

1) When he buys something/does something that has money involved, if I don't appreciate it or if someone in my family doesn't, he'll bring it up...My fiance isn't a poor man, he makes great money, 150 K a year plus bonus every 3 months. We had an engagement party, just a little thing and he made it clear that he didn't want to spend more than $500 on it. He even added up everything at the end. He always makes me feel like I'm not good enough for his money. He also wants a prenup. He keeps telling me how he doesn't want to spend more than $5,000 on our wedding.

2) When my fiance and I first started dating, he bluntly told me that my sister and I were just as attractive (he had seen pictures of her)and that I wasn't better than her and that if he met her and liked her better, he would tell me. (By the way, I'm much better looking than my fiance and everyone always tells him how I'm way out of his league.) And just today, him and I were talking and he was on my cousin's ******* profile earlier in the day and he was like "I went to your cousin's profile today and I hadn't really realized it before, but Brittany is so HOTTT! I was like "DAMNNNN..." And it made me upset, but I went along with it, I was like "yeah, she is a hot lil' mama...she is my cousin" and then I got a little passive aggressive, that's just my nature and he was like "don't worry, there's no one better for me than you" He didn't say I was hotter and that bothers me. It's just so wrong, how could he even say that...it's not funny, even if he thinks it is. And my fiance was previously married and when I compare my cousin and her together, they're similiar in how they look and it's like how is that suppose to make me feel?

3) He's bluntly told me how my forehead is too big and my nose is too big...which they're not, maybe to him...but I just don't understand how he can say those things to me.

4) He picks on my weight a lot...I'm almost 5'9, but I weigh 160 and my fiance is 5'9 and weighs almost 220. He has no problem stating that I'm fat, he even wrote me out a diet & exercise plan. And last time he was here, he was like picking me up and trying to put me on the scale.

5) He has all my passwords to my e-mail, *******, etc...but when I ask for his, he was like ha ha, I'm not giving it to you...It's as if he has something to hide.

6) He is really controlling. My sister's boyfriend was recently visiting and we went out to a few places and he was like don't go with them any where, I want to take you, or go to one place, don't go to another. And if I want to go out with my friends, he's like "you'd rather go out with them and not talk to me, whatever...go" Then when I go out and I go out during the day and I never ever go to clubs, he's like "yeah, go find a new man" It totally makes me not want to go. Then when I don't go out, he says I'm lazy and I need to get motivated and have hobbies. But it is literally anything I do, it's either you hate me and don't want to talk to me or you're finding someone else or how can you go without me? I'm a great dancer, so I wanted to take salsa classes to advance and he says to me, "Uhhh...you're going to be dancing with some guy during classes, I don't want you to do it." Then I took a picture with my sister's boyfriend and sent it to him and because he had his arm around my shoulder, he got mad and was like whatever, you like him...blah blah. It's just all these things.

I don't know what to do, he's a really good guy and I really don't believe he lies to me...but he just makes me feel like poop sometimes and so insecure.

 
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Old 08-15-2007, 04:56 PM   #2
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Re: Fiance issues...Need some help.

Quote:
I don't know what to do, he's a really good guy and I really don't believe he lies to me...but he just makes me feel like poop sometimes and so insecure.
a really good guy does not make you feel like poop ever intentionally.

It sounds like he is controlling and does not respect you or your feelings and is quite simply put, cheap.

After reading your post, quite frankly, I don;t see why you are even with this guy.
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Old 08-15-2007, 05:26 PM   #3
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Re: Fiance issues...Need some help.

I agree with everything said by the first person who replied. He sounds like a real jackass and why in the world would you give him your passwords? My husband of 12 years and I don't even share that info except on our joint accts. It's never occured to either of us to ask the other.

 
Old 08-15-2007, 05:29 PM   #4
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Re: Fiance issues...Need some help.

After reading your laundry list of crap that he pulls regularly, I'm struggling to figure out what you see in this turkey? I see no reason why anyone would put up with that kind of stuff from their SO. If you think he's going to "get better" or "change" after you're married, then I'm sorry but that's just not going to happen. Guys who are like that before marriage only get worse after marriage and that is a fact.

Haven't you read enough messages posted here from women in a very similar relationship each day, which makes you kind of sit back and wonder what the heck you're doing wasting your time on a guy like that? Clearly, you are ok with being disrespected by him, because you haven't put a stop to it. And if you can't stop it, then you only have one other option. But I'm sure you have a limitless number of excuses up your sleeve for why he does what he does and why he's really a "great guy" despite all of the stuff you listed and blah blah blah ad nauseum. It doesn't change the fact that a true great guy would never treat you this way. I'm very concerned that you can't seem to see the difference between a true great guy and ... this thing that you call a fiance.

 
Old 08-15-2007, 06:32 PM   #5
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Re: Fiance issues...Need some help.

Hi, I agree with what everyone else said. If you end up marrying this guy I really feel sorry for you because you are going to be one miserable human being.

You made the first step by posting and that's good. You deserve better, you really do.

Sunny

 
Old 08-15-2007, 08:00 PM   #6
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Re: Fiance issues...Need some help.

Leave him while you still have a trace of self-esteem left! If you don't, you don't need a psychic to foretell the life of misery and pain that is ahead of you. Imagine being legally stuck with this pillock and having his children - having to fight for every housekeeping penny (I bet that even if he "lets" you work, your earnings won't belong to you), having to explain every phone call or conversation or decision, no matter how trivial. If that sounds OK to you, then maybe we are too late with our advice. Nobody can survive emotionally with so little respect from their partner as you get. Sera

 
Old 08-15-2007, 08:50 PM   #7
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Re: Fiance issues...Need some help.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
Leave him while you still have a trace of self-esteem left! If you don't, you don't need a psychic to foretell the life of misery and pain that is ahead of you. Imagine being legally stuck with this pillock and having his children - having to fight for every housekeeping penny (I bet that even if he "lets" you work, your earnings won't belong to you), having to explain every phone call or conversation or decision, no matter how trivial. If that sounds OK to you, then maybe we are too late with our advice. Nobody can survive emotionally with so little respect from their partner as you get. Sera

EXACTLY! He is controlling and it will only get worse. Please don't marry him, I promise you will regret it......I've been with men like that and you can bend over backwards and it won't make them happy, they want to control you like a little puppet.......don't be a puppet.....this guy is no good, listen to us....get out while you still can.....and I don't want to scare you, but there are plenty of women who haven't escaped these types of relationships alive.

 
Old 08-16-2007, 07:56 AM   #8
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Re: Fiance issues...Need some help.

I'm really struggling to figure out where the "good guy" is in all of this crap! Are you serious? Honestly, what do you see in this guy?

I get that you are insecure. You have to be pretty insecure with yourself to put up with the crap he is feeding you. He is controlling and you are allowing him to do this. You don't have to be with him. You don't have to marry him. Once he has the ring on your finger it is going to get a thousand times worse. Seriously, this is nothing compared to how your life is going to be 5 years down the road.

Let me spell it out for you, your fiance is an a**h***e! He is rude, obnoxious, self centered, and disrespectful! So what if he makes $150k+ a year? Is that money going to buy you self respect and dignity in the long run? No, it's going to be what he holds over your head every minute of every day. He doesn't love you! Any man who loves a woman doesn't treat her the way he is treating you. Please, get out of this now before you make the biggest mistake of your life by marrying him.

 
Old 08-16-2007, 08:34 AM   #9
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Re: Fiance issues...Need some help.

What kind of help are you looking for? Ideas on what to say to him? Justification or affirmation for why you're allowing yourself to be walked all over?

Besides my own little question there, I definitely agree with what everyone else has said.

A few other red flags that jumped out at me is the length of time you've known each other, dated and "set a date." It would be one thing if you guys had both knocked each others' socks off, but there are problem in your relationship already. What's the rush in saying the I do's?

I also just want to re-emphasize that if you have issues with self-esteem/insecurity, why would you want to be with someone who puts you down so much? I've got to say that guys like yours there prey on the insecure chicks. Confident women would NEVER put up with a guy like that. I really don't see how you're ever going to overcome your self-esteem/insecurity issues with someone like this in your life.

 
Old 08-17-2007, 10:05 PM   #10
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Re: Fiance issues...Need some help.

Please stop wasting your time with that jerk, you deserve better

 
Old 08-18-2007, 09:33 AM   #11
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Re: Fiance issues...Need some help.

You deserve better hun. That guy just sounds mean and controlling. There are plenty nice guys out there who will appreciate you for being you instead of trying to change and control you.

Good luck and I hope you make the right decision

 
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