What could I do to get him back - Relationship Health Message Board

kkmom · 08-31-2007, 01:13 AM

Hi all, its me again, I am sure most of you know my story. I had broke up with my then fiancee in may, because he was not as supportive as I wanted him to be. But now the problem is that I just cannot get over him, I told him about 1 month ago to move on and find someone else. Well, he did not want to he wanted me back and begged, but I refused. Of course my family played a big part in the breakup because they dont like him.

Fast forward, well now he has a girlfriend, yall I cant lie I am jealous and sad. I did not realize how much I still cared for him and how big the void is loosing him. They went on their first date aug. 18, exactly a year to our first real date, I too went on a date that day and also met another young man that day, I will tell you about him in another post. I just found it ironic that we both would be out with someone new a year later. Well, that night the girl asked him to be her boyfriend and told him she loved him, mind you they only been talking for 2 weeks, he did mention he knew her from highschool and had a crush on her at that time she was not aware of. So he said yes, and then she gave up the goodies that same night. Now guys whats weird to me is that she is constantly asking him about me and she saw photos and all. I just wonder if she jumped the gun because of me.

Me and my ex still talk, I guess you can say we are friends. I am trying hard to move on and date, but I really dont want to. I thought I was done with all of that when I met him. The girl is already talking about them getting a place together. I asked him how he feels about her and he said he likes her, but does not love her just yet. I can tell by his conversations and texts that he has not gotten over me, but he does not come out and say it directly. Now I find myself in a stupid situation, because I miss him and still love him so much, we were to originally marry this nov. Its hard for me to swallow that he has moved on and its my fault. He understands me and all.

Well, what i wanted to ask you guys should I just continue to move on and forget him or wait and see. By the way we go to the same church, I joined his church last year, now I have to worry about running into him and his new girlfriend. Do you guys think he is just doing this as a rebound thing? Am I stupid to still want him? Everything reminds me of him and all the time we spent together. I am having such a hard time dealing with this and I still text him too and call everyonce in a while, but I dont want to be rude and step on the other womans toes. When I asked him the other day if he was still inlove with me he said yes, even though I put him through alot, well we both did. So there you go, he still cares about me but with her. I secretly pray their relationship goes sour and I know thats wrong. How come now that I am gone he got the job I was pushing for him to get and he is doing so much better. I was the one who helped him get the gastric bypass to lose weight and now he is 100lbs lighter. Guys I hate to sound so shady, but its like she is reaping the benifits of what I started.

I need some advice please, because I just dont know what else to do

happymom28 · 08-31-2007, 06:33 AM

Hi kkmom

,

I think the first question you have to ask yourself is what is your true motive for wanting your ex-fiance back? Would you feel this way if he didn't have a new girlfriend who professed her love for him in only 2 weeks?

If you would in fact feel this way regardless of whether or not he had a new girlfriend then I think you need to tell him how you feel. Sometimes we don't realize what we have until it is gone. But you have to realize too that he tried to get you back and you said no. He may very well see your professing your love as a way to keep him from moving on with his life. If you do decide to tell him you made a huge mistake by breaking it off then you are going to have to be prepared for him telling you that you are too little too late.

If you would not feel this way if your ex were still single then you just need to keep moving on. Sometimes we want what we can't have, and in this case it would be your ex. Trying to get him back only because you don't want to see him with someone else is unfair. He did what you told him to do and he deserves to be happy. His relationship could very well be a rebound thing, but if you truly do not want to be with him then that is none of your business. Be a friend to him and support him or cut contact with him and move on. You can't have it both ways.

So kkmom, put this new girl out of the picture. How do you feel about your ex-fiance? What has changed between you and him that makes you think it will work this time? Do you think he can be the support system you need? Do you feel that you are truly better off being with him? Think long and hard about these things before you make a move.

I know you are in a tough position hon. It is never easy to see an ex move on, especially with someone who seems a little "quick to fall in love", but it does happen. Please be sure that you really want him before you talk to him. Don't ruin his trying to move on and be happy if you are just going to break up with him again in 6 months. Make sure you are being fair to the both of you.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Keep us posted on what happens.

tarheel247 · 08-31-2007, 09:54 AM

happymom is correct. so after you give it some thought and you ARE in love with him and WANT to be with him..then go for it. tell him how you feel and then give him the space to decide. don't worry about the other girls feelings. she will find someone else..just like you will have to if he decides to stay with her...

kkmom · 08-31-2007, 10:35 AM

Thanks happymom and tarheel, that is a really good question you asked and I never thought about it that way. The thing with me was when we broke it off in may i was having alot of problems and stress in my life. I was sick and in alot of pain, the meds I was on changed my personality and I was always mean and grouchy to him. I remember telling my mom about some of the problems(by the way I will never do that again), she suggested to give us a week off to reevaluate the relationship, I told him and he did not want to at first, but then he did. He went to vegas that week so it gave me alot of time to thing about things. Problem was I was so sick I came to stay with my parents and I must off mouth off too much of the problems we had in our relationship. So they immediately did not like him, to be truthful they never really did and they never gave him a chance, they said he was trying to hard to fit in. So after 2 days of being home and with my mental state clearly not intake due to the meds, I decided to end it. I beleive the reason was I felt he was not as supportive of me while being sick(later spoke to him and he said it was hard because I was a different person not the person he fell in love with). I text him to tell him of my decession and he did not want me to tell him anything, we were suppose to meet up that monday and talk.

Well, monday came and I never answered the phone he called all day and even called my parents(dad said dont call here anymore) and I texted and told him I dont want to be with him without really talking to him face to face, I turned my cell off, and eventually changed my number. Now I think back on it it was terrible what I did to him really, that was not a proper way to break up with someone you are engaged to. His messages were so hard to hear, he was begging and pleading for me to stay, even crying, he tried to text before I changed the number and after I changed it it was silence for about 3 weeks.

Now fast forward, I could not imagine how he felt, I would not ever do what I did to him to another person , the poor man did not deserve what I did to him. I finally called him one day and he was so surprised to hear from me, but I kept it cool, it was like all the love I had for him was drained. I told him I wanted to meet up with him so I could tell him why i broke up with him and even that day he still wanted me back. I looked him in the eyes and told him to move on. During this time we kept in contact as friends. Also, I started weaning off the meds and started feeling better believe it or not and thats when I realized what I had done. I called him and told him how I felt and that I made a mistake, he told me he is not a light switch, he cant be turned on and off. This is before the new girl was in the picture, but she came into the picture maybe about a week or 2 later. Im not going to lie it was like i was shot in the heart and my life my love was gone 4 ever. I cried for him day and night, I guess I was getting a taste of my own medicine. He told me how nice she was and did not think he could gamble with me, because of what i did 2 him.

So, now here I am trying to move on and meet new people, but I am torn inside and its all my fault. Guys I love him and i wanted him way before she came into the picture. Now she is there its nothing I can do. We talk and I know he still loves me but he cant trust me in what i may do to him. He said you know how faithful I am with the girl I am with and he is. He does not want to meet up with me just yet because he feels he may be weak and make a mistake. He says I still love you and always will, I know he cares but guys I feel like I have lost him 4ever.

It is so hard for me to stomach all of this and also I moved back him during this and it has been a nightmare, he told me about how he would pass by my old house thinking I was there so he could talk to me. That never happened. Now here I am 32 at home, having all these memories of him. Everything reminds me of him, this is so hard. I know I have to back off, he is like spending the night at her house every night and the man who once dropped everything for me is not there, I was his life you know, maybe i did not know what to do with someone so clingy, never had a man like that. I usually chased them or cared more, but it was turned around with him.

Sorry for the long thread just had to get it off my chest, I cry as i write this because I hurt alot, but I know its over and I cannot be in control anymore

happymom28 · 08-31-2007, 10:48 AM

Have you thought about writing him a really heartfelt letter with all that you have said right there? Ask him if you can meet up for coffee or dinner or something in a public place and give him what you have written and ask him to read it. You never know what could happen.

He is on the defensive because you broke his heart. The fact that he doesn't want to meet with you yet because he is affraid he will be weak is a sign that he still has feelings for you. If he still has feelings then you still have hope. But you need to be very honest about everything and be willing to do whatever it takes (within reason of course) to make understand that this will never happen again.

You have nothing to lose kkmom. Think about it.