Hello to all who may read this. I have never done this before so I don't know what to expect if anything. I have had an anger issue for quite some time now which seems to be on and off. I'm a quiet shy type of person clean cut, well groomed but when mad I can get really mad and into rages of anger. I have tried to talk to someone when I was younger, I don't know if it helped me the way I thought it would. Talking openly helps for sure, but with no steps in how to control issues I think is the missing link. Recently I was in a relationship about five years...we have had our up and downs and our fights and arguements. We have been through alot despite all this. Recently we broke up and we got into a heated argument it was hard for me to leave thinking I may not see her or be with her again so this went on for some time. It resulted in me pushing her on a couch, we were both scared at the time in different reason. I was charged for assault, was in jail. I have house arrest and I can not go to work because we work together under court orders. I'm having a really hard time with all of this. I loved her alot, we've been through alot not something you can throw a book at and walk away, now I'm forced to do so. It's so hard, not being able to see her or speak to her and wake up next to her. To be able to apologize to her for whats happened, I'm truly sorry. I love you. I need to deal with this anger issue its hard to know where to start. It seems I've lost what meant the most to me already. I just thought talking about this might help me and if I learn anything from it.
It's refreshing that you can admit you have a problem and want to address it and fix it. That is a very positive first step.
I think the first thing you have to realize is that your ex may never forgive ou for what happened. I have been in her shoes (only a lot worse) and I'm sure it scared the hell out of her. The last thing she will be able to do is jump back in, especially if she doesn't see you doing something about your problem. You need accept responsibility for this and let this be a lesson to you every time you feel your anger.
The next thing you should do is find a therapist who specializes with anger issues. He/she can help you get to the source of your anger, becasue lets face it, it has to be coming from somewhere. Once you find the source you will be able to find steps to keep it at bay. Does that make sense? Don't just give up on seeking help with this issue. You just need to find the right person to help you with your problem.
I want to wish you luck. I certainly hope you are able to get your anger resolved and you are able to find ways to cope in the future. I know it wasn't easy to admit you had this problem, but you are the only one who can do something about it.
I'd like to thank you for your input, especially from someone who has been there. I appreciate that alot. It's a good question, Where does it come from? It's not an easy answer to find. It doesn't come from nowhere but it only shows during the heat of an argument....the more you feed me the bigger the fire gets. The big thing is to keep calm, which I try to do and can do to a point but you can only take so much at a time.
I first have to say I fully agree with Happymom.. Counciling is a great idea. Second, finding out the source that is creating all this anger.. This anger just didn't come about over night..
My son is 18.. I've been dealing with his anger issues for so long. My fear was that he would do exactly what you have done with your g/f. When he was younger I pushed him into therapy.. It was the hardest thing to do.. When a teenager doesn't want to go.. What they do is rebel.. They even hate you more. I had to do it.. Boy Iam glad I did.. It took yrs but it worked..
The most important thing to learn is knowing that feeling before you act out.. Even me being the mother I had to learn and notice the sparks of the fire. He now knows when ever he gets that feeling to either walk away.. excuse himself, take a run around the block etc.. Its alot of self control. I'll tell ya if my 18 yr old can control I have full hope for you.. He was so against it... He didn't think anything was wrong with him.. Until it got so bad he beat my walls, threw furniture, threatened me etc.. I had to call the police..
After my son going to therapy we have learned what was really bothering him was his father... He wanted so bad for his father to be part of his life.. Which he was in some way. He would go over his fathers every other Sat but dad would not spend time with him.. (to busy with new wife).. anyway.. The frustration just built up inside him.. He would flip out for reasons that someone else wouldn't.. I just find it amazing how past problems can affect people lives.. Maybe this is what happening to you.. Iam not saying it is.. you just never know..
Like happymom has said.. your girlfriend might not accept you back.. and the only thing you can do is learn from you mistakes.. One day you might be able to tell her your sorry.. I hope you are truly seeking help for yourself and not just to get her back..
I wish you the best of luck..
thank you, I understand I have to do this for myself but I also can't forget about her. In the meantime this will be done for me, I know it may never happen again between us but thats just how some things work. In the meantime as I cannot talk to her I am writing an apology letter to her for the day I am able to talk to her she will be able to know that I am truly sorry for whats happened. It's hard to say where the anger comes from all I know is it comes and goes. I have been able to control many times, a hell of alot better than what it used to be. I would leave take a walk or drive, or work out to get rid of the frustration, it was just something I had to do was to get away from the situation kinda like running away from it too which isn't the best way but better than having it get worse. When I have done this to get away, even though it's good for me and nobody else understands it, it also backfires on me when I was with her. She used it as an excuse as always running from the problem and not talking about it, or always running out on her. I never did it to hurt her it was something I had to do to get away from the situation at hand before it escaladed its hard to have someone else understand that. All I'm trying to do now is get back to work which isn't going well so far.
All I want to add to the previous posts is that you have a lot of maturity and a lot of understanding of how things get out of hand and how to make them right.
But what surprised me was that you sort of cannot face the real reasons behind you anger.
In my opinion, angry feelings have developed in your childhood and remain undetected and untreated. They now boil over and out of proportion unexpectedly. Is this right?
I believe that if you sit down quietly and try to remember your childhood you will find the real reasons you are angry. Then facing those issues head on, will defuse the anger you feel and will put you in control of your emotions. But you need professional help in order to relive and revive those negative feelings so that you can control and defuse them once they rise.
In the meantime as I cannot talk to her I am writing an apology letter to her for the day I am able to talk to her she will be able to know that I am truly sorry for whats happened.
Writing her a letter is a good idea. But if you ever want her back she will also need to see that you are serious about all of your words. Actions speak louder in this situation. Show her that you are going to counselling to get to the root of this and get some coping skills. Who knows what could happen? I know that if I were her and I truly loved you and I saw that you were sorry and working on the issue it would make me think of the possibility.
Like I said, I have been in this situation with my ex. He never admitted he had a problem, he actually had me convinced that I had the problem. You don't seem like this kind of guy or you wouldn't be on here. Even if you never win her back at least you will know that with some work you won't treat another woman this way. That is a great thing.