My problem started off back in April. A girl at work who i work closly with and get on extremly well with, attended a house warming party. At the end of the night we ended up kissing from there on it led to more meetings at random places for a kiss. She was sent around the country to do a project for the past few months. I quite often travelled to meet her and stay over in hotels, we went out for dinner, shared the same bed and kissed and cuddled. I only ever slept with her once, ie did the deed. We said we would stop the carryings on because.....
The worst bit is she is in a marrage of 5 years and has a 4 year old daughter. She was 19 when she got married currently now 24 same age as me, her husband was 24 and is currently 30. Her marrage was rushed as she is not british so from what i found out she met her husband in the flat where she was renting, they got togeather and before she knew it, she was pregnant so they decided to get married as it seemed the right thing to do. After many conversations I feel she got maried for all the wrong reasons and now i feel she is feeling as though she is missing out on life.
Im also a friend of her husband, I overheard them when i stayed over at their house one night after a night on the town, he was argueing over he never get sex anymore. She says she is happily married but I dont believe that otherwise she would not have allowed are relationship to start nevermind continue as it is or was. We have supposidly stopped our carryings on however she has gone away back to her hometown for one month just her and her daughter and persists in calling me everyday fro the past 3 weeks.
I am rather confused as she says things are rosey in her marriage which i very mucch doubt, but if things are rosey back home why does she persist in calling me to see how i am, what ive been upto am i missing her etc etc. I realise what we are doing is down right wrong, we`ve tried calling it quits but always seem to end up back on the phone. In my mind if her marrage is not working out, she should end it, It will be tough and her daughter will get over a break up, what i truely see is a mother and father argueing and their daughter picking up on the bad atmosphere. I realise she has a lot too loose financially aswel house etc. What i cant understand is why she persists on calling me one min asking me questions then if i said something like i want to kiss her she will say no thnaks it stopped now no more, what does she want??? why is she soo obsessed in calling me if she says she doesnt want anything?? What were doing is bad i know, but as we have both told each other as much as its bad we both reeally like each other however the main reason she cant continue is because she is married but still why is she persisting????
I realise she has a lot too loose financially aswel house etc.
It seems like you kind of answered your own question there. She is comfortable and safe in her marriage and doesn't want to give up that stability. With you she has gotten the opprotunity to experience all of the passion and desire and excitement that she may feel she missed out on by getting pregnant and married so young.
I don't doubt that she has feelings for you. But especially since you say you are friends with the husband, just imagine all of the crap that would come down if the two were to get divorced and then he finds out YOU are in the picture. (Because even if you claim that you didn't begin the affair until after they were split up, I'm sure he wouldn't believe it). So if you and this woman were to ever publicly become a couple, I'm sure her husband would probably want your head on a stick.
At least, that is why I stay with my fiance and don't run off with his friend, the man I've been having an affair with for the last two years. (But I am trying to quit). To quote: Affairs of the heart that start out in the dark usually stay with the night. She may not want to lose you, but there is no way she can ever really BE with you.
The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~
She wants to have her cake and eat it, too. She wants the security and stability of her marriage, and she may even want to save her marriage and she may even love her husband, but she also wants to have the comfort and convenience of having you as a friend to talk to,maybe even the naughty excitement of talking to someone she once had sex with on the sly. But if she cuts you off everytime you mention wanting to kiss her, then I would take her at her word, believe her when she says she loves her husband, believe her when she says the sexual part of her relationship with you is over. I mean, it's really not for you to say or to guess how happy or unhappy she is in her marriage, or whether she should leave. You're trying to read her mind, and putting your own agenda in the reading. That will get you nowhere. Deal with her and the situation for what they are, not for what you wish they were. She's married, she's ended the sexual part of the relationship with you. Don't bother trying to figure out why she calls you, or why she does anything. All you need to figure out is, what do YOU want out of this? If having her as a friend that you chat on the phone with and talk her problems out with is fine with you, then talk away. If you want more from her than what she's currently giving you, you'd do best to move on, whether that means just an emotional separation on your part and putting the relationship in a different perspective, or it might mean actually cutting off all contact and telling her you don't want to be her phone buddy and crying towel, and move on.
But don't waste anymore time sitting around trying to guess why this and what about that.
Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 08-19-2007 at 09:46 AM.
Thanx for such rapid replys, GypsyArcher If you have been having an affair for the past 2 years with this guy, it shows you must really be into him, It also shows that ur current man is most likely not the right man for you to be with otherwise you wouldnt of cheated on him in the 1st place, why dont you want to call it quits with your current and move on to the future??? If thats what you want to do, that is, theres nothing stopping you, yes its tough to break the news and cause emotipnal upset in peoples hearts but you have to do it for yourself to be happy, we only get one shot at life and its over before we know it, dont go through life with regrets i say. If you have something to do, then do it to be happy!
She's happy in the marriage she is in, to a degree. Like you said, she will stand to lose a lot financially such as her home and other comforts she has become accustomed to. Some people (men and women) will stay for these reasons even if there is no love or other connection. It's very sad in my opinion, but it happens.
I don't doubt that she has feeling for you either, but as LLM's said, she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She wants to keep the comfort and security of her marriage while having you on the side. If she hasn't done anything to change her marriage status in all this time to be with you then I highly doubt it is ever going to happen.
It seems you are the one with the choice to make. Do you keep giving her the little she will allow while knowing she will never leave her husband for you or do you move on and find a woman who is available to you on all levels? I think you know the wise choice to make here, but unfortunately like so many others who post about this subject on the board, you most likely won't make that wise choice.
Sorry, mate, but this is going nowhere. You are her toy, her bit on the side, and that is all you are going to get. If you were a woman and she the man, it would be obvious that you are the "other person". She may like you but I can guarantee that she will never give up her marriage for you.
Woah Dean, what you describe rings remarkable bells with the situation I am in.. similar period of marriage, young child. My situation has been going on for a long time, though has not been as physical as yours has been.
If you want to see how that developed over time (sounds like yours albeit on a longer timescale) read here:
Like you I don't believe the woman you're seeing is happy in her marriage - if she were she would not be doing what she is doing. It is perhaps an excuse for not having the strength to end that unhappy position. I agree with you about the child - children adapt remarkably quickly though parents don't always think so, and can be blind to thinking that their child is absolutely happy.
In your case, where she has said she doesn't want certain aspects any more, like kissing, this could be because that makes her feel guilty. When she's calling you up she can justify that to herself as just being friendly, regardless of her motives. Guilt can make people rationalise ANYTHING with all manner of lame excuses and convince themselves that x is wrong but y is ok because it's not x.
It's a tricky position - on one hand she does value you in some way, but whether that is a healthy way and whether what she really wants matches what you really want can be very difficult to gauge. I've found it an absolute headache - for every thing you can look at and say "yes she does" you can look at something and say "that's not right".
If she ends up in a position where she won't tell you what she wants and feels you may find her saying things like "you know how I feel" or that "you can work it out". That's wrong - it leaves it up to your imagination, and offloads the responsibility from her to be straight with you. Getting a straight answer can be like getting blood out of a stone even if you're tough about it.
She keeps in contact with you because she gets something out of it. Are you getting something out of it though? Does she show much interest in how you are, or are you just being used as a sounding board for her day, her problems etc. How one-sided is it? It sounds fairly one-sided because she seems to want you on her terms.
Calmbloke to your reply, Yes I do get something out of it, We both love to chat to each other, we chat for at least an hour every day about all different kinds of things, we make each other laugh almost continuously. She has told me previously she feels very guilty as you would and i think what you say backs that up. I realise she is in a very trickey situation, I think the best thing i can do is wait for her to come back off her hols and just go with the flow and see how it goes.
Lifelight i wouldnt say it wrecks lives, whats the point in living a lie in a false marriage if its not working out. I realise its very upsetting for the other party but i stongly believe if its not so rosy and theres no fix available whats the point in remaining togeather, but this is mealy speculation on my part.
Sorry to be blunt but her having slept with a man as quickly as she met him, got preganant, got married and then regretted it --is a lame excuse for her dishonesty. She must have liked her husband enough to do so. She sounds like she likes your attention and you are the one who is missing out here. I am a foreigner in the UK and I have an English partner. Yes, there is something special and intriguing about it. He was a novelty to me and all that. BUT, there should be a lot more things in common to a have a healthy relationship.
Manchester is wonderful city, esp for social life and there are loads of gorgeous girls out there who will make you a lot happier and emotionally and sexually fulfilled.
I would ask her to make a choice now, and to be up to it. Is divorce in her culture considered a stigma or something difficult?
Anyway, good luck. You are still very young and you need to enjoy every second of your youth.
Dean - Personally I think you should keep well away from this lady. Yes you may like her, but she is your freinds wife, and you have crossed the boundary with her, when you 'did the deed'.
Something that came out to me in this, is you say she is foreign and she married this guy hastily once she found out she was pregnant. Well don't let her latch onto you as a way of escaping her marraige.
If she was happy in her marraige as she tells you, then why is she ringing you all the time, and arranging to meet up with you?
If she decides to leave her marraige, then let her do it for herself, and not because you have got involved with her.
This week so far shes blowing cold, she goes through stages, last week she was blowing hot and now this week cold, although ive just spoken to her, she says shes had a bad day. Shes also cagey of where shes calls from, shes out on the town everynight, her husband is back here in the UK, he was suppose to go out this week but she said the flights were too expensive, she had this trip planned a year in advance, it seems strange that he didnt pre book the flights a year in advance. Im starting to think this girl maybe more trouble and heart ache than shes worth as much as i do like her, but how can any wife truely go on holiday, well back to her hometown for 3 weeks with her daughter and go out every night on the town, surly you would want your husband to be there??? She says she gets alot of male attention but doesnt take them on board, however im not soo sure, If she can play away with me at home, she can play away with fellas away from home although she says she doesnt. For these reasons im going to forget about her n move on n just work with her at work. I think she would cause too much heart ache and would not be bale to trust her.
Im starting to think this girl maybe more trouble and heart ache than shes worth as much as i do like her, but how can any wife truely go on holiday, well back to her hometown for 3 weeks with her daughter and go out every night on the town, surly you would want your husband to be there???
I think you are absolutely right, she is more trouble and heartache than she is worth. And speaking as a wife, I couldn't imagine leaving my children and husband for 3 weeks to go back to my hometown and party like I was single. There is something about that that is just not right. I mean, I would go out once or twice with old friends and catch up, but go out every night just to get male attention just because I can, I don't think so.
Originally Posted by dean1983
She says she gets alot of male attention but doesnt take them on board, however im not soo sure, If she can play away with me at home, she can play away with fellas away from home although she says she doesnt. For these reasons im going to forget about her n move on n just work with her at work. I think she would cause too much heart ache and would not be bale to trust her.
So she gets a lot of male attention but you are the only guy she "plays with" outside of her marriage? Who is she kidding or trying to convince, herself? If she can carry on with you in close proximity to her husband you can bet you *** that she is playing around while he is home with the family.
I hope for your sake you see this situation for what it is and forget about her before you get in too deep. She is cheating on her husband, there is no possible way you could trust anything she ever says or does.
Her child is also away with her, she goes home once a year, takes her child to see the grand parents etc, however normally she also takes her husband, this year he was suppose to go but she said the fliughts were too expensive. i personally think thats an excuse. When i ask her if shes pulled she just says no she felt guilty enough with me, she just goes out with the girls. Im not sure tho, maybe she does, It maybe different in Italy, She comes from a small italian island. My mind often runs away and i think maybe shes meeting up with ex boyfriends, as im thinking shes had sex with me so theres nothing to stop her from having sex behiond her husbands back again but further away in her home town.
Really you need to see this Woman for what she is, an adulter. While she is away, go out and find yourself a nice girl, change your numbers, and have nothing more to do with this awful woman. You deserve better, and she is dragging your self esteem down badly.