I have been questioning this for two days now===i would love to hear others opinions on this as well. I have been living with my boyfriend/husband for 4 months now and we have a 2 1/2 month old daughter. I met him on line last summer and got pregnant only six weeks into our relationship. I had made up my mind to keep my daughter no matter what the relationship brought but things worked out and I love him more than I have ever loved any one in my life--the last 4 months of living together have been the happiest i have been in my 36 miserable years of living. I had thought the entire relationship was happy though.....it turns out before I moved in he was not just chatting with other women online but have extremely graphic cybersex chat and having them call him on the phone for phone sex....even 2 weeks before i moved in--he swears up and down he doesn't remember the one 2 weeks before i moved in and I trust my heart and beleive him...he has taken responsibility for what he did and to give him the benefit of the doubt since i have been here in his house there haven't been any more conversations/phone calls like that at all. He was willing to go into his ******* page (which is where we met) and delete every other woman on there who wasn't a real friend and deleted his many yahoo online contacts as well. I know he didn't physically sleep with anyone, but it still hurts like he did....in a way it feels worse, like i had to sit there and watch him do it. I am not leaving him......I love him to much and don't want a non-physical affair to end the most beautiful love i have ever had---his reasoning was that he has been burned by every other relationship he's ever had and felt that he wasn't going to be hurt this time so he wanted to have a "back up" or a "way out" in case i decided not to continue the relationship. Has anyone else been through this?? I believe I can heal from this---he's listened to me be sad, angry, depressed and has apologized and cried with me. Please give me some advice.....if this has happened to anyone else...
Based on having had no more phone calls, and him having cleared out his contacts etc. I think his reasoning sounds genuine. Ok, so it wasn't the best thing to do of course, but if he's really been messed around a lot before I can understand him wanting to keep his options open in the early days.
I'd say you should both move forwards from it and try not to be haunted by it - he's done the right thing from what you said and shown some very significant steps towards his relationship with you, and in cutting off those "back-ups".
I think the best thing you can do is keep being open with each other, about computer use etc. without going over the top about it, move forwards and grow stronger together with your child.
You say: "I am not leaving him......I love him to much and don't want a non-physical affair to end the most beautiful love i have ever had--- " .
So, stop worrying and stop spoiling it and making yourself sick !!
Loving someone actually means accepting who he is, forgiving his mischief and his flaws and understanding his ways and his reasoning, Oh! and actually believing him.
Love means having no negative feelings for him or negative thoughts. If this is the love you have or want to have then try acting in this way. I do not see why you shouldn't succeed. He apologized and cried and actually erazed his guilty contacts! Why can't you leave it at that rather than continuing stressing and imagining things??
Give him the space to prove he meant all he said. Stop feeling guilty because you met in the same way and actually clicked! Stop thinking that if he did fall in love once, with you, he may do it again. This is a truly negative thought. Banish it. Your relationship is rare, in my opinion. So cheriss this.
I am all in favor for giving people not just a second but many chances.There are no saints on this earth. We ALL have done things and need another chance. I am also into forgiveness which actually DOES WORK and does make the realtionship a lot more mature, honest and stronger.
Please believe me, I am a survivor of hardship that developped into a strong relationship after actively forgiving each other's faults. In my humble opinion this is what LOVE IS.
If you look at it like this, lots of people have flings, other relationships and even sex with other people before settling down with a normal life. Family, wife, kids, house, dog and white picket fence. True love is very very rare cherish what you have, enjoy your new baby and husband.
You say that you are not leaving him anyway so worrying is only going to hurt you and potential run him off. Like a fire if you throw gas on it and feed it, it will continue to grow. If you give it space and let air cirrculate it will spread on its own. But.... If you cover it up with dirt or pour water on it, the fire will smolder out and eventially all that is left is the ashes of what once was hot.
If you guys met on the computer, why not continue to communicate somewhat when away from each other through the computer. Its easier to express uninterrupted through words. Plus, you can build a hot desire for each other and a craving to see each other. Try not to get stuck in a rut, it is very easy to become consumed with a baby and let a love smolder and go out. Your relationship is as important to your baby as the relatioship she has with you. She will feed off of you. Your happy shes happy. If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
Thank you so far for the responses---i do have a very bad tendancy to dwell on things way way way too much......and don't want to be a paranoid, accusing wench. I used to be such a jealous person....which is the main reason my past relationships never worked out...could not bring myself to EVER trust anyone....this relationship was the first I have EVER allowed myself to fully trust...and I will continue to do so. I am a little worried about being physical with him....what if I can't stop thinking about what he said to those other women...i honestly thought i was the only one he wanted to do those things with....i know i am....NOW, but i thought i was the entire time and to be caught so completely off guard is totally humiliating. it's only been 3 days since i found out so i can't expect to be completely healed, i know it takes time. thanks for the support though....
Sounds like both of you come from some kind of strained back ground. Where love, trust and honesty is not your norm. With Your ref. to him having a "back up" and your comment on never trusting before. Try not to be jealous, it only kills you. Think of it this way.... Would you want a guy that no body else wanted ? Or....would you want an incrediablly hot well rounded guy that everybody wanted but cant have cause he is yours? Let those cyber chicks eat their heart out now, they were the ones played ,not you love. He comes home to you and his little girl and is very happy to do so. Let it be and enjoy your new family.
Its very easy to dwell on things. Let dead dogs lay. We all have a past, and we cant change it. Dont make today be a past memory you'll regret.
Oh man. Your in a sticky spot. I will say that if you guys did not share a child, marriage and home, I would be out of there in a heartbeat.
I realize you met on the internet and things happined quickly between you both with getting pregnet and so forth but I know from person experence that an online fling is just as bad as a real fling in real sociaty. I know the recentment never goes away.
But for your situation and because you want to stay with him and continue yout life together. I would have done exactly the same thing as you did ( in fact I did with my current bf who cheating on me online)...deleting every other woman and being more aware of what he is up to online. Trust now has to be rebuilt. And if he is sympathetic and willing to make a huge chance in cyber space for you, then go for it!
If he realizes how much this hurt you and is understanding, I hope you guys can move on and be happy. I wish the best for you!
I would be a lot more aware of him on the computer, check his history's...( I know this can be distructive, but if you want to continue with this guy, it has to be done, because he will do it if he wants to and he will try to hide it)...and question him every once in awhile as to his actvity on the computer.
Sorry if my emotions got in my way a little bit...Im trying not to talk about my relationship while trying to give my advice! ..
Hope it all works out!
Let me know how you handled it and how things turned out. I would love to knowk, since I am also trying to get over the same issue!
Got off topic a little bit...
Online affairs are just as bad. It may not be a physical thing but an emotional connection with someone else online is just as bad...I think its worse.
Because why would he be looking for something, emotional or physical online, arent you enough?!? The internet is a vast place now and can be scary. Be aware of what he is doing.