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Old 08-28-2007, 09:29 AM   #1
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Honest opinion...Am I being overly sensitive over this???

Hi everyone. Here's a warning, this may be long because I really need to vent my frustrations. Thanks in advance for reading.

For once I am happy to say I am not posting about my sister. My latest thread is my husband. For those of you who don't know, my husband started a new job in the beginning of July. He has always been a bit of a workaholic since we met but it never really bothered me because I had my oldest daughter and my work and social life. He did tone down work a bit and took his days off and spent them with us until this new job. In his defense, we did talk about how this new job would put him in a postion where he would be working more, especially in the first few months, until he gets everything up and running. Fair enough. With him working like this now it put us in a financial situation where I don't have to work and I am with the kids 24/7.

This upcoming weekend is labor day weekend which (as many of you know) is the "unofficial" end of the summer. School starts a week from today for my oldest and my in-laws have asked that we come spend the weekend with them at their camp. My husband and I discussed this at length and he has to work a better part of the weekend, which I do understand. I told him (and his mother) that I am willing to come up Saturday morning with the kids and spend the night, but I was coming home on Sunday because I want my oldest in bed on time so she has an adjustment day before school starts.

Well, my husband comes home from work on Sunday just in time for dinner. We sit down and he decides to tell our oldest about how she is going camping this upcoming weekend! Some of you may say what is the big deal and normally I would agree. But she is the kind of kid who gets VERY excited about camping and seeing her grandparents and so her knowing this far in advance results in me hearing about it 20 times a day for the next week. So I make this face at him like "I can't believe you told her" and he gets all upset, gets up from the dinner table, and takes his keys and walks out the door! I'm left at the dinner table with a 1 year old who is now screaming because daddy left (she does this whenever he leaves) and a 6 year old asking why he left and I'm sitting there annoyed and confused.

So I go about dinner with the kids, pick up everything except for his half eaten plate and run the girls bath. My husband comes home about twenty minutes later (he went to the store) as I'm turning the bath water off. He says to me "I don't appreciate you criticizing how I talk to my children" to which I said "I don't appreciate you walking out on the one dinner a week you get with your family" and proceeded to give the baby a bath. He said "let me finish eating and I will help you" but I ignored him because I didn't want to argue in front of the kids. We did start talking again but I wasn't all that friendly about it.

We put the kids to bed at the normal bedtime that night and we started talking. He says to me how he doesn't understand why I had such an attitude when he got home from work that night. I admit, I did have an attitude, but so would anyone else who listened to a 1 year old scream at the top of her lungs for the simple fact it's fun to do and a 6 year old whine she is hungry but she is not going to eat if I put broccoli on her plate. I always have understanding about the stresses of his job but he certainly doesn't seem to be reciprocated, especially when he can't understand how stressed I am coupled with the fact he walked out during dinner which just made it worse! We talked that out and he appologized for leaving the way he did and told me he just didn't want to argue with me so he left to cool off. He then mentioned how he would come up to camp this Sunday after work and we can spend time together there. I was like "I told you we were coming home Sunday because I need (our oldest) to go to bed on time because she starts school Tuesday and I don't want her off her schedule". He acts like I'm some horrible person for not wanting to stay there but then he says he understands. Besides, he is getting a free night Saturday night to do as he pleases while my job is even harder being with his mother (who loves to spoil the kids and he is the usual buffer to this).

Are you all still with me?

So yesterday my husband works later than scheduled which tends to be typical for Monday. He comes home around 8:30 and I am drained. I asked him when he talks to his female friend (we'll call her Stacy) to ask her how to dress for her husband's upcoming surprise birthday party. He says to me "well why don't you just call her and ask?". Like I don't have enough to do by securing the babysitter for overnight and everything else that it takes to run the house now he thinks I can actually have an uninterupted phone call when he talks to her at least twice a week. "Okay" I say and leave it at that annoyed at the fact that he just can't ask one simple question. He then asks me "what time is the party?" and I tell him "we need to be there by 5:45 and they are showing up around 6:30.". I then proceed to tell him "I was thinking we can drop the girls off around 1:00 or so and drive down and maybe do a little something in the area until we have to be at the party". I figured since he said a week ago he was telling his boss he was "taking the day" that meant he would have the day off. Boy was I wrong. He says to me "Oh, I was planning on working until 3:00. That should give us enough time to get there". Keep in mind the party is in Connecticut and about a 2 1/2 hour drive from us and we have never been there before and I have no idea about the traffic for the ride. I said this to him. We squabbled a little about the fact that he was working again (did I mention the day of my brother's wedding last month he also worked until 2:00 leaving me to get two children and myself ready?) and in the end I asked him to leave work earlier. I'm still not sure on the time he plans on getting out.

So, now that you read all of that, am I being overly sensitive here? Honestly, I have tried to be the understanding and supportive wife about his new job. I have been the stay at home mom and doing everything that needs to be done. It has been a long summer and my oldest has tested my patience every step of the way. I am drained, I am feeling a little unappreciated, and generally, I am just feeling like I'm a machine going through the motions. Is this something that will get better once school starts? Am I wrong in wanting my husband to take that day off so we can spend some quality time together? I mean, once we get to the party it's not like we'll be together because we don't get to see these friends that often so we'll be mingling around. We are planning a trip to go away the beginning of November for our anniversary and I am now beginning to wonder if I should even look forward to it because what if he "has to work"?

It should be said that I am not use to being a stay at home mom. Before I met my husband I worked full-time and took care of my daughter. This whole being home all the time thing is new to me. All of my friends with kids work. It's not that I don't like it, but it's like I feel like I'm not fulfilled or something. I brought up working to my husband last night as a hypothetical (we agreed when he took this job that I would stay home until the baby was in school) and asked what kind of hours and money would I need to make it worth while. He said that he would talk about it with me if when my oldest goes back to school and I'm still stressed and not happy.

Thank you for reading this. I know it was long and I am so sorry. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

 
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Old 08-28-2007, 10:38 AM   #2
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walkabout HB User
Re: Honest opinion...Am I being overly sensitive over this???

Happymon huh?LOL. Sorry, I know how you feel. I used to have my own business for 22 years and when I married my husband and had children, he too told me that I don't have to work. I thought what would I do. Yes, there are the kids to take care of, but I am very active. I need stimulation!!! Productivity!!! Adult conversation, not just Sesame Street and lullaby's.

Your new at this stay at home thing and it does take time to adjust. Being an at home mom is alot of work and alot of stess. I know that I felt that I was the only one in the relationship at times, because my husband was gone working all day and when he comes home, he would like to wind down for the evening. Meanwhile my clock is still ticking doing the same ole thing on my own in the same ole household. VERY FRUSTRATING!!!

Some people I think (women mostly) just can't adjust to be at home 24/7. I have a job now, where I have the summers off while the kids are home and work while they are in school. And believe me, I am ready for Tuesday!! I know that you have a 1 year old and there is no real time for yourself, but maybe things will get better once your 6 year old goes to school. Is there something that you could get involved with or without your 1 yr. old a couple times a week? You need a break to take a moment for yourself to get your sanity back in order. Also, you and your husband should try to find maybe 2 nights a month where you can go out together and reclaim your relationship as lovers, friends and parents. Keep the spark.

Keep in mind that your husband has just started this new job and he is probably trying every effort to make a great impression. Once things have settled down, maybe another month or 2, hopefully things will change for the both of you. Fortunately for you, it sounds like your husband is willing to communicate with you. Never lose that. Vent here on this website! Hopefully that can help some before you explode. Were just a bunch of strangers anyway. LOL.

Best wishes to you and have a great Holiday weekend. Which by the way, yes, you need to chill on the schedule for your child at least this time. Everyone is probably hoping for the same thing this weekend for their kids too, but lets face it, it's the end of Summer! Lighten up a bit. I mean that in a good way. Relax and enjoy.

 
Old 08-28-2007, 11:03 AM   #3
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happymom28 HB User
Re: Honest opinion...Am I being overly sensitive over this???

Thank you walkabout! I really appreciate your response.

The fact that my husband and I talk about everything is a great thing. I don't know if he always "hears" what I am saying in it's entirety, but at least we do communicate.

I really thought I would enjoy being home with the kids and taking care of the house, especially since I always felt so rushed to do it all when I was working. But now I find myself missing adult conversations and wearing work clothes and being able to drive in the car without hearing "turn up this song" or "can we listen to my Hannah Montana cd". Sometimes I would like to listen to my talk radio, lol.

I'm hoping it will get better. And yes, I do know my husband is trying to make a good impression and he is frustrated because he postoned starting his own business to use this experience on his list of credentials and basicly to prove to himself that he can do it. I actually just got a phone call from him saying that he may in fact just right into doing his business like he planned because he is literally working his butt off for less than he was suppose to make (somehow they calculate the % differently).

We do try to have our time together which is a good thing. We have at least an hour together every night and we try to have a "date night" once a month. We both know the importance of having a strong marriage.

I was beginning to feel like I was going crazy or something. Thanks again!

 
Old 08-28-2007, 11:14 AM   #4
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walkabout HB User
Re: Honest opinion...Am I being overly sensitive over this???

Your welcome! Remember, we are just a computer away!

 
Old 08-28-2007, 11:22 AM   #5
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Re: Honest opinion...Am I being overly sensitive over this???

I too had to laugh at some of this because this is all too familiar to me. My husband works at night and I work during the day..so we barely see each other and when the kids are not in school they are with me..so I for the most part I feel like a single mother which is very frustrating. Even when my hsuband is home during the weekends, he is tired for the most part and I'm stuck once again with the kids and doing everything else around the house. In fact this past weekend..I thought I was going to blow a casket. Between my husband not doing much to help me and the kids driving me crazy..I felt like just getting up and packing my bags. haha

So no... Happy you are not being over sensitive. There are so many women who feel the way you do. So venting is always a good start! However, I wouldn't mind being a stay at home mom. I've worked all of my life and I could use a break..trust me! I don't know if I would like being at home all day..but I wouldn't mind trying.

Anyway...things should get better soon once your husband settles into his new job. Yes he should be a little more understanding of your feelings and perhaps help you out as much as possbile and stop this attitude of his which seems to be the norm with most men. They call it nagging, but we are simply reminding them of their duties and they have the nerve to get an attitude with us.

I know it is rough, but try to be patient a bit and express all of this to your hubby again when he is in a better mood and who knows...he may try harder next time and be a bit more understanding. I'm sure you will have a lovely time this weekend. Just try to focus on the positive and positive things will happen.

Good luck..keep us posted!
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Last edited by ncyky; 08-28-2007 at 11:23 AM.

 
Old 08-28-2007, 11:51 AM   #6
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Re: Honest opinion...Am I being overly sensitive over this???

I am right there with you Happymom! My son is 9 months and I quit a great job to be home with my son. I loved my job but it was demanding and time consuming and it wouldn't be fair to my son. I love my son to pieces, but I miss my job very much. The adult conversation, my office, lunch with co-workers, and just the commute and being able to listen to the radio. Being at home is SO HARD. I wish the Healthboards had a thread for stay at home moms and all the stuff we struggle with.

Honestly, you are feeling neglected and you need a break as well. I think the issue here is that you don't feel appreciated in what you do and you are overwhelmed. I cried for several months after I left my job because I felt so lonely. I joined a MOMS Club in my area and it has helped a lot. Do you have anything like that in your area? They have a web site, just do a search for "International Moms Club" for a local chapter. I have met other moms in my same situation - and many have it even worse b/c their husbands travel and are never home.

I think you need to communicate with your husband how you need a break and also time with him. You need a moms night out once a month (I do that with my club and it is fun!). You need to do some things for yourself b/c it is so easy to loose your identity when you become a stay at home mom. I took some cake decorating classes (something I always wanted to do) and I even picked up an after-school babysitting job 2 days a week for two older children.

I hope this helps some. I don't think you are being too sensitive. You are a person with needs - and you deserve a husband who is around to fulfill those needs.

Last edited by KeltoKel; 08-28-2007 at 11:54 AM.

 
Old 08-28-2007, 04:09 PM   #7
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happymom28 HB User
Re: Honest opinion...Am I being overly sensitive over this???

Quote:
Originally Posted by ncyky
So no... Happy you are not being over sensitive. There are so many women who feel the way you do. So venting is always a good start! However, I wouldn't mind being a stay at home mom. I've worked all of my life and I could use a break..trust me! I don't know if I would like being at home all day..but I wouldn't mind trying.
I thought that I would love being a stay at home mom considering how many hours I had to work to make ends meet when my oldest daughter was younger. Her father (my ex-husband) was always in between jobs and never did any of the house work even if he was home so I was so use to doing it all. I thought this would be a welcome break, and I am definately overwhelmed by it all.

Don't get me wrong, I love my children and I wouldn't trade them for the most successful career in the world. It's just sometimes I would like to be a woman rather than just mommy, you know what I mean? My goodness, I feel like such a jerk for even typing that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ncyky
I know it is rough, but try to be patient a bit and express all of this to your hubby again when he is in a better mood and who knows...he may try harder next time and be a bit more understanding. I'm sure you will have a lovely time this weekend. Just try to focus on the positive and positive things will happen.
I am trying to be patient and I know it will get a little easier when my daughter is back in school. I know she is bored and misses the structure. I am going to bring this all up to my husband again after our weekend in Connecticut (which is just another week away). I think once our life starts to settle back into it's routine and we have a chance to have some alone time it will be a lot easier to discuss these things with him. Thank you for all your kind words. I really appreciate it.

 
Old 08-28-2007, 04:18 PM   #8
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Re: Honest opinion...Am I being overly sensitive over this???

Quote:
Originally Posted by KeltoKel View Post
I loved my job but it was demanding and time consuming and it wouldn't be fair to my son. I love my son to pieces, but I miss my job very much. The adult conversation, my office, lunch with co-workers, and just the commute and being able to listen to the radio. Being at home is SO HARD. I wish the Healthboards had a thread for stay at home moms and all the stuff we struggle with.
I couldn't agree more! I left a great job as well. I only traveled around New England once every other month for a week or so, but I loved what I did and really miss it. I know with two children it would be impossible to go back to that job unless my husband did go into his business from home, but who knows what the future may bring.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KeltoKel
Honestly, you are feeling neglected and you need a break as well. I think the issue here is that you don't feel appreciated in what you do and you are overwhelmed.
I do agree with this even though I hate to admit it. I know I am lucky to have what I have but sometimes I do wish he didn't have to be gone 6 or 7 days a week. I know he has to be at work to make money so I guess it is the nature of the beast. I am overwhelmed, but I really have quite a tight ship running here. If I didn't I would go out of mind.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KeltoKel
I think you need to communicate with your husband how you need a break and also time with him. You need a moms night out once a month (I do that with my club and it is fun!). You need to do some things for yourself b/c it is so easy to loose your identity when you become a stay at home mom.
I have been communicating this with him. As a matter of fact I am suppose to be meeting up with an old friend Sunday night since I haven't seen since high school (12 years ago!) to catch up. This was my stipulation for taking the girls to camp. He always encourages me to go out, but the problem is I am never sure when he is going to home since he tends to get last minute clients so by the time he does get home I am too tired to go out and do anything. I can attest to losing your identity too. I have been making a point to dress nicely and put on makeup instead of just staying in comfortable clothes with my hair pulled back. That has helped my mood a lot.

Thanks a lot for all of your advice. I will look into these mom groups. That sounds like a great idea. You have been a great help!

 
Old 08-29-2007, 02:42 AM   #9
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summer1979 HB User
Re: Honest opinion...Am I being overly sensitive over this???

Your being sensitive about this matter??? Of course not! You deserve to express how you feel especially when we mothers feel so stressed, and fed up.

I'm in your shoes too... just much worse than yours because my husband is working out of the country (U.S.A) Im the one who left behind to do the household chores... name it... as in all. My kids are 10...5...4 years of age and mind you they scream, fight, do tantrums each and everyday. I loose a lot of pounds... felt drained... stressed... fed up... I had to sacrifice my work as well because my husband don't want me to work anymore and take care of the kids only 24/7.

It is good thing thou that you got an open communication with your husband. That helps alot. Be patient and I hope everything will be okay and back to normal again. Give time to yourself atleast once or twice a month. A good massage can boost your energy again or a trip to your fav salon. Stay pretty and be HAPPY.

By the way... my husband will be here this coming September and I'm happy and excited to see him again for his 1 month vacation only. So I will just enjoy every moment that we and my family will spend together.

God Blessed you!
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Old 08-30-2007, 07:35 AM   #10
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Re: Honest opinion...Am I being overly sensitive over this???

To my surprise my husband actually took his day off yesterday. He wanted to takes us all to the beach since it would be our last chance before school starts.

So I'm making the lunches to bring with us and he is playing a video game (something he doesn't get to do too often) when the baby wakes up from her nap. I get her up and put her in her chair to feed her some strawberries that I am in the process of cutting up when my husband calls from the other room and asks me to make him a bagel. Now, he can see what I am doing and knows full well that I am trying to get everything ready to go while he is relaxing so this just annoys me to no end. So this is the conversation (roughly):

Me: (in a ****** off tone) Yeah, I'll make you a bagel.
Him: What's the matter? Why are you giving me such an attitude?
Me: Well, you can see that I am making the lunches, trying to feed the baby, and packing all the beach stuff and you ask me to make you a bagel while you are sitting on your butt playing a video game. Do you think this could be the reason why I feel unappreciated?
Him: Forget it. I will make it myself.
Me: I am already in the process of doing it so don't worry about it. That is what I was put on this earth to do, wait on everybody hand and foot without so much as a thank you.
Him: You know, I don't get that many days off. I'm sorry if I was trying to relax before we go to the beach.
Me: Well, I don't get any days off and I am doing all of the work to get us all ready to go to the beach. When is my day off?

Needless to say this wasn't the best way to start the day and I was irritated (to say the least) for a little while after the fact because he just really didn't see I was upset when I could have just said no to the bagel. The bagel was not the point, it was the fact that I was doing three other things and he was only playing a video game and he could have done it himself without asking. I know I was snippy and attitudey, but come on! I can't do it all and I am tired of feeling like I have no other purpose in my life. By the time we got to the beach I was over it and all was forgiven.

We had a nice time, but on the way home he got a call from a client and he had to go into the office for a little while. So, it wasn't exactly a day off after all but he made money on a deal (which makes him happy) and we got to spend some quality family time together (which makes the rest of us happy) so I guess everybody won.

Last edited by happymom28; 08-30-2007 at 07:36 AM.

 
Old 08-30-2007, 11:57 AM   #11
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walkabout HB User
Re: Honest opinion...Am I being overly sensitive over this???

Hi Happy,
Your'e day sounds like the average household. Men are a whole different breed from women. Maybe you could have said to your husband..."sure, I can make you a bagle, if you could get the beach bags packed with towels, toys etc... Oh, and honey, when your done with that, could you just pack all that stuff in the car?" Working together as a team works great!!!

I'm glad you were able to have a good family day in the end. Being upset and carrying it through out the day would have not been enjoyable for the kids. They would have picked up on it. Not to mention your husband probably would have thought that he should have stayed working after all. Maybe you can talk to your husband about your feelings when your both not under so much pressure and your alone. Tell him what you need from him and be sure to ask what he needs from you. It will work out. Your not alone.

 
Old 08-30-2007, 01:40 PM   #12
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happymom28 HB User
Re: Honest opinion...Am I being overly sensitive over this???

Quote:
Originally Posted by walkabout;3183***
Maybe you could have said to your husband..."sure, I can make you a bagle, if you could get the beach bags packed with towels, toys etc... Oh, and honey, when your done with that, could you just pack all that stuff in the car?" Working together as a team works great!!!
I did ask him to do one thing before he sat down to play the video game. All I asked him to do was get our beach chairs and umbrella and open them up to make sure there was nothing "nesting" in there since it literally has been two years since we used them. He forgot and did his thing. After our "exchange of words" he promptly checked the chairs and umbrella and packed the car without me even asking. I guess that was his way of showing appreciation. Well, either that or he just didn't want me to keep on going. lol

I know men are of a different breed. He always tells me just to speak whats on my mind because he is not a mind reader. He is very direct and to the point and expects the same from me. I think half my problem is I am use to doing it all and so I try to and then when I can't I get frustrated and expect him to pick up on it rather than me just tell him. The craziness of it all!

Thanks again for your kind words walkabout! I know it will all work out in the end because we both want the same thing.

 
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