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Old 09-11-2007, 10:34 AM   #1
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Long long story, but a curious question.

I'm having difficulty figuring something out, and I was hoping with some insight maybe this thing can be smoothed over.

What happened was basically this. Had a buddy since 6th grade. He calls me one day and tries to introduce me to this girl. So the 4 of us meet up... me, this girl, my buddy, and his gf. His gf and this girl are best friends, so that's how he met up with her to introduce her to me.

So to speed things up, we date. Things are great. The relationship turned physical, but only one time. Things still seemed great. Then, it happened. Her job closed down. From then on, everything was pure hell. A series of things kicked her in the chest with losing her job. She tried everything... monster.com, yahoo job searches, newspapers, everything. She tried so hard, couldn't find a job. Her parents threatened to kick her out of the house because of her not having a job. She had credit card companies calling her all day long. It was very stressful. She kind of had a breakdown and kept to herself, pushing everyone away, including me. Myself, her friends, and even her cousin were all talking like, "what's going on with her?"

Then, the bombshell. My buddy who introduced me to her? He was dating her. They dated 5 days, and began dating about a week after we split. She split it off because she realized it was a mistake. I also found out she was being a little mouthy about me too, saying this and that. For example, probably the most harsh thing she said was that she considered me to "sort of" be a one night stand. Well, she started IMing me on the computer. I ignored her every time. About two months later (last week) she IMs me and I feel compelled to answer. So I lay into her, basically telling her exactly what I thought of her and her actions.

What'd she do? It surprised me. She sat there, admitted she was wrong, admitted her mistakes, and said "I deserve everything you're saying to me." I was shocked, yet in a good way. Then we slowed down and had a heart to heart conversation.

I explained to her what bothered me. I told her it kind of bugged me that she seemed to have a slight feeling of "grass is greener." Like, if she saw some other guy, she'd wonder what it'd be like to be with him. Which is natural, right? But I think she felt a tad bit more heavily about it than the typical person does. She acknowledged that and said it was stupid of her because once we split she realized she made a huge mistake.

Okay, fine. So what about dating my buddy? Well, she explained something to me. The split up between her and I was strictly between her and I. She said she felt depressed, and like she emotionally crashed. I had everything, it seemed. A good job, I'm in college, about to graduate, looking for an internship, new car, great friends, supportive family. Her? Her job closed down, she wasn't in school, old car that barely runs, friends turned their back on her, her family is about to kick her out of the house. So, then her mind started tickin. She realized that our relationship had turned physical. Hmm... So WHY would I be interested in her? She had been under the impression that I was after her for sex, considering we were going through very different things at the time and the things in her life were NOT going well at all. That's why she split up with me. I talked to several close female friends about it, and they said it's understandable. Maybe not the smartest move, because she didn't really try to talk to me about it beforehand, but it was understandable as to why she felt that way (in their opinion).

She said right away when she became single, my buddy dumped his gf (my ex's friend). Suddenly he was putting 120% into getting with her. My ex says she declined, multiple times. However he just kept pursuing and kept saying, why not? Why not? It's not like things can get any worse, maybe we can make things good together? Eventually, she caught the bait, went out with him twice, and five days later they split. She cut all ties, all contacts, blocked him on the computer and blocked his cell number.

She has acknowledged her mistakes and apologized for her actions. She's apologized to me multiple times saying she feels awful that she made me lose a friend. My thoughts? He wasn't that good of a friend to me if he had the audacity to run after my ex girlfriend days after we split, THEN proceed to laugh at me and taunt me about how he's got her now. (But that's a whole other story that isn't relevant). So she does seem to be apologetic, and she does seem to be relatively sincere about what she's saying to me.

We've had multiple talks. Every day for about 1-2 hours since last week. Things seem to be going more solid. She's got a new job. She works for an insurance company. She has her own office, great hours, great pay. She absolutely loves it and she's convinced that she got the wake up call she deserved when she "crashed and burned." Now, she dug herself out and she's doing good. In fact, I even told her I was proud of her, because I knew she'd make it, she just needed to find her nitch. She said that means a lot. She said only 4 people have told me they were proud of me. My mom, my aunt, my boss, and you...

She said to me a day or two later... "This may be a ridiculous question, and I'm sorry if it's out of the question, but maybe we can hang out sometime and go get some ice cream?" I said of course we could.

So, that's where things are at. I no longer talk to that guy, nor does she. She acknowledged her mistakes and seemed sorry for them. She seems to have turned over to be "herself" again. But, who knows? My thoughts are, if this happened once, what'll prevent it from happening again?

Should I go for it? Should I be overly hesitant and cautious? Should I ignore her at all costs and move on? I feel as though people can make mistakes, and a lot of people deserve a second chance. It was extremely commendable in my book when she could stand up, admit she was wrong, and say "I deserve it."

Blah... Thoughts?

 
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Old 09-11-2007, 10:56 AM   #2
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Re: Long long story, but a curious question.

lovinthev8,

First I have a question, when she started dating your friend were you guys still together or had you already broken up? I'm just curious as to whether you were cheated on or not because depending on that it might make a big difference in her mind as to how wrong she really was. Like if she did cheat on you then I could understand her being apologizies about cheating and stuff but if you guys were already broken up when she started going out with your friend then she might just look at it as well me and you were broken up already so I technically didn't do anything wrong.

As far as giving her a second chance is concerned,I'm not sure that anybody else can make that decision except for you. Its kind of like there's every reason to believe she could do it all over again and at the same time there's every reason to believe that shes truly sorry and that it never would happen again. That all depends on the person really, some people will fall off the wagon again others won't. Probably the only way to know is to just give her a chance and see what happens and hope for the best basically.

Obviously you do still have some feelings towards her because if you didn't then you wouldn't be considering giving her a second chance. Its a tough situation indeed but what I would say is that if you think shes worth it, I would say give her a second chance but at the same time, go slow and proceed with caution, don't let yourself get hurt again!

Matt

 
Old 09-11-2007, 11:00 AM   #3
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Re: Long long story, but a curious question.

People make mistakes all the time! It's all a part of growing up, which is what you both are going through right now. You can only learn by your mistakes. I think that you can give your relationship another try. One thing I would suggest that you should do, is to talk to her now while everything is out in the open about when things get down and out in either one of your lives, that you will always be there for each other to hold each other up. There will always be ups and downs in life, but having someone to share it with makes things a whole lot easier to deal with.

Best wishes to you and keep us posted!

 
Old 09-11-2007, 11:11 AM   #4
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Re: Long long story, but a curious question.

Matt, a lot of what you said made sense.

And to clarify, her and I had already been split up. We split and about 3-4 days later she was with my buddy. The biggest thing was the fact that she hated him when her and I were together. She thought her friend, who was dating him, could do SO much better, and she was kind of right, because he wasn't that greatful of the things she did for him. So when they got together I thought it was a joke, but it wasn't. So no cheating was done at all. I guess TECHNICALLY she didn't do anything wrong, besides say a few things she regrets.

On one hand, I'm happy I got to see what kind of friend he was so I could cut off all ties. On the other, it sucked that it was such a harsh and unexpected lesson learned.

I don't know. Like I said, one side of me is convinced that she found herself again, the other is like "dude, don't let what happened with your other ex happen again this time" which is a whole other drama fest...

She explained something to me that made me really think deeper about her. She told me that her boss brought her into her office one day and explained to her that she was proud of what she had accomplished already. She said most people would think I was crazy for hiring a 20 year old without a degree, however I saw something in you, and now I'd like to send you to a few classes to get more experience and move up in the company. She was happy. So her and her boss sat down and grabbed this book, called 12 steps to success. One stuck out to her.

This particular step was as follows. You have to crash and burn before you can pick up and move forward. This reminded me of DOG: Bounty Hunter. I remember seeing him do a stand-up inspirational talk to a bunch of recovering addicts, because DOG himself used to be one. He explained that you never know what being on top of the world is until you've been in the deepest pit. He said when you're in a pit, you can look up and make a goal. You can point to the top of the mountain and be like, THATS WHERE I WANT TO BE!! Then, when you finally get to that point, you can stand up and be appreciative over what you've accomplished. This was EXACTLY what that step was in that book she was reading with her boss, and since she could remember it so vividly (literally word for word) I assumed she really took it to heart.

Also, I forget if I said this earlier, but along with the fact that she's doing great, getting paid decently and is happy with her job, her family is proud of her and her getting kicked out is no longer a threat. She believes her family realized she was stubborn and wouldn't listen, so they made life hard on her to intentionally drive her into crashing and burning. That way she could reach her reality check much sooner and pick herself up.

 
Old 09-11-2007, 11:12 AM   #5
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Re: Long long story, but a curious question.

Quote:
Originally Posted by walkabout View Post
People make mistakes all the time! It's all a part of growing up, which is what you both are going through right now. You can only learn by your mistakes. I think that you can give your relationship another try. One thing I would suggest that you should do, is to talk to her now while everything is out in the open about when things get down and out in either one of your lives, that you will always be there for each other to hold each other up. There will always be ups and downs in life, but having someone to share it with makes things a whole lot easier to deal with.

Best wishes to you and keep us posted!
I just wanted to iterate something now that you've said that. My ex said everyday she woke up and she thought about the mistakes she made where she hooked up with my buddy and made bad judgment calls, she said she thought of me. At first I was thinking, yeah, B.S... She said no, really. She said you always told me "You live, you learn" and whenever I thought about that situation I thought about that quote you always told me. She said it just made me feel better to look at it as a learning experience and to move on and put it in a closed chapter behind me.

Thank you everyone for your responses! Anymore opinions would be great.

 
Old 09-11-2007, 11:16 AM   #6
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Re: Long long story, but a curious question.

Soooooooooooo having said all that you have, what do you intend to do about it?

 
Old 09-11-2007, 11:22 AM   #7
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Re: Long long story, but a curious question.

I think we all know right from wrong before we do it. I think you should treat this as a learning experience for you........and move on.

Good luck.

 
Old 09-11-2007, 11:42 AM   #8
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Re: Long long story, but a curious question.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dma11663 View Post
I think we all know right from wrong before we do it. I think you should treat this as a learning experience for you........and move on.

Good luck.
I thought so too. But I can't shake something. My ex I dated for 5 years. She went to college after we had been dating for 3 years. A few months after her first year, she got drunk and cheated on me. A while later, she told me. What did I do? Kept pushing forward. She treated me like garbage. We rarely saw each other. For another year and a half we dated like that... finally, she broke it off, RIGHT as I was about to break it off. At the time, I thought I was being boyfriend of the year by keeping it together. Now? Now I think that I was a complete moron. I didn't know I was making a mistake. I could of gotten out of that situation earlier and saved myself a lot of trouble, but instead I kept moving forward hoping things would get better. Granted, the situation my recent ex was involved in (that this thread is about) is relatively different, but nonetheless, I've made decisions before and not realized until later that they were a huge mistake on my part. So, maybe it's not so true to say we're all pre-programmed with knowing right-from-wrong...

Oh, for the record, there was something else she told me. She said when she split up with me, about her feeling like she was nothing and I had everything and she was like "WHY is he interested in me?" Then she broke it off... Well... my buddy whom she ran after? He lives at home in a crappy household with a family that argues 247, has a daughter to his ex, and is constantly being controlled by his ex girlfriend. At the time, he didn't even have a job. She said "I guess I just felt like he was more on par with who I was and what I had to offer." Then she realized she'd rather be single than be with him cause he was very shady and untrustworthy to the max, which she thought was true about him before, however I think she was clouded with a bunch of whatever-you-call-it that often goes on in people's heads... so she woke up and promptly ended it and cut all ties. I guess she realized afterwards I wasn't just "another guy" who wanted a girl. I really did, and still do, have a genuine interest in her... And I've told her that.

Last edited by lovinthev8; 09-11-2007 at 12:14 PM.

 
Old 09-11-2007, 11:45 AM   #9
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Re: Long long story, but a curious question.

lovinthev8,

Ok, so if you guys were broken up when she started dating your friend then that is a little better then the alternative, although it is a little curious as to why she would want to even be with him in the first place if she felt so negative towards him. Maybe she was just at a point that she didn't care and she felt like being with him was better then being with nooone. One thing I have found in my experiences with girls, especially young girls, is that they seem to believe that dating Mr. Wrong is better then dating Mr. Nobody. Personally I believe that nooone should be with someone just for the sake of being able to say "I'm not alone, I have someone" but I guess again that all depends on the person.

It does sound as if she might have realized her mistakes and might be ready to move on down a better road. Hopefully thats the case. Like I said, if you do decide to give her another chance just be careful, dont jump into anything too fast. Give her a chance to prove to you that she practices what she preaches. I have a feeling that if she hasn't changed and she is still up to her old tricks then it probably won't be too long before you will see that.

I do think there is a chance that she might be a changed person so you might want to go ahead and try again but do be careful.

 
Old 09-11-2007, 11:52 AM   #10
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Re: Long long story, but a curious question.

I don't think it's so much that she's a "changed person." I think a better description (assuming that my assumption about her is true) would be that she's "back to her ole' self."

She was great when we first started dating. Then a while afterwards I got the vibe with her that she was feeling "maybe the grass is greener?" Nothing serious, but a relatively moderate vibe. Then we hit rough patch and the job ended, then us. And now, if what she says is true, she knows what she wants now... and she's talking to me...

Who knows. I'm not sure anymore... I'll definitely make sure she knows what the hell she wants before I pursue anything. That's for sure.

Last edited by lovinthev8; 09-11-2007 at 11:53 AM.

 
Old 09-11-2007, 03:26 PM   #11
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Re: Long long story, but a curious question.

Well, she hit a rough patch in her personal life and acted in a very self destructive manner in return. People do make mistakes. Only you can decide if you should give her a second chance.

If I were you, I would give her the benefit of the doubt and see where things go. I would just make certain that she understands that if she "blows it" again there won't be another one.

Best of luck!

 
Old 09-11-2007, 08:56 PM   #12
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Re: Long long story, but a curious question.

Alright folks, gonna throw a curve ball at ya.

So her and I were talking again and she told me something. She said to me that a few weeks after we split she went out to dinner with her ex. I was kind of bothered by it. I was like, so in the time we dated, you were just thinking about him? She said no, no, not like that. She said when I was with him, everything was like clockwork. They were planning their life together, her bills were paid, she had a good job, money wasn't an issue, the relationship with her parents was great.

(now read carefully and see if you can understand this)

When her and I split up, that's when her life was in the crapper. She had nothing, and was about to be kicked out of the house. She said her ex contacted her cause he heard through the grape vine that she was single. He wanted to take her out. According to her, she declined and made up some excuses, but she finally agreed to go to dinner with him when he wouldn't back down. She said the reason she considered it was because when her life crashed and burned after her and I split up, she just wanted to go to sleep and wake up to where everything was fine and dandy and running like clockwork. During that particular time was when she was dating her ex... So with him asking her out to dinner, she figured she'd roll with it. She said she was convinced things wouldn't go well, and that this would simply be the last straw to close the chapter for good.

She said that's exactly what it was. They went to dinner. Very little was said. They ate. They went home. That was it.

She said she is positively convinced that there's not a snowball's chance in hell she could ever date him again. K, fine. Another thing she said to me was, he was posting a lot of stuff on her my space. She said she doesn't get it. She said he sits there all day and posts this stuff to win me back and all it does is make me mad. I said well, I guess I'm guilty too, cause I left her something last week. She said well, it's different with you. She said when you say it, I know you mean it. When he says it, I know he's just dying for a desperate plea for a second chance.

So in a nutshell, when we split and her life was in the crapper, she looked at a high point in her life when things were good. Despite her doubts, she followed through with the dinner, and it obviously didn't work out. And here she is, still being open, honest, and sincere with me. Her and I definitely have a solid communication foundation down, along with honesty. She didn't have to tell me she went to dinner with him, but she did.

So anyway, what do I keep doing? Do I give her this opportunity to learn from her mistakes, pick up the pieces, and continue forward together? Or do I stay distant and let her go?

Last edited by lovinthev8; 09-11-2007 at 09:03 PM.

 
Old 09-12-2007, 01:47 AM   #13
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Re: Long long story, but a curious question.

What you do need to understand, is that you are a very special person. You deserve the very best because you are an extremely intelligent, thoughtful, senstive and loving person.

Because of that, you are bound to fall into 'traps' where your motivation is 'purer' than some of the people you meet. Your intentions are always good, and I'm not naying anything you feel, but please keep your options open. I have a feeling you are destined for far greater things.

Last edited by georgie04; 09-12-2007 at 02:00 AM.

 
Old 09-12-2007, 04:30 AM   #14
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Re: Long long story, but a curious question.

How strong are you? I see some red flags! That is great she was honest with you, but I feel that if you are EASILY excepting her actions, that it MAY be easily done again by her. As of now, if you choose to try to work things out with her, be prepared with an watchful eye. I know you want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but she really needs to earn your trust. Take a look at what she said about her Ex writing things to her online. Begging for another chance. Honestly, girls don't like that. In most cases, girls like it when a man stands strong and can take control of their lives. You need to be strong, which it sounds like you are from what I read.

It all comes down to, how much drama do you want in your life? How are you feeling about her right this moment? Is it a strong enough feeling to weather a storm? Or, are you at the take it or leave it point? If this is the case, then you can move on with your life and just don't look back so that another door can open for you. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Trust your instincs, that is what God gave them to you for.

 
Old 09-12-2007, 08:16 AM   #15
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Re: Long long story, but a curious question.

To the last two responses:

I completely, completely understand what you folks are saying to me. And I know I'm going to sound like I'm defending her, but I'm not really trying to do that. The bottom line is, I'm giving her credit where she deserves it.

Yes, her ex put a lot of writings on her profile page. She found it annoying. Me? I ignored her friend request multiple times. I ignored all of her instant messages (2-3 a week for two months straight). It's not like I'm the one chasing her around... she's the one chasing me. She had the opportunity to date TWO of her previous exes. One of them I didn't speak much about cause he's not a very relevant part of the situation, but nonetheless, if she wanted to try things out with him she could easily get in contact with him. In fact, I even said, so what stopped you from going after him? She said he simply wants to date me again. I don't "feel" anything there. He kisses my rear end with brown nosing words thinking it's what I want to hear. Like I said above, I told her I was guilty then, cause I posted a comment saying she was gorgeous. She said you're different. She said you can say things and mean it without being on your knees begging like a pathetic mutt for a dog treat. I guess all in all, she realizes I'm not being fake about it.

The other thing is, when she was talking to me about her ex, I was like... why are you talking to me and not him? She said because he hurt me so much. She said he just ran around with my emotions and put me down when I needed him to be supportive. She said with you, you were nothing but supportive ever since we met. You didn't hurt me. I hurt you. I hurt us. I hurt myself the day we split without realizing it at the time. She said even after all of this, you even speaking to me is a huge blessing to me.

So although it may sound like I am easily accepting her actions (which I understand), the reality is, I'm not... when I come here and I talk to you folks about it, yeah it definitely sounds like I'm on the fence. When I talk to her about it, I'm considerably more stern with my "acceptingness" of the matter. I do that for a reason... so I can REALLY get an in depth answer out of her, sit back, think about it, analyze it, and come here for unbiased opinions.

And about the drama? Heh... I really have to admit something. I dated my other ex for 5 years. Talk about drama... This girl I dated for 5 months. I'm not saying this simply because she's talking to me again or whatever else... but 100% truth, straight up, all of my friends, my family, and even myself, noticed a change in me when her and I were dating. She was without a doubt more compatible with me than my 5 year ex was. The drama was very minimal, the laughs occured a lot, etc. And granted, she had a fall out. She hit rock bottom. She shut everybody out, yeah... she made an error in judgment. But with some of the things she's said, I think she's really trying to be as honest as possible with me to "win me back" cause she knows how important honesty is to me.

I talked to a few buddies of mine, both male and female. The majority of the female opinions say they believe she just made a sincere mistake and that we should be able to try things again since we're definitely on the right foot together. The majority of the males pretty much agree. There's several of them that had fallouts with their girlfriends as well, so since they're still together and doing well, they're suggesting to me that second chances may be all somebody needs to really prove themselves.

I don't know. I'm going slow as ever, though. Taking my time, taking things slow. But like I said before, honesty and open communication go soooooo far with me, so it's hard to be stern and just flat out reject that person when they can be mature and stand up to me and be honest. Granted, I'm still doing my best to be stern, but I'm not just flat out rejecting her at this point either.

 
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