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-   -   I think I have to walk away. I'm petrified. (http://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/530513-i-think-i-have-walk-away-im-petrified.html)

~Tyger~ 09-01-2007 07:57 PM

I think I have to walk away. I'm petrified.
 
I don't know how I'm going to pull this off with any lasting significance. Made harder by the fact that I'm not even sure I'm making the right decision. All I know is that I hate feeling this way, and I don't know how else to change the situation. I learnt long ago that you can't force somebody to feel a certain way about you -- when they clearly don't.

I have not heard from HIM all weekend, and for the better part of last week, either. Last update was the fact that I suspected he was having his 30th without me. Now, I have been seeing this guy for 10 months now, and although its not a 'relationship' (he says he's not ready for one after his last breakup) I do believe I am owed some kind of explanation for him suddenly disappearing off the face of the earth this past fortnight. I have tried contacting a few times, not obsessively, but have not recieved replies.

Last night was the 'straw that broke the camels back', for me. I talked to him very briefly yesterday online, and he said he was going to a 'going away drinks' night for his friend, and that he'd call me after and if I wanted to I could come over and have a drink with him and our mutual friends (his roommates, and a few others). No call. The night went on, and I txt him, called him once... no replies. Its now getting towards late afternoon today, and I haven't heard so much as a peep as to what in the world happened.

Its easy to jump to conclusions, and my first is of course that he's seeing someone else, or picked up someone else last night. And then just 'conventiently' decided that the best thing to do was not contact me at all, and hope that 'out of sight, out of mind' would work. Ok, perhaps this wasn't it. But this lump in my throat and the constriction in my chest is just not healthy. I hate always feeling this way. To leave him is to end a fantastic friendship, and not just one, but a couple. I would also be leaving our mutual friends, as to see them would only serve to remind me of him, or continue seeing him. I've made such a meal of all of this, and I'm in so deep now. I'm in love with him, and I don't trust him -- and worst of all, he was never even officially mine.

I'm not sure how I'm going to walk away. If I should say something, or just leave. If there's even point in trying to talk to him, tell him how much he's hurt me. I wonder if he even knows? Cares? Would it make him feel any different? That he has become my world in the past year.. and leaving is about as hard as ripping off my own limbs.

My friends are all in relationships, and too wrapped up in their lives to support me all the time. I need to find support myself, and I don't know how. Because without it, I don't feel I'll be able to stick with my decision -- I'm just not strong enough at this point. I really want to talk to a psychiatrist or professional... but I don't have the money. I am still a student -- I have gone back to full-time study. Any ideas?? I really feel I can't do this on my own. I don't have a great relationship with my family -- its not bad... its just not the kind where I pour my heart out or anything. So I really feel, at this point, completely and utterly lost. All I have is you guys -- which is fantastic, but sometimes all I want is [i]someone else in the room[/i] to listen, and give me advice. I am making plans to go overseas and see Europe, but because of study I won't be able to go for another 2 years or something. That is a [i]long[/i] way away. Until then, I'm stuck here with my problems, my isolation, and my painful loneliness.

I'm not sure I'm able to do it. I don't know if I have the strength. Is this the right decision?

Phoenix 09-02-2007 04:37 AM

Re: I think I have to walk away. I'm petrified.
 
T,

You wrote:

[B]I'm in love with him, and I don't trust him.[/B]

Now I am not the "authoritarian" on love but I feel that one of the components of a loving relationship is trust.

If that isn't there, the relationship is doomed to wither away.

I feel your indecisive frustration; really.

Remember that you are not defined by another individual's companionship; it is the companionship(other individual) that defines your intentions.(my opinion)

It seems that you are putting too much energy into what you [I]hope[/I] will happen.

Have you ever thought about it; bear with me a moment:

The two of you are together and he doesn't feel the same way about you as you do him.

Don't you think that this alone would eventually weigh you down?

Why just settle, when you don't have to? (JMO)

Ryan

thaliak 09-02-2007 05:02 AM

Re: I think I have to walk away. I'm petrified.
 
Tyger Hi!
You rightly point out that you need to "find support and I don't know how".
If you look to others to support you, love you, cheer you up, make you feel loved, or special, you are looking at the wrong place. Others will ALWAYS let us down in a big or small way.. So, what do we do?
We look to OURSELVES. Every person has enough inner strength and abilities to keep him safe and well cared for, if only one would look to find them.
I will give you an example:
You say you are a full time student on a restricted budget. Don't you think this alone speaks volumes about your inner strength to survive on your own, to cope with your responsibilities and get on with your life all by yourself? Don't say "No", you are already doing it!;)
Another example:
You say: "this lump in my throat and the constriction in my chest is just not healthy". Isn't this an indication of maturity on your part and a strong sense of self preservation when you recognize that he is hurting you in an UNhealthy way? ;)
So, if you look deep inside you, you will find other qualities you possess in abundance which you have, perhaps, left unnoticed and not utilized until now.
If I am right, you will again find the inner strength to do what you already know is necessary with this irresponsible guy. You have youth, you have strength, you have brains. These are powerfull resources that will see you through this difficult period of your life. Look also for new friends, new hobbies, new activites and you will find lots of things to keep you occupied and think less of him. Time will eventually heal you and set you free.
Good luck and God bless you:angel:

Larrylou'smom 09-02-2007 10:07 AM

Re: I think I have to walk away. I'm petrified.
 
Tyger - I'm so sorry you're hurting so badly. I know how hard it can be, and it surely is even harder without the support of really good friends around. We all need support, someone to talk to, a shoulder to lean on once in a while. If you are a full time student, can you check with student services and see if they provide any kind of counseling at their health center. Do you have any kind of health coverage through your college?

But if it's any help, I do think you are most definitely making the right decision. You learned a big lesson here, you learned never ever to give your heart to a man who starts out by saying "I'm not ready for a relationship" because as we get older, we learn that all that really means is "I don't want a relationship [I]with you.[/I]" I don't think this guy is a bad guy, just a guy. He thought he was telling you all you needed to know when he said that, and inadvertently led you on a bit. But if you really just can't handle ending the romantic part of the relationship and staying friends, then you need to let yourself heal and cut off contact.

If it were me, I wouldn't even bother contacting him at all ever again. My guess is, you'll never hear from him again. No sense in putting yourself through the drama and emotional upheaval of confronting him or telling him how hurt you are. I'm sorry if it's hard to hear, but the truth is, he probably won't care at all. He'll probably just chalk you up to being some psycho bi*ch who went nuts and lost perspective. Men don't understand all the things we go through when they do this to us, and they don't really care. It will only cause you more pain to bare your soul to him and have him still walk away. Right now your dignity is more important than getting anything off your chest, because when it's all said and done, when you look back on this, you won't remember what you said in any rant to him, but you will remember whether you held your head up and moved on or not. Emotional disconnection, as much as you can muster as soon as you can muster it, is what you need right now. If he does call you or text you, you must stick to your guns. You dont' need to be mad, you don't need to get emotional. Remember, men don't understand or get that, and they don't care how hurt they've made you or how upset you are. Just tell him calmly and cooly that you don't feel it's working out. You need someone who is ready for a relationship and you need to move on. You still have feelings for him so you don't think it would be a good idea to remain friends until you have gotten over him. And hang tough. Don't go back to give him another chance to break your heart. Please trust me, as someone who gave in to those insticts to tell him everything, get everything off my chest, show him how hurt I was, blah blah blah. It DOESN'T help to get closure or anything else. It just gives you another humiliation to have to live down. Your self respect and dignity is paramount now, doing yourself proud is much more important than venting, showing him how he hurt you, or any of that stuff. In the long run, it just doesn't matter. He'll move on and find someone else and you'll feel raw and exposed and embarrassed. It's just not worth it. Just delete his numbers and spend as much time with friends and family as you can, not to talk about him, but to just enjoy their company and have fun and get on with the business of living your life and making his role in it smaller and smaller till it's gone.

happymom28 09-02-2007 10:09 AM

Re: I think I have to walk away. I'm petrified.
 
[QUOTE=~Tyger~]I have tried contacting a few times, not obsessively, but have not recieved replies.[/QUOTE]

This is the sign that you need to stop calling him hon. As hard as it is for you you are torturing yourself hoping this guy is going to pick up or call you back.

[QUOTE=~Tyger~]I talked to him very briefly yesterday online, and he said he was going to a 'going away drinks' night for his friend, and that he'd call me after and if I wanted to I could come over and have a drink with him and our mutual friends (his roommates, and a few others). No call. The night went on, and I txt him, called him once... no replies. Its now getting towards late afternoon today, and I haven't heard so much as a peep as to what in the world happened.[/QUOTE]

I risk sounding mean here, but he made those "plans" with you so he could stop talking to you have you waiting for his call instead of you calling him constantly and him having to avoid it. He isn't going to call or email you. I don't know any other reason than "he just isn't that into you". You are far more into him and he knows it and is using it to his advantage.

[QUOTE=~Tyger~]But this lump in my throat and the constriction in my chest is just not healthy. I hate always feeling this way. To leave him is to end a fantastic friendship[/QUOTE]

How are you ending a "fantastic friendship? He sounds like a jerk! He only calls you when it suits him. Now that is doesn't look how quickly you have been forgotten. You may think you have this great connection and all, but to him you were someone to pass the time with until something better came along. I'm sorry if what I am saying has hurt your feelings, but any true friend or a guy who is truly interested in you would [B]NOT[/B] treat you this way.

[QUOTE=~Tyger~]I'm not sure how I'm going to walk away. If I should say something, or just leave. If there's even point in trying to talk to him, tell him how much he's hurt me. I wonder if he even knows? Cares? Would it make him feel any different? That he has become my world in the past year.. and leaving is about as hard as ripping off my own limbs.[/QUOTE]

You need to walk away. You don't have to say anything to him, especially since he probably won't care anyway. Don't risk him twisting the knife he has already stuck into you. You are already hurt enough. Let it go, let him go, let your mutual friends go (if you have to) and move on with your life.

It seems that you are affraid of being alone that is why you are accepting this substandard treatment. Until you realize that you deserve a certain level of respect in a relationship you will continue to accpet this treatment over and over again.

You said that you are in school full-time and can't afford a professional therapist, so why don't you talk to the school's health facility and see if they have someone on staff that you can talk to or can give a referal for a discounted rate because you are a student. It may also do you some good to sign up for some sort of "extra-curricular" thing that you are interested in. This will give you a way to build your confidence and meet new people. Do you have any interests that you could get into?

You're not lost tyger, you are just going through a rough patch. I know you said you don't have a great relationship with your family, but perhaps there is something in there that you can start with. We are always here to listen, but I know that it's not the same. Taking what crumbs this guy gives you is only going to make your self esteem worse and worse. You deserve so much more. Don't forget that!

lizzi70 09-03-2007 01:46 PM

Re: I think I have to walk away. I'm petrified.
 
stop. . just stop calling him, texting him and any other forms of communication. Stop putting yourself in a position to be rejected. This best thing for you to do right now is to be self-protective.

If he had strong feelings about you he would call you and follow-up on plans. It sounds like he is pulling away - he might be seeing someone else, or intersted in someone else.

You can have the conversation with him if you want, but he is probably going to reiterate what he has said all along - he doesnt want a relationship, just a "friends with benefits" thing - but it sounds like he doesnt want that right now. It is very easy to fall in love with something that is "almost", and to have hope even it is false hope. Listen to your head, you know how men act if they have strong feelings about a woman - they dont let them slip away.

sorry to be so blunt, but i have been there. . done that - and what i have found is that men pretty much tell you about their limitations up front - they may call you, confide in you, sleep with you - but if they tell you that they dont want a relationship. . they dont.

~Tyger~ 09-04-2007 12:51 AM

Re: I think I have to walk away. I'm petrified.
 
Wanted to read and reply... but I have to rush off to work. From perusing very quickly, I saw some significant remarks. Especially about the fact that I need to rely on myself more, and not need others to constantly hold me up. I think this is very true. Will post more on this later.

Brief update is that he did in fact contact me after I posted. He called and apologised, saying he'd been feeling very unwell before he went out, told his roommate to leave the address so he could meet them later, and then ended up sleeping through. My friend confirmed all this. He didn't go anywhere that night. I was wrong. When he called he asked if he could come over to see me and I said that I was busy and not today, and he was fine with that, told me to take care and he'd talk to me during the week. Really, I just needed time alone to think. And thats where it all stands.

Its all very telling that I immediately jumped to all the wrong conclusions about Saturday night, and freaked out, isn't it? I'm not in a fantastic position, or mind-set, obviously. But really, he hasn't done anything wrong. I feel stupid, and wary.

brook65 09-04-2007 04:46 AM

Re: I think I have to walk away. I'm petrified.
 
Tyger

I know all to well about jumping to the worse possible conclusion, to then find out I was wrong. The problem really lyes with feeling insecure within the relationship you have.:(

It is interesting that he has now contacted you, the fact that he wants to talk to you is also quite interesting. Ofcourse it could go either way.

I would defenitely try to make some time for him to have the chat that he is asking for, take him up on that sooner rather than later. Otherwise your in limbo for longer than you really want.

I wish you the best Tyger


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