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Old 08-16-2007, 12:17 AM   #1
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How do I ask a guy "what are we doing" without turning him off?

Hello All,

This is a continuation of the Office Romance I am having at work. For those not familiar with my story - I have been working with this guy for 8 months, last month we both started flirting, which turned into an email/telephone number exchange. After talking for several weeks in a "get to know you way", he came over to view my new apartment, then came over a second date which then resulted in us both having sex. At the time I was concerned I had messed up any opportunity for a relationship because we had sex so soon. In the end, I felt it wasnt too soon because I had known him for a long while.

My question, we have been out on a date once in the very beginning. (per him he is really broke since he has been helping his brother go through school and handles all the bills for both of them till his brother graduates in a year (brother does not have a job), so maybe this is what he considers dating... I am not sure) He comes over once a week, we usually talk about everything, watch tv/movies together, then hours later we get passionate (which leads to sex). While he is at my house he is very affectionate/loving while we watch tv and talk - - holds my hand, plays with my hair, holds me in his arms. The other night we were just hugging outside and he said he could do this all night. He always stays the night with me. The thing is, he never really calls me (I have learned he hates talking on the phone and the few times we have talked on the phone it is brief) and at work we act friendly in a distant way but it is the way he looks at me when he walks by that lets me know he likes me. We have kept our "outside of work life" a secret from work - - for me personally I want to make sure this turns into something prior to annoucing to the office (office is very large - 100+ people on our floor alone)

I guess lately I have been feeling a little insecure. Usually when I am with a guy I know somewhat what we are doing. In this relationship, I have no clue -- I do not think he is seeing other people but that has never come up. I honestly do not know if I am just a booty call to him or even just friends with benefits.

He has always been a very friendly, nice person. He does talk/joke with other girls on the floor and I think to myself "is he doing the same thing with her?" Actually it is this one girl in particular. I have seen him standing at the receptionists desk, joking some during the day. As I was walking by the receptionist desk yesterday, I saw her laugh and she pointed at someone jokingly. I looked down the way and it was him smiling right back at her. Now he has always joked with her and such way before me but right now I am very sensitive to it. I guess because I have no clue what I am to him. How can I ask him "what exactly am I right now" without turning him off. Guys are so strange about being pressured into talking about relationships. Don't get me wrong he is friendly with me at work but things have changed since we started seeing each other. We keep alot more distant to keep it hidden.

Last edited by farceur66; 08-16-2007 at 02:20 AM.

 
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Old 08-16-2007, 12:26 AM   #2
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Re: How do I ask a guy "what are we doing" without turning him off?

It doesn't sound too secure to me. He is getting a pretty good deal out of this, he gets to come over and have sex on a regular basis and also gets to act the single guy in front of you the rest of the time. Don't just ask, INSIST on knowing what is going on. If he bolts, then at least you know exactly what you mean to him. That would be hard, but it would be much harder down the road when you have invested even more of yourself in him. You have every right to know whether or not you have a relationship, and actions speak louder than words. Is there a reason why you have to keep it secret at work? A lot of people meet their life partners through their jobs, so what is the deal here? Don't just settle for TV and sex, there is a lot more you should be getting from this. Sera

 
Old 08-16-2007, 12:28 AM   #3
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Re: How do I ask a guy "what are we doing" without turning him off?

Of course I will admit, the office is 98% women. In all offices I have worked at I have joked/had fun with the guys, even when I was married/dating. It does help the day go by faster and it meant nothing. I think that is just part of working in an office. These are things I would normally never see my man do if we didnt work together but since we do it is in my face for me to see and for me to stew about. He has always been the type of guy that jokes with the girls and talks to everyone but now that I am seeing him, I wonder if he likes her better and such. (am I making sense?) The good news, a new guy is moving behind me in a week and I am sure I will do my fair share of joking with this guy as well.

 
Old 08-16-2007, 12:34 AM   #4
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Re: How do I ask a guy "what are we doing" without turning him off?

I kept this a secret because I did not want to be subject to office gossip when I didnt even know if our relationship would make it a month. I personally wanted to wait till we had dated a while to make sure it was something. Dont want to be known as the girl HE saw for a few weeks and it didnt work out. You know how mean office gossip can be.

Last edited by farceur66; 08-16-2007 at 02:23 AM.

 
Old 08-16-2007, 04:28 AM   #5
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Re: How do I ask a guy "what are we doing" without turning him off?

it doesn't hurt to ask where you are at relationship wise. i doubt he would run since it does seem like you two are bf/gf...don't worry..just ask.
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Old 08-16-2007, 06:20 AM   #6
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Re: How do I ask a guy "what are we doing" without turning him off?

What also got me to this point of uncertainty about us was a week ago he was really late in letting me know he was unable to see me at the time we planned to get together. (I mean 2 hours late). He orginally sent me a text message apologizing, told me why he was a no show/no call for our "date" and stated (this is the part that bothered me) "I hope my visiting privileges are not gone?" I replied back in a positive way so he called me and we talked for a short while. He wanted to see me again the following day but I said I was busy so we got together the next day.

What bothered me was "I hope my visiting privileges are not gone?"

Then again yesterday, I sent him a joking email about a undershirt he left at my house the other day. I thanked him for the gift. He replied back in a joking way "I will get it back when I come over again". After I saw him joking with the girl upfront, I later sent him a nice email stating I would put it in a bag and bring it to work (he left his watch at my house before and that is what I have done in the past). He said not to do that because he would get it his next time over unless "this was his que that he was no longer being invited back to my house".

I realize men and women are different. I guess the "visit" thing bothered. Seemed so casual, l like I was just a visit to him that could go away at anytime (not a good thing to say to a woman who already feels uncertain). But then again what is he going to say... "I hope this does not mean I will not be your boyfriend anymore". Does that make sense?

Last edited by farceur66; 08-16-2007 at 06:27 AM.

 
Old 08-16-2007, 06:38 AM   #7
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Re: How do I ask a guy "what are we doing" without turning him off?

he seems like an easy guy to talk to. so send him an email and ask what your status is..if there is one. you need to know asap. so don't keep waiting.
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Old 08-16-2007, 07:02 AM   #8
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Re: How do I ask a guy "what are we doing" without turning him off?

I think I will wait till I see him in person. Plus at work I try to keep our emails as "non relationship" as possible because those emails are kept track of and could easily be read by managers (and have been if management feels there is a need). He does not have a personal computer at home so not able to email him at home.

 
Old 08-16-2007, 07:05 AM   #9
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Re: How do I ask a guy "what are we doing" without turning him off?

I agree with Saraph. It seems like this guy is getting a LOT out of this relationship, and more than what you're getting. Just what are YOU getting??

The fact that he was so late in cancelling his plans with you (2 hours late!) bothers me too. I don't think a guy who was REALLY into a woman would even think about doing this. Also, the fact that he asked you: "I hope my visiting priviledges aren't gone??" lets me know that he's really into this "relationship" with you for one reason and one reason only. The SEX. :-/

I hate to say it, but I think this guy is just using you. Tell me, does he take you out to nice restaurants and do you two have real "dates" together (planned by HIM)?? Or, is he just fine coming over (gee...wonder why?? )and say...cuddling, or watching a movie?? I hate to break it down like this, but this is what my gut is telling me. This guy may like you, but I don't think he sees you as long-term material.

I suggest you go to the bookstore, and pick up a copy of that book "He's Just Not That Into You", and skim through the pages...especially the one dealing with office romance. I think that if a guy REALLY liked a woman, he wouldn't have to keep things so secretive. Hmmm...makes me wnoder how many OTHER co-workers he's secretly dating.

If I were you, I would demand to know what was going on. Especially if you two are being intimate. Usually, I would say wait and don't ask such blunt questions (ie. just go with the flow)...but it seems like you really like this guy, and no offense, this guy seems like he's using you...

PS- Also, the "not a phone type guy" thing is a bunch of bull! In MY previous experience, even if a guy wasn't a "phone person", he would BECOME a "phone person" if it were a girl he was REALLY into. A guy who is really into you can't get enough of you...and I'm not just talking about physically either. I'm really talking about how he can't wait to hear your voice, talk to you, see what you're up to, know more about you and your life...etc.

Also, are you SURE he doesn't have a computer at home?? Have you been to his house?? I'm just saying...something about him is very fishy...

Last edited by sweet_chic; 08-16-2007 at 07:09 AM.

 
Old 08-16-2007, 07:15 AM   #10
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Re: How do I ask a guy "what are we doing" without turning him off?

As of yet, we have not gone to any restaurants except one restaurant in the very beginning. He told me from the beginning, before we started, that he was broke with helping his twin brother go to school and he was paying all the bills. All of our time together is spent at my apartment. He does at least make plans with me many days in advance, not like he calls at the last minute and asks me if he can "visit". That could probably be the only positive I can see is that he at least plans way in advance with me.

 
Old 08-16-2007, 07:16 AM   #11
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Re: How do I ask a guy "what are we doing" without turning him off?

A very large part of me does not want to wait till I see him again to ask him but I think talking on the phone is not such a good idea... especially since he is not into phone talk.

 
Old 08-16-2007, 07:20 AM   #12
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Re: How do I ask a guy "what are we doing" without turning him off?

asking in person would be awkward..how about a text?
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Old 08-16-2007, 07:37 AM   #13
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Re: How do I ask a guy "what are we doing" without turning him off?

Tarheel247,

If I was going to send him a text, how do you think I should word it?

 
Old 08-16-2007, 07:51 AM   #14
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Re: How do I ask a guy "what are we doing" without turning him off?

Quote:
Originally Posted by farceur66 View Post
A very large part of me does not want to wait till I see him again to ask him but I think talking on the phone is not such a good idea... especially since he is not into phone talk.
Yeah, I think this is a conversation that should be dealt with face-to-face. Not on the phone...especially if he's not a "phone person".

There are just some things that should be dealt with face to face. Plus, you could also tell if he's lying when you see him face to face and look him in the eyes. Through the phone he could be telling you one thing while having a girl with him the same moment. Just saying...I could be TOTALLY wrong, but my gut is telling me that this guy is just out to have fun and have an easy "lay".

Just in case you can't see the RED FLAGS that I'm personally picking up, let me show you what conjures up in my mind when I read your original post...


Quote:
My question, we have been out on a date once in the very beginning. (per him he is really broke since he has been helping his brother go through school and handles all the bills for both of them till his brother graduates in a year (brother does not have a job), so maybe this is what he considers dating... I am not sure)
Okay...so he's "broke". To me this translates into: He has found an excuse to give you so you don't think it's "weird" or "strange" if he doesn't shower you with gifts (like a boyfriend usually does) or take you out (wine & dine you) like most guys do when they're really "into" a girl. Even a college guy who is "broke" can find other cheap things to do that don't involve a lot of money. You don't have to go to Morton's of Chicago to eat dinner every weekend...but he could take you to nice quaint restaurants that are cheaper, and don't do too much damage on the wallet.

Quote:
He comes over once a week
Okay, stop right there. That in itself was a red flag to me. IMO, a guy who is REALLY interested and isn't dating another girl on the side would NOT be satisfied with just seeing you once a week. I mean, it's true...you two probably see each other every freaking day at work, but if it's true that you guys "play it cool" while on the work scene, a guy who really liked you wouldn't be able to wait until he was off work, so that he could shed the "facade" and see you AWAY from the office. Plus, you guys work together. There's no reason why you two couldn't go out after work and catch a movie or dinner or something.

Quote:
We usually talk about everything, watch tv/movies together, then hours later we get passionate (which leads to sex).
BINGO!! No wonder he likes to come over!

Quote:
While he is at my house he is very affectionate/loving while we watch tv and talk - - holds my hand, plays with my hair, holds me in his arms. The other night we were just hugging outside and he said he could do this all night. He always stays the night with me.
Yeah I bet... Guys will say ANYTHING to "get some". I'm sure he's VERY affectionate on those nights that you two are watching movies. Tell me, is he affectionate when you two are out on dates together?

Quote:
The thing is, he never really calls me (I have learned he hates talking on the phone and the few times we have talked on the phone it is brief)
Yeah...just read my last post about the "phone person" thing. You'll see why this is a red flag to me too.

Quote:
and at work we act friendly in a distant way
I concur with Saraph. He can play the "single role" while at work. Again, it makes me wonder just how many OTHER co-workers he's playing this "game" with. Especially that girl he likes to chat up and laugh with. Has he told her that they have to "play it cool" at work too?? Gee...that sounds like a good plan. This way, nobody has to no anything! Not even the other girls!! I may be jumping far into conclusions here, but I'm just seeing how so far a lot of his actions are working out to be in HIS favor, and not so much in yours...

Quote:
but it is the way he looks at me when he walks by that lets me know he likes me
Oh yeah...I know he likes you. He definitely likes that sex!

Quote:
I guess lately I have been feeling a little insecure. Usually when I am with a guy I know somewhat what we are doing. In this relationship, I have no clue -- I do not think he is seeing other people but that has never come up. I honestly do not know if I am just a booty call to him or even just friends with benefits.
Yeah, it's probably because those guys in the past (I assume) were all very INTO you, so therefore they wanted you to know what their intentions were. If you're feeling really insecure with this guy at work, then that is not a great sign. Usually, if a guy REALLY likes a girl, he will not want her to feel insecure. He'll do/say whatever he can to let her know that he wants her exclusively, and that she shouldn't feel insecure about anything.

Quote:
He has always been a very friendly, nice person. He does talk/joke with other girls on the floor and I think to myself "is he doing the same thing with her?" Actually it is this one girl in particular. I have seen him standing at the receptionists desk, joking some during the day.
Yea...I'm glad you're asking yourself these thought-provoking questions. That means you're not blind to his actions. Personally, I think he may have anther girl "on the side" if you know what I mean. That's just what my gut instinct is saying.

Now, if you're comfortable with all of this, and he's just a "F-buddy" for you, then go right ahead! Have fun! But personally, I think you could do SO much better OP.

 
Old 08-16-2007, 08:09 AM   #15
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Re: How do I ask a guy "what are we doing" without turning him off?

You were right to see the red flags at his choice of words, "visiting privileges." Not to judge, I just can't figure out why women are ok with swapping bodily fluids with a guy but can't have an honest conversation with him about what's happening between them. If you can be as intimate as two human beings can possibly be with this guy, you certainly can ask him if he's seeing or "visiting" other women. You have a right to know, if for no other reason than you're sleeping with everyone he's sleeping with, and everyone they're sleeping with, and you have a right to know just how much risk you're running catching herpes, clymedia or other STDs.

I think if you're that afraid he'll freak out and leave if you ask him some simply honest questions about the real nature of your relationship, then that sort of tells me you already know deep down, you just don't like the truth. But the truth doesn't go away just because you don't face it. Be confident and ask him if he's seeing anyone else the way he sees you and how does he see this "relationship." You have a right to know, and you owe it to yourself to know the truth and to proceed with this thing with your eyes open.

 
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