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Old 09-07-2007, 02:08 PM   #1
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Question Why do I feel guilty?

I became friends with a guy (I'll call him Jim) from a temp job I had several months ago. As we started hanging out, I found out more about him that had me wary about becoming too close to him. He moved back to town after getting laid off, and lived with his mom. No big deal as I'd recently moved back to town after living in the city to work and do a post-grad degree program (the city crime was getting to me, and I found I'm not a big city person). I struggled to find work in town, had to move in w/my parents. We all go through hard times. But, he lost his license because of some kind of emissions test failure and can't drive. He owes a lawyer a lot of $ because of this, but at the same time enrolled in an online business school which he flunked out of. He got a job in town shortly after our temping ended, but later said he wanted to quit to get foot surgery (he has club feet). He would be barely able to get around for 4 mons. afterward. He plans to pay for it with a disability check that was supposed to get, but he admitted he wasn't sure when or if he'd even get disability pay. All this, and he says he wants to go back to school to become a physics teacher. He asked my opinion and I said he was going in too many different directions; college is very expensive and time-consuming, and he doesn't even have a car. He'd also recently told me that he wanted to be more than friends. I'd told him that I just wasn't interested. I was starting to become a little wary with all of the stuff he had going on. He hadn't shown any strange behaviors, but one day when we were watching movies (shortly before he made the revelation that he was interested in me), as I was leaving, he mumbled (I thought we were going to have sex). I was like, "what!!??" He quickly said, "oh I said, I thought we were going to do something, like go out to a movie or something. What did you think I said?" I told him, and he vehemently denied it. I was sure of what he'd said, and started feeling even more concerned - I don't appreciate people lying to me. But, I forgot about it - I was in a vulnerable spot at that time, and he'd been a good friend to me.

However, after he told me of his interest in me, and I turned him down, he sent me this long letter telling me about all of these feelings he had for me. I started getting uncomfortable, and mad because I clearly told him before that I'm not interested. I told him (in an email) that he needed to respect my feelings, and he responded that he would be content being just friends but he would always hold out hope that I could grow to love him. He then said he intended on going back to school and asked me for advice. At this point, I just wanted to put some distance between us. Honestly, the fact that he liked me romantically and probably wouldn't drop those feelings sort of ooked me out. I just don't think of him in that way - I've never been able to be just friends w/guys who were attracted to me because they just can't let go of those feelings and it gets uncomfy. Add to that this guy's strange ways. I know I could've done it more gently, but I told him that we need some distance and probably shouldn't email anymore. He replied something like I hope you'll still talk to me but if not I will never forget the last few months. I saw him at his job a couple months later (he works at a grocery). He said hi, and I replied hello and kept moving. I thought he was out of my life for good, but fast forward a few months. I recently got a job working at the local university's library. I work at the desk. Guess who is a student there now? Jim. He came up to the woman who is training me and I, and hands a book to her, says I want to return this, walks away without even looking at me. I seriously didn't even see him until he spoke since I was in the middle of training. That really threw me and I got totally distracted in my training. I kept thinking great, that's what I get. But, I didn't even do anything. Wouldn't the average woman in my place do the same thing - cut this guy off? I feel awkward as it is - I've had a hard time adjusting to being back in a small town with no jobs. I got so down and depressed, I probably couldn't handle a job for awhile. Now, I get a part-time job, and only because my dad teaches at the university and knows the head librarian. It's not even a "real" job - these jobs are mostly held by students. I feel like such a failure, having to face professors I've had (I got my bachelor's from this school). If crime hadn't gotten so bad in my neighborhood (my apt. and a few others were broken into), I would've stayed in the city and probably gotten on at one of the firms there. I've even interviewed at a few, but they want someone in the city, not a commuter - I'm just not interested in going back there again. I start feeling like I've done something to deserve all the bad luck, because now that I've finally at least got a job, I have things from the past coming up. I run into two past professors and now Jim in the first 2 days of work. I don't know why, but I've felt guilty for how I handled the Jim situation all along. I know he probably won't bother me now because he's angry, but it's the guilt. Would you feel guilty, and should I feel guilty? I generally treat people very well, and think I'm overall a good person. How do I just let this go and get on with my life?

 
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Old 09-07-2007, 02:20 PM   #2
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Re: Why do I feel guilty?

stop feeling guilty. you were honest with Jim right from the start. He was hoping for more, sometimes that happens with people.....I'm sure there was someone you liked at one point who didn't reciprocate the feelings. Thats just life, right? Maybe he was misinterpreting your friendship as something else. I think he was trying to cross a boundry that you were very clear about. You did nothing wrong. He does sound like he has a lot of problems, some people might label someone like him a "loser". I don't know if that's necesissarily true or not. I'm happy to know that he is furthering his education. Although I wonder if the emissions test problem was really a DUI.....what do you think? I think you should be cordial if you see him, say hi and leave it at that. If he can't even be civil to you it's his loss.

 
Old 09-07-2007, 02:28 PM   #3
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Re: Why do I feel guilty?

Hey, sunshine0806 It sounds to me like you've got nothing to feel guilty about. I can't believe that guy said to you that he thought the two of you were going to have sex, as though that was the only reason he was spending time with you. That's not cool. And obviously not attractive to you. He just sounds like a bit of a loser to be honest. After this behaviour I think it would have been best to cut him off. I've got a friend who knew a guy who sounds like this friend of yours. She ended up having to put a restraining order on him because he became obsessed with her. Don't publicly embarrass him but don't bother with him either because he sounds like bad news. Ignoring you in the library was a childish attempt to get your attention because you didn't sleep with him. You did nothing wrong.

EDIT: Haha, rosequartz, I labelled this guy as a loser. Maybe it was a bit harsh, but I meant it purely on the basis of his approach to his relationship with the OP.
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Last edited by ErimusValidus; 09-07-2007 at 02:31 PM. Reason: To explain my reasons for calling somebody a loser.

 
Old 09-07-2007, 02:36 PM   #4
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Re: Why do I feel guilty?

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You told him your honest feelings and he couldn't accept it. That is his problem, not yours. Also, I've never heard of losing your license over an "emissions test" and I can't understand why he would need to get a lawyer involved because of it. Sounds like another lie to me.

You have hit a rough patch, we all do. Don't dwell on something that is out of your control (ie. Jim's feelings). Focus on making the most of the job you have while searching for one more suited to your degree. Things will get better.

 
Old 09-07-2007, 02:41 PM   #5
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Re: Why do I feel guilty?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ErimusValidus View Post
[FONT="Comic Sans MS
EDIT: Haha, rosequartz, I labelled this guy as a loser. Maybe it was a bit harsh, but I meant it purely on the basis of his approach to his relationship with the OP.[/COLOR][/FONT]
erimus, honestly I would probably label him as a loser too, I was just in a strange mood where I was trying to be nice today.....LOL

 
Old 09-07-2007, 03:30 PM   #6
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Re: Why do I feel guilty?

Also, I've never heard of losing your license over an "emissions test" and I can't understand why he would need to get a lawyer involved because of it.

Yeah, I didn't get that, either. He said North Carolina has these strict emissions laws, and when you move there, you have to take an emissions test. Since his car was older, he knew it would fail, so he didn't take the test. He got pulled over and lost his license. I don't know why he'd have to have a lawyer, either. It all sounded a little fishy to me, but then again, I know nothing about that stuff. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, esp. when they appear to be good people. Jim was a really reliable worker at the temp job, very smart, so I didn't have any reason to doubt him. But then all the other stuff came up and my perception of him changed. Oh well, water under the bridge.

Last edited by sunshine0806; 09-07-2007 at 03:31 PM.

 
Old 09-07-2007, 03:53 PM   #7
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Re: Why do I feel guilty?

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Originally Posted by sunshine0806 View Post
He said North Carolina has these strict emissions laws, and when you move there, you have to take an emissions test.

There's a state in America that has strict emissions laws?! Pull the other one In all seriousness though, I can't see why a lawyer would get involved in this. Oh well.
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Old 09-07-2007, 07:19 PM   #8
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Re: Why do I feel guilty?

Yep, this guy sounds like a total loser. That was the first thought that came to my head when I was reading your thread and girl you did the right thing. I would have dropped him quick. He has too many issues and you definitely don't need to add his problems to yours. So don't feel guilty. He still has a lot of maturing to do and probably wouldn't have been a good boyfriend anyway. He doesn't seem to be good at anything else.
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Old 09-08-2007, 01:37 AM   #9
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Re: Why do I feel guilty?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sunshine0806 View Post
[He said North Carolina has these strict emissions laws, and when you move there, you have to take an emissions test. Since his car was older, he knew it would fail, so he didn't take the test. He got pulled over and lost his license. I
Well, that's not an emissions problem, that's getting caught driving without the proper legal documentation, it'd be the same as driving without registration or proof of insurance. My guess is he had points on his license already to lose it over that. But you're asking for trouble driving with all the proper legal documentation. My state has very strict emissions requirements as well. If your car doesn't pass, then you get a tune up, get whatever needs to be fixed in order to pass the emissions test. If your car is too far gone to pass, then you sell it for parts or to someone who has the time and money to pour into it and you take the bus and/or car pool, get rides, take a cab, etc. until you can afford a decent used car that will pass. You don't just drive illegally.

I think the first thing you have to do is forgive yourself. You sound like a very gentle, giving, caring, generous person, so why not send a little of that to yourself? You were nothing but up front with this guy, it doesn't sound like you led him on at all. The fact that he mumbled that he thought you were going to have sex under his breath and then denied is very creepy. Understandably, he's embarrassed. If I had behaved like that, I'd be embarrassed too. But you've done all you can on your end. This issue is for him to work out for himself. You did not play this guy, you didn't lie to him, you didn't lead him on, you didn't ridicule him or deliberately make a fool of him. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Work on forgiving yourself for this incident.

As far as taking what you feel is a step back, so many of us have taken steps backward on our way to where we're going, life isn't always going to move in a smooth straight line, it doesn't for most of us. I could tell you some choice stories about the backward steps I've taken in my journey!!! The only shame is in not learning from our mistakes and not taking responsibility for our actions. But there's no shame in taking pride in an honest day of the work the good Lord has given you to do at this point in time.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 09-08-2007 at 01:41 AM.

 
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