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Old 08-20-2007, 11:33 AM   #1
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Hellish situation concerning trust-desperate for advice

I’m writing here as this seems a serious forum about and I don’t want cheap replies as there seem to be at some of the relationship forums I’ve glanced at. I hope also that people might give me insight on the perspective of my partner. My wife thinks I've lied but I haven't and I need advice and hope I can let off some of steam.

A few days ago, my wife said she needed to talk about something serious. She said I knew what it was. I didn't. She then said it was something missing from her desk drawer. I have occasionally gone there as she keeps keys for part of the house there. Long ago I learnt that it isn't good to go prying anywhere and I don't. I do ẁhite' lies/minor lies (under the stress of everyday family life) but I draw the line a long long way away from this sort of thing. I have a certain morality (I confess I have claimed more from home insurance for a lost item but don’t such things with peers/fellow humans etc.). As she wouldn't tell me what it was (valuables I thought or past love letters!?!). I went to ask the kids if they'd taken anything (not something they've ever done - she thinks I did this as a charade and I hate it that she thinks I'm such a low-life to do that).

Anyway, a little later in the day, she told me that she'd been sent a copy of her aunt's will who'd died a few weeks back and it has gone missing. It was there on a Monday but by the Saturday it had gone. She was sure she'd put in the drawer, had taken it out once to read it and put it back. Sometime during that time she thinks I had found it (implying I look through her stuff regularly – there was no reason I would have expected her to have been sent the will as her brother is handling the paperwork), maybe wanted to copy it and not put it back by mistake. This was because, by chance, she had only realised it was missing on the Saturday because she had decided (unexpectedy for me she thinks as I was planning perhaps to put it back) to clean her room for the new music teaching term and decided to tidy her desk and this had caught me out! I said to her that if I had taken it and wanted to copy it (she was out on Friday night), I could have copied it in 2 seconds on my copier and would not have been so stupid not to put it back. But that cut no ice. She hadn't confronted me on the Sat. but left it to Mon. Hoping I would put it back or something and she thinks I was acting a bit strangely at several times. She has also lost the key to the desk and thinks that's me (she loses things fairly often whereas I'm a bit of an order freak). During the week when she had the document, she also thinks I was acting strange at times. We'd gone away biking for a couple of days and actaully, I was as happy as Larry most of it. Believe me, if I had felt annoyed about a will that I had disovered that she'd concealed a will from me, I would do more likely do a male a low-level sulk.

At this point, several days on, my wife thinks I’ve dug myself into a hole and can’t admit I took it, so when she is actaully looking for it, she is not looking, I reckon, in any great hope. She also thinks that I won’t attempt to secrete it somewhere in her stuff (as if she’d mislaid it) as she would know if she then found it, if it was in a possible place she had left it in. Maybe she thinks I’ve destroyed it.

I don’t think anyone else could have taken it as it was just a piece of paper in a velum envelope. My kids, 11 and 15 could not have and it would be worth nothing to anyone anyway. It was just a copy anyway but it’s what she thinks I’ve done that hurts her so deep.

Later that week, a pretty handkerchief of the aunt’s went missing while ironing and she thought I taken it to **** up her mind. She went berserk, and said I was a total nut and needed help. Five minutes later it turned up under a towel. She apologised realising she’d done it, but as it had turned up straight away, this had no parallel to the missing will (for which she has searched for may hours – and she obviously thinks that I’m prepared to let her waste her time searching seeing that she thinks I took it – her estimation of me is going down and down).

At times, I’ve got very angry. She is not now saying much about it, but I have to keep on bringing it up as it’s unbearable thinking that she’ll have this diminished view of me – unfortunately the more I go on, the more she thinks I’m in denial and starting to believe my own fabricated story. I suppose from her side this is credible. I know even if she finds it, it might not be in a place that she thinks she could have put it, and in the hopeful situation that she does find it and remembers she could have put it there, it won’t end there for me. I feel as if I have been put through hell and would find it hard to forgive for this.

The will...... I am a bit of a money worrier I won't deny that, and don't spend freely everywhere. Oddly, 30 years ago, when my Dad died (I was 26 and not very good at expressing my feelings by crying – I was a silent griever), my sister (a tough cookie but basically a good person) accused me of hanging around just to see if there was any money due. She doesn't remember now ever saying that but I know how I felt and I never forgot it. I had discussed the aunt's house and possessions with my wife a few weeks back I was careful not to appear to concerned as my wife suspects I’m overinterested in money. I knew there was the house (not worth a lot) and didn’t expect anything else. I was not very interested in the subject at all and it was not my business. It sounded as if it was going to go 3 ways roughly between my wife and her two brothers. If we got some money, then it would be nice (even if someone doesn’t like profitting by a loved persons death – she was a good person). I had assumed it would actually go the aunt’s only relation, her brother (my wife’s dad – again a great guy who has been really generous with us). The family are all good, not money hunters and I hate the thought that they’ll hear this story about me. I think my wife mainly suspects that I was thinking she was keep the money herself (almost everything we own including savings we share equally).

The distrust issue. We were talking about trust about 5+ years ago, and I had declared that I would not lie to her about anything really important. I was at least being truthful that I could lie about little things). In a heated moment, she said that 20 years ago (from now), she had come home early from work (this gets ridiculous here but stay with me) and heard me having sex with a guy she knew! I’ve not engaged in homosexual sex and am not ****- or bisexual as far as I know. This was weird. This guy we used to see as part of group who did `co-counselling’ where you listen to each others problems, experiences, whatever. In brief (as it’s hard to describe), it’s not a culty thing, and I was at a stage in my life where I needed to open up my feelings. Counselling both ways with other `equals’ rather than professionals is a good idea in principle. One is encouraged to allow the person being counselled to allow all their feelings to come out. Laugh, cry, scream, sing, whatever. The guy was the leader of the group and very good at letting his feelings out. Whatever she heard, it was not us having sex! She then went to play the piano (!), heard the guy leave a bit later (she says she was not bothered if it had happened anyway but I should not lie that it had never happened). I didn’t counsel often at the time, was drifting away from it a bit ((it’s hard work!), and I don’t think I saw him after that. My wife’s accusation was bizarre. Every so often I bring her accusation up as I’m so annoyed that she thinks I lie. I said to my wife that if it had happenned then I’d wiped my brain of it (but this only got me deeper in **** as she saw this as a flimsy get out clause)

To cut things short, I decided to contact him by email (when the will thing happened) as I was desperate to prove my basic honesty. I described the accusation by my wife and said all I needed was an honest reply. I said that my knowledge was that it hadn’t happened, but had if I `wiped’ it from my brain, I needed to know. I wrote the email as objectively as possible. He replied, laughingly, that I could assure myself it had not happened. I thought this would cut some ice with my wife that if I was telling the truth here that it would help with the missing will. But no, she thinks I could have manipulated the emails!

What sort of person is my wife? She's not mad, though I'd say she temporarily goes `mad' especially with a drink or two, if we have a dispute. She is nearing the menopause. She's a very honest and good person, loves her kids, gives me I feel a harder time than I deserve at times, criticising me for things I do which I think she does herself (except when she does it, it's for a good reason!).At times, I feel she drives me mad but she can be very loving. I want to stay with her as I do love her. I trust her (perhaps I didn't so much in the past, but these days I do totally). Things recently have been relatively good, and she’s been talking, during our holidays about places she’d like to go to with me when the kids have left home so it can’t be that bad.

Remember though that whereas you assume/know I’m telling the truth here (unless I'm a total psycho!), my wife does not, so judge her actions with care. She only has her feelings to go on and knowledge of me. I can at times be selfish, short-tempered, intransigent - I do worry about money. This document is lost and if I was her in her situation, I'd maybe think the same thing - it is odd, very odd it's lost. I think she has misplaced it as it’s worth nothing to anyone else. I don't think she's mentally disturbed at all and she's great with everyone else anyway (at least those who are decent people).

That’s basically it. Life is hell write now and I’m trapped. This thing happens in films, not for real. Any constructive advice will be appreciated.

Last edited by Administrator; 08-20-2007 at 02:31 PM.

 
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Old 08-20-2007, 12:49 PM   #2
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Re: Hellish situation concerning trust-desperate for advice

Well, I'm assuming that everything you say is the truth so bare with me if make a hasty judgement here dexer. What I have learned in the past (and most especially my previous marriage) is the ones who tend to make accusations are the ones who are trying to hide something.

What would you want with a copy of the will? Why does your wife think you want it so badly? I'm guessing you stands to inherit more than she is willing to let you in on. There is something in there she doesn't want you to know.

The whole thing with her aunts scarf and her flipping out when it was under the towel proves that she is a little absent minded to where she puts things. I am willing to bet she misplaced the will in an attempt to hide it from you and is freaking out because she is affraid you are going to see what she doesn't want you to see.

Maybe I'm a little cynical, but she seems to keep things private. That is all well and good, we all need a little privacy, but you paint a rather obsessive picture about her and her privacy. Honestly, it makes me wonder what she is keeping from you. People who act like they have things to hide usually do. Especially where she accused you of having sex with another man, well, that's just odd. Are you sure you know her as well as you think you do? I don't know, something just seems off about the whole situation in my opinion.

Last edited by Administrator; 08-20-2007 at 02:27 PM.

 
Old 08-20-2007, 12:54 PM   #3
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Re: Hellish situation concerning trust-desperate for advice

Wow... this is quite the situation!

I can understand why you would feel hurt with this accusation against you, especially when it is something so... strange. Even if you are concerned with money, what would you have to gain by taking this will, copying it, and then hiding it from her (or destroying it)? Her sister could simply send her another copy - and what does she expect you'd do with this information? Sue her over what she gets from her deceased aunt's will, when you share things equally anyway?! I mean, honestly?

She's acting very strangely, and it has to hurt feeling like she has such a low opinion of you and your honesty. :\ All of us have little white lies but this pretty ridiculous.

My question to her would be why she didn't tell you about this copy of the will in the first place? Has she told you why she was keeping it a secret? That seems very odd in itself. It's one thing if she said "hey this is my aunt and I really think the inheritance should be mine to what I will with it..." - but as your wife of so many years she SHOULD be comfortable saying this. Even if she's not, there's a question of HER honesty in this marriage - could she feel guilty on some level? I really don't know. But I would certainly want to know why she felt like hiding the will in the first place...

As for the whole homosexual affair in her mind - that is downright bizaare. Honestly. I almost think counceling wouldn't be a terrible thing for you two. There's a line here between trust issues and some paranoia (imo). That accusation is very weird. Even if it did sound that way why bring it up now?!

I wish I had more advice for you - but getting a mediator to settle these disputes may not be a bad idea. She's getting so very interesting ideas in that head of hers, and frankly taking them a little too far. You're her husband... why does she view you so poorly right now?

 
Old 08-20-2007, 12:57 PM   #4
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Re: Hellish situation concerning trust-desperate for advice

Her reaction really makes no sense. At the most basic - why would you take it? It's a copy. She's not the estate administrator. Whatever is set out in the Will is going to happen one way or the other. You allegedly taking it and hiding/destroying it has no actually real effect on anything. Does she think you took it and hid/destroyed it just to be petty? And if so, why would she think such a thing? It seems like she thinks you have some interest in doing random things just for the sake of making her like difficult (although, like I said, the missing copy of the will doesn't affect anything). It's all very odd.

It seems to me like she's just picking a fight over nothing. So the copy of the will went missing. What's the big issue? IMHO, a "normal" reaction would be to look for it and if she can't find it, ask someone to send her a new copy. END OF PROBLEM. Why assume that you've "done" something to her for absolutely no reason? Why lash out at you like this? Instead of asking you to help her with a problem (missing will), she's decided that you are the problem.

I really can't explain or understand why she would get so angry and jump to the conclusion that it's missing because you took it. I also can't understand why she was hiding the will in the first place. It all seems very hostile. She hides it and then accuses you of stealing it. The reality is that the estate adminstrator will do whatever the will calls for regardless of whether she hides it from you, whether she loses her copy of the will, whether you hide her copy ... It really seems much ado about nothing.

Your wife seems out to prove at every turn that you're out to wrong her. It's as if she really is bent of the idea of accusing you of doing "wrong" things. Accusing you of hiding a copy of a will that she's kept hidden from you is about as rational as accussing you of having a homosexual affair. It seems like she levels totally baseless charges against you and then the dynamic between the two of you is that you're guilty until you can somehow prove to her (a very biased jury) that you're innocent. I don't mean to be trite, but even little school children know that is unjust.

Perhaps the best thing to do would be for you and your wife to see a counsellor together to sort out why the dynamic between you is so hostile and accusatory? I can't for the life of me understand why she would be accusing you of these irrational things.

If I were you, I'd stop trying to prove to her that you're innocent of her charges against you. I'd simply tell her that you did not take the copy of the will. I'd tell her that you're sorry it's missing and that she's upset and you'd like to help her but that you will simply not continue to listen to the baseless accusation that you've taken it. I also wouldn't bother coming up with alternate explanations as to what happened to the will. It serves no purpose as she is keen on simply believing you took it. I'd leave it at: I've never seen it, I didn't take it. If it's important to have a copy of it, ask someone to send you another. Let me know when you'd like to discuss why you didn't tell me about the will and why you've accused me of these things, preferably with a marriage counsellor.

Last edited by amy2705; 08-20-2007 at 01:03 PM.

 
Old 08-20-2007, 01:13 PM   #5
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Re: Hellish situation concerning trust-desperate for advice

Be careful. It sounds like she may be developing early alzheimer's. She is misplacing things herself and blaming you, when in fact she is forgetting where she puts stuff. She may want to get evaluated by a neurologist, just in case. Does alzheimer's run in her family?

 
Old 08-20-2007, 01:20 PM   #6
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Re: Hellish situation concerning trust-desperate for advice

If the will was written by a lawyer, then he should also have a copy. THAT alone should solve some of your problems, at least until she finds where she misplaced it.

Mileena

 
Old 08-20-2007, 10:31 PM   #7
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Re: Hellish situation concerning trust-desperate for advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kszan View Post
Be careful. It sounds like she may be developing early alzheimer's. She is misplacing things herself and blaming you, when in fact she is forgetting where she puts stuff. She may want to get evaluated by a neurologist, just in case. Does alzheimer's run in her family?
This was my first thought too, because my grandmother was just this way for years, and it turned out to be dementia. We were all accused at some point of something. She was into her late 60s at the time, but you can be a lot younger and have this.

 
Old 08-21-2007, 11:50 AM   #8
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Re: Hellish situation concerning trust-desperate for advice

Alzheimer's? no, it can't be, she's under 50 (yes I know there is early-onset) and she's always misplaced things as she puts them down without thinking of it. She's not losing anything more often than she has before.

 
Old 08-21-2007, 12:00 PM   #9
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Re: Hellish situation concerning trust-desperate for advice

Yes, it's odd, really odd, but the aunt hasn't got much I'm sure -just a house that's a little run down. We've always shared everything (finances). She's not a spender, concerned about money and is more concerned with her children and music teaching. Her family are as honest as you can get,live simply. It will be shared between her and her 2 brothers who I'd trust completely also (and don't think I'm a naive person).
We've been getting on OK and she talks of what we can do the house when the kids leave, or holidays we'll go on. She has no problems in her relationships with other people. She does have a hair-trigger temper no helped by her possibly peri-menopausal status......

 
Old 08-21-2007, 12:10 PM   #10
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Re: Hellish situation concerning trust-desperate for advice

In reply to amy2705 - your analysis and advice sounds appropriate. I should add that she appreciates that it's only a capy and to her it's my taking it (and that I apparently search her belongings) that upset her. It's her distrusting opinion of me that hurts so much (that and that I can also do nothing unless in a miracle it turns up). Things have improved (she says) now that I'm not constantly bringing the issue up (but I'm not happy with this diminished view of me that she now has).

 
Old 08-24-2007, 03:11 AM   #11
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Re: Hellish situation concerning trust-desperate for advice

My wife has now found for some reason whe can't empty her recycle bin on the PC (though I and my 2 boys can) so she suspects me. I'm beginning to also.......

Tried looking at PC help sites but they all seem to suggest technical reasons for such a problem but she isn't impressed

 
Old 08-24-2007, 05:08 AM   #12
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Re: Hellish situation concerning trust-desperate for advice

Dexter, if I were you, at this point I'd be so ****** off I'd be suggesting to her that she might benefit from therapy for her paranoia! Maybe you ought to point out to her that she has known you for twenty years and that if she dosent know your mind by this stage it's her own judgement she cannot trust.

That business about the supposed sex session with your male friend was just too much! What planet is she on that she could keep something like that to herself for twenty years!! I'm sorry and I dont want to insult your wife, but I honestly dont think that's something any right-thinking person could keep to themselves for twenty seconds! - I know I couldnt!!

Maybe she has fabricated this in her mind just lately? Have you considered that? It seems more likely than her having kept quiet about it for twenty years. I'm sorry Dexter, but something seems very wrong here. She is not behaving normally, from what you have described. Maybe you should have a private word with your GP?

 
Old 08-24-2007, 05:22 AM   #13
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Re: Hellish situation concerning trust-desperate for advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by dexer View Post
My wife has now found for some reason whe can't empty her recycle bin on the PC (though I and my 2 boys can) so she suspects me.
What does your wife need to empty so badly that she suspects you of doing? I don't know OP, either your wife is losing her mind or she is hiding something. Whatever the case, something doesn't add up here. You really need to start asking some questions.

Remember, people who are paranoid and accussing are usually trying to devert the attention off of themselves.

 
Old 08-24-2007, 06:12 AM   #14
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Re: Hellish situation concerning trust-desperate for advice

laylah and happymom28. If she's acting strange them it's only just to me. I think she's always thought I was a bit possessive in the past and maybe I was. She always said I ought to trust her more. I was a bit insecure but I think I made good efforts to improve myself in that way. Life's to short and we had great kids and a decent relationship that was not worth spoiling by such things.

This sounds odd as I'm now the one distrusted. Anyway, I don't have any thoughts about her cheating on me (we both work at home and have kids and she'd have to pretty good at hiding it) or anything financial. You might think I'm naive but it doesn't add up that way (anyway we both work at home and it would be really hard to hide such deceptions). I just think she's developed a really big distrust of me that's not psychopathic but seriously bad.

AT the centre of this is this missing document which she knew was important if only a copy but has gone, when no-one else can be suspected. In her mind she could not have mislaid it in the few days it was there and she has decided to believe it's much more likely I've taken it even if there is not good reason for me knowing of its existence, or me getting any value out of removing it.

I've suggested counselling as a start but no take up yet. Ho hum. It's a sunny day today and I'm taking my boy out for an hour or two.

 
Old 08-24-2007, 07:39 AM   #15
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Re: Hellish situation concerning trust-desperate for advice

Hi Dexer,

If I were you, I'd be getting quite annoyed by this point! There's nothing I hate more than being accused of something I didn't do and not being trusted. In your position, I would tell your wife that you need to have a "serious talk" - sit her down and, calmly, state that you've been very hurt by her accusations and lack of trust in you and that you absolutely didn't take this copy that she's accusing you of (along with all the other accusations). Tell her that trust is vital in a marriage and that, without it, what sort of a relationship can you have?

It seems like she's in charge of this situation and you're just letting it all happen (I'm not saying you aren't trying though). You need to be more assertive and make it absolutely clear to her that this isn't YOUR problem anymore, it's hers because as far as you're concerned you've been totally straight with her so it's down to her to make a choice between accepting your answers, or continuing to think you're some kind of liar. If she chooses the latter, I'm not sure what sort of future that gives your relationship, because I know I couldn't be with someone who didn't trust me and thought I was lying to them...

 
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