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Old 08-16-2007, 10:57 AM   #1
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Thumbs down Does he love me? Would like male & female views please.

Hi this is a 1st for me so please be gentle..Iím 34 and my husband is 36, weíve been married 10years and have a 4 yr old son. Yea weíve had ups and downs as any relationship but weíve always been fairly happy and content with what weíve worked for. My husband has to travel every now and again with his job which is fine as its normally only a few days the longest he was away was a week and he cried down the phone to me telling me how much he missed me and wanted to be home so when he accepted the opportunity to go away for 6 months I was a little taken aback. He did seek my approval and to be honest I said yes as I didnít want to hold him back as it was a good opportunity but he knew that I didnít really want him to go and it broke my heart that he could just leave us. At first he did seem upset to be apart from us but started to withdraw as when he would phone he never actually talked about anything it was as if the call was forced. We went to see him for a holiday and things were ok between us although his sex drive was really declining and he wasnít attentive as he would normally be and he was kind of different with me. Iíve tried new clothes, underwear, toning up at the gym,etc but now I feel whatís left to do.

Anyway from me & my son returning home he has changed dramatically and itís such a change in his character that heís definitely not the man I married. He has always been a doting dad but for 3 months he hasnít bothered at all with our son and my boy really insecure about it so much so that he tells me he loves me 100 times a day. My husband stopped saying he loved and missed me and basically didnít have time to even talk to us. My son would wait at the computer to talk on the web cam and he would either forget or oversleep or not charge the battery on his laptop. Iíve tried to talk to him on the phone and web but itís no use heís just unapproachable. He forgot about my appointment for a lump on my breast and even after reminding him he still waited hours before asking me how the scan & biop went. I sent him an email telling him all my feelings and he agreed at how he had been behaving and said he would really try to get us back on track but that was short lived. Before he went away he did go out with his mates but not regular but since heís been away heís out nearly every night having a decent amount to drink. He drinks with a bunch of younger single lads and I donít know if heís just getting a taste of commitment free life. He said heís been faithful and that his wedding ring means something to him but I honestly feel that the way heís been with me & my son that my wedding rings fell like just any old rings.
Thereís a possibility that his employer could offer him to transfer permanently so I asked him hypothetically what he would do. His reply was that he WILL have to see how we get on when he gets back! He answered without any consideration to our son or how hurt I would be and he really is considering it which crushes me.
I really donít know what I did wrong for this to happen. I still love him but I donít think that his feelings are as strong as they used to be. Heís home in a couple of weeks and I donít know how to handle this. Do I make him sleep in the spare room before we can talk? And I donít want my son to be affected by this either as he starts school soon. Please help as heís just unapproachable and I donít know what to do.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.

 
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Old 08-16-2007, 11:07 AM   #2
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Re: Does he love me? Would like male & female views please.

Perhaps he met someone else? Approach it easily. Don't accuse.....Don't be too harsh.

perhaps you can sit and talk with him. Ask him if he is unhappy. Talk do not fight, it will only make things worse.

 
Old 08-16-2007, 11:16 AM   #3
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Re: Does he love me? Would like male & female views please.

Just to let you know up front, I do hesitate to say this simply because there's no possible way I can really know everything about your very difficult and complicated situation through a computer screen, but if I were to guess, I'd say I smell another woman, whether he's actually done something with her or is just thinking about it.

You are his wife. If he is given an offer to move permanently somewhere, you either go with him or he doesn't go, it should be that simple, no discussion necessary. that's how it SHOULD be. The fact that he told you he may move away from you permanently "depending on how you 'get on' " when he gets back, well, whooooooaaaaa. That's not good at all. I mean, ***?? When he does get back, I'd insist he start talking and talk now about everything that's really going on and why he's emotionally pulling out of the relationship. This is serious stuff, I'm afraid. If he's planning on bailing, then you deserve to know as soon as possible so you can make arrangements for yourself and your son and start the process of moving on with your life.

 
Old 08-16-2007, 01:43 PM   #4
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Re: Does he love me? Would like male & female views please.

does he love you?
I have no idea......

I will say that he doesn't respect you, doesn't consider your feelings, and takes you for granted that you will stick around no matter what he does......

 
Old 08-16-2007, 02:03 PM   #5
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Re: Does he love me? Would like male & female views please.

I would be on his case big time, if for no other reason but for the hurt he is dealing your son. How could he?? I can sort of see him falling into an irresponsible bachelor lifestyle while he is away, and putting his marriage on the back burner, but he has a son who loves him. I agree with LLM about the permanent thing, surely you would go to live with him if he was transferred permanently. It is all very strange and unsettling for you, and you need to make him commit to getting straight and doing the right thing by you and his son.

 
Old 08-16-2007, 03:57 PM   #6
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Re: Does he love me? Would like male & female views please.

I have to agree with everything LLM said. It definately sounds like there is someone else, but whether or not he has done anything or just thought about it is anyone's guess.

You really need to sit him down and have a long talk with him. You deserve to know why he is pulling away from you and your son and why he would even consider taking a job depending on how you "get on". I mean, what is that? Whatever his reasoning, it just doesn't sound good. Did he actually say he would move permanently without you or your son? Honestly, you need to get this all out as soon as he gets home. This is the kind of thing that can't wait anymore.

Is it possible for someone to take your son for a weekend so the two of you can talk without having him hear what is going on? The last thing your son needs at this point is to hear this sort of discussion. I think the poor boy has enough on his plate.

Of course, I just thought of this. How far away is he working? What about having someone watch your son this weekend and go and surprise him? You can guage a lot by his reaction to you. Most men away from their wives like that would love that sort of thing. If he reacts poorly (or even worse, you see something you shouldn't see a married man doing) that will allow you to make the decision without him, if you know what I mean.

 
Old 08-16-2007, 04:48 PM   #7
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Re: Does he love me? Would like male & female views please.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
does he love you?
I have no idea......

I will say that he doesn't respect you, doesn't consider your feelings, and takes you for granted that you will stick around no matter what he does......
I would take heed of every word here OP; and make it my business to seriously challenge this mans perceptions - and I mean SERIOUSLY. I'm very sorry hon; but if you want your marriage this man needs to realise fast that you're something worth wanting, because he sure as hell isnít realising it now.

 
Old 08-17-2007, 08:28 AM   #8
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Re: Does he love me? Would like male & female views please.

Many thanks for your all your input I really appreciate being able to vent to someone. I took it all onboard and emailed him asking him outright once again if there was someone and like you all suggested if there was someone that he wanted but not yet took things further. His reply was the same as previously with ďI haven't been with anyone as I wouldn't do that to youĒ and actually I knew in my heart that he wants someone else I just never thought it would happen. He didnít say I love you I donít want anyone else so what a fool I feel. He did however say that if he takes the permanent job heíll still be in our lives as heíll visit and we can go visit him too, nice eh! If Iím to be a single parent thereís no way Iím going to be able to pull the flight money so our son can see him.
Visiting him for the weekend is out of the question as heís in the US and Iím in the UK so itís really hard communicating and heís so distant. I can understand that he might want to say things to my face but Iíve said that we need to get some things sorted so that when he comes home in 2 weeks I can prepare myself so that our son isnít affected as he starts school in 2.5wks which is life changing enough for him let alone everything else thatís going on around him. I find it so hard to act ok in front of my son and I really really try to make him feel secure and happy. Heís just so sweet, heís a joy and I canít believe that my husband would do this to us all. What can I do to make this ok for him heís only 4?
My husband did start to spill a little more info as to how happy heís been there and how heís respected at work and that people at work have commented that they like him there and that he likes the attitudes over there. He also said that he wasnít really happy when we went over for a holiday with him and that he thought heíd told me, youíd think Iíd remember. He also said that he felt pressured into sex as we were trying for another baby, yes that was WE who wanted another baby and believe me there was no pressure at ALL we agreed if i fell pregant it would be a bonus and that if not we'd still have our son. He never said anything about not wanting another child of that he wasnít happy. My only consolation is that thankfully Iím not pregnant.
As gutted as I am I know that I can never get over how heís been with us and to leave us in the 1st place and know itís never been in his head that we would be there with him I know Iíve got to move on. I did take my vows seriously but I canít do this anymore I feel totally low and unattractive and worthless so Iíve arranged for advise as to my standings if we split.

 
Old 08-17-2007, 09:25 AM   #9
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Re: Does he love me? Would like male & female views please.

I'm sorry taby88 ! What a tough situation he has put you in. It think it was very wise of you to seek some advice as to what you should do. Do you have family around you? Be sure to lean on them (no matter how hard it is to tell them what is going on) because you are really going to need all the emotional support you can get.

My daughter was only 4 when her father disappeared from her life. She dealt with the whole separation and divorce thing for a year prior so I know exactly how you are feeling regarding your son right now. The best advise I can give you is, if you can afford it (or if you can find it reduced fee if you can't) arrange for your son to see a therapist. I didn't do this with my daughter because I thought everything was okay and she seemed to transition easily. Now, 2 years later, she is struggling with why "old daddy" doesn't call, visit, or send her a birthday card. She is wondering what she did wrong to make him not want to see her. She is affraid "new daddy" (she made these names btw, not me) is going to leave too. This all came on very sudden and we will be seeing a highly recommended therapist when she is back from vacation. I think a therapist will be able to help him talk out his feelings without all the emotion you will have toward it. A lot of kids don't want to discuss things like this wtih the other parent because they don't want to upset them or they are affraid they are going to leave too. I may be a good idea for you to find someone to talk to too.

Again, I am really sorry about how your husband is treating you. It is so unfair how he is being with you. I know it is hard now but do your best to stay strong for your son. He needs you now more than ever. Come here to vent anytime. There are so many of us who know what you are going through. And please, let us know how things go when he gets home okay?

 
Old 08-17-2007, 04:45 PM   #10
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Re: Does he love me? Would like male & female views please.

Quote:
Originally Posted by taby88 View Post
Many thanks for your all your input I really appreciate being able to vent to someone. I took it all onboard and emailed him asking him outright once again if there was someone and like you all suggested if there was someone that he wanted but not yet took things further. His reply was the same as previously with ďI haven't been with anyone as I wouldn't do that to youĒ and actually I knew in my heart that he wants someone else I just never thought it would happen. He didnít say I love you I donít want anyone else so what a fool I feel. He did however say that if he takes the permanent job heíll still be in our lives as heíll visit and we can go visit him too, nice eh! If Iím to be a single parent thereís no way Iím going to be able to pull the flight money so our son can see him.
Visiting him for the weekend is out of the question as heís in the US and Iím in the UK so itís really hard communicating and heís so distant. I can understand that he might want to say things to my face but Iíve said that we need to get some things sorted so that when he comes home in 2 weeks I can prepare myself so that our son isnít affected as he starts school in 2.5wks which is life changing enough for him let alone everything else thatís going on around him. I find it so hard to act ok in front of my son and I really really try to make him feel secure and happy. Heís just so sweet, heís a joy and I canít believe that my husband would do this to us all. What can I do to make this ok for him heís only 4?
My husband did start to spill a little more info as to how happy heís been there and how heís respected at work and that people at work have commented that they like him there and that he likes the attitudes over there. He also said that he wasnít really happy when we went over for a holiday with him and that he thought heíd told me, youíd think Iíd remember. He also said that he felt pressured into sex as we were trying for another baby, yes that was WE who wanted another baby and believe me there was no pressure at ALL we agreed if i fell pregant it would be a bonus and that if not we'd still have our son. He never said anything about not wanting another child of that he wasnít happy. My only consolation is that thankfully Iím not pregnant.
As gutted as I am I know that I can never get over how heís been with us and to leave us in the 1st place and know itís never been in his head that we would be there with him I know Iíve got to move on. I did take my vows seriously but I canít do this anymore I feel totally low and unattractive and worthless so Iíve arranged for advise as to my standings if we split.
I can relate to a lot of what you are going through. A while after our first child was born, my husband, who had a night job as well as his day job, started to get distant and to cut a long story short asked for a 'break' from us. I moved out and asked him many times if there was someone else and he said the same thing as your husband "I wouldn't do that to you" but I found a few little clues and although he has still never admitted to it, I'm sure there was. We have been separated for 5 years now and he has tried a few times to get back with me, but then backed off soon after. During one of the times we were supposedly trying to get things back on track he started to get distant again and eventually after many months I found out that he had a fling with some girl and got her pregnant. It is very difficult when they won't admit to something. I hung on for nearly 5 years because he was always denying everything and I wanted to believe him, but after the pregancy thing, I realised that I could never trust him, so I have FINALLY accepted that we will never be together - and I'm ok with that now. It's taken a lot of time and pain, but I am slowly getting on with things. We have to see each other regularly because of the children (we had our daughter during the separation), so I am just trying my best to have some sort of 'friendship' with him for our children's sake. I really feel for you though because I have truly been through hell with this man that I thought was the love of my life.

 
Old 08-17-2007, 10:46 PM   #11
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Re: Does he love me? Would like male & female views please.

Wow this is a biggy, you know sometimes men are so absent minded. I have not married and I would not want to even imagine how hard this must be for you and your baby. Really I think he is getting a taste of freedom and enjoyng it too much, it seems like you married young, was he your high school sweetheart. Did he ever see anyone before you both commited to each other? When he comes home I agree with the other post approach it gently and not accusing and try to talk and see whats going on. Its not your fault, you can be superfine and a man wont even care. I hope it works out for you and your family

 
Old 08-18-2007, 12:00 AM   #12
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Re: Does he love me? Would like male & female views please.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nikole74 View Post
I can relate to a lot of what you are going through. A while after our first child was born, my husband, who had a night job as well as his day job, started to get distant and to cut a long story short asked for a 'break' from us. I moved out and asked him many times if there was someone else and he said the same thing as your husband "I wouldn't do that to you" but I found a few little clues and although he has still never admitted to it, I'm sure there was. We have been separated for 5 years now and he has tried a few times to get back with me, but then backed off soon after. During one of the times we were supposedly trying to get things back on track he started to get distant again and eventually after many months I found out that he had a fling with some girl and got her pregnant. It is very difficult when they won't admit to something. I hung on for nearly 5 years because he was always denying everything and I wanted to believe him, but after the pregancy thing, I realised that I could never trust him, so I have FINALLY accepted that we will never be together - and I'm ok with that now. It's taken a lot of time and pain, but I am slowly getting on with things. We have to see each other regularly because of the children (we had our daughter during the separation), so I am just trying my best to have some sort of 'friendship' with him for our children's sake. I really feel for you though because I have truly been through hell with this man that I thought was the love of my life.
After months of asking heís finally done it and told me a bit of his feelings. He could have told me months ago but he honestly didnít have the guts so he just lead me on thinking he was coming home.
I found out last night, through an email, that he wants us to spilt and to be truthfully honest I had resigned myself to it. His reason being that heís just unhappy and that he loves me but just not the same. Heís still insistent that there is no-one else but I really think heís lying. He said he loves me but itís not in the same way as he used to and that no matter where heíll live he always wants to be a part of out lives. He has to come back here in 2 weeks as his visa expires and then heís enquiring about going back over there permanently (without much thought to our son). Not out of spite or hate as really Iím still in shock about the whole situation, but I asked him to stay somewhere else as I feel if he comes to our home and stays with us my son is going to think weíve fallen back into happy family mode and then heíll be gutted when Ďdadí leaves again. I told him that once heís back its only a few days that he starts school but I think he thinks Iím being awkward. I said that he can see our son when heís back but it should be limited so that our son doesnít get too confused. Am I doing the right thing? You must remember that my husband hasnít bothered with our son for months now and I think when he comes back heíll want to be fun and the saviour dad and I really donít think my boy can handle it.
God what a mess I feel, Iíve woken this morning after very little sleep and have decided that I just canít cry today. I feel numb and sick and my son must be picking up on this as having hay fever just canít be an excuse permanently. Iíve arranged for our house to be valued as thereís no way I can afford to keep it on myself and Iím going to look for a job so that I can try to get me and my son a new home. It was a joint decision that I left work to raise our son and now that we are separating I feel that heís taken my security with him too. Iíve also arranged to get advice from a solicitor next week so hopefully I can be prepared for my husband coming home. I think heíll want us to sell our house quickly as heíll need the money to start fresh too. I know I did nothing wrong and I honestly thought we were ok. I tried to keep us together but itís obviously not meant to be, I just feel so deflated, let down and broken. God I hope I can do this.

 
Old 08-18-2007, 01:04 AM   #13
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Re: Does he love me? Would like male & female views please.

Of course you can do this. Sometimes the trials in life require us to be stronger than we ever wanted to have to be, but we find that we can rise to the challenge, especially for our offspring, a woman knows no bounds to her strength when it comes to providing the best for her kids. Hang in there. You're doing great.

 
Old 08-18-2007, 06:14 AM   #14
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Re: Does he love me? Would like male & female views please.

Hi again taby88,

I think you are absolutely doing the right thing by having your husband stay somewhere else. This whole situation is confusing enough for your son without having daddy come back for a few weeks and then leave again. How selfish of him to say that you are the one being awkward! You're protecting your son like any decent parent would do. If he thought of your son's feelings at all he would agree without hesitation.

You're right hon, you did nothing wrong. Sometimes despite our best efforts things change in a way we're not quite prepared for. We are never given more than we can handle so you will get through this a much stronger woman. You really are doing great and it appears from your posts you have your head on straight about the matter. I'm not sure how many other women in your position would be so level headed.

 
Old 08-26-2007, 12:46 PM   #15
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Re: Does he love me? Would like male & female views please.

1 week on and it feels like a life time. My husband is due back on Friday and my life is upside down. Heís said lots to hurt and upset me but Iím hanging on in there. Iíve had my house valued and Iíve had advice and kind of know my rights but thereís lots still to consider. I donít know if I can keep the house on for me and my son or to sell and down size, things are just so messy and either way itís going to be a hard. My husband is very very eager to sell, sell, sell everything, get divorced and cut all ties before he return to the US and Iím really suspicious as he only said we split a week ago. Iíve told him things are going WAY too fast and I canít do everything all at once. I know he doesnít want me but to be truthful Iím not ready to be divorced yet, does that sound mad? Iíve asked if heís on drugs, got someone pregnant, gay, etc but he says no to all. I even asked why he couldnít stay in the UK to see our son and still spilt from me and have no Ďfamily responsibilitiesí just have play time with him and he still said no itís his decision and he wants to return to the US. I asked him how he can turn his back on him and not see him playing football, swim,etc. but honestly heís not interested. My husband is still insistent that heís not seeing anyone but I feel it in my heart. He has been so cruel with how heís handled this and truthfully if he can back on Friday on his hands and knees begging forgiveness I think Iíd boot him for the way he speaks and has treat me. Iíve managed to keep myself together in front of my son and I seem to be managing to talk about this without breaking down. In a way I think heís done me a favour being away for 6 months as Iím independent and quite strong to the point that I can do things on my own, well I am trying to convince myself but its bloody hard as I never thought this would happen to me. My son is really really struggling. Heís been having tantrums and not sleeping, his moods have shifted and itís just not my happy lil go lucky boy, heís just so sad. He asked my husband why he wasnít coming home and he replied that he did want to, but I can look after him better and when I called him a coward he hung up. I told my husband that I wanted my maiden name back and that Iím changing my sons name too (donít think I will but felt like it at the time) and he said OK! I also said that when he moves out to the US if anything ever happened to me he wouldnít get my son and heíd never take him over there he also said OK??? How can a doting father change that much? I just donít understand how a loving bloke has turned so cold. He insists that he loved me, missed me, etc. 3 months ago and since then heís changed without being with me to not fancying me, not missing me that way? And not loving me that way! Iíve packed all his clothes into bags ready for him to collect on Friday as heís coming to talk and then I said he could visit our son for a limited time on the Saturday afternoon then he has to face my parents on Sat night and he thought the world of them so Iíve no idea how heíll be. Please wish me some luck as I know Iím not going to be able to hold it together on Friday and Iím really worried as Iím just not getting angry? Is that normal? Iíve been crushed, upset but not angry? I feel in limbo.

 
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